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19.48 / 29.07.25

I‘ve been in the psychward for a few weeks now. Nothing has changed, because I dont get the help I so desperately need. I only had therapy twice now. TWICE!!! And it was only for diagnostic reasons. No real therapy. I didn’t even get anything to help deal with urges to sh. Like how do you guys expect me to get better?? Yesterday I had the weekly meeting with the staff. The main doctor wants to put me on antidepressants, because I seem more ‘down’ or ‘depressed’ lately. I’m not. I’m just as depressed and numb as before. I’ve been more ‘down’ because I’m fucking sick. I have mononucleosis. It annoys me so much that instead of treating my actual problems they just try to give me some drugs as if that will help. I refused to take the antidepressants, because my OCD got triggered to badly I even had to cry. I’m terrifed of the side effects. Taking antibiotics (that don’t even help with mononucleosis) and pain medication is already enough stress for me. I don’t need any more.

My cuts are almost fully healed. I soon won’t have to worry about some staff member seeing them and getting sent back to the locked psych ward. I wish I could just sh when I feel bad or stressed. Nothing else works and I’m not really planning on recovering from it. I wish someone here would just help me.

My friends actually have become a little better. Well only marc actually. He told me that they have a present for me and that they miss me. I donkt really believe it though. We’ll see.

One last thing before I have to go. I hate myself so deeply. I feel like a monster. My sister and my mom both gave me a care pecket with sweets and other stuff. And I still hate my mom. She’s really trying to be nice and I can’t even say ‘I love you too’. I’m such an awful person. I don’t even look good. I hate that I have to be this way. I really with I could just kill myself. I don’t deserve this. But at the same time I only want somebody to love me like I love them. I crave love so deeply I constantly cry when I don’t get it. But as soon as someone shows their love for me I shut them out and get terrified. Why am I so sick? Why can’t I just function like any other person. School is stressing me out to. I have to go there to get my school certificate. I hate that I have to decide between Fachabitur and Abitur now. Why can’t the time just stop for a minute so I can think? Everything is stressful and I’m so done with it. All I want is to finally get diagnosed so I can leave this mental hospital and kill myself. There is nothing for me on this earth. No friends, no partner, no hobbies or whatever. Nothing. Why live when not even the people that are supposed to help or take care of me want to know anything about me. Everything is so pointless.

I’m constantly on the search for a new FP. I need someone to love, obsess over and focus on. I’m so lost without them. I miss my bf honestly. Even though he wouldn’t have cared either. I cling to everyone that shows me some love or gives me attention. I’m so desperate for love it’s sickening.

I was supposed to die yesterday.

- Julia

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11.26 / 19.07

I‘m home over the weekend. I was so excited to see my friends again, get proper sleep and eat good food. But none of my friends are willing to make time for me. Others are on vacation. I can’t reach out to anyone. I feel so fucking lonely, I hate myself. I constantly switch between pushing everyone away and then pulling them close again. I don’t think I’m important to my friends. No one texts me trough out the day. Like please interact with me. I just need to know that there is still someone who is willing to hang out with me. I want to sh, but I don’t have any razors. I’m probably just gonna buy some later. I can’t take this anymore.

I wonder if I should just kill myself. Well, I kind of have to. No one cares anyways. No one tries to reach out for me, so if I was gone for good they shouldn’t care too much. Why keep living if there isn’t anyone that cares if you make it or not? If i commit suicide everything it does is end my suffering. It wouldn’t cause any more pain in the world. Probably would cause relief, since I wouldn’t be here to annoy anyone. I tried to reach out to my bsf M. Told him how lonely I was. He was offended and said “Bro, I’m 2 hours away”. Like?? I know? I wasn’t talking about you. I’m still hurting though. But of course you had to take it as an attack. Instead of trying to comfort or assure me or whatever. I’m gonna commit as soon as I’m out of this psych ward. Probably not on the 28th, but somewhen in august.

