sonya-sunshine-blog1

[sonya-sunshine-blog1]

5/6/19 - Epiphanies

So much going through my mind today. Last night was a night of epiphanies mixed with fear and further self-realization. Intuition keeps telling me to leave everything behind. Let everything go. Release and don’t look back. It’s in those spurts of anxiety that I want to resort backwards and find clues and answers that justify past feelings. At this point there is no reason for that. It is done and the lesson has been served. Searching will only cause more anxiety which is not beneficial for my growth.

With these more recent romantic experiences I am beginning to understand mom on a deeper level. Through her experiences I am able to identify where her weaknesses were and build strength when experiences repeat on my end. I refuse to allow the cycles to continue. If this is what it takes so be it.

Synchronicities have been few but not so subtle. The theme of yesterday’s writing was presented to me in my horoscope last night. The exact topic as it relates to be and my love life. Funny how life works.

Yesterday we were protected by dogs. Out of no where they came to us while leaving the beach and walked the trail before us clearing the way. 4 beautiful and friendly guardian angels, one I named Panchito. Later as we were trying to enter “Dracula’s building” as the locals call it, their guard dog came out barking then wagging its tail showing all the love. He walked us across the street to our car then waiting til we drove off to go back home. I am divinely protected. I know this.

I am afraid to go back home today because I fear I will not feel as free as I do here. Freedom is a state of mind. I have a beach at home. I have my space and tons of love. I have baby Maya and I have sunsets. I don’t want to go back to Riley. I really don’t. I ask that the universe leads be down the right path towards prosperity and soon. Riley is one of the levels of inferno. A lower frequency place that haunts my dreams...literally.

I fear “running into” J*****. I fear having to confront him. I fear that he no longer thinks of me. That is the pain body talking. The best thing for me is for him to have blocked me too. The best thing for me is for him to despise me so much that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. That he never bothers driving by or dining near where I live ever again. The best thing for me would be for me to not run into Aaron anytime soon. I don’t even need a rebound. I need to live and stop searching. I need to just be. I need to delete the dating apps and try different. I am grateful for the lessons, but I don’t want anymore of the same.

I get a rush from the excitement, the mystery. Once I’ve figured someone out I lose interest. I prefer short-term intense relationships due to my fear of giving and receiving love. My birth chart is hella accurate. I seek someone with wealth and status - someone I can show off. I need security in all aspects of a relationship in order for my emotions and soul to thrive. If I don’t have it, I prefer being alone. Spot on.

The universe keeps giving me signs and omens that are serving my highest good. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for my heightened awareness of it all. I need to resort back into myself to re-find my balance. I need a great job maintaining inner peace and not letting things irk me like before. I have grown and now I know better. People spend their entire lives repeating the same cycles and living with their eye closed. I refuse to let that be me. I refuse to repeat lessons that no longer serve me. I rather learn and live fully. Love. I want to live fully into love. With each heartbreak my heart grows more and more tender. I’m not sure I even see them as heartbreaks, just lessons. Just stepping stone towards deeper understanding of the self. There are no mistakes. Absolutely none. There are no mistakes in others’ lives as well. I need to realize that and stop being so judgy. It’s all progress. Identify the limitations and look deeper within to release them. Respect the path others are on and stay focused on my own.

Time to meditate outside this beautiful place one more time.

[sonya-sunshine-blog1]

5/5/19 - Home is where the heart is

People travel around the world searching for a place to call home. They say home is where the heart is; home is wherever you are. Maybe the traveling heart can never find refuge anywhere because it belongs to the world. That longing and search for fulfillment is a universal calling. We search for love, we search for peace, beauty, youth, kundalini awakening, a home. Ultimately, are we all just searching to get closer to the divine? Are we looking to see God? Directing the attention inward is a method so few know how to do. I too get lost in the externals.

Life is but a dream within a dream. EAP

Magic happens when you open yourself up to opportunities that come your way. A invitation to a party, a local story of haunted buildings, a cup of coffee at a mall shop. None if it in coincidental. All is interconnected and intertwined in this beautiful web of life. Why spend time being petty and angry? I no longer want that in my heart. I no longer want a reason to keep it there.

