sometimes-legal-blonde

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

Lets talk about actual people that inspire, people that go out there and speak their voice for others to hear. I was speechless when I heard halsey poor this poem she wrote at the women’s march. It was beautifully insane and I hope it touched so many. She is a true icon of change❤️

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

So, there’s this movie called Finding Nemo. In it, a daddy clownfish sends his son off to school one day after agonizing for a long time about the dangers of sending his son off to school. This daddy clownfish had been personally affected by the dangers of the ocean, but he knew that education was greater than living in fear. Thus, he sends off his son, Nemo, for his first day of school. Nemo, however had been cooped up for so long, he had the need for danger stirring inside of him. When he and his friends are off on a school field trip, he sees a boat and his friends dare him to go touch it. Being the risk-taker he is, he goes off to touch the boat. After touching the boat, he gets captured by a diver and taken to a dental office with many other cooped up fish. His father is mortified, terrified, and scared. He sets off on this humungous journey to find his son facing sharks, turtles, the great barrier reef, almost losing his way time and time again. He gains multiple companions along the way all sought out to help him find his son. But when he does find his son, not all is well. All of these fish are being caught in a giant fishing net and instead of running away in fear, as his son should after being captured, he grinds in, pushes through, and helps all the rest of the fish escape. Nemo then goes back to school and lives his life once again, now more liberated by his journey but aware of the world around him. 

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

There’s a lot going on in the world right now. We’re here with you. Use this moment to pause, take a deep breath, and refocus. 

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

you grew on me

You grew on me when I didn’t want you to. I didn’t expect you to. I didn’t feel like loving you but one day I just looked at you and I... did. And you know what I blame it on? Your stupid freaking car. Parked in my driveway. At 2am on a Monday morning. While we sat there and talked about religion. And our lives. And the way the world works. And everything in between. And I knew as soon as we waited in your car that I wouldn’t want to get out. Because it was special. Our moment suspended in time. And I just want to fall for you slowly now. 

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

You still have a lot of time to make yourself be what you want.

S.E. Hinton (via quotemadness)

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

I was walking somewhere and it hit me out of nowhere that I’ve survived everything that’s ever scared or intimidated or harmed me in life

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

winterquarter mind dump

It’s really blown my mind, how crazy intense depression and anxiety can be. Because I’ve never been one to diagnose myself with anxiety or claim I was depressed, but, for the first time in my life I’ve literally felt it. 

I’ve felt the dread of waking up another day, seriously wishing I didn’t, and that I could literally go through another 24 hours of just sleep- not because I was physically tired, but because I was mentally tired and my whole being dreaded the thought of having to see any single person or do any single task that had any meaning to me. Laying in bed, looking out my window to see another beautiful Riverside day, but instead of seeing the beauty in the day, counting down the minutes until I could quite literally be back in my bed at the end of the day to get 5 more hours of peace, of not having to think, talk, interact with people. 

I’ve felt the pain of sitting in my car, ready to burst into tears after work and before having to go to a rehearsal where my heart would feel like it was literally beating out of my chest because I was around so. many. people. When 3 months ago, going to a rehearsal or a social situation would have made me one of the happiest people in the world. All I could count down the minutes to is when I would just be in my bed, door closed and locked, so none of my housemates could come to check on me. When I could literally come home and smoke tons of weed to numb out any feelings of despair and lay in bed in nothingness, praying it was forever.

I’ve understood the irony of standing up in not one, but TWO Sunday church worship sessions, proclaiming God’s plan for my life with my fake smile and cold hugs, when hours later I would be in my bed praying to feel less worthless, praying to feel something that wasn’t despair when I would think about the next days of my week. My friends calling me such a ‘good and put together person’, someone with ‘faith and dignity’ when I would just sit in my driveway for hours with my car off, unable to move out of the paralysis that my body felt about coming home and walking across the kitchen to my room- guilt that the people who loved me and lived with me thought more of me than I did of myself. 

I’ve felt the frustration of my friends when I was just ‘too busy’ to see them and the intense anger when they would come over to visit when I wanted to be alone. And shame when I actually would enjoy it. Shame because I didn’t feel like I deserved such good people to make plans for me and tolerate me, not even knowing how horrible I felt- but just because they knew how much I wish I could be more available for THEM. 