Why can’t I just function like everyone else? Why can’t I be normal? I wish I could get my abitur, but in stead i have to be mentally ill. I probably lost all of my friends due to being admitted into a mental hospital. I hate myself so deeply. I can’t do anything.

- Julia

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17.21 / 15.07 / posting from the psychward

I genuinely HATE all of my friends. I have been here now for a week and nobody has cared to visit me. They could easily visit me. I can go outside whenever I want. Everyone has had friends of family visit them, except me. At first I was hurt. Then I shut down and became completely numb on the weekend (especially sunday). I tried to sh just to feel something, but it didn’t work. I emotionally and physically distanced myself from my friends. I don’t text first anymore. I stopped sending them tiktoks. Nobody has noticed yet. They only really text me to ask “How are you?” as if I’m in quarantine or something. Like please interact with me?? They didn’t even try to make plans to meet up. Even after I told them when they can visit me. I’m not contagious or dangerous. All I want is to stop being like this all the time. I want to cut all of them off. I already archived them on whatsapp, but I want to block them. They don’t seem to care about me or notice my absence.

It’s Tuesday and I’m starting to feel my emotions again. They are so intense. I fluctuate between extreme happiness and deep depression. The thoughts of harming myself are also back and they are loud. I get to go home over the weekend. I’m planning to drink alcohol, sh and have sex with some random guy. I need to harm myself. There is no other way. I cannot regulate my emotions. I either feel too much or nothing at all. Tbh feeling everything is better than feeling nothing. I’m glad, that my emotions and mood swings are coming back. At least now I won’t feel like I’m pretending to feel like ass.

At the moment I’m extremely depressed. I want to hurt myself, but can’t. I can’t even get up for dinner. Well, I can, but won’t. I want people to notice how shitty I’m doing. Earlier I was sitting on the porch with 3 other people. The staff asked everyone except me how I’m doing. I want to get out of here. I hate it here and at home. There is no place for me anywhere on this stupid planet.

Besides feeling depressed, I also feel very impulsive. I want to do something I might regret. Some things I’m already doing, like self isolation. Others I can’t do or haven’t done yet like sex, drugs and sh. I feel a strong urge to just get out of this psych ward earlier than planned. I don’t want to stay here. I don’t even have therapy yet.

My parents keep triggering me by bringing up my future. Like shut up. Do you want a daughter with the best graduation or a daughter who is alive? Probably the first one, because the only thing that ever matters is school. Even when I’m in a psych ward.

A friend wanted to come visit today. I send here the visiting hours earlier. She didn’t reply. Guess she’s not coming.

The doctors suspect I may have BPD.

- Julia

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09.22 / 11.07

I‘m in a psych ward now. Went there after a fight with my parents. I won‘t be posting much anymore.

- Julia

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17.13 / 07.07

I will move out as soon as possible. I already have an idea, just not a plan. I cannot stay at home, because I don‘t feel safe. Staying will only make things worse.

I will not be doing my abitur and instead just get my fachabitur. (In Germany are 4 main types of school diplomas and abitur is the highest form, while fachabitur comes right after.) This means I have to look for an apprenticeship as a dental assistant, where I’ll be making 1000€ per month. Not alot, but enough to move out. My parents, especially my mom, will kill me for not getting my abitur, but it’s just what I have to do in order to protect myself. School is too much for me and I can still do my abitur later in life. Right now the only things that matters is staying alive.

I’m considering to not kms soon. Living as if I will die soon has made me happier. But I will not heal if I still live at home. Moving out and getting my fachabitur just feels so right.

I still have sm self hatred in me and I feel constantly depressed, but atleast I have my best friend M and my cousin M.

- Julia

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22.52 / 03.07

Not really much to say about today.

My mom (& dad) completly forgot what I said to her, while I’m waiting for them to sleep so I can eat.

The sex was good yesterday. I actually felt something.

