sometimes-i-write-good

[sometimes-i-write-good]

[sometimes-i-write-good]

Did everyone love their call signs? (X)

[sometimes-i-write-good]

most wanted man.

pairing: bucky barnes x avenger!reader summary: you’re living at the watchtower, allegedly saving the world, definitely dodging yelena's increasingly nosy questions about your whereabouts, your skincare glow, and why bucky keeps “accidentally” leaving behind shirts in your shared apartment. she hasn’t cracked it yet, but she’s circling—muttering in russian, offering suspiciously specific threats, and watching you like you’re the main character in a rom-com that she didn’t agree to binge. word count: 7.4k content warnings: 18+ mdni, fem!reader, piv, handjob (m!receiving), car sex, public sex, kind of feral bucky, sloppy make-out sesh ftw, bucky barnes whines agenda, holding your jaw, nipple play, dirty talk, praise, spanking, dom/sub undertones, soft dom!bucky towards the end, soft dom!reader in the beginning, bucky manhandles you, basically picks you up (as much as possible in a tight car), switch supremacy, riding, dirty talk, protected sex, mild brat taming, getting caught series masterlist!

The thing about living with Yelena is—well. 

There’s a lot of things, actually. Too many things, some might say. Too many things that, when combined, form a singular and inescapable truth: she is the human equivalent of a raccoon raised in the Red Room and then forcibly recruited into yet another murder band with really solid branding.

For starters, she eats like she thinks the concept of refrigeration is a government conspiracy. This is not hyperbole. 

This is a woman who once stored an entire tuna melt on her nightstand “for later” and then forgot about it for three days. She doesn’t snack so much as she hoards, nesting bags of chips and half-eaten protein bars in her duvet like a squirrel preparing for a nuclear winter. You’ve lost three forks, two mugs, and a perfectly good wedge of brie to her culinary black hole of a room. 

She calls it “keeping morale high.” You call it biohazardous.

And then there’s the commentary. 

Yelena does not go silently into any domestic routine. She narrates everything, usually in the third person, often with the aggressive flair of a Russian Gordon Ramsay who may or may not be about to burn the place down for "fun." Cooking becomes a high-stakes battle. “We chop onion. We cry. Like weaklings. Like the British.” 

Even brushing her teeth becomes some kind of militant monologue: “We polish enamel. We protect gum line. We prepare for battle.”

But the worst thing about Yelena—the thing that haunts you, the thing that makes you contemplate faking your own death just to escape—is how she inserts herself into your business like she’s been hired by Valentina to audit your emotional stability.

It started small. 

A lingering glance. A muttered “Hmm.” But then she started doing rounds. Like, actual patrols. 

She memorized your schedule—your schedule, which even you don’t know most days—and began clocking inconsistencies like she was training to be your paranoid grandmother. Which, in fairness, she probably already was in a past life.

“You are acting suspicious,” she says one night, appearing in the kitchen doorway.

You freeze mid-sip of your tea, which you were using in a vain attempt to lower your cortisol levels. “I literally just got back from training.”

“Yes,” she says slowly, chewing thoughtfully, “but who were you training with? And why do you smell like peppermint and sandalwood? That is not your usual body wash.”

Jesus, Yelena.

You lie. You say Ava. Or maybe it was Walker. 

Someone harmless. Someone whose jawline does not inspire feral decisions. But Yelena is already narrowing her eyes in a way that suggests she is not only not buying it, but has also started a folder on you labeled “Case Study: Dumb Bitch in Denial.”

To be fair—yes, you have been sneaking out a bit. 

Taking the long hallway detour to Bucky’s office. Slipping into maintenance closets when the cameras flicker, like a horny teenager in an Avengers-branded adaptation of Pretty Little Liars. 

And yes, maybe your skin has looked better lately. The kind of better that usually implies someone else’s hands have been on it. 

And maybe you’ve been humming. Humming. You don’t hum. You barely speak. You’re emotionally constipated and have the range of a well-dressed houseplant when it comes to processing affection. But ever since you and Bucky started whatever-this-is—quiet, combustible, behind-closed-doors soft things—you’ve been glowing.

You didn’t notice until Yelena did.

“Your lips,” she says, squinting at you across the living room like a sniper. “They are… flushed.”

You blink. “I… drank tea.”

“No. No, this is not ‘tea’ lips. This is ‘makeout’ lips. This is ‘I was pressed against wall for twenty minutes’ lips.”

You nearly drop your laptop. “What—why are you analyzing my lips?”

“Your shirt is on backwards. You think I do not notice this? I am assassin. I was trained in pattern recognition before I had baby teeth.”

Your hand flies instinctively to your collar. Fuck.

“You’ve been compromised,” she says gravely. “And I will find out who it is.”

That’s the other thing about Yelena. She doesn’t let things go. She once spent two weeks trying to track down who used the last of her cinnamon oatmeal packets. The culprit turned out to be Walker. Yelena retaliated by putting a dead fish in his air vents with a note that said “Justice.”

So now, you live in constant fear. Constant awareness. You are your own personal counterintelligence operation. You wash your sheets at weird hours. You delete texts like you’re in a spy movie. You and Bucky have perfected the art of the silent nod across mission briefings, which is very romantic in theory and very suspicious in practice.

The only reason you’re not already exposed is because Bucky, in all his war-ravaged, sad-eyed glory, is a professional. 

The kind who can disassemble a rifle blindfolded, lie to a senator without blinking, and apparently conceal a full-blown romantic entanglement under the very noses of four other elite operatives and one former Russian assassin who has made it her personal mission to uncover your secrets.

He calls it courting. Earnestly. Like he’s in a Jane Austen novel. 

You think it’s endearing, the way he says it so casually, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Yeah, I’m courting you. Why else would I be fixing the carburetor on your bike and leaving your favorite tea in the cabinet?”

Meanwhile, Yelena is convinced this is all part of some elaborate domestic conspiracy. 

“He is nesting,” she told you once, tone grave, arms crossed, fully dressed in camo pajama pants and a Hello Kitty-themed crop top. “He is nesting and preening. Like a bird. A bird who has found a mate.”

You had laughed. Mistake number one.

She narrowed her eyes. “Do you think I do not recognize courtship behavior when I see it? He shined his boots last night. At two in the morning. While humming 'Dream A Little Dream of Me’ That is not normal behavior.”

To her credit, it was suspicious. 

Bucky also doesn’t hum. At most, he grunts. Occasionally sighs like someone in a World War II-era cigarette ad.

But lately?

Lately, he’s been a little… brighter. 

In a subtle, grumpy, “please don’t perceive me” kind of way. He drinks his coffee slower in the mornings. Keeps extra protein bars in his pocket like he’s waiting for a chance to hand you one. Walks a little too close when you’re on missions, always on your left side, like it’s muscle memory. 

Once, you caught him folding your laundry—folding it—like a man with a mortgage and a dog and a Sunday morning routine that involves jazz records and quiet domestic bliss.

It’s terrifying.

You don’t bring it up. 

Not when he presses your knuckles to his mouth before you head out for recon. Not when he kisses your forehead in the elevator and then stands three feet away the second the doors open, arms crossed like he’s never touched you in his life. Not even when he starts wearing cologne again—light, warm, expensive-smelling—and swears he’s just “trying something new.”

(He’s not.)

Yelena knows something is up. 

But Bucky is nothing if not disciplined. He can fake normalcy like it’s his job—because it was his job, once. And when he walks into the common area like he hasn’t just kissed you breathless in the weapons bay, nobody questions a thing.

“Are you seriously accusing me of dating Bucky?” you asked.

“Your ears are pink,” she says. “Means you’re lying.”

“Maybe I’m just warm,” you snap, elbow-deep in the cabinet pretending to look for the chia seeds you both know expired six months ago and that neither of you have ever used. “Because you keep interrogating me like I’m under oath.”

Yelena leans against the counter. “You are under oath. You are New Avenger. You live in Watchtower now. Shared housing. Shared responsibilities. Shared secrets.”

“That’s not how this works,” you mutter, but it’s too late—she’s already in full spiral mode.

Her eyes narrow. “I bet he wears dog tags. That’s why you’ve been lingering by the laundry chute. Looking wistful. Like wife in war movie. You think I do not see this?”

“Jesus Christ,” you mutter, abandoning the chia seed charade entirely and grabbing the first bag of stale pretzels you can find. “You need a hobby. Like embroidery. Or ketamine.”

“You know I cannot take up embroidery,” she sniffs, folding her arms with all the judgment of a Victorian ghost. “My hands are too calloused from killing.”

“Exactly my point,” you mutter, already backing out of the kitchen before she can hit you with another round of, ‘tell me which of your t-shirts now smells like man who definitely owns a motorcycle and a deeply tragic past.’

You retreat into your room and shut the door. Not slam it—that would be dramatic, and drama invites follow-ups, which you can’t afford. Not when your nerves are already strung tighter than the drawstring of Alexei's tactical sweatpants.

You sit on your bed, cross-legged, staring at your phone like it just wronged you personally. Which, honestly, it kind of has. It holds all the receipts—literal and emotional—and you’re half a scroll away from fully self-sabotaging. Again.

Still, your fingers drift toward your messages like you’re possessed. Like there’s a magnet in your thumbs and he’s the center of gravity.

You open the chat you’ve kept pinned for weeks. James Buchanan Barnes. No emojis, no nickname. Too obvious. Too dangerous. Too soft.

You type:

hey. u busy tonight?

You watch the little dot-dot-dot bubble appear faster than you expect, like he’s already on his phone, already thinking about you. You pretend that doesn’t make your stomach flip over.

No. What’s up?

was thinking movie? maybe that vintage theatre on 8th? something loud and action-y with too many explosions?

You picking the movie now? Bold of you.I’ll come by at 7.

You smile—grin, actually—and then immediately check yourself. Because if Yelena sees the grin, she will smell the grin, and the bloodbath that follows will be entirely your fault.

But still. You can’t help it. Because Bucky doesn’t just text like he cares—he texts like he already knows where you are, where you’ll be, and he’s not just showing up, he’s choosing to.