I used to be someone who would spend my days smiling, laughing, feeling warmth and joy. People considered me a ray of sunshine, people told me they felt happy when I was around them joy radiating off of me. Employers who saw promise in me, people who gave me leadership roles praising me for my efforts and management skills, peers who would come to me for advice and care. And I look back to all the people I’ve met lately, never getting to know that part of me, who would NEVER imagine me being that person of joy. Who probably see me as cold, negative, and reserved. Which is crazy, and my former self would be so embarrassed. And those around me probably think I just don’t like them anymore, probably think I just don't care about them anymore, when in reality I wish I could find the emotions inside of me to care for them. And actually, I care for them more than myself most of the time. Living to see THEIR success and happiness over my own most days. I used to be able to talk about myself for hours, but now when people would ask me things I would go quiet and not have much to say, so I would ask them about themselves.

I genuinely started to feel nauseous when anything good would happen for me. A promotion, a new opportunity, getting a good grade, because I was(am still sometimes) so convinced I don’t deserve it because of how horrible I’ve been. And even on the best days, I still have thoughts that make me need to close my eyes and tell myself over and over, ‘this is just anxiety, this isn’t me, I am not choosing this, none of this is real’. Replaying situations from months ago, years ago, that made me feel small and continue to get a hold of me. Things that I am sure everyone has forgotten- except for me- because I will never forget the moments that I just continue to regret. 

But I’m working on it. Slowly, I am working on it. 

And even in the hardest, darkest moments, I have to remind myself. 

 things. do. get. better.

I’ve woken up from anxiety-induced nightmares to phone calls from friends who have food for me at their tables, ready and excited to see me.

I’ve felt deep nothingness followed by a surprise visit of someone coming over just to be with me and sit in my bed and watch reality TV(and even though it might come off as though I’m irritated, I truly have appreciated it). 

I’ve experienced days where work doesn’t seem possible, silent car rides to work teeming with anxiety, to see 30 kids smile at me like they’ve never wanted anything more than to just learn from me and be with me. 

Or days where I would dread going to the gym, but once I was there, and seeing how strong I am, and how far I have come, making me want to go more, again and again. 

Texts from old friends reminding me of simpler times that make me want to live to see them again.

Moments of me feeling like my life should just end already, to unknowing phonecalls from friends across the country sharing their wonderful lives with me, who I know couldn’t experience life without me. 

I hated tagging a mental disorder on myself, and I am horrible at reaching out for help(or in general), but life is a rollercoaster that we can’t always understand, and just experiencing whatever slice you get, day by day, moment by moment, can be such a blessing. 

Tomorrow I may wake up feeling like nothingness is draping over my entire world, but I pray that within that moment, I can find a small glimmer of hope to keep me pressing through my days, appreciating each as a last of their kind. 

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

4 years

so for some reason, tumblr has always been my safe space for writing about this- solely because literally maybe 3 people I know follow me on here + maybe 1 of them actually is on tumblr. 

1 year ago I received a friend request on facebook from Noel Hererra. I was (a little tipsy) sitting outside in an amphitheater about to see a play with my best friend. I forgot what it felt like to be that upset deep in my soul until that moment. I never felt a trigger like that until that moment. Because it wasn’t me stalking him and seeing if he still lives in Albany. It wasn’t him coming up in my friends Instagram story that I knew he’d be with. It was him, seeking me out, clicking my profile, and SEEING me. He SAW my facebook, what I was doing, and thought it would be okay to request me as a friend. And for the next 4 months, I couldn’t take that moment off my mind. I would wake up in the morning, sit in my dorm bathroom + think about it. Wondering why I could let an entire rape go pass through my thoughts... but not a friend request from my rapist. 

2 years ago I was going through a horrible breakup and turned all my energy about the situation into my senior project on consent education. As if rapists actually needed to know what consent was. rapists dont CARE. and I think consent education is important, but it’s not going to stop rapists. It’s just going to stop girls from thinking sex is supposed to be shitty. 

3 years ago I was in hawaii. It was 1 year since it happened and I still remember laying in my little bed texting my bf at the time about how ‘strong i felt now!’. what a LIE. I never was honest about my healing. I opened up to maybe 2 people about what happened that year and he was the second one. Healing isn’t being validated by your boyfriend. Healing is getting help that I never got. 

And every year I’d go into my phone notes and look at the note I started on October 25, 2015. Updating each year. And each year the paragraph updates getting smaller. 

But next week is 4 years. And reading the past entries brought me to real tears. Because instead of tapping into what actually happened to ME, I would just distance myself from it each year. Each year making it more of a political issue than an issue of an actual person violating ME and MY personhood. And I do this so often. I am so slow to accept who I actually am because I don’t want the attention on ME and MY personal life. and I hate people thinking I’m weak or damaged or have issues but I DO. and EVERYONE DOES! I’m not special for having issues but I am special because I am me and I am valid. (ugh that makes no sense but, I digress). 

