sonyersblade

[sonyersblade]

goodbye

I think what hurts the most is that I let you treat me like that, that I let you walk all over me. You of all people. I guess I felt like I wasn’t deserving of anyone else, anyone better thats why I stayed. You were the first person in a long time that I thought wanted me, but I now realized I was being used. I dont know if I should be hurt or sad? I think the worst part is I still fucking care, I still care about you and your well-being but thats just because I have a big heart. You didn’t look at me the way I looked at you, you didn’t treat me the way I treated you. I bet if felt nice that someone actually treated you nice hey? I gave you everything you ever wanted and everything that you could of had, and I know someone else is going to come around, feel sorry for you, and then be there for you. Then you’re going to blame them just like you always do. You never take responsibility for your actions, I hope you know that I never attack you, I just told you the truth and was honestly with you because I was your friends and I trusted you. I don’t know what the fuck she did to you but you need to work through that shit before anything else. Im walking away not because I hate you, not because you did something to make me walk away. I am walking away from you because I deserve better. I deserve someone who actually treats me like an equal, someone who isn’t ashamed of me, someone who actually likes me. I just can’t believe it took me this long to get the clarity about you, I was blinded by you for so long, but now I can see again. 

[sonyersblade]

blame

I don’t blame anyone but me. It was my fault, I got attached. How do I get so fucking attached so easily? You told me what you wanted in the beginning and it wasn't me. You told me there was another girl so what the fuck was I still doing? Why did I still stay after countless conversations where you told me you didn’t want anything more with me, so then why do you continue to string me along? Am I so fucked in the head that I thought there might have been a possibility? Girls like me never get the guy, girls like me never fall in love, girls like me are never someone's first choice. I wasn’t your first choice but at least I was a choice for you. How fucking sad is that, LMAO because I was finally a choice to someone?? it still didn't matter because you didn't want more from me, you didn't want to commit to me. I know that I come from a broken family and that I’m unlovable so why did you pretend? Is it pretend? Fuck I never know what real with you anymore. I feel so fucking stupid, because I should of known. No I knew, but I just didn’t want to believe it. That's why at the end of the day, I don't blame anymore but myself. 

[sonyersblade]

torn.

What am I suppose to do? Continue to play games with you? Just for you to walk out of my life one day like everyone does? You make me happy, the happiest I’ve been in a long time but I’m scared, Im scared im going to ruin everything like I always do. I guess do I say fuck it and go all in with you? or continue whatever this is the save the idea that we would end up horrible. What am I talking about, its you I want it to be you, I should make it be you right??? gg 

[sonyersblade]

its always my fault

no matter I do, or say it is always my fault. Everyone makes me feel so guilty for wanting to put myself first and whenever I put my foot down then im the asshole? All my life everyone has made me feel like I am the asshole, why am i always the asshole. I try so hard, and ive been focusing on myself to try to be the best version of myself but no it is like I am not allowed? Do people not understand the concept of boundaries?? Its like having boundaries is my fault. Im sorry that you cant understand where I need to draw the line for my own sake. If I say I dont want to talk about it, then clearly I dont want to talk about it. All my life I have been belitted and talked down too and now when im am finally ready to grow then way my growth is is wrong?? Okay cool. yeah cool. No problem, just walk all over me like you always do and use me like a fucking doormat cool. 

[sonyersblade]

demons

My demons are back and holy fuck are they strong. I just don’t know anymore and I am so incredibly weak nowadays I don’t have the mental or physical capacity to fight them. Here my demons are here to take me, so I guess it’s goodbye.

[sonyersblade]

love

growing up I never knew what love was, I never felt loved. I didn’t know love. At my age now I thought I’ve experienced love once in my life but I haven’t yet. Or ever. Am I unloveable? I think I’m unloveable.

I always believed that some people were meant to fall in love whereas others weren’t. I believe I will never find love and even when I do, I won’t know it because I’m at a point in my life where I feel so unloveable. Surely my family loves me, my friends love me but I’m not IN love. I’m not IN love with anyone. Surely I’ve loved people but they never loved me back. I still love certain people who will never love me back. I will never be IN love, I don’t have anyone special in this world. I guess that’s just my luck.

[sonyersblade]

heavy

heart feeling extra heavy today, unlucky.