- Julia

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15.34 / 02.07

Skipped school today. I just can‘t go there anymore. Everything is exhausting, especially when it’s 35 degrees outside. I hate that I always have to perform and do my best in school and if I can’t do that, I fail. I feel like everyone is judging me, it even got to a point where I can’t even participate in school sport anymore.

I hate being at school and I hate being at home. I don’t feel safe here anymore, ever since the fight with my mom yesterday. It feels as if I’m trapped in a horror game, where I constantly have to watch out for the monsters in order to not get caught. I’m not even able to take a nape, because I’m always on edge even if my door is locked. I’m terrified to see my mom or that she might will want to talk to me. That’s unliky to happen, because everything gets brushed under the carpet anyways. As always everyone is leaving things unresolved and I’m left to suffer and worry. Atleast not for long anymore. I hope my parents will feel unbearable guilt about my death.

Had a talk with my dad earlier. Told him that I won’t have to show up for school sport anymore and he asked why. Told him that it was none of his business, because my parents don’t care about me anyway. As long as I get good grades they don’t give a damn about me. Like I could be on drugs constantly, but as long as school is going well they don’t care. He also said that I look fine and healthy enough to be able to participate. I tried to explain to him, that not all illnesses are visible, but he didn’t listen as always.

After we were done talking I immediately left and sh’d. The place on my hip where I cut myself keeps getting bigger and bigger, because Ikm running out of space. If I wear jeans shorts you will be able to see them on my right hip. I don’t care honestly. I will be gone anyway, so who cares about what other people think? As soon as I’m dead everyone will pity me anyways. I hope nobody talks about “We wish there would have been more signs”. There are tons of signs, but no one is willing to take them seriously. Its better this way. I don’t want anyone to try to save me or some shit. I just want to enjoy what I have left and then disappear.

I hope none of the guys I have sex with will get attached to me. They won’t know me for long anyway. I’m meeting up with some guy today at 22. He will pick me up and then we’ll have sex in some forest. I use sex as a form of sh. I let people use me for their own pleasure and then I am left to feel disgusted by myself. I don’t even really want to meet him, I don’t know why I still go. I will definitely get drunk before I meet up with him so I will care less about what is happening in the moment. I’m not sure if I will buy one or two bottles. Probably two. I need to be completely numb and numb. Just like I was every time I had sex with luan. Still will feel disgusting the morning after. Doesn’t matter.

I will probably be writing another post after I’m done with him.

- Julia

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18.04 / 01.07

I cant wait to end it. I just had a fight with my mom and finally told her, that she should honestly question her behavior, because she doesn’t even know why her child is in therapy. Told her that she is the cause of my problems. Instead of being mature she mocked me, told me to grow up and pretended to be the victim. As if I am the immature one. Like who is complaining about me always being mean to her?? I wasn’t mean, atleast I wasn’t trying to. I just told her that she might not be the best mom and to reconsider some things. But no. I am the problem, like always. Mom you made me this way. You are one of the reasons why I will be hanging myself soon. I cannot stand to be around you, because you make me feel unsafe as if Im around some time bomb, that is just waiting to destroy what is left of my poor mental health. I hope you can finally be happy when Im not here anymore. Im sorry for not being the way I should be, but I still hope my death will eat you whole. Or maybe you will just continue to run away from you own flaws, so terrified to face the reality, that you just might be like your own parents.

She makes we want to cut myself. I will probably do it after finishing this post. It’s not to harm myself. It’s just the coping mechanism that works the best. It immediately calms my mind and distracts me from whatever has happened.

I finally want to know what peace feels like. I want to feel free and committing is the best way to achieve that goal. I want to be hanging from some tree, swaying with the wind in utter darkness. In my last moments I only want to hear nature’s sounds. I want to be buried underground, because maybe then I can give back to nature what I took. I only feel at peace, when Im walking in forests and across the field. I yearn to feel this way forever.