You glance at the clock. 6:12 p.m.

You text back:

bring your hoodie. the gray one. i’m stealing it.

He replies almost instantly.

Then I’m wearing something else. Can’t have you luring me in just to rob me blind.

You stifle your laugh into your pillow.

And outside your door, Yelena says through the thin wood with terrifying calm:

“…You’re giggling.”

You fling the pillow at the door with the force of a woman being hunted for sport. “I’m watching a TikTok!”

There’s a pause.

Then: “Is TikTok man also 108 years old and emotionally stunted?”

You groan. And text Bucky again.

new plan. fake our deaths. flee the country. start a goat farm in denmark.

Sounds peaceful. Pack your things. I’ll bring snacks.

You smile again. It’s stupid. It’s so stupid.

But it’s yours. For now. For tonight. And maybe, if you’re careful—if you’re quiet—it can stay that way a little longer.

.

By the time 7 p.m. rolls around, you’ve changed shirts twice, scrubbed concealer off your chin three separate times because it wasn’t settling right, and snapped at Yelena for daring to suggest you “chill.” Which is rich, coming from a woman who once threw a knife at a mosquito.

“I am chill,” you’d hissed, eyes bloodshot from mascara-related rage.

Yelena had just raised a brow and calmly returned to slicing an apple in the most violent, vertical way imaginable. “If that’s what we’re calling this now, then sure. You are chill. Like freezer meat. Cold and full of tension.”

She had not blinked once during the entire sentence.

Now, you’re pacing in the lobby of the Watchtower like a 1950s housewife waiting for her sailor husband to return from sea—if said housewife was also secretly armed and contemplating the logistics of a little kiss in front of several surveillance cameras and Valentina's favorite vending machine.

The ding of the elevator saves you from your spiraling.

And there he is.

Wearing that hoodie. The gray one. The one that smells like cedarwood soap and, unfairly, his new cologne. His hair’s pulled back into a loose knot, which means you’ll be thinking about his neck for the next several days, and his hands are shoved into his pockets like he’s not sure if he’s allowed to be here or if this is all some weird fever dream conjured by too much emotional growth.

“Hey,” he says, voice low, faint smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Sorry I’m late. Alexei stopped me to ask if I’ve ever seen Fast & Furious. I told him I lived through World War II. That seemed to confuse him.”

You snort. Loudly. You can’t help it. He looks good. Like really good. Like you might actually explode from how good.

“I like that you wore the hoodie,” you say casually.

Bucky gives a soft, knowing huff. “You said you were gonna steal it.”

“And I will. Just not yet. That’s how crime works. It’s about the long game.”

“Ah,” he says, and steps a little closer. Just enough to make your breath hitch. “You’re playing the long con. I’ll keep my eye on you.”

You hum. “You always do.”

And that—that gets him. A flicker in his gaze, like you’ve reached into his chest and plucked a string that hasn’t been played in years.

You walk beside him, shoulder to shoulder, down the corridor toward the basement (Because of course he offered to drive you both there. Just normal courtship things.)

You glance over at him while he’s not looking, which is stupid, because he catches you doing it, and you both spend the next fifteen seconds pretending to be very, very interested in a wall.

And then, because your chest is still fluttery and your thoughts are ricocheting off each other like marbles in a tin can, you say, “This is kind of a date, huh?”

Bucky doesn’t flinch. Doesn’t smirk. Just gives you this slow, assessing look like he’s not sure you meant to say that out loud but he’s not going to let you take it back.

“Is that okay?” he asks, and God—his voice. It’s too soft for someone who once jumped off a plane with a metal arm and a death wish.

“Yeah,” you say, and then a little quieter: “I kind of hoped it was.”

He exhales, and it feels like he’s letting go of something he’s been holding for a long, long time.

By the time you arrive, the sky’s a bruised lavender and the city’s beginning to blur into itself—just warm lights and strangers and the thrill of getting to be someone normal, even just for a night. 

You don’t touch in the theater, not really, but your pinkies brush once on the armrest and neither of you move away.

He keeps glancing over during the trailers. You pretend not to notice. You are failing at pretending not to notice.

About halfway through the movie—some retro explosion-fest with muscle cars and quippy dialogue—Bucky leans over and murmurs, “You ever think about what it’d be like? If things were different?”

You don’t look at him. You keep your eyes on the screen. “All the time.”

He nods. Doesn’t speak again until the credits roll.

.

The ride after the movie is quiet in the way that matters—no tension, no fidgeting, no pressure to fill the silence. Just the engine hum of Bucky’s ancient, well-kept vintage Chevy Caprice Classic purring down the long stretch of road skirting the edge of the river, the windows cracked enough to let the warm summer night in.

You’ve kicked off your shoes. Your bare feet are propped on the dashboard, toes catching the wind as it blows through the window. He doesn’t complain, doesn’t tease, just occasionally glances over, like the sight of you there—tired, content, glowing under the streetlights—is a detail he wants to memorize.

There’s something playing low on the radio. 

The kind of music that doesn't ask to be noticed. The kind you feel in your chest before you recognize it. Some folk-rock track he said reminded him of childhood. It’s mostly soft guitar and a voice that strains a little, rough around the edges. 

Like Bucky himself, in a way.

You’re half turned in your seat, knees tucked toward him now, body loose and drowsy from the movie and the soda and the way he drove out of the city like he wanted to keep the night going just a little longer. Just the two of you, headlights carving out a path in the dark.

“Didn’t think you’d actually be free,” you say eventually, voice low and soft against the static buzz of the speakers.

The city lights slip past the windows in blurs of orange and white. Bucky keeps his eyes on the road, fingers loose on the wheel, but you see it—the twitch at the corner of his mouth, the flicker of amusement he tries to smother and fails.

“Why wouldn’t I?” he asks, like it’s the simplest thing in the world.

You shrug, adjusting the seatbelt that’s pressing into your collarbone. “Yelena’s been watching me like I’m some kind of long-con puzzle box. She's been grilling me because she suspects something.”

Bucky glances over. “She always suspects something.”

“Yeah, but this is different. She keeps giving me these looks. The kind where her eyebrows do that thing—you know the thing. The judgment arch.”

“I know the thing,” He laughs under his breath, almost fond. “She interrogated me once. Full eye contact. No blinking. Had a protein bar in one hand and a knife in the other. I told her we were just friends. She said I looked guilty and walked off muttering in Russian.”

“She’s not wrong,” you murmur. “You do look guilty.”

Bucky glances at you then, briefly, and there’s something tender in it. Something quiet and unspoken that makes your breath catch.

“You ever gonna tell her?” he asks.

You shrug again, watching the way his hand rests lazily on the wheel. “I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like if I tell her, it makes it real. Like we have to explain it to the world or something. What this is.”

Bucky is quiet for a few seconds. Then, “Do you not want it to be real?”

You blink, caught off guard. “I do. I—God, Bucky, I do.”

And it comes out sharper than you mean it to. Raw. Open.

You breathe in, steadying yourself. “I just… didn’t expect it. Us.”

He nods slowly, the lights from passing lampposts dragging across his face in quiet intervals. “Me neither.”

The conversation dips again. Not into silence, but into stillness. The kind that doesn’t ask anything from either of you. You drive past a bridge lit up gold and pale blue, and Bucky takes a left without saying anything, veering off onto a side road that winds through the trees.

He doesn’t ask if it’s okay. You don’t need him to.

You know where he’s going. There’s a little overlook near the riverbank. He parked there once after a mission when you couldn’t sleep. You didn’t talk much that night—just sat on the hood of his car with his jacket slung over your shoulders, watching the ripples in the dark water and letting the space between you breathe.

That was probably when it started for you.

Not the affection. That came later. But the noticing.

You noticed the way he always offered you the front seat. Not because of some outdated gender rule, but because he liked knowing you were close, where he could see you.

You noticed how he remembered the smallest details—that you don’t like popcorn with butter, that certain elevator music makes you anxious, that you hate being touched when you’re overwhelmed but that sometimes, when things are quiet, you lean into him like you need the weight of another person just to feel solid again.

And Bucky—he noticed you back.

He noticed the way you never let anyone else carry your gear, even if you were limping. The way you took your tea, always too sweet. The way you looked at him when you thought he wasn’t looking—like you were trying to memorize him just in case.

It wasn’t some grand, cinematic romance. No slow-motion montage or chance meeting. It was familiarity that grew roots. Soft moments. Shared silence. His hand brushing your shoulder in the hallway. You handing him a granola bar mid-mission without speaking. Late nights watching reruns of old sitcoms and never talking about the fact that you’d started falling asleep on his chest.

So no, you didn’t see it coming.

But it’s here now.

And it’s real.

The car slows to a stop, gravel crunching under the tires. You’re at the overlook. Trees arch overhead like a cathedral, and the river reflects the starlight in soft ribbons of silver and blue. Bucky puts the car in park and lets the engine idle for a second, then turns it off.

Neither of you moves to get out.

You glance over at him, watching his profile in the dark. The slope of his nose, the line of his mouth. The steady breath.

“I’m scared I’ll ruin it,” you say, almost too quietly.

Bucky looks at you. Really looks at you.

“You won’t.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you haven’t yet,” he says simply. “And trust me… I’ve been waiting for someone to ruin me for a long time. If it was gonna be you, it would’ve happened by now.”

You laugh a little. Just a breath. “That’s comforting, in a weird way.”

“I can be weirdly comforting.”

“You’re also kind of weirdly beautiful in this lighting,” you murmur.

He huffs a breath. “Don’t start with me.”

“I’m serious.”

You reach out without thinking, fingertips brushing over his hand, the one still resting on the gearshift. His skin is warm. He turns his hand under yours, lets your fingers tangle.

“I don’t need a label,” you say softly. “I don’t need anything else. Just this. Just you. The way you look at me sometimes like I’m not broken.”

“You’re not.”

“Even if I am,” you whisper, “I think I’d still want to be yours.”

His thumb drags across your knuckle.

