sophientropy

[sophientropy]

Nada de lo que hago con mis manos es suficiente porque no hay palabras para describir este querer no hay imágenes comprensibles que puedan representarlo no hay sonidos ni manifestaciones físicas que puedan acercarse una milésima parte a lo que experimento cuando me siento así.

Quisiera poder decir que lo que me hace tan poco interesante para los demás es una cualidad admirable pero temo que realmente sea mi expresión facial todo el tiempo y el hecho de que cuando hablo con hombres no parezco inmediatamente interesada en que me elijan por sobre otra mujer para tener sexo lo cual me haría convencionalmente atractiva y confirmaría como falsas mis creencias de que soy un dolor al ojo y al mismo tiempo una molestia insignificante que no merece la oportunidad de nada.

Por muy patético que me parezca, este es el tipo de cosa que más me preocupa y me preocupa y me preocupa y siento como que me pusieron en este mundo por equivocación porque ningún lugar es mi lugar y no hay lugar en el que la gente me vea más allá de mi rostro o mi forma de hablar pero no puedo evitarlo. Las murallas que he levantado para protegerme son gruesas, no dejan pasar el calor de mis seres queridos.

Me congelo.

[sophientropy]

Estos últimos días me consume un anhelo inexplicable, la falta de contacto social, físico, humano me arrastra a la locura, puedo sentirlo cada vez que veo personas en mi teléfono y cada que me toco sola en mi cuarto no es suficiente porque nada puede reemplazar la piel de un extraño contra la tuya, nada reemplaza los ojos que te miran con afecto nada reemplaza los sonidos que hacen, nada reemplaza el calor.

Y yo sigo acostada en mi cuarto anhelando talvez la piel efímera y superficial o el amor profundo de alguien que me conoce o simplemente un abrazo de mi madre o talvez incluso el golpe doloroso de un extraño pero mirando el techo me percato una vez más de que la gente es predecible, asquerosa, fuente de horrores y que cada momento que paso con alguien más es un infierno porque de repente me pongo una máscara y un filtro de voz delicado pero necesito saber que soy amada cuando no hago favores y cuando no estoy siendo educada y cuando no me están viendo también.

Y ese ente vacío que está en el cielo me observa y se supone que me ama pero no puedo sentirlo y ya mi propia compañía no es suficiente porque mis manos se tornan frías y se me cansa el alma de esperar y la cabeza me duele de llorar porque no hay distracción alguna que pueda quitarme el dolor y empiezo a pensar que tampoco hay persona que sacie esta sed.

[sophientropy]

i curse the day on which i taught my father that i could work for him without payment and was available to do so at all hours (???

[sophientropy]

need to be slapped then kissed lovingly

[sophientropy]

i dont remember the last comprehensible scenes of neon genesis evangelion but if i were to be transformed into a substance in which id be part of everybody and everybody would be a part of me id probably be like: oh fuck yeahhhhh

[sophientropy]

i cant believe i told that to my therapist and she told me exactly what i knew i needed to hear 😭

[sophientropy]

want them to grab me by the neck like it's no big deal and tell me to behave cuz i cant be doing such things in class

want them to whisper dirty, embarassing things to me while they pump their dick into my cunt and watch as they melt over when they cum inside me and i get red as a cherry

want them to lick me all over, cover me with their sweat, to be contained when in public but eventually drag me somewhere else to make out and grope me as they please

want them to be proud of me, want to be so pleasing to them, want to appreciate them, want to stare into their eyes for hours, want to be gently slapped then look at them like they're God

want them to look at me with the certainty that im their wife, want to look at them with the certainty that they're mine.

just want them

need them

right now

[sophientropy]

tonight's regret: why did i never give myself the chance to do it now i dont know how and everyone else does...

[sophientropy]

i need them so bad what is wrong with me

i need them to stare at me with their stupid fuck ass glasses and their stupid hair and their stupid smile

i need them to talk to me with their stupid mouth and their stupid voice

[sophientropy]

it has always hurt to know that i just dont have it in me

that which i want is not for me to have because i have talent, just not that much

[sophientropy]

i am in AWE everytime i rewatch Kung Fu Panda. its such an epic and inspiring story about self dicovery, acceptance and the power that comes with it.

i finally understood the scene of Po's final training session which is GENIUS

the score, the characters and just the overall construction of this movie makes me want to be a child again and watch it in a movie theater (which i never could i was 4 at the time)

every now and then it comes back to me what it really means to believe in yourself and how far that can take you and this movie is kind of the best representation of the whole process

[sophientropy]

Hello 👋, I hope you're doing well..

My name is Mahmoud, and I'm a 17-year-old from Gaza. The ongoing war has devastated my city, destroyed my school, and made daily life incredibly challenging.

Despite these hardships, I'm determined to continue my education and build a better future. I've been given a chance to study abroad, but I need help to cover the costs of leaving Gaza, as well as living expenses and other essentials abroad once the crossing opens.. 🙏

If you can, please consider donating or sharing, your kindness can truly make a difference, and thanks for your time. ❤🍉

https://gofund.me/bd3ccf0b 🔗

of course! unfortunately i cant donate but ill be more than happy to share

[sophientropy]

dancing is lowkey the only thing that makes me happy rn

sometimes i wonder if other artists feel this way too, like if they ever stop performing or creating they're going to die

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im watching this video and cant stop thinking caitvi if they were latin dancers

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awake at 4 am making the birthday gift for my princess (my platonic yet intense relationship of love with this woman is consuming me)

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sometimes when she laughs too hard i get a glimpse of the face she probably makes when she's ugly crying

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im being very normal about this

vi manspreading

so true