And now, 4 years later, I am so fucked up. I have no control over my emotions and have never learned how to regulate them. I go into sadness spirals that I mask by throwing myself into the work. But this year? I have no work. The only work I have is myself. And that? is terrifying. I have no clue how to end this post, maybe with a promise?

a promise to myself, for my fourth birthday, that I will do the work. get the help. be brave. be kind to myself. speak up. and validate myself. stop making my rape a political issue, and start realizing only I can get closure. only so many elle magazine articles can ‘fix’ an issue. and i can start to figure out who i actually am. 

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

University of California, Riverside- hacks

so, when I first sent in my SIR to UC Riverside- I had not a clue what to expect from coming to this school. I didn’t hear a lot about their theatre department, I was nervous about greek life, I was anxious about finding a job, finding my way finding roommates, etc, etc. 

I scoured the internet, Pinterest, Tumblr, Reddit(which was honestly the best source) for real student opinions of what it’s like to go here. and I didn’t find much.

Since I am finishing my first year at UCR, I figure I will write out ALL the essentials and pass them down to you, reader, to be able to conquer UCR, make a solid college choice, and know what to expect. 

ORIENTATION

so highlander orientation is a mandatory thing. It’s a good thing too- you really start to understand the school and the people and the vibe. you learn the campus and how to get around. you meet really dope people. 

~You need to register for the earliest one you can find~

I am saying this because you register for classes at orientation. I went to the last orientation and didn’t even get into a major related LC. It sucked. 

You also need to take placement tests BEFORE you go to orientation so you know WHAT to register for. Spanish? Math? English? find a UC and take your test to get it done. It’s super helpful. 

It is HOT. Bring water. Bring good shoes (i walked 10 miles one day!). Bring a portable charger. 

MOVE IN.

it’s hard. + exhausting. +scary. + exciting. I’m from the bay so i had a long way to go with tons of stuff and it sucked. It was also super emotional for my family and so that’s draining. Just be ready for that. Get there EARLY. If your move in says 2pm, honestly you could get there at 1. Get the good closet + dresser + bed. snooze ya lose. 

GREEK LIFE

So I knew before coming to UCR i wanted to rush a sorority. It has honestly been such a great thing for me. Greek life at UCR isn’t everything. It doesn't define your life if you do/don’t rush- you can still be in a social scene without it. BUT- it IS really amazing if you do choose to rush. 

If you are considering rushing~

- bring cute clothes! you need like cute outfits for all the days of rush + things that make you look cute and happy and make you feel good about yourself. 

- follow the sororities on Instagram and get a little familiar with them. so when you go to the houses you kindof know what you’re getting into. 

- do NOT feel pressured to go to a certain house because of a reputation or because of a friend you’re rushing with. Find YOUR home, somewhere YOU love and that you feel like you’ll be so happy at. These are the girls you’ll have sleepovers with and cry about boys but also go to dances and banquets and parties with. find your right spot.

when you rush

get INVOLVED in your CHAPTER. Getting involved immediately made me feel more at home with the girls. Do the bake sales, go to LETTERS!! play moonball, anchor splash, do your volunteer hours with them. It makes it so much more fun and you love the girls so much more. 

Theatre, Film, and Digital Production

so my major is TFDP with an emphasis in acting and directing. I always loved stage and it is where I see my success but this program is really versatile and has you work on both. It’s a GREAT department. I LOVE the staff, people, and opportunities. GET INVOLVED. If you are a theatre major you NEED to be auditioning, working crew, meeting professors, going to coffee with the fourth years, and learning all you can from one another, There are SO many resources on campus. here are a few that helped me:

- R’ Shorts (a film club on campus! audition for their stuff)

- ALL THAT JAZZ MUSICAL THEATRE (I founded this club, we do musical theatre stuff and masterclasses, its GREAT)

- Latina Play Project/Model Minority (both theatre groups that work so hard and do great shows!)

-GLUCK (get paid to do IMPROV)

- and honestly just auditioning for everything on campus!! The department itself does fall play, winter musical/winter film, and a spring production as well. Also, there are a lot of other ways to get involved in the department- there is ALWAYS something going on. 

In my experience, getting involved with people in the theatre department was the best thing I did for myself because everyone is SO kind and generous and wants you to succeed. 

CONCERTS

UCR throws amazing- AMAZING concerts. The lineups are great, the food is great, the photo opps are great, the pregames/after parties are GREAT. Just go, have a great time, and enjoy yourself. 

CLASSES

so like usually college is where we go to do school and stuff- and classes are HARD(for certain majors). I’m TFDP/Dance but I still have to take breadth and do the whooole shebang so here are a few tips to boost your GPA (even tho C’s get degrees).