Im glad, that L (my best friend) was able to pick me up soon after the fight with my mom. We drove around. I cannot face her and I don’t even want to be in the same room as this life-sucking demon. You took everything from me, when all I wanted was safety and love. Please change for my siblings mom.

My dad just entered my room and didn’t even consider to ask if I’m ok. He just gave me my bedding and left. Thanks for caring dad.

- Julia

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22.16 / 30.07

Today was my best friends birthday and we spend the entire day together. We skipped last period to go get something to eat. During the first break my other friends (M, A, K, N) surprised her with a cake. It was fun, but I just kept asking myself if they would do the same thing for me? I honestly don’t think so. I’m so curious to know if they would, that I actually considered not k!lling myself. Tbh it’s not worth the wait. Either way I will still be miserable and wishing that I ended things earlier.

I keep trying to get attention from guys by showing off my body. I don’t want to sound like a pick me. All I want is to feel loved and wanted and the only time I feel that way is when I’m having sex with some guy. I also just forget all my problems so I keep sexualizing myself to get what I want. As soon as a guy hints at wanting more from me than just Sex, I get terrified. I don’t want that kind of emotional closeness, even if I crave it so deeply. Especially since I’m planning on committing soon. I can’t get anyone attached to me so I only want to be an object for them to mistreat and only care about when they need it.

I think two guys fell in love with me recently. I immediately pushed L away from me. Two weeks ago he was supposed to sleep over at my place after he met up with some girl, but I pretended to puke from drinking too much alcohol and then ignored his texts until he drove back home. It was so incredibly selfish from me. I hate myself for being this way. I don’t even know why I do it. The second guy I only met two days ago and I made it clear that I only want sex and no relationships. P still keeps giving me signs of wanting to be in a relationship. I’m sorry but we met two days ago, you can’t possibly like me that much by now. So I also lied to him just like I did with L. Told him I snorted coke and took molly today to make him feel repulsed by me. He didn’t even care and I’m still stuck with him. I need to find a way for him to dislike me before he might actually fall in love.

I can’t wait to just kill myself. My best friend might be the only reason I’m considering to not do it.

I want to write more, but I don’t know what to write about.

- Julia

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19.49 / 29.06

Today was fine, but Im so depressed all the time. The only thing making me happy is knowing that soon it will end.

I sometimes wonder if my mom would be this mean if she knew, that I wont be around for much longer. Yes mom, Im sorry that Im not the daughter you want, but does that mean you can treat me like this? Do I remind you of something you want to forget? Or do you just hate me out of spite? Maybe I wouldn’t be so cold to you, of you weren’t this mean to me. I might deserve it, but younger me did not. All I want(ed) from you was for you to listen and understand. But every time I speak my mind the words disappear as if I were drowning underwater. I could (and did) scream directly at your face and the words would lose their meaning on the way to your brain. Nothing I say could make you change and listen. Does it really take for me to end it all for you to understand? You dismissed me so many times and don’t even notice how much you have damaged me. You are one of the reasons, that made me like this. I am the product of your upbringing. I am not evil, I am just the way you raised me to be around you. I had to learn to just be mean to you to protect myself from further harm. You would have never listened. Maybe if you would have listened on fathers day I would still be here.

“Wie man in den Wald hineinruft, so schallt es heraus.” (“Your actions will come back to bite you.”)

I made lunch for my sister and I. It was one of our favorite meals and I picked out the best cutlery. It was fun, I hope she liked it, because we didn’t eat together. My sister is an angel if Im gonna be honest. I never told her and probably never will, but she is such a good person. I love her even though she can be annoying at times. I also have a brother, but I rarely interact with him. He mostly stays in his room and doesn’t really do much. He reminds me of myself. I really hope that his future will be better than mine, that Im just the black sheep of the family. I hope he will find friends and doesn’t get excluded or bullied like I did. He doesn’t deserve that. I hope he is happy, just like I hope my sister is happy.