When wants come let ego go. The want of a rebound; the want of physical desires of ecstasy is exactly what I need to let go of. It is at these pivotal moments where I need to surrender deeper into spirit and listen to the whispers within. The need for external validation no longer holds a place for me. I must see it for what it is: an illusion. We are all seeking acceptance. We are all looking for homes within others. Even if that sense of home is not what is needed. Sometimes that sense of home is a mask that gives the impression of a home. We can only discover home when we discover ourselves. Know thyself.

The wandering soul. I resonate so deeply with other travelers I encounter. There is a wisdom to each and every one of them. There is a beauty and sense of freedom. I feel a sense of being home. Trust travelers possess certain traits only other true travelers can spot. We know each other on a deeper level. I am them and they are me. The further you get from your comfort zone the more isolated you become with the self. We are so complex that we find ourselves in a constant fall down the rabbit hole of infinite truths. The further we wander the more we seek. We can travel around the globe but eventually we will end up back where we started. Back at the beginning. This time with more wisdom. Everything becomes so different. Everything remains the same.

Home implies comfort. When we become accustomed to taking leaps into the abyss home becomes a myth. There is no such thing as home because home implies stagnation. We are not stagnant as we are constantly evolving into something bigger and better (we hope).

I am free.

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Being in Todos Santos gives me the urge to release anything and everything that no loner serves me. A cleanse. There was a frog inside the bathroom at the cemetery house party last night. The symbology for a frog is cleanse. A cleanse of the old and welcoming the new. It is a good omen. Allow the flow and cycle of life to take its course. We cannot save anyone; we cannot help anyone. All we can do is wish them well and send unconditional love and compassion. No one can be saved nor is it our job to save them. Everyone must follow their own path...even if that means watching them burn. Sometimes that’s all we can do is watch people set themselves on fire and realize that we must detach from their flame. We must detach form everyone’s flame. We have our own to work through and we need to not get burned twice.

Meaningful conversations with the right people is what my soul longs for. At this point I don’t want to be the teacher. I want to be the student. I want to learn on a deeper level. I want to be in a constant state of awe and magic. I want to delve a little deeper into wonderland but not too far deep. The deeper you go the lonelier it gets. Maybe we need to find a home in the loneliness.

Time for me to go meditate. I sit here writing with the ocean view from the window. I am free. I am home.

[sonya-sunshine-blog1]

5/4/19 - Snake Dreams

I just want to be held. This is what I woke up thinking last night. I had oddly gotten used to sleeping beside someone else. It wan’t him I liked. It was the affection. It was the tenderness and the warmth of someone else. The warmth of a possibility. People come into our lives to serve their purpose then leave when it is time. What purpose did I serve him? He may not be self-aware enough to even recognize that. I hope this is my last post about him. I’m starting to forget his scent and his embrace which is a good thing. It all gets easier with time and practice. For this I have grateful for.

I dreamed last night of snakes. Maybe it started out with multiple snakes....I can’t really remember. What I do remember is a rattle snake following me. It had no rattle. I don’t know if it was cut off or if it just didn’t have one. I kept trying to escape it but it kept finding me. Because it did not have a rattle I figured that maybe it is different, maybe it’s following me because it just wants a friend. Then I remembered that it’s not the rattle that makes them dangerous, it’s the fangs. the venom. The rattle is there for warning. This was probably the worse kind of snake. One that comes without a warning. Mom ended up killing the snake. Burning it and the baby snakes that was inside - apparently it was pregnant. I was sad to see mom do that because it was such a harsh act. She did it in such a harsh way. I was mean to her, now I see that she had to do what she needed to protect me.

What I woke up to today is everything I have been manifesting. I have it. It is here. Natural sunlight entering the room with a view of the ocean and the pool. Next step is to manifest this into Encinitas with me owning the home. With my dream man next to be surrounded with stacks of $100 bills mapping out how we’re going to change the world for the better.

At this moment though I am grateful. There is a bit of emptiness inside but this too shall pass. Self-pity is lessening. I don’t want my defenses up. I want to trust. I did trust even though there were signs. I not only trusted I really didn’t care. I was able to view all of it with detachment. Such a cool feeling.