And then, so quiet it feels like a prayer, “I’m yours.”

It hits like a wave, and you lean forward before you even fully realize it. Bucky meets you halfway, his hand rising to your cheek like it’s instinct. The kiss is slow, deliberate, full of worship. He tastes like peppermint and something older, something steadier—like all the pieces of him that have survived everything.

When you pull back, he’s still holding your face.

You look at each other for a long time.

And then he exhales. “You’re dangerous.”

You smile, dizzy with it. “So are you.”

“No,” he says. “Not like this.”

You shake your head, leaning in again, resting your forehead against his.

“Let’s ruin each other super carefully, then,” you whisper.

And in the soft dark, beneath the quiet hush of river water and trees swaying in the breeze, Bucky smiles. Really smiles.

.

It’s a little after midnight when you finally pull into the Watchtower’s underground garage, the low hum of the engine tapering off into silence as Bucky turns the key and the lights shut down with a mechanical click. You’re both bathed in the amber glow of one overhead bulb, flickering slightly, like even the building itself knows something’s shifted.

Neither of you moves to get out.

You glance over at him. 

He’s staring straight ahead, hand still resting on the steering wheel, jaw set like he’s trying very hard not to think about the way you kissed him forty minutes ago. The way you looked at him like you could see through all the years, all the damage, all the armor.

You shift in your seat, just slightly. The air inside the car feels too thick now. Like it’s trying to hold something in.

“I don’t really wanna go upstairs yet,” you say quietly.

He turns to you slowly, like he’s afraid that if he moves too fast, it’ll startle the moment away.

“No?” His voice is soft.

You shake your head. “Feels like… if I go up there, it'll just go back to being complicated.”

The corners of his mouth tug faintly. “It was already complicated.”

“Yeah,” you say. “But it was ours. Down here, in this car, it’s just… you and me.”

That gets him. He exhales—sharp, quiet—and leans back in the seat, tilting his head against the headrest. “I know this shouldn’t be happening.”

“You always say that,” you murmur, eyes tracking the shape of his throat, the slight movement as he swallows. “But you’re still here.”

He doesn’t argue.

You reach for him before you fully make the decision to, your hand slipping over his where it rests on his thigh. He doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t pull away. Just turns his palm up, lets your fingers fit between his like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

And it is. It feels terrifyingly natural.

“Do you ever wish it was simpler?" you ask.

“All the time,” he murmurs. “But then you say things like… ‘I still want to be yours,’ and suddenly I don’t care if it’s complicated. I just don’t want to stop hearing you say shit like that.”

You look up at him. “You like when I get sappy.”

“Yeah,” he says. “I like when you stop pretending you don’t feel this just as much as I do.”

You try to speak, but it catches—whatever it is you were about to say, it burns too hot and too true in your throat.

Instead, you murmur, “Can I be close to you?”

His expression softens, eyes going molten at the edges. “Thought you’d never ask.”

He shifts then, turns in his seat so he’s facing you fully, one arm draped across the back of yours. There’s a beat of silence. Just you and him and the soft buzz of the garage light.

“Come here,” he says, low and rough, and you do—you climb into his lap with the ease of someone who’s done it in a hundred dreams and only just now been given permission. His arms go around your waist like muscle memory. Your knees bracket his hips and the center of you settles onto him like a promise, and suddenly you’re aware of every inch of where your bodies meet.

You settle into his lap slowly, deliberately, like drawing out the moment might make it last longer—like you can stretch this pocket of time between responsibility and reality into something suspended. His hands find their place on your waist without hesitation, fingers splayed wide and warm through the fabric of your shirt. You feel him everywhere. Beneath you. Around you. Like gravity, and heat, and home.

He tilts his head, eyes scanning your face like he’s committing it to memory. “God, you always make it so hard to walk away.”

“Were you planning to?” you ask, raising an eyebrow.

His mouth twitches. “I thought about it. Once.”

“And?”

“And then you made that face at breakfast,” he says, mock-serious. “The one where you’re pretending to like the instant eggs Alexei made even though they taste like damp cardboard.”

You snort. “Those eggs were an act of war.”

“And you smiled at Yelena when she called Walker a fascist with a Fitbit.”

“That was funny!”

“You smiled at me right after.”

“Oh no,” you gasp, feigning scandal. “Not a smile. How dare I.”

He hums. “Yeah. That was it. I was doomed.”

You laugh softly, resting your forehead against his. “So… the smile got you. Not the fact that I once patched you up in a broom closet after you got impaled and you asked if I wanted to grab tea like we weren’t both bleeding.”

“That was charming,” he says. “I like a woman who can multitask.”

You giggle into his throat, his pulse fluttering beneath your lips.

You don’t kiss. At least, not for a minute. You just sit there, breathing the same air, his forehead pressed lightly to yours, his hands splayed wide across your back like he’s holding onto something fragile.

It’s only when his thumb brushes the curve of your spine, slow and reverent, that you lean in. The kiss is soft—tentative, almost chaste. 

But then your fingers thread into the hair at the nape of his neck, and pulls, and he groans, deep in his throat, and just like that the kiss turns urgent, unsteady.

His hands slide under your shirt, not rushed, not desperate—just warm and sure, like he’s learning the shape of you by heart. And you let him, because something about the way he touches you feels safe, even here in the shadows..

When he pulls back, his breathing’s ragged, his pupils blown. He looks at you like you’re the center of something vast and unknowable.

“You—fuck. You mean everything to me.”

You press your mouth to his jaw, his throat, the corner of his mouth. “You wanna show me?"

His hand cups your face. 

And your answer isn’t a word. It’s the way you lean into him. The way you kiss him, tongue tracing the seam of his mouth and then catching his bottom lip between your teeth, pulling and drawing a strangled groan from him. It's messy, it's wet, and oh—you can feel him harden up like a diamond underneath you.

He exhales, "Fuck, fuck, sweetheart." 

You can feel him shift, desperately trying to get any sort of friction through his jeans, pressing against your core in the process while your mouth falls open in a silent whine. His hand that was under your shirt moves downward, cupping your ass and bringing you even closer. 

"You're always so impatient," you whisper, your hands coming around to the nape of his neck and pulling softly at his hair, the way you've been dreaming of doing since he picked you up at the Watchtower lobby. 

Bucky—well, he just can't have that. Smack! He slaps your ass once, softly, as a warning. "And you're a brat. You know exactly what you're doing."

You moan, low and tortured. "I do. What are you gonna do about it?"

Smack! Another one that sends you deeper into his arms, grinding against that hard tent in his pants, rolling your hips as you do so, because you're nothing if not evil. 

"Not so tough, are you?"

You roll your eyes, pushing forward to kiss him again before he can say any more one-liners, savoring the way he tastes, still faintly like popcorn butter and mint and something intoxicating. An idea pops into your head.

Fingers on his jaw, looking over him while he stares at you, wide-eyed, mesmerized, hair a mess, cheeks just slightly flushed, those blue stormcloud eyes blown wide. You smile, lopsided and mischievous. "Open up, darling."

His mouth parts, and you—you let yourself drool, watching the shiny, gossamer strand fall onto his eager tongue.

"Oh god," Bucky's on fucking fire, grinning up at you all smug and satisfied and like he just can't get enough. "You taste good, baby."

You hum. 

While he's busy, busy mapping more kisses along your collarbone, you take the opportunity to go down, down, down, unzipping him as quietly and quickly as you can before sneaking a hand into his boxers. You grip him, tight, relishing in the way he shudders.

"What are you doing—oh," His head falls back, and your eyes can't help but track the movement to his Adam's apple, watching him swallow and press his eyes closed. 

Your hand is tiny, impossibly small compared to his, but your pace more than compensates, twisting fast and hard while thumbing at the tip. You can feel it, you can feel him, leaking and sobbing and twitching in your hands.

"Slow down, baby, I'm—" He pushes himself up, like he's trying to freeze the moment, his forehead coming to press against yours, but goddammit, you're a woman on a mission. "Fuck, get this—" he pulls at your shirt. "Get this off. Need to make my best girl feel good too."

"Just rip it off, Bucky, I'm kinda busy," Too focused at the task at hand, your hand not breaking its rhythm. "Just give me your sweatshirt after."

Bucky swears. One swift movement though, and it's off, reduced to tatters and thrown to the backseat.

His mouth is on your chest, a graze of his teeth, his breath hot and heavy and your own breath hitches. Still, you stay focused. Trying to push down the heat that's curling in your core while he gets more and more desperate, sucking on an exposed nipple.

"Bucky, my god—"

You squeeze your hand around him tighter on impulse, your thumb grazing his tip just right, and just like that, he comes onto your hand. Gushing white ropes against your skin, while he groans and growls, your name falling off his lips like a prayer.

Bucky—Bucky looks like a mess, chest heaving up and down, looking up at you like you just hung the fucking moon on the sky.

"Damn. That was—that was… wow."

You smile. "Always got the right words, this one."

He shakes his head. "Give me a minute here, I'll start waxing poetic."

His brows furrow then, the clouds over his head passing as soon as it came, then his are hands pawing at the rest of your clothes like the mere existence of them pisses him off. He pulls your pants off with your help, you giggling while he frowns, holding you up and then grabbing them clean off to be discarded in the backseat again. "Nowhere near done yet. Got no idea what's comin' to you."

A cool, metal hand hitches one of your legs closer around his waist and you sigh, breathless, straddling him perfectly. You can feel his cock under you, the way Bucky swipes the head against your cunt, already straining and hard again.

"You're so wet," Bucky remarks, like in a daze. "You been wanting this bad, huh?"

You inhale sharply, still fixated on the way he's so close, his cock rubbing against your clit now. You can't even speak—just nodding along with his words, anything to get him to move. 

He laughs, low and tender and his eyes darken just a little bit more. "You got a condom, sweet girl?"

You motion to the passenger seat, where your purse laid like an afterthought. Without breaking eye contact with you, he uses a free hand to rummage through it for a second, until his lip crooks. When he finds it, his eyes shine, ripping the foil packaging with his teeth before raising an eyebrow at you.