No one deserves to feel like this. I hope so dearly, that everyone I have ever known heals.

My friends know, that Im suicidal, but no one has cared enough to even just talk to me. I know it’s hard, but all I ever needed was someone right next to me. Someone to maybe even hold me and tell me that it’ll be alright. Maybe I expect too much? I don’t know. I just know that all I needed was for someone to ask me to hang out with them. For someone to not let me rot away in my room. For someone to take me seriously. But how can I expect my friends to listen, when not even my therapist does? He just ignores everything I say in group therapy. When he does listen, he just rolls his eyes at me or threatens to end my therapy if I don’t get better. So I just lie to him. Staying quiet is better than saying something and being overlooked.

I cannot wait to finally leave all of this behind me. I will finally be free when I hang from a tree.

I hope my funeral won’t be too expensive. I want my parents to use remainder of the 10k to pay for it as I won’t be needing it anymore. I don’t know if i want to be cremated or buried. Whatever it will be, I want to be with my teddy bear as it happens. Bury or burn me with him. The rest of my belongings should be given to my friends or anyone who might want them.

My cat actually saved me from committing 2 years ago. I was home alone and feeling horrible. Back then I reached out for moe, but he dismissed me saying it triggered him. I was in my kitchen close to committing. Then my cat came home and I broke down. I didn’t end it that night, because he stayed with me and I pet him for hours. I love smokey so much. He is the best cat in the whole world and I love him with all my heart and soul. I love his little visits when I leave the door in my room open, that leads outside. I hope he won’t come looking for me when I’m not around anymore, like he always does.

- Julia

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13.56 / 29.06

I will leave soon.

I realized that there is nothing left for me on this earth. I‘ve been screaming for help, but no one seems to care enough to make me want to stay. I tried finding my place on this earth, but in 18 years nothing has worked. I went to parties, cafes, tried out new stuff by myself and still haven’t found anything to make me want to stay.

The worst feeling is knowing when and how I will die. On the 28th of July I will hang myself. Im giving life one last chance. There is still some hope left in me. Something inside of me wants to live and get better. I even looked for a new therapist, because my current one is not good. He makes everything worse, because he doesn’t listen to me. He makes me feel even lonelier than I already am. I really hope, that there is more to life.

I wrote a bucket list of things I want to do before i take my life in one month. Its not long for filled with exciting stuff. Its actually pretty boring, but filled with activities, that make me happy. My goal is to use every single day I have left to experience life for the last time. I will eat my favorite foods, even though I have anorexia. I will hang out with friends and with my cat. My cat is the only thing making me want to stay.

This might be a little cringe, because its trending on tiktok. The only thing that made me cry is the song “let down” by radiohead. Every time I hear “One day, I am gonna grow wings” something inside of me breaks down and I realize that I will have to die. There is no other option left. I fought for something better. I actually tried. Nothing has worked. I tried to see the good in life, but nothing ever gets better.

Im so terrified of the future. Even if everything does get better, I dont want to be here to witness it.

I want the statue of an angel to watch over my grave.

I love so many people so deeply. I love Laetitia for being my best friend, she truly feels like a soulmate to me. I love Moe for staying with me for so long and not giving up on our, even when i was an asshole to him. I love Erin, even though I only know her because of edinsta, she listens to me and honestly feels like a real friend. I love Joe for being herself, she’s so adorable and Im glad we are friends again after not speaking for a while. I love my school friends, because they showed me what its like to have a friend group. Thanks Emily, Katherina, Marc, Anna, Nazra and even Melissa.

Everyone I ever met has a place in my heart, even if i dislike you or you dislike me. I even love Leandro, Luan, Finn, Luv, Rain, Yuri and more people. I cannot list everyone, but if you were a part of the emo park, you hold a place in my heart. If we ever only exchanged a few words, Im still thinking of you.

- Julia