[sonyersblade]

love to hard

I always love so fucking hard and for what?? Just for everyone to walk outta my life. See the problem here is because every time I love to hard my heart becomes scared. I become scared to let anyone new into my life because I’m scared of them using my heart. I always love so hard but I never feel the love back. When will I ever met the person who loves as hard as me? Truthfully never. I believe that some people are destined for true love and where some people don’t deserve it and well, I don’t deserve it. I don’t, I haven’t, I never will. Never again will I love to hard again. You ruined me. Thanks for that.

[sonyersblade]

growing apart

Why does growing apart always hurt so much? Like nothing happened, nothing bad happened to make us become so distant with each other but it just doesn’t feel the same anymore. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, to have everyone I love just walk out of my life once they find someone better. No matter what someone better will always shows up and then you leave me. Everyone leaves. Everyone leaves me. When you promised me you wouldn’t leave me, like how the others did but sadly you did the same as them. I think the saddest part of it all is that I still love and care about you, I would do anything for you and that’s when I know this is fucked. I’m losing sleep over you, like I can’t keep imagining scenarios in my head with my heart feeling so fucking heavy. I think what upsets me the most is you promised you wouldn’t be like the rest of them you wouldn’t replace me and walk out of my life like they did, yet you did. You did exactly the same thing they did, but with you it hurts 100x more because of how much you mean to me. I guess this is just bound to always happen to me, unlucky.

[sonyersblade]

idgaf.

no matter how hard I try to have that idgaf mindset I can’t. I still end up caring about you, checking up on you, checking in on you where it’s not my place anymore. No matter what I’ll always love so much more than the love I’ve ever received.

[sonyersblade]

hot gorl walk

I just want to say that the stairmaster is a very humbling experience 

[sonyersblade]

five years later

I reached out because I care for you like I said I always would. A part of me will always love you and you will always be my first love. Even though I feel as I am not your first love, a part of my heart will always belong to you. No matter where I am in my life or whom I am with a part of my heart will always beat for you. It was never quite right with us, but we made it work. Forever and Always. 

[sonyersblade]

diabetes

i am the worst diabetic out here on GOD, also why the fuck are the drugs for this stupid fucking disease so goddamn expensive and FOR WHAT like FOR WHAT???? my head is literally going to explode if I have to keep calculating the $$$ I need for stupid drugs to keep me stupid alive 

[sonyersblade]

i miss u

ain’t no fucking way im missing you right now... but at last I am. I swear there probably not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you... truthfully I don’t really know why I still care like you ain’t shit period and we were never good to me. I think its because when I was in one of the lowest points of my life you gave me some sort of love, you made me feel something when I thought my world was falling apart. Sometimes I think and believe that YOU saved me, but like only I could save myself so I know that I did it all myself, but truthfully I wouldn’t have without any of your help. I think its so stupid that a part of me wishes and hopes that im going to magically bump into you and like something might spark between us but that shit so fucking stupid and like sad that I think that way. Anyways you probably forgot my ugly ass already but for some reason I miss you, and especially a lot right now. 

[sonyersblade]

update

my life been so fucking good recently I have literally nothing to complain about LOOOL okay everything is better but im still not where I want to be but yeah ok bye 

[sonyersblade]

love

what the fuck is love?? the end LMAOOO 

[sonyersblade]

selfish

the idea of selfish always seemed to be a bad characteristic to have but really its not that all bad. Being selfish is just putting yourself FIRST whenever that means physical, mentally, or emotionally it just means to put yourself FIRST before others. It’s like the idea how can you love others if you can’t love YOURSELF first? but for me all I do is love others, and give so much love out to others rather than loving myself. I have no idea how to be selfish because when think about being selfish I feel so guilty doing so. I try to look back to a time where I was selfish and I can’t think of one. I have ALWAYS put others first, I have ALWAYS put my friends first, I don’t think there was I time where I didn’t fold in favor of another person ever my fucking co workers that I hate I would always do grunt work for them but WHY??? Why can’t I be selfish and put myself first?? Shit am I a people pleaser??? oh fuck no. I have to learn how to be selfish as bad as that sounds LOL, because if I’m not selfish then I will never learn to put myself first and love myself first and if I can’t put myself first then I will never better my mental health which will lead to me never bettering my physical health which will just continue my spiral of everything. Though I see selfish as a bad characteristic to have it’s now a characteristic I need to adapt because its the first step I need to take to get better in every aspect of my life.