As I sit at the desk in the master suite typing while looking out into this beautiful view, I hear birds chirping, the ocean’s waves, a dog barking. I feel free. I am free. There is serenity that comes with mornings. With mornings at the beach. Mornings and the scent of salt water. There is no better feeling than this. The coast is my home. This is where I belong.

Love yourself first that way you know how to be treated for the future. No matter what circumstances come your way just know that you hold the ultimate power in your hands. You set the foundation and you always have a choice to walk away to what is no longer serving you or your higher self. When life gives you lemons thank Life because lemons are absolutely delicious. Add some salt and allow your mouth to salivate. Cross the bridge when you get to it. Don’t anticipate what might be because it hasn’t happened yet. Right now you are safe. Right now you are happy. Right now you are free. Life only gives you what you put out there. Put out blessings. Be mindful of your thoughts and your words and actions will follow. Detach from certain outcomes and just be. Just be. Just be. Just be.

Life without social media at the moment is liberating. I almost don’t ever want to go back. There is no point. I am not obligated to entertain anyone. I love them and that is enough.

I am grateful for my iPad. I am grateful for 750 words. I am grateful for literacy, growth, beach, travel, love, friends, health, beauty, confidence, mind shifts, hugs, cuddles, romance, genuine people, authenticity, love, love, love, love.

I feel I need to call mom. It might still be too early for a Saturday morning. 750 words is almost done. Anxiety started seeping in which is something I need to analyze. Maybe a walk to the beach will work. The beach is always the answer.

[sonya-sunshine-blog1]

5/3/19

I am feeling some kind of way. I am hurt. I am upset. I am wondering if I ever meant anything to him or if he just see me as some sort of gain. I also feel I don’t give a fuck. None of it has anything to do with me. He never cared for me and I never really cared for him. I liked the attention. I know this. I wonder what Aaron thinks. Does he feel Julian fucked up? Or was I just another one of J’s women to him? It doesn’t even matter. This too shall pass just like everything else. Just another name on my list of names. I am grateful. I am hurt but I don’t feel as ashamed or as dumb as I would have a year ago. I know what it is. This time around was my aha moment. Situations will repeat themselves until the lesson is learned. Lesson learned. I’m good.

Today is the end of day 1 in Todos Santos. I am grateful for travel. I am grateful for safe travel. All-in-all life is pretty fuckin amazing. I honestly don’t even want to finish these 750 words. Part of me despises this site but at the same time I am glad it was introduced to me. It’s a good feeling to know I can now cut people off without the fear of what they’ll think of me. It really is all about me. Every trait I possess is a strength. This fiery soul cannot be tamed. It cannot be controlled no matter what. I never could and it never will. I refuse. I refuse to live a life of limitations. Even if those limitations are created through my own accord. Life is limitless and I will live as such. I am free. I am free and I never have to worry about money ever again. People die trying to have the life I have. People live a lifetime never experiencing all that I have experienced. I am loved. I am so loved and I am learning to love myself more and more. I love myself so much that I will no longer tolerate anything that disrupts my peace. I vowed to make peace a priority in my life about a year ago and I have been standing strong. The next step is to cut ties even sooner. Practice makes perfect, right? I cannot activate the next level until this level is conquered...until I conquer a little more of myself.

Open heart, open mind. Authenticity. Walk your truth, speak your truth. That is the ultimate challenge in this world full of superficialities. How is it to be free? By removing the self-made shackles. We are only as limited as we tell ourselves we are. I am limitless. We all are, but am living as such?

Write write write write. I am grateful for my friendships. I am grateful for the souls that have been brought into my life. The souls who have stayed and who have grown with me on this journey called life. Love while we can because it all is temporary. Love where love has failed you...in those moments is when we must learn ourselves even harder than ever. If we do not love ourselves, who else will? Can anyone love us more than we love ourselves? Even if they did we wouldn’t accept it. We can only accept the love from others that we have learned to accept within. We can only love others to the extent in which we love ourselves.