"Can you put it on for me?"

God, yes. Of fucking course. You nod, grabbing the condom with shaking fingers until you roll it down onto him, giving it a little squeeze as you do so.

Bucky hums, an innocent and soft noice, before he slots you back where you were. "Whenever you're ready for me, sweetheart."

You take a deep breath. For courage. For strength. For the love of the fucking game.

When you finally, finally sink down on his hard length, it's like every birthday, holiday, and vacation rolled into one. It's always a tight fit, no matter how wet you are, no matter how much you think you've prepared, and it sends a rush down your spine, mouth falling open in a strangled whine. You can hear him panting, muttering, "Tight—so tight for me, always."

Your eyes flutter, until you feel your pelvis hit resistance and you're seated all the way. Deep breath out.

A moment passes, and then you start rolling your hips experimentally, just to adjust to him. Just to get used to the feeling. You groan when he twitches, grip going tighter around your waist. 

"Too slow, baby, I need—need you just a little bit faster," He croons softly, begging gently even while his words are laced with something a little less innocent. "Can I help you? Can I bounce you on my cock?"

You love hi–you love it. This. You love when he gets filthy with his words, the way his accent slips out a little bit as he gets more feral, more unhinged, a swipe of his tongue against his lips like he's waiting eagerly for instructions but just can't help himself.

So instead of… unpacking all of that you nod with all the enthusiasm you can muster while slowly losing your mind. 

"Yeah? Good girl."

With that, he places both hands on your ass and you take a sharp inhale. Before he moves, before he starts picking you up and fucking you vigorously. 

It's rough—every fiber of your being is singing, like you're on fucking fire and Bucky's underneath you putting in the absolute work while you come apart. Your hand slams against the window, smearing the fog that's collected there.

The car's shaking violently at this point, rocking back and forth with the sheer force of his thrusts. You love when he gets like this, all his to do what he pleases with, pushing you closer and closer to the edge of what your body can handle.

He smacks your ass softly, shifting your attention solely back to him. "Eyes on me."

God. It takes everything in you to lift your head, but when you do, it's worth it. His eyes are dilated, fixed on your figure, like he's savoring this—you, on top of him, taking him for all his worth, taking exactly what he's giving you. Takes a look down to fully appreciate the view—your tits bouncing, the imprint of his hands on your waist.

That's all either of you need before his pace gets erratic, more uncontrolled, and it fucking reduces you to near tears, holding onto him for dear life as your orgasm rips into you. Nothing but the sound of his name, "B–Bucky, please, please—"

"I know, sweetheart, I know. I'm—I'm there." 

He hisses and then it's another thrust, and another, and you can feel him shake, pumping the condom full until his grip relaxes, until the way he rocks inside of you slows and passes. The car grinds to a halt.

And then it's just you and him, chests panting, breathing softly.

.

The car is quiet for a while after that.

Both of you shift at some point—but you’re still in the passenger seat, curled in toward Bucky like he’s home, your legs draped over his lap and his fingers idly tracing up and down your thigh beneath the hem of your sweatshirt. His hoodie, actually. You’d tugged it over your head after he discarded of the condom, and now it’s swallowing you whole, soft with wear and warm with him.

The windows are fogged. The car smells faintly of sweat, your perfume, and the clean scent of Bucky’s skin, like cedar and clean linens. The dome light above flickers again, dramatic and unnecessary, like even the architecture of the Watchtower is trying to say, well, well, well.

You tilt your head, nose brushing the line of his jaw. “You okay?”

His eyes are half-lidded, heavy with the kind of quiet you only earn after baring your soul and maybe a little too much skin. He hums low in his throat, one hand still stroking your leg like he’s not ready to let go just yet. “Yeah. Think I’m better than okay.”

You grin, lips curving against his neck. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he says, then pauses. “Except for the part where I might’ve pulled something in my shoulder trying to fit six feet of me into this damn seat like I’m not built like a military-grade bookshelf.”

You laugh into his chest. “You’re not even that tall.”

“I am, actually.”

“You’re emotionally tall.”

“That feels like slander.”

There’s a pause, the kind that feels like a comma, not a period. Just breathing and the slight shift of his hand under your shirt, splayed warm and protective over your stomach like he’s grounding himself there.

And then, gently: “You sure we didn’t just make everything more complicated?”

You consider this, eyes tracing the condensation on the windshield. “Probably.”

“Wanna do it again anyway?”

You grin, teeth catching your bottom lip. “Absolutely.”

He exhales, amused, and presses a kiss to your temple. “You’re a menace.”

“That’s rich, coming from the guy who—”

But you don’t get to finish, because—

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Your soul leaves your body.

It’s not the polite kind of tap, either. It’s the I-know-what-you-did-and-I-am-disgusted kind of tap. The tap of someone who has seen things and is about to make it your problem.

You and Bucky both snap toward the driver-side window at the same time.

And there, crouched on top of a different car, nose practically pressed to the glass, is Yelena.

Yelena Belova, in full tactical pajamas, holding a cup of what looks like leftover borscht in a Sentry mug.

Her mouth is a flat line of judgment. Her eyes, wild with betrayal. She says nothing for a beat, just watches you two like she’s making a mental slideshow for court.

And then:

“Disgusting.”

You slap a hand over your mouth. Bucky audibly chokes.

“I knew it,” she hisses, tapping the glass again. “I said—you remember—I said you were acting weird! And what did you do? You gaslit me. You gaslit me, in my own Watchtower!”

“Yelena—”

“No! Do not Yelena me! I am the only one with brain cell in this team. I knew when you started wearing that ugly tinted lip balm.”

“Hey,” you protest weakly. “It’s sheer berry. It’s flattering.”

“It’s horny,” she snaps. “You wore it to breakfast, with a side of guilt! I could smell the shame!”

Bucky is actively trying to sink into the seat, possibly considering tactical ejection. “Uh—maybe we should talk upstairs—”

“Oh, now you want to go upstairs?” Yelena’s voice jumps an octave. “Now that you’ve defiled my sacred parking garage with your filthy, filthy sex aura?”

You blink. “Okay, first of all—”

“And you.” Her glare whips back to you. “You’re not slick! You thought you could sneak him in and out like contraband vodka. I live here. I hear things. You think I don’t know the sound of a stealth boot hitting laminate? I am the stealth boot!”

“Yelena,” Bucky tries again, gently. “We didn’t mean—”

“Oh, don’t do the voice,” she says, disgusted. “The ‘I’m reformed, I like jazz and feelings now’ voice. You don’t get to ‘soft boy’ your way out of this. I have surveillance footage.”

Your mouth falls open. “You what?”

“I set up a camera in the garage last month because someone kept stealing my protein bars. Guess what I caught instead?” She slurps her soup menacingly. “Unprotected eye contact. Several longing glances. A whispered forehead touch. I saw it all. You’re done.”

“Yelena, come on—”

“No. I have to live with the knowledge that I share a roof with an emotionally constipated ex-assassin who makes out in vehicles like a teenage camp counselor. And you,” she adds, pointing her spoon at you, “owe me one rotisserie chicken. For emotional damages.”

You don’t even try to argue.

Yelena slides down from the other car with the grace of someone who has definitely kicked people through windows, and stomps toward the elevator, yelling over her shoulder: “Don’t think this is over! I’m making a PowerPoint!”

The elevator doors close behind her with a ding.

Silence settles over the car like dust.

You and Bucky stare at each other.

“Think she’ll actually make a PowerPoint?” you murmur.

He shrugs. “I think she’s probably already made three.”

You let your head fall against his shoulder, laughing into the curve of his neck, and feel his chest shake beneath you as he starts to laugh too—quiet and real and unguarded.

And despite the threat of presentations and future interrogations, despite the very real possibility that Yelena will drag you both in front of a mock tribunal in front of the others before the week is over—

This?

This still feels worth it.

[sometimes-i-write-good]

Nothing like holding my love

[sometimes-i-write-good]

reckless fever, lover girl!

pairing: bucky barnes x avenger!reader summary: you think it’s nothing—just a one-off, a fluke—when bucky softens at the sight of a baby in your arms during a cookout. but then it keeps happening. babies at airports. babies on recon. babies in vending machine ads. and every time, he looks at you like you’re the answer to a question he hasn’t asked out loud yet. he starts carrying gum “in case someone’s kid gets fussy on a flight,” stares too long at tiny boots in store windows, and once, unironically, asks if your hypothetical child would like goats. you’re not dating. officially. no one knows. but you’ve been sharing a bed for months and he makes you tea without asking and you’re starting to have dreams about pacifiers. he’s subtle about it. until he’s not. until he’s standing at a target, holding a baby hat like it cracked his ribs open, and says he wants a family—with you. not someday. now. word count: 10.7k content warnings: 18+ mdni, fem!reader, piv, oral (f! receiving), soft dom bucky, light bdsm undertones, bucky barnes being whipped (he gets the baby fever first let's bffr), kind of feral bucky, you think you guys are in a situationship when he's fully looking at baby registries, nipple play, yearning, angst, dirty talk, praise, overstimulation, self-induced angst, multiple orgasms, talks of pregnancy and starting a family, marathon sex, riding, fingering, body worship, size kink, bucky picks the reader up, he talks you through it, breeding kink, unprotected sex, creampie notes: this is the most unhinged, feral thing i've ever written. i hope you enjoy!

The baby gets handed to you like a bread basket.

No warning, no instruction manual. Just, “Here, can you hold her for a sec?” from someone—one of the off-duty OXE staff maybe, or someone’s civilian cousin. You don’t catch a name, just a flurry of motion, and then—

She’s in your arms.

Somehow, between the last debrief and the next recon drop, a grill appeared in the Watchtower's rooftop patio, along with several folding chairs, a cooler full of Avengers-branded soda, and one slightly charred volleyball. You suspect Val had something to do with it. Some psychological team-building exercise disguised as a cookout. 

Either way, you’re here.