1. RATE MY PROFESSOR! LISTEN TO IT!! DO NOT TAKE POORLY RATED CLASSES! SRLSLY

2. Taking a class C/NC is not the end of the world. If it is going to tank your GPA- DONT DO IT FOR A LETTER GRADE. there is a form online that allows you to CNC until i think week 8?

3. take a dance practice class for an EASY A and a GPA boost. My first quarter I took 2 dance practices before I declared dance and bc I literally SHOWED UP i got an A. People who don’t dance take these classes! Take beginning ballet or beginning hip hop. or spanish dance. literally any beginning course will be easy and fun. 

4. Study rooms are orbach are coveted during finals week. reserve in ADVANCE. 

5. 1st floor orbach- loud. 2nd floor orbach- silent. 3rd floor orbach- greek. 

6. if youre desperate- go on reddit and make a post about a certain class. reddit has saved me a few times honestly. hidden gem. 

7. GO TO OFFICE HOURS FOR YOUR TA’s. THEY ARE THE ONES GRADING YOU, SO IF YOU NEED SOMETHING AND THEY KNOW YOU- YOU’LL GET IT. I always had my Hist TA look at my papers before turning them in and one time my paper got submitted wrong and she let me resubmit and saved my ass. Literally just because I asked questions and was on her good side. 

RIVERSIDE THINGS

+back to the grind coffehouse in downtown is open really late, good coffee, and it’s cute. it’s cash only tho. 

+iced coffee from Lee’s sandwiches works better than adderall sometimes. it’s cheap and amazing. 

+$1 tacos at the taco place on university next to asian fusion/walgreens

+ding tea is supreme, roasting waters is shitty boba(but good smoothies) with cool, reusable, glasses, boba tea house is the closest walk to campus, but Ten Ren’s is the BEST for studying. 

+ontario airport is closest to UCR. 

+everyone raves. so EDM is huge. 

+you don’t need a bike to get around campus. I walked everywhere. It was great. it takes 15 minutes TOPS to get from one side to the other. 

+taps works harder than the devil

+inkhouse tattoos in moreno valley is $35 tattoos on Tuesdays and 1/2 off piercings. 

+riverside is pretty sketchy in some parts. Make sure you stay with people if you’re exploring at night.

+THE SRC HAS FREE MASSAGES SOME DAYS.

+UCR is in the shape of a circle. if you get lost, go to the belltower and work from there. people are really helpful. 

+if you have to take an 8am, take it your first year when you live on campus. and take it your first quarter. after winter, you lose your will to LIVE...

+if you get shitty classes, try to register again 2nd pass. It’s worth a shot!!!!

+if you can’t get any classes you need, SHOW UP TO THE LECTURE AND ASK TO BE ADDED. 

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

dance insight

so today in ballet we’re doing pirouettes but like fucking crazy pirouettes like fuette into pirouette arabesques on a four count and its in fuckin sane and we’re doing these like for 32 bars at a time and we’re dying and laughing because it’s so hard and we’re all BA dance majors at UC Riverside not prima ballerinas and my dance teacher who is literally a saint like long live kelli she is QUEEN like Julie Andrews level queen is like,

‘you aren’t landing your turns because you’re taking your past turns into your future turns. Do your turn. Land it. Take a breath, and do the next one. Don’t go into your next turn thinking it’s going to be good or bad because of how the last one turned out, just take it as it is and use everything you know. Because you CAN do the turns, your body KNOWS how to do them. It’s the mind that’s stopping you from being successful in it’

and we all were just like damn, she said that. 

and then I got all philosophical in my head and started thinking about what other aspects of my life I’m not allowing myself to be successful in because of a past experience. And it’s a lot. It’s my hard classes that I give up on. It’s my relationship with myself. It’s my relationship with other people. It’s intimacy. It’s friendships. It’s my work. It’s my major. 

Allow yourself to be successful. You’re the only one in the way between yourself and your goals.  

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

Astrology: The Houses 

The birth chart is a big pizza pie with twelve slices.  And each represents very particular expressions and experiences.  

These are called houses. Where are your planets? The Zodiac sign of the planet will show you the particular way it’s directed. The house placement of a planet, shows you the realm of life where it plays out.

In The Astrological Houses, the birth chart is a mandala, and one that “tells an individual how he can best fulfill his destiny.”  And the house of that planet is the field of experience where that force is likely to find its fullest expression.  

First House: (House of Aries and Mars)

This house Includes the all-important Rising Sign (or Ascendant), and is the first impression given to the world. The house of identity, here are clues to our overall outer package, including behavior, physical traits, social mask, health and well-being. Planets here shape how others perceive you, and the “vibe” you put out there.