Is there anything better than day drinking? Yes. SO many things. Why does that question hurt me so much? Maybe because I used to believe the same thing. Now I would prefer anything else although day drinking is exactly what I have been doing. I’d rather spend time with Maya, with the ocean and the trees. I’d rather be making love, taking a nap, meditating, enjoying the scents of a garden. I’d rather soak up some sun or take a bubble bath. Day drinking is just another escape. Day drinking is drowning away sorrows we are refusing to face head on. Day drinking is numbing the very things we need to confront. It is hiding away from the beauty that is LIFE. It is falling deeper and deeper into a sleep of avoidance. No me gusta. No me gusta one bit. My heart hurts...not just for me. My heart hurts for the world. My heart hurts for everyone who has ever hurt.

[sonya-sunshine-blog1]

5/1/19 - April showers bring May flowers.

April showers bring May flowers.

I was looking forward to writing earlier when I was feeling more sentimental but now I just feel irritated. I felt I was in flow and in alignment but at the moment something is off. The decision to leave the gardens and come to Pannikin might have been it. I was searching on the way when I should have just been. I keep hoping I run into W***. I am in a inner conflict as I ALWAYS am with him. Intuition yelled at me to go to the gardens. I missed work and went. It was liberating on so many levels. I went there not anticipating on crying. But crying is exactly what I did. I cried pretty hard. Tears of gratitude. Tears of release. I felt free. I am free. I cannot live with constraints, since I was a kid -- I cannot be controlled. I refuse to be limited. Not by a job, and especially not by a romantic partner. At this moment I am angry. At this moment I am angry at myself. I need to contact Pa about Mexico. I need to rent a car. I need to do all these things I knew I should have done. By bad. It's actually not all that bad...

Life is actually pretty damn amazing. I totally see myself living here in Encinitas. I've felt it for a while. I've felt it when I would come here with W**, with R**, or with anyone else. I felt it in my dreams. Speaking of dreams, I have no idea what I dreamed about last night. I barely slept. Obsession got the best of me while intuition was telling me to let it be. Let it go. Revenge and pettiness was real strong last night. Just let it be. Angry is definitely how I feel. It's there...underneath anger is pain. I'm hurt although I'd rather not admit it. Admitting that would show vulnerability. Vulnerability...exactly what I am trying to achieve. That's exactly what I need. I'm angry because I didn't run into W**. How ridiculous is that? The universe isn't giving me a clear sign to contact him. If it wanted us to meet up again he would contact me, right? lol

All reminiscents of J***** are now gone. Nothing of him left on my phone, my social media, my home. And just like that he is removed from my life. All that remains of him is my memory. One of my superpowers is being able to amputate connections that once were. It gets easier with experience. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I have a lot of experience in that arena.

I need to go back to the beach. It's calling me. I don’t want responsibility right now. Do I ever? I want space and time to reflect and process. I haven't had the change as I've been working and staying with family. I'm anxious. So so anxious.

I sent the text. Done deal. Whatevs.

I am feeling small right now. A few minutes ago before entering this cafe I was feeling brave and bold. Maybe it's not my energy. Bold like I am when I travel. I need to be that here in my home. I need to be that everywhere I go. At this moment I am avoiding looking in. If I do I might start crying and I am not in a place for that. That's why I need the beach. I need nature. I need the feeling of unconditional love and compassion. I need a big fuckin hug by someone who genuinely cares about me. I need love. So much love. I am so tired of providing it for myself over and over again. But the love I have for myself is unlimited. No one can love me the way I love me. Can they? Is it possible?

Maybe I have the urge to go to the beach because I have an urge to escape myself. Just like when traveling. I know too well that the further I try to run the more isolated I am with myself. There is no escape. Not with alcohol, not with sex, not with anything else. Just feel your feelings. It's ok to feel hurt. He hurt you. You trusted him. You trusted yourself. You briefly believed him and he intentionally hurt you. He intentionally betrayed you as pay back. Payback for not fitting into his little box of of the ideal woman should act. I feel played for a fool. Am I a fool? Puck thinks so..."Lord what fools these mortals be."

I crave a deep, raw and spiritual conversation. Maybe that's why I'm seeking W**. Maybe it's external validation or maybe it really is that soulFULL conversation and paradigm shift. That spiritual awareness and reminder of magic. I can get that with Cole too, but it's a bit different.

