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Life has been good. It’s not great, and ever so often I’m reminded of you. I’ll occasionally do the guilty thing and look up your social media to see if you’ve liked/posted anything. But things have been good. And they will get even better.

I too, am filled with regret. But the biggest disservice I’ll be doing to my current and future selves would be to waste my time looking backwards instead of taking the time to admire what is in front of me/charging forward.

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“In school we learn that mistakes are bad, and we are punished for making them. Yet, if you look at the way humans are designed to learn, we learn by making mistakes. We learn to walk by falling down. If we never fell down, we would never walk.”

— Robert Kiyosaki, Rich Dad, Poor Dad

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~ Amy & Roger's Epic Detour, Morgan Matson

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A dull ache. A sigh. A thought that triggers another wave of emotion. Am grateful for the work that I can bury myself in. Albeit temporarily.

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Compromise. But also not really.

It’s okay. What’s important is that I made myself clear. And tried my best to stand my ground. And that my conscience is clear, from here on out.

At the end of the day, I love you dearly, and want you to be happy. Please never forget that. It’s just that there are limits to what can be done. Her happiness is synonymous to yours now. Not mine.

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Note to current self:

The only obligation I have right now is to take care of myself, and make myself happy.

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Today was a good day. I got to sleep a lot. We got to see the first half of that wonderful play. I get to see you again tomorrow for the second half. We got to talk about the play. I had a good time.

And yet here I am, at two-something in the morning, unable to get rid of these thoughts in my head. A reminder that you’ve moved on/are continuously moving on, in your own ways. I know you care, and I know you do what you can. And I appreciate that. But I also know that things are different now. It’s clear from our interactions and how we text. So I will remind myself that I need to do the same. I will find someone + be someone who wants to be there for me.

Tonight I am thankful for the reminder that I tend to forget to give myself. I love you, and I will strive to love myself more.

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Walking home now. I guess lately that’s been the best time to reflect and write.

This week has been strange. For me at least, I don’t know about you.

I’ve started wondering about whether I think about you more than you do about me. Whether I’m stupid for clinging onto things more than you have. Whether you’re slowly going to love me less and less, as time goes by. Whether you’re intentionally distancing yourself from me with time, so that things will be easier for you in the future, if you need to make a total break.

And then I want to smack myself for being dumb. Of course I’m in this more than you. That’s why you gave up. Of course I’m desperate for clinging onto this. Of course your love for her is going to grow with time together.

Doesn’t mean it needs to be a competition. Doesn’t mean I should be comparing. It’s an insult to your feelings for me (which I will always hold in my heart, regardless of what their current state is), and an insult to you for making assumptions of my own.

It shouldn’t matter, either. Good on you for being able to be happy. Yes, I want some part of you to always regret letting me go. To never get over me. But it doesn’t mean I want you to only be miserable. I pray for your happiness and health every day, yknow. Not that I’ve got anything to prove. I love you. You mean so much to me. Having these thoughts just further reinforce my feelings. And it’s looks like I’ll keep having to grapple with whatever the fuck it is I’m feeling. Regardless of wherever it is that you go.

I need to remember that as much as I sympathise with and can only imagine what you must be going through, I won’t waste my life on this path you’ve sealed with your own hands.

Today I’m grateful for being able to recognise that I’m important, too.

*****

In happier news: Elemental is a fucking fantastic movie, will definitely be watching it again. Thank you for your time, and your company. Couldn’t have asked for a better movie partner.

Note to self: always ask F for book recommendations (:

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“Educate yourself. When a question about a certain topic pops up, google it. Watch movies and documentaries. When something sparks your interest, read about it. Read read read. Study, learn, stimulate your brain. Don’t just rely on the school system, educate that beautiful mind of yours.”

— Unknown

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“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”

— Lyndon B. Johnson

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What a day. It’s always somewhat surreal, each time I get the opportunity to meet you. The strangest mix of surreal yet utterly familiar, and perfectly normal. I truly don’t know how to describe it. But regardless, I am beyond grateful. Like I said, I treasure each and every second.

I ate so much today. Thank you.

I thought so much today. Thank you.

I ranted and shared so much today. Thank you.

I laughed today. Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart (and belly hehe). Thank you.

I only hope that today was as enjoyable for you as it was for me.

******

Even though you fell asleep (poor thing, you were so exhausted…), I thank you for still feeling comfortable enough to expose yourself to me in that manner. I hope to always be someone you feel comfortable around. It’s how you make me feel when I’m around you.

******

Today I am grateful for the ability to think, and to be able to appreciate art in its various forms. I am grateful that I got to major in what I love, and that to this day, I can still find that joy when consuming various mediums of literature. I can only hope to find someone who will enjoy doing this with me too. But if not, I know I can count on you to humour me heh. Thank you for always being willing to indulge my nonsense (and non-stop talking, heh).

******

“What is visible to everyone is not the most important thing.”

Thank you. Today was a great reminder of how I choose to interpret the aforementioned quote. The most important thing is what you and I know, and what you and I have shared, share, and will continue to share. Words aren’t enough, and they never will be, to convey what all of that entails. I trust you know what I know. And if you would like a reminder, I’m always here.

Good night, for now. Sweet dreams and rest well.

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I’m on my way home from work right now. I hope your evening is going well.

Every day, without fail, a maelstrom of emotions will hit me. I hate not knowing when it will happen. The worst is when I’m lulled into a false sense of ‘hey this has been going pretty alright’, and then uh oh, punch to the gut. Good job, brain.

I ate breakfast today (albeit my breakfast became my lunch). And a packet of biscuits. And now I’m going home to try and eat my dinner. So I deserve all the claps, please. Hehe :3

I went on a lovely walk on Monday evening. Granted, it became a little terrifying at parts where the path wasn’t well-lit, and I had to check behind me every couple of seconds to see that some creepy person wasn’t right behind me. But other than that, I’m glad I gave myself that time and space to go walking. It was nice to not know where I was headed, but also having the knowledge that I’d be able to make it back home eventually, no matter where it is I decided to wander to. And I guess that’s the attitude I need to remind myself to hold on to right now.

Knowing that you’re somewhere out there, is comforting.

Like you said. Little by little, I’ll let go of this loss (more your loss than mine - that’s what I’m telling myself to feel better; I think I’m allowed to do that much). And I will carry a piece of you with me, wherever I go. That’s probably why the pain will never fully go away. But I am thankful for the pain, because with it is the reminder of how much I love you, and how that will never change.

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“How beautiful to find a heart that loves you, without asking you for anything but to be okay.”

— Khalil Gibran

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“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didnt know before you learned it.”

— Maya Angelou

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“I just want you to know that there will be a piece of you in me. Always.”

— Spike Jonze