Second House: (House of Taurus and Venus)

This is often referred to as the arena of money and values. It’s the province of stability, resourcefulness and slow, steady progress. Here you’re shown how a grounded life can be created, one that is self-sufficient and in line with your values.

Third House: (House of Gemini and Mercury) 

The house of education, short travels, the family tribe (siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles), neighborly exchanges and more. The style of sharing life observations comes through here. It’s the arena of filtering info in, and sending it back out into your community.

Fourth House: (House of Cancer and the Moon)

The arena of family, ancestral roots, the unconscious, Mother, and your sense of home. Planets here influence how you nest, and the experience to be had in the home base. Linked to our earliest moments in the womb, and even before that, in the undercurrents inherited from sources beyond this lifetime.

Fifth House: (House of Leo and the Sun)

The house of creativity, and the Self radiating confidently outward. It’s the arena of loving life through play, love affairs, self-expression and relating to children. Planets here also shape the way your Father is perceived, as well as risk-taking and the exuberant thrust into new creative fields.

Sixth House: (House of Virgo and Mercury or Chiron)

The realm of routine in the service of a healthy, fulfilled life. Exercise, diet, our daily work, all fall in this arena. Planets here reveal your approach to daily life, discipline, colleagues and your own physical well being.

Seventh House: (House of Libra and Venus)

This house holds clues to the tenor, style and lessons of your major relationships. That includes marriage, business partnerships and the big friendships in your life. Relationships are a mirror of the Self and planets here show what kinds of self-growth happens for us in that arena of life.

Eighth House: (House of Scorpio and Pluto)

The house of regeneration through sex, and personal periods of death & rebirth. This realm deals with all things dark, hidden and potentially destructive, including our own unacknowledged psychic undercurrents. Planets here influence how we deal with the unknown – whether with fear, attempting to control or surrendering to be transformed.

Ninth House: (House of Sagittarius and Jupiter)

The arena of higher education, seeking knowledge, traveling and exploring the world. Planets here show how we expand our field of experience, and integrate all we know into a philosophy of life. This sphere reflects personal vision quests, dreams, aspirations and how we search for higher wisdom.

Tenth House: (House of Capricorn and Saturn)

The house of personal authority and long-range career ambitions. Planets here influence how you create real change, and become an authority in your area of expertise. It determines things like persistence and endurance toward your big goals.

Eleventh House: (House of Aquarius and Uranus)

The house of friendships, networks and the collective currents. Planets here show what kinds of alliances you create based on shared hopes, dreams and visions for the future.

Twelfth House: (House of Pisces and Neptune)

This house deals with hidden realities, and planets here are vulnerable to illusion. Called the “house of undoing,” because planets placed here are immersed in the All, and hard to see clearly. Growth in this house happens at the soul level, and often far below the radar.

Much love to all… go in peace my friends

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

we’re at the final full day of pisces season & mercury is almost about to go direct. congrats, you survived! there’s still a but if work that needs to be done thiugh. as we all know, mercury retrograde brought up quite a bit of conflict as well as old repressed emotions, as well as people returning into our lives. this is a recipe for us to feel distraught, tense, and drained. however, the message of this reading is to let go of the past, learn from it, and move on. any time i see the five of cups along with the death card, i immediately hear “stop crying over spilled milk.” looking at the 5 of cups, the person is crying over the 3 cups that spilled over, completely forgetting or oblivious to the fact that they have two cups right behind them, fully in tact. the 4 of cups indicates that we’re all scared of having a repeat of what happened in the past, so we’re dodging the opportunities the universe is throwing us. we need to STOP doing that!!! mercury retrograde was a time to reasses, learn, and grow from our past mistakes, so now the universe is throwing us all these new opportunities because we are ready for them now. don’t force yourself into it, nor should you force yourself to avoid it. learning from your mistakes is the best way to grow.

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

this is a pineapple cleanse reblog to be charged with the sweetness of a pineapple also don’t forget to drink your almighty pineapple juice💛🍍💛🍍💛🍍💛🍍💛🍍💛🍍💛🍍💛🍍💛

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

where did I find you

where did I find you this time?

this time, I found you in the coldness of my fingertips after a particularly dark morning, begging to be held

this time, I found you in the little rush before speaking to a new person, reminiscent of our first talks

this time, I found you in the quiet lull of my car, driving home at the end of a long day

this time, I found you- but I didn’t need to. 

because this time, when I found you, I left you where you were and continued on with all that I do, anyway, for me. 

[sometimes-legal-blonde]

Just want to bring this to everyone’s attention.