[sonya-sunshine-blog1]

4/30/19

We tend to go back to what is familiar to us, even if that familiarity is abuse. Carl Jung states, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” The love we all long for stems from childhood. We look for the parent in our potential partners. For some this can be a healthy and nurturing situation. For others, it is a path of self-destruction. Transference is real in all levelss. We must trust the vibes we get, we must observe that of which is familiar to us. Why is it there? Dig. Dig deep even if the answer is not one we want to hear. Trust the initial vibes, trust your intuition. Nothing is a waste as all is a lesson in its own way. Lessons become easier to manage when we learn to be gentle with ourselves while still recognizing our worth. One should NEVER lose sleep over how someone has treated them. No one should feel guilty for something they didn’t do. No one should ever wonder what they keep doing wrong when all they act is their authentic self. No one should ever question their core beliefs. If you find yourself doing so, choose not to participate no matter how addicting the pain can be. Pain, gentleness, ecstasy, pain....the cycle of abuse in its clearest form. A cycle only a trained eye can observe. A cycle only trained eyes choose to ignore for the sake of familiarity.

I don’t hate you as I know all is projection and I know you are in pain. I hate everything you represent to me. I hate that I ignored my instincts, I hate that neatly folded the red flags and put them away because you don’t like clutter. I hate that I didn’t shut that shit down the moment emotions rose up within me when I first seen your pictures, when I felt your lies on the first date, when the stories didn’t line up, when you made me cry after just 3 weeks. I hate that I liked the abuse. I hate that your gaslighting and put downs aroused me. In a sick and twisted way you can just call me Electra.

My manifestations were on fleek, I didn’t know I was manifesting the devil himself. The devil within me that I’ve turned a blind eye to. Parts of my shadow that was hiding away the many times I have shadow work. It makes sense. I am hurt....at you, at me, but I am also liberated. I learned so much! Now that this attraction is brought to the forefront of my consciousness I can begin (or continue) the healing process and change cycles even deeper. I refuse to play this game of push-and-pull. Not with you.

The dirty laundry is lifted. I feel free. I am free. You know you’ve made the right decision when you literally feel lighter. I should have chose Bumble over OKC...

The only way to know if you can trust someone is to trust them. I have no regrets.

Heartbreak and betrayal have always been my greeted muse. I am grateful for it. I am grateful for all of. Nothing is waste, all is a lesson. This too is familiar to me. I know how to heal. I am not devastated, I am not in pain, I’m just observing.

Every love encounter holds a wealth of experience and growth. How will I grow this time? How has this experience changed the course of the rest of my life? Whose arms is it directing me to? What soul will cross my path next? Thank you, Julian...next.

I was so excited to create my own profile and write in today. Now I am looking for words to type. Looking for a muse, looking for something. That’s what we’re trained to do, right? Search. To be in a constant state of searching and believing that we must always be looking for the next best thing. That we must be the next best thing. But we ARE the best thing now. The here and now is the absolute best that can ever exist because that’s all that really exists. At this moment life is actually pretty perfect. I am grateful. I am free.

Life is but a dream, a game that is not to be taken too seriously. We worry about shit that really doen’t matter. We are walking anxiety fearing the future and living in the past. That makes absolutely no sense. How can we live a meaningful life we dwell? Dwell as I am dwelling now. Maybe I’m just feeling and reflecting. I cannot let pain penetrate my peace. It cannot do so without my permission and at this moments there are hints of stabbing panetrating the ego. The urge to internet stalk, to unblock, to talk shit, to cry and go fuck someone else is trying to make its way through...fuck that shit. Let it be. Let it go. Let people go, allow space for new people to enter. Nip it in the butt and don;t turn back. Cut contact and leave to leeway for redemption. I do not hate you, I just don’t want you in my life anymore. I want absolutely nothing to do with you. I meant hat in the purest and most loving way possible. Mostly loving towards myself. I will always come first. Always. I want to vow to never ever let anyone treat me that way again, but I have vowed that before and yet it once again happened. I was quicker to cut ties this time around. It took me years to learn, but I’m getting it. Cycles will repeat until lessons are learned and there is no fuel left.