She’s maybe seven months old, squishy-cheeked and furrow-browed, in a tiny Sentry onesie. Her hair is an indecisive wisp of something light brown, fine and floaty like thistle down, and her eyes—heavy-lidded, contemplative—regard you as though you’re a particularly uninspiring segment of the Discovery Channel.

“She’s—uh,” you say, because your brain’s buffering. “Hi?”

“Hey,” you say again, dumbly.

Next to you, Bucky lowers his beer so slowly it’s like watching a magic trick. He blinks once, then again, like he’s not sure you’re real or the baby is. Possibly both.

“What—why—did you steal a baby?” he asks.

“She was just handed to me.”

You shift, trying to get comfortable. She’s a solid little thing, warm like a fresh loaf of bread, and her hand is currently fisting your collar with alarming purpose. Your shirt stretches under the assault.

Bucky’s still staring. You can feel it—like a sunlamp trained directly at your temple. His mouth is parted slightly. One finger taps against the side of his bottle, rhythmically, unconsciously.

“She’s fine,” you say. “I’m holding her fine, right?”

“Yeah. No, yeah. You look—good.”

You glance at him. His eyes snap up to yours, then away again, like they touched something they weren’t supposed to. The tips of his ears are pink.

You almost say something—tease him, maybe—but the baby chooses that moment to yawn, a full-body, jaw-cracking affair. She snuggles closer into your chest, small cheek pressing into the fabric of your shirt, and suddenly it’s less funny.

Bucky tilts his head, unreadable. “She trusts you already.”

“She’s a baby,” you say, trying to shrug it off. “She trusts anyone with a pulse.”

“No. She knows,” he says, like it’s a settled fact. His gaze lingers on the place where her fingers clutch your shirt, and then—slowly—drifts back to your face.

You feel that look all the way down your spine.

The barbecue hums around you—low, uneven, weirdly domestic for a group like this. Someone’s burned the corn on the grill again (probably Walker, judging by the smoke and the defensive muttering). Yelena’s holding court by the picnic table, sunglasses perched on her head, force-feeding Bob the world’s most questionable potato salad and narrating it like a cooking show. Alexei’s seated in a folding chair two sizes too small, already shirtless and red-faced, beer in hand, yelling something about meat science. Ava is off to the side, calmly reading the nutrition label on a bag of marshmallows like it might be a coded message.

But you and Bucky are caught in this little bubble. A stillness between the beats. The baby, breathing softly. Bucky, watching you like the moment means something more than he’s prepared to admit.

She shifts in your arms. Grunts. You adjust your hold, and Bucky makes a small, strangled noise.

“She good?” you ask.

“She’s—she’s got a strong neck,” he says, as though that’s a compliment. Then, after a second. “You’re really good with her.”

“You’ve seen me hold her for thirty seconds.”

“Still.”

You hold his gaze a beat longer than you should. It’s soft, something unguarded in it. You remember, vaguely, hearing Steve say once that Bucky used to watch people the way most men look at stars. Like there was something miraculous in the simple fact of their existence.

You think maybe you’re beginning to understand what he meant.

“She wants you,” you say, mostly to break the tension. The baby is reaching now, hands grasping toward the collar of Bucky’s henley like she’s on a tiny mission.

He stiffens. “She what?”

“She’s targeting you. Consider it payback for all that glaring you did at the diaper bag earlier.”

“I wasn’t glaring,” he says. “I was…assessing.”

You arch an eyebrow. “Well, she’s assessing you back. Here. Take her.”

You don’t give him a choice. You carefully shift the baby into his arms, and despite all his protesting, he takes her like he’s afraid she’ll break—gently, like someone handed him a fragile truth.

For a moment, he just stands there—awkward, tense, unsure. His left arm, the vibranium one, catches the light in hard, gleaming lines.  But then she sighs, her head lolls toward his shoulder, and his body reacts before his mind does—he cradles her closer, shifts to support her neck, leans in slightly like he’s listening to her breathe.

A hush settles around you.

“She’s warm,” he murmurs.

“That’s a good sign. You’d know if she was cold. Babies are very vocal about injustice.”

His eyes don’t leave the baby’s face. Those eyes—stormcloud blue, too old for his face, always a little wary—are softened now. They flick across her tiny features like he’s reading scripture. Absorbed. He sways just slightly, unconsciously, like some long-dormant instinct is waking up in his bones. “She’s got little eyelashes,” he says, like it’s the strangest thing he’s ever seen.

“She’ll grow into them,” you say softly. “It happens.”

He’s silent a long time. The baby squeaks in her sleep and tugs at the collar of his shirt.

“She’s… safe,” he says, the word delicate on his tongue. “You can feel it, can’t you? Like the whole world isn’t so bad. Just—quiet, for once.”

Your chest aches.

He glances at you then, and for a split second, he looks completely vulnerable. Like there’s something perched just behind his teeth that he doesn’t know how to say.

You step closer. Not enough to touch. Just enough for proximity to pass as intimacy.

“Bucky.”

He doesn’t look away from you.

“I think you’d be good at it,” you say quietly. “The whole dad thing.”

You watch the thought settle on him—slow and heavy, like snowfall. He blinks, once. Breathes in, shallow. His jaw shifts, like he might say something and doesn’t. And then—

“I’d want you there,” he says.

It’s not casual. Not joking. Just... real. A plain sentence, stripped of armor.

You freeze. The baby exhales against your collarbone like she’s aware of the moment and giving it space. Bucky, for his part, looks like he’s just handed you something delicate and possibly flammable.

“Oh,” you say, brilliant as ever.

And he nods. That’s it. A small thing. But he looks weirdly shell-shocked by the admission, like he’d surprised himself saying it aloud. Like he hadn’t even meant to. His smile comes after, slow and stunned and slightly lopsided—almost sheepish, as if he's staring straight at the sun and can’t quite believe it’s warm.

Then her parent’s voice breaks through, all cheerful gratitude. “Hey—thanks! I just needed a sec.”

You watch Bucky blink back into the moment, his hands reluctant as they ease from the baby’s back. He doesn’t quite give her up at first. His fingers linger on the edge of her onesie like they’re memorizing the feel of it. When he does let go, it’s too slow to be casual.

Just like that, the baby’s gone. The space she took up in your arms feels heavier now that it’s empty.

You glance sideways. So does he. But you don’t quite meet in the middle.

Instead, you reach for a napkin and hand it over wordlessly. He accepts it like it’s a diplomatic gesture, dabbing at the drool spot on his shoulder with a sort of distraction.

“She liked you,” you offer, voice quieter than you meant it to be.

His lips quirk. A ghost of a grin. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

There’s a silence after that—longer than it needs to be. Not uncomfortable, just... spacious. Like it’s waiting for someone to step into it. Neither of you do.

Then Bucky clears his throat. “Wanna go in on a pack of bibs?”

You blink. “What?”

He shrugs, suddenly preoccupied with smoothing the napkin along his leg. “Just—you know. For next time.”

You almost laugh. You want to. But something in your chest goes soft instead.

“Yeah,” you say. “Sure. Next time.”

.

Everyone else calls you “the new Avengers.” Valentina prefers to call you just "the Avengers," like saying it with enough fake reverence will make people forget it started as a Hail Mary branding ploy and ended with supernatural darkness swallowing half of New York.

You still call it the Thunderbolts in your head. Not out of loyalty. Just because it fits better.

Technically, you weren’t supposed to be on the roster. Neither was Bucky. He was busy playing congressman—pressed suits, policy meetings, public appearances where he looked like he’d rather be fighting a bear. He wasn’t exactly thrilled about the job, but it was penance, or progress, or both, depending on who you asked. You’d been benched too, in a less official capacity. Tactical reassignment, they said, which is just HR speak for “we don’t know what to do with you yet.”

But then Bob Reynolds cracked in half like a cosmic wishbone. And everything went sideways.

They needed people who could navigate pocket dimensions without losing their minds. People who wouldn’t balk at the Void whispering their worst memories back to them in surround sound. People who could get in and out of a childhood bedroom that wasn't theirs, and still say the right thing.

You and Bucky, for better or worse, fit the bill.

Yelena vouched for you. You’d worked a few ops together—low-profile, high-risk, the kind of assignments that didn’t end up in press releases. Bucky came with his own résumé, mostly consisting of grim nods and trauma credentials.

So now you’re here. In a Watchtower with folding chairs and lunchboxes with your face on them. With a new badge and a code name you didn’t pick. With Bob, whose grip on sanity is improving in inches. With Ava, who can barely look at light too long without phasing through it. With Alexei, who’s taken to shirtless speeches and the New Avengers merch like a religion. With Walker, who somehow thinks this is a promotion.

And Bucky.

You don’t talk about what you are.

There’s no label. No neat little term to slot yourselves under, no status update or whispered confession over pillowcases. No one’s dared to say the word “relationship,” and yet you’ve brushed your teeth side by side, curled instinctively toward each other in sleep, passed cups of coffee back and forth like currency. You’ve learned each other’s silences. Memorized the geography of old scars. He knows how you like your eggs. You know when his silence means don’t ask and when it means please.

It’s not nothing. It never was.

You’re just not telling the others. Not because you’re ashamed—god, no—but because it’s yours. And because once the world knows something, it stops being sacred. It becomes strategy. Becomes leverage. People like Valentina will smile too wide and call it a liability. Alexei will make a crass joke. Walker will ask for details.

It’s easier this way. Quieter. Unnamed, it can’t be ruined.

And besides—you don’t even know what to call it. What to call him, when it’s three a.m. and he’s tucked behind you in bed, breath warm against your neck, arm slung around your waist like he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. 

Bucky’s not a man who rushes things. He moves slow, careful, like he’s learned the cost of wanting too much. And you—you’ve never let someone all the way in without already picturing the exit wound.

But moments like earlier—when he held that baby like she was breakable and looked at you like you were the answer to a question he hadn’t meant to ask—they’re getting harder to ignore.

You don’t think about it. Not actively.

You just… catalog. Silently. Carefully. Like a squirrel with emotional acorns.

.

It’s past midnight when you find him again in the kitchen.

You knew he’d be here. You always do.

There’s leftover risotto on the stove and a mostly full bottle of red wine on the counter. He’s sitting at the tiny table like it’s a church pew—hunched a little, fork in hand, bare feet braced on the cold tile floor. His hoodie is soft with age, sleeves shoved up to his elbows, and the vibranium arm glints under the light. His hair’s still damp from the shower.

He looks up when you pad in—doesn’t startle, doesn’t flinch. Just finds you with those soft, sleep-starved eyes like he’s been waiting for you. “You’re up.”

“So are you,” you say, sliding into the chair across from him. “Could smell garlic from my room.”

“I put more cheese in it this time,” he says, with the quiet pride of a man who’s learned domesticity through stubborn practice and YouTube videos.

You reach for the wine, pouring yourself half a glass. The silence between you is familiar. Easy. It’s the kind that grows roots.

“Bad dream?” you ask.

“Yeah,” he says.

You nod. You don’t ask about it.

Instead, “You always this good at risotto?”

“First one was basically wallpaper paste,” he admits. “Sam said it was fine. His sister actually cried.”

You snort, half-choked on your sip. “Cried?”

“She got emotional. Said she saw God in a grain of arborio.”

You’re still grinning when he pushes the pot toward you with a silent offer. You help yourself, spooning some into a mismatched bowl. It’s warm. Comforting. Rich with butter and—yeah, definitely more cheese.

This—this is your favorite version of him. Not the soldier. Not the team lead or the briefing-room strategist. Just Bucky. Tired and soft-eyed in the kitchen, humming low when he stirs a pot. Still, in a way that feels rare and deliberate.

You think about the baby again from earlier. About the way he looked at her. How his whole body went still, but his eyes went soft, like he’s seeing something he misses but can’t remember.

You stir your wine with a finger. Casual. Not casual at all.

“I’ve been thinking,” you start, mostly just to fill the space. “Weird day, huh?”

His brow ticks up, a silent question.

“That baby,” you say. “She just… latched on. Like I was made of Velcro.”

There’s a beat.

“She liked you,” he says. Quietly. Not teasing. Just honest.

You huff a small laugh, not quite hearing the undertone. “She drooled on me. That’s practically a proposal.”

But he doesn’t smile.

He’s looking at you the same way he looked at the baby—still, like something cracked open and never quite resealed. You miss it entirely. Instead, you sip your wine and stretch your legs beneath the table, toes brushing his. “But, I mean, you held her like a pro. Natural instincts, huh?”

His gaze lingers on you for a moment more before dropping to his bowl. He stirs it slowly, the motion absent.

“I used to think I’d have a bunch.”

That surprises you, but he keeps going.

He smiles a little, faint and crooked. “Back when I was just some punk from Brooklyn. Thought I’d get married. Have a couple kids. A porch swing. You know. The American Dream.”

“What changed?” you ask, voice gentler than you meant.

He shrugs. “Everything. Time. Who I became.”

You nod slowly. Try not to let your chest cave in.

“Rebecca used to say I’d be a good dad,” he adds. “She said I was good with her dolls.”

“Your sister?”

He nods. There’s a glow in his eyes now—faint, faraway. “She was eight years younger. I helped raise her, after my ma got sick. Used to walk her to school, do her hair. She liked braids. I wasn’t good at ‘em, but I tried.”

You try to picture it—Bucky, hair slicked back, hands clumsy with a brush, coaxing bows into place on a giggling child’s head.

Your lips twitch. “Braids?”

“Bad ones.” He finally glances at you, mouth quirking faintly. “She called ‘em ‘buckle braids.’ Said they looked like seatbelts.”

You laugh, unexpected. He ducks his head, a little embarrassed, but you miss the way his eyes stay on you too long.

“She’s still alive, isn’t she?” you ask softly.

He nods. “We talk. It’s… complicated. A lotta years between us now.”

There’s another pause.

You don’t fill it. You just watch him, lit gold by the stovetop light, swirling his water like it’s something stronger. He looks far away in that moment—not guarded, not distracted, just... elsewhere. Like his mind is somewhere quieter, and he’s trying to remember how it felt to live there.

He looks like a man trying to remember a life that feels more like a dream.

You think about the look on his face earlier, when that baby yawned and curled into your chest. How he’d watched like he couldn’t quite breathe. Like he’d seen something he wanted and couldn’t name. And yeah—okay—it tugged at something in you too, sure. But not like it did to him. He’s still in it. Still holding on to the ghost of that moment with both hands, even now.

You look at him—soft in a hoodie and bathed in golden light, cheeks pink from wine and warmth and maybe something else—and your chest twists with something slow and awful. The kind of ache that leaves no bruise.

And still. You push your bowl toward him and say, “Okay, fine. I’ll admit it. This is good.”

He snorts, low. “Told you. Not totally helpless.”

“Mm,” you hum. “Jury’s still out.”

But your smile lingers, even as your heart doesn’t know where to settle.

You don’t talk about babies again. Not directly.

But when you both stand to rinse the dishes, you brush past him and say, “For the record… I bet you’d nail braids now.”

And his ears go pink.

You pretend not to see. Because if you do—if you look too closely—you might not be able to keep pretending you don’t know what all of this means.

.

“I want ten of my babies. Obviously.” Ava dips a fry into mustard with the kind of grim determination usually reserved for defusing bombs. “Different thing.”

You’re all at the diner again. It started as a joke—something Walker demanded once after a particularly grim mission, swearing by the restorative power of bacon and drip coffee—and somehow, it stuck. Now it’s tradition: post-debrief pancakes, a rotating cast of bruises and black eyes crowding into a corner booth that’s definitely too small. No one’s sure when it became sacred, but no one skips it, either.

The baby talk started again—somehow inevitably—because of the mission. 

A standard evac turned sideways. Smoke, rubble, a collapsed stairwell. Someone heard crying. Alexei went full Terminator through a wall. And when the dust cleared, there he was—coughing soot and holding a six-month-old like it was a live grenade. The baby didn’t even cry. Just blinked and drooled and grabbed Alexei’s nose like he owed him money.

It should’ve been a footnote in the mission report. It turned into a full-on debate about parental instincts, fight-or-flight hormones, and who would actually survive trying to raise a baby while doing this job.

From there, it was only a matter of time before Ava declared her hypothetical soccer team of spawn with a kind of detached confidence that suggested she’d already drawn up the chore wheel.

You nod slowly, as if that’s a normal sentence to hear over diner food at 9 a.m. on a Thursday. “Different thing,” you echo, like that explains anything.

There’s a pause filled only with the faint sizzle of a kitchen grill and the shriek of someone’s child two booths over. You’re content to let the silence stretch, to keep spooning eggs into your mouth like a sane person, until John leans back. His arm stretches across the vinyl booth with the exaggerated flair of a man who thinks he’s charming. He tilts his head toward you like he’s about to ask for a kiss, and then drops the bomb.

“What about you? Ever think about having kids?”

Your fork pauses mid-scramble. You blink. Once, then again, slower. The question isn’t new—it’s just never been aimed quite so directly at your throat before.

And somewhere in your mind, like a coin dropping into a well, you hear Bucky’s voice again.

“I used to think I’d have a bunch.”

The memory curls in your chest like a secret.

“Sure,” you say finally, and it comes out like a shrug in sentence form. “Sounds like fun. You know. In a nightmarish, identity-altering kind of way.”

John grins like you’ve handed him a gift. “Hey, I know a guy if you’re interested.”

“Oh?" you deadpan, already regretting it.

“Banked some before deployment, real clean record, full medical—”

There’s a sound beside you. Ceramic on laminate. Not a crash—more of a punctuation mark. You glance over.

Bucky’s hand rests on his coffee cup like he’s trying to stop it from shivering apart. The cup’s rim taps against the table once, sharp and accidental. His face doesn’t move. Doesn’t look at you, or at John. He stares into the coffee like it’s a black hole that might finally suck him in, if he just glares hard enough.

Walker doesn’t notice. Or pretends not to, which is maybe worse.

You shift slightly, angle your body just enough to catch Bucky’s profile. Not his eyes—he’s not giving you that. But you see the muscle ticking in his jaw, the way his thumb presses against the handle like it’s either that or throwing the cup against the wall. He breathes, slow and heavy, like he’s counting to ten. Like ten isn’t enough.

And you—idiot that you are—you feel it too. That low, aching pull at the thought of him with that baby. How natural he’d been. How soft his voice had gone. And how, for one weird, echoing second, you’d let yourself imagine it. Not just him with a child. But him with yours.

(It’s a thought you shouldn't let live, but it does anyway—burrows in, sharp and hungry. He’d be such a good father. Steady hands, steady voice, a tenderness in him that most people never get to see. You’d watched it spark to life like muscle memory, something old and unforgotten. 

And then, because your brain is a traitor, the thought tilts—what it would feel like to give him that. To give him that child. Not some hypothetical future, not a vague maybe someday. You. Him. 

That kind of closeness. That kind of permanence. 

The weight of him over you, inside you, something rough and reverent and completely undoing. It knocks the air from your lungs before you can even feel it coming. 

You imagine his voice rough and low—you’d look so fuckin’ good like this, he’d murmur, hands spreading over your stomach, already possessive. Full of me. Mine. You imagine his mouth, soft and reverent between your thighs, saying let me make you a mom, like it’s the last sane thought in his head.

And you—well, now you're sitting in a diner booth trying to pretend you didn’t just think the words “let me make you a mom” while someone’s child screams three feet away. You’re not proud. You are, in fact, actively praying for death. Or coffee. Whichever comes first.

So you do what you do best. You pivot.)

“Anyway,” you say, louder now, aiming your voice like a dart at Walker’s oblivious skull. Making sure your voice is light enough to convey that there isn't a world that it would ever happen with him. “Let me know if your guy offers a bulk discount. I’ll take two or three. Maybe four if they come pre-housebroken.”

John laughs. “First five are free. They just start billing you in sleep and soul erosion.”

Bucky finally moves. Not much. Just enough to slide the cup an inch back toward the middle of his placemat, like maybe now it’s safe. Like maybe no one noticed.

You’d like to kick John under the table. Just enough to shut him up. Just enough to let Bucky breathe.

Instead, you swirl your fork through yolk and wait for someone else to speak. Hope to someone out there that this whole baby thing will be put to rest.

.

But that day was just the start.

You don’t know if something cracked open in the universe or if Bucky secretly bartered a piece of his soul to a baby-loving deity in exchange for emotional clarity, but suddenly—it’s like the planet has been overrun. Babies. Everywhere. Strollers, carriers, those ridiculous kangaroo pouches. Toddlers with juice mustaches and light-up shoes. Infants in tiny sunglasses.

Worse, you’re always with him when it happens.

It starts innocently enough. You’re on stakeout. The intel turns out to be garbage—no targets, no movement, just an empty building and a guy who might’ve been Hydra or might’ve just been bad at directions. You’re about to call it when Bucky… stops walking.

No explanation. Just freezes on the sidewalk.

You turn, squinting. “What? You see something?”

And then you hear it. A laugh. Tiny. High-pitched. Pure. You scan the street and there it is: a baby in a stroller, arms flailing with chaotic joy, pink beanie slipping sideways on her round little head. Her mom is pushing her like it’s just a Tuesday. But Bucky—he crouches. Hands on his knees. Watching like he’s stumbled across the Ark of the Covenant.

“That’s a good laugh,” he mutters, almost reverently. “That’s… like a top-tier laugh.”

You blink. “You ranking baby laughs now?”

He doesn’t answer. Just keeps watching. Like the baby might do it again. Like he’s rooting for her.

You nudge him with your elbow. “Want me to get you a ringtone?”

He says nothing. His silence is telling.

Then it escalates.

Buenos Aires. Late afternoon. The heat’s syrupy, everything sunstruck and slightly too bright. You’re waiting for the decryption key to finish running—loitering under a chipped awning while the team fans out down the block, pretending to be tourists. You’re halfway through a warm soda and reading something in Spanish when Bucky drifts up beside you.

You don’t look at him. You’ve learned not to. He does this thing sometimes—leans in close enough for his shoulder to brush yours, says nothing at all, and just exists like a slow-burn fire you’re pretending not to feel.

This time, it’s worse. He gestures toward a store window. Shoes. Not just any shoes—tiny tactical boots, scaled down like someone was kitting out the junior division of the Avengers. Rugged soles, reinforced stitching, little laces that look too delicate for real fieldwork but too precise to be anything but serious gear. They’re absurd. They’re perfect.

“You think they make those in toddler size 5?”

You turn. Slowly. Give him the full weight of your skepticism. “Planning to outfit your own baby militia?”

He shrugs. Casual. Easy. Too easy. “Just wondering. Hypothetically.”

But then his eyes flick toward you—just for a beat. Like he’s measuring something. Like he’s waiting for a reaction you don’t know you’re giving.

You keep walking. Pretend not to feel your heart skip unevenly.

And it becomes a pattern. A weird, creeping, almost endearing pattern. You’re raiding safehouses, rerouting encrypted intel, shaking a tail in Prague, and somehow Bucky is the one lingering in front of vending machines, pointing at squeezable yogurt pouches like they’re alien tech.

“These have the little resealable caps,” he says, deadpan. “For babies, I think. Smart.”

You blink. “You want one?”

“No,” he says, looking thoughtful. “Just—clever design. Kid-friendly.”

You stare. He shrugs. Again. It’s becoming suspicious. Too real.

.

Later, it’s dark. Safehouse. Everyone asleep or pretending to be. You and Bucky are curled in the guest room that’s technically yours but hasn’t been solo occupancy in weeks. 

He’s already touching you before your brain catches up. Warm fingers ghosting under your shirt, calloused and rough, sliding over your ribs like he’s taking inventory of your soft places. You’re breathing shallowly before he even kisses you, your body already recognizing this as surrender.

There was a time when you thought Bucky would be a gentleman.

Reserved. Polite. Old-world chivalry repackaged in tactical black. You’d imagined he was probably hesitant in bed, at first. Careful. The type to ask twice, maybe three times, before putting his hands anywhere remotely close to where you’d actually want them. You thought he’d kiss softly. Whisper his affections like prayer. You thought—foolishly—that his stillness was quiet.

It’s not.

It’s restraint. Caged hunger. A man constantly one flick away from wrecking you completely.

Because Bucky doesn’t fuck like a soldier. Or a hero. He fucks like a man starved. Like he’s spent entire decades in lockdown with nothing but the memory of heat, and you’re the only warmth he’s ever wanted. He’s filthy in the way that makes your ears ring. Filthy in the way he moans your name when he’s too far gone to realize he’s saying it out loud.

Filthy in the way he says please.

That’s the worst part. The please.

Please kiss me, sweetheart. Please, let me stay in a little longer. Please, don’t stop. Please, I’ll be good. Please, have my ki—You gasp. He hasn't said that last part. You can't entertain that.

“Remember that time in Bolivia?” he murmurs, more statement than question, voice a gruff rasp against your throat. “When I fucked you against the wall and I had to put my hand against your mouth, because—Jesus—because you were being too loud?”

You tried to open your mouth. You usually have some sort of witty remark. But tonight his hand is trembling a little, and your chest’s too full of ache to joke.

"We can't do that here, sweetheart. I need you to stay quiet for me. Can you do that without my help?"

It’s always like this—a little desperate, a little unhinged. Like you both know it can’t mean what it means and keep doing it anyway. A nightly game of chicken with the truth.

Your legs spread, obscene, filthy, and soaked—giving him just the right view. He ducks down underneath in a flash, tongue swiping out before he does so, the pink flesh needy and hungry. The flutter of his eyelashes as he takes you in and wraps your legs around his face.

And when he pushes his tongue inside you, it’s slow. Not teasing. Not lazy. Just deliberate. Like he’s trying to stay—inside you, with you, in the moment.

Your hands are in his hair, your legs wrapped tight around his head, and then—midway through a breath, a moan, a whisper of his name—his hand slides up.

Spreads across your stomach.

Not rough. Not possessive.

Settled.

Just—there.

Like he’s holding a thought.

His thumb traces one slow arc across your skin. Then another. Circling your navel like he’s drawing a map. Or casting a spell. You don’t even register it until his breath stutters.

You freeze—just for a second—but he doesn’t stop moving. Doesn’t stop looking at you, either. You look down and his eyes are dark, wide, wrecked. Like he’s trying to rein it in. Like he’s already failing.

“Jesus,” he murmurs, half-strangled, pulling away from your cunt long enough for you to see the long, shimmering streak that connects his mouth to you. “You’d—fuck, you’d look so perfect like this.”

You blink down at him, too far gone to process. “Like what?”

He doesn’t answer. Just looks at you—like he wants to say it. Like the words are climbing up his throat and he’s fighting to keep them down. He presses a kiss to your thigh instead, then to your core, mouth hot and desperate.

“Sorry,” he breathes. “I just—”

You’re not stupid.

But you are, maybe, willfully stupid. Denial’s easier than everything else. Safer. You pull his head closer instead, scratch at his hair, drag him deeper into your legs feels like you're trying to climb out of your own skin.

Come inside me, come inside me, the thought, intrusive and loud and irrational, echoes in your head, even as he wrenches your first orgasm of the night from you. You watch as he licks up the remnants from between your legs, then the way his tongue darts out to catch the streaks around his stubble.

And you think, with a sense of finality, that you're fucking doomed.

.

It doesn’t help that the rest of the team is starting to notice. Yelena’s not subtle—she’s taken to raising her brows whenever you and Bucky so much as walk in the same direction. Alexei hums under his breath sometimes, low and vaguely ominous, usually something about “strong bloodlines” or “resilient genetics,” just loud enough to make your skin prickle. Even Val, smug and sharp-eyed, had that moment last week where she looked between the two of you, then at the empty supply room, and muttered, “Better not be rearranging furniture in there.”

The thing is—you and him have always been subtle. Always toeing the line but never stepping over.

Except now, lately, that subtlety is starting to unravel. Not in big ways, but in increments. A slip of tone. A lingering look. The way he doesn’t bother disguising the softness in his voice when he says your name. It’s like he’s decided—quietly, firmly, permanently—that you’re it. And he’s just waiting for you to catch up.

It’s in the little things.

He starts carrying gum in his pocket “in case someone’s kid gets antsy on a flight.” He asks if the noise-canceling headphones in your shared gear bag might work for toddlers. He watches you when you pick up a fallen pacifier at a rest stop, eyes going all soft at your hands, like he’s imprinting something in his head he doesn’t quite understand.

Then, during a recon op, he nudges you awake after you dozed off in the back of a surveillance van. “You sleep like a baby,” he says quietly.

You think he means it as a compliment, but your heart flips and your brain short-circuits, and you spend the rest of the mission wondering if he’s trying to tell you something or if you’re going insane.

(You do not, in fact, sleep like a baby. You drooled on the armrest. He said nothing.)

Weeks pass. Missions blur. The baby sightings continue like clockwork. You start to brace for them. For Bucky’s inevitable sighs. For the way his expression slips into something almost wistful.

You’re trained to read microexpressions. He should know this. You see it—the way his jaw softens, the way his shoulders fall just enough to say I want this. Not now, maybe. But someday.

And more terrifying: the way he keeps looking at you. Like you’re part of that someday.

And God—how could he?

How could he look at you like that?

You’re good at the quiet things. The watching, the stitching-up. The banter. The fight, when you have to. But you’ve never known what it means to build something that doesn’t involve exit strategies or a go-bag tucked under the bed.

Bucky… he deserves someone solid. Someone who’s not half a shadow. Who’d instinctively know how to hold a baby without second-guessing. Who’d have a laugh that sounded like Sunday mornings, and hands that were always warm. Someone who could braid a child’s hair without worrying they’d pull too hard. Someone kind. Someone permanent.

Not someone like you.

You’re not sure if he even sees the difference. You’re not sure if he knows he’s dreaming with his eyes open when he looks at you like that.

But you do.

You just pretend it doesn’t mean anything. Because if it does—if he’s looking at you like he already knows, like he’s already chosen—

Well.

You’re not ready for that kind of fallout.

Not yet.

.

The worst—by far—is the petting zoo in Nebraska.

You’re there under completely fabricated cover identities. Something about an eco-terrorist cell operating out of an adjacent farm-to-table cheese shop. You’ve both got sunglasses and fake names and those little earwig communicators that make you feel like you’re in Mission Impossible. You’re trying to be inconspicuous.

But then you pass the small animal enclosure.

There’s a toddler up ahead, perched on her dad’s shoulders like a giggling parrot. She squeals—delighted—at the sight of the baby goats, then gets lowered gently down so she can feed them through the fence. Her little fingers curl around the bars, one of the goats licks her hand, and she lets out a laugh so pure and shrill and untouched by the horrors of modern living that it actually makes your chest hurt.

You don’t even register it at first—just the absence of footsteps beside you. Then you glance back.

He’s standing there, completely still, like he’s been struck by divine intervention. Like that baby goat and that toddler just rewired something deep in his old brain. His expression is unguarded in a way that makes your stomach tilt. Soft and stunned.

He doesn't even pretend to be focused on the mission anymore.

And then—then—he turns to you. The most serious he's ever been. Eyes locked on yours.

“Do you think ours would like goats?”

You nearly choke on your lemonade. Actually choke. You cough once, twice, like your lungs are trying to escape your body. “What?”

And it’s not just the question—it’s the way he says it. Our kid. Not flippant. Not ironic. Not followed by a wink or a smirk or even a shy smile. Just fact. 

“I said,” he repeats, casually, clearly, like it’s the most normal thing in the world, “hypothetically, would our kid be into goats.”

You just stare at him. You’ve stopped trying to be cool about this. The number of times he’s said our baby with absolute, unsettling conviction has reached what can only be described as a statistically significant trend.

“I don’t know, Bucky,” you say, rubbing your temples. “I think most hypothetical babies are goat neutral until proven otherwise.”

He hums. Actually hums, like he’s storing that away. “Makes sense. We'll have to test it early. Build a baseline.”

“Stop,” you say, pointing a finger at him like that might restore order to the universe. “You’re not serious.”

His eyes flick to yours. And there’s no twinkle there. No smile. Just this steady, almost stubborn kind of affection—so open it knocks the wind out of you.

"You said I’d be good at it,” he says, voice low, so only you can hear. “The whole dad thing.”

You open your mouth. Then close it. Then open it again like a very confused fish. Because you remember saying it. You remember the patio, the way the baby curled into his chest. The kitchen, the risotto, the late hour and the way he’d talked about braiding Rebecca’s hair. You remember the quiet ache in your chest, the one that’s back now, curling tighter.

And you don’t know what the hell to say. You really don’t. Because he’s looking at you like he’s already imagined the whole damn life and decided it was worth every scar. Like he’s already picked out the parts of himself he wants to give a kid—the kindness, the patience, the rebuilt softness—and buried the rest.

So you make a joke. Mask it. Swallow the quake in your throat and reach for levity like it’s body armor.

“Well, if the goat thing doesn’t work out, we can always try hamsters,” you say. “Low stakes. Contained mess. Give Yelena's little guy a friend.”

The goat bleats behind you. Bucky doesn’t flinch. Just watches you like he's still waiting for an answer—a real answer—that you're not sure how to give.

You move on. .

It finally breaks in a Target.

Of course it does.

You’re on a supply run for the team. Technically, this is all mission prep and there's assistants for things like this—med supplies, energy bars, razors, weird thermal socks Yelena swears by—but somehow, somewhere between the bottled water and the electrolyte tablets, you and Bucky wander into the wrong aisle.

Not wrong like “accidental.” Wrong like fate’s playing dirty.

Now you’re standing in front of an endcap display you definitely didn’t mean to find, and there it is. Tucked between pastel swaddles and soft-textured washcloths, like a landmine in the wrong aisle—a tiny cotton baby hat, pale blue with little stitched ears.

It’s nothing. Just a hat.

But Bucky’s staring at it like it cracked his ribs open.

“Hey,” you murmur, stepping closer. “You okay?”

He doesn’t answer.

Just reaches out and picks it up. Turns it over in his hands slowly, like it’s something fragile. Like it might vanish if he isn’t careful. His thumb brushes over the tag. He squints at it like he’s trying to make sense of the fibers. His jaw’s set hard, but there’s something in the line of his shoulders—something tired.

“Bucky,” you say again, gentler this time.

He doesn’t look at you. “Did you know their heads are soft?” His voice is quiet. Almost reverent. “Babies. Their skulls don’t even come together for a while. You have to be real careful.”

You blink. “Have you… been reading about this?”

He swallows, shrugs. “I don't know. I just—I see stuff. I look it up.” He sets the hat down too fast. It doesn’t bounce. It just flattens there on the shelf like it’s watching him back.

You don’t speak. Neither does he. You just stand there for a second, like the air’s been drained from the aisle.

There’s a baby crying somewhere in another aisle—high-pitched and sputtering. A lull, then a hiccuping wail. A mother murmurs something gentle in response. The sound floats over the shelves and then disappears.

Eventually, you both walk.

Wordless. Past rows of seasonal candy wrapped in rustling orange plastic. Discount school supplies. Travel-sized deodorant and decorative lint rollers. Your cart is still half full, but you don’t look at it. Your eyes keep tracking him instead. His steps are slower than usual, like each one is being dragged out of him. His shoulders slope in that particular way you’ve started to recognize—like he’s still holding that hat in his mind, careful and afraid.

The automatic doors swish open and spill you into the afternoon like you’ve been exiled.

Outside, the parking lot’s too bright. The sun glares off windshields and the pavement radiates that late-summer kind of heat—baked rubber and exhaust fumes and burnt asphalt. A shopping cart wheel squeals in the distance, sharp and whiny. The plastic Target bags crackle like they’re judging you.

You lean against the car. It’s hot through your shirt. The silence settles again—heavier now. Thicker. Like it’s pressing into your ribcage and asking for something neither of you are sure you’re ready to give.

You look at him. Not just glance—look.

He’s standing with his back half-turned, metal hand flexing and unflexing at his side, like he’s trying to let something out but doesn’t trust what’ll happen if he does. His vibranium arm glints in the sunlight—charcoal black veined with gold, all matte finish and unforgiving elegance. It doesn’t belong here, not really. Not in this mundane little parking lot, not against a backdrop of SUVs and clearance bins.

But neither does he.

You let the silence stretch a little longer. Let the heat sweat on your back, the wind tousle your hair, the tension between you wind tighter like thread pulled taut.

Then, finally, like you’re testing a live wire. “What’re you thinking about?”

He breathes in slow. Shaky.

And then, finally, he speaks—voice soft, too soft for someone built to survive war. “Do you have any guesses?”

That’s new.

You blink. Look down at your shoes. Your reflection warps in the car door.

“I don’t want to guess wrong,” you say. Even though you know fully well.

He huffs something between a sigh and a laugh. It’s not bitter. Just… tired. Then he gestures loosely, not at anything in particular. Just out. Broadly. Helplessly.

“We keep running into this,” he says, quieter now. “Not just here. Everywhere. At the grocery store. On recon. That billboard downtown with the giggling baby and the diaper brand we’ll never have enough time to run and grab from the store. That kid last week with the tiny shoes, remember that one?”

You do. You remember too well.

“There was this moment,” he continues, voice cracking, not looking at you yet, “when I saw that kid—and I thought, he’s going to walk into your arms someday. And I realized—I already want that."

He’s pacing now, one hand on his hip, the other dragging through his hair like he’s trying to pull something out of his skull. The sleeve of his hoodie is shoved up to the elbow. His dog tags are visible. His metal hand flexes open and closed like he needs something to grab onto.

“I just couldn't stop thinking about it.” He laughs, breathless and small. “Which is stupid, right? I mean—look at me. Who the hell am I to want something like that?”

“Bucky…” You trail off. Because he deserves it. He deserved all of it and you want to give him everything.

“But this? You?” he says again, shaking his head like he still can’t believe he has to say it out loud. “This isn’t hollow. This is wanting. Real wanting. Not some half-dead echo of need or distraction or—God—forgiveness. I don’t want you because I think you’re gonna fix something in me. Or because I think this’ll be easy. I want you because it’s you.”

His eyes find yours again—steady, burning.

“Because when I think about a future without you in it, it feels wrong. Like my bones know it. Like every damn instinct I’ve got wants to drag me back to wherever you are and just—stay.”

Your throat tightens. He presses on.

“And don’t get it twisted—I see you. I see the way you move through missions. The way you think six steps ahead, the way you take hits like they’re nothing and still check on everyone else first. You’re not some fragile thing I wanna put behind glass. You’re steel. You’re tougher than half the people I’ve fought beside. You don’t need anyone. Hell, you don’t need me.”

He steps forward. Lowers his voice.

“But I want to be needed by you. I want to be the guy who gets to hold you when the world’s too loud. I want us. A home. A baby—maybe two. One of ‘em likes goats. I don't know. Maybe we argue about preschool names and you yell at me for lettin’ them eat cereal off the floor. You're the person I want to be a disaster in front of at 3 a.m. because our hypothetical child won’t sleep unless you sing that dumb Fleetwood Mac song—” 

“Fleetwood Mac isn’t dumb.” 

“See? That’s exactly the tone you’d use,” he says, as if that proves a point. 

You blink hard. Your chest aches in that quiet, painful way reserved for things that are almost too good to believe.

“And I’ve been trying to be subtle,” he says, a rough laugh in his throat. “Pointing at strollers like a moron. Buying those damn pouches with the resealable caps. I kept hopin’ maybe you’d see it. Maybe you’d say somethin’ first. I didn’t wanna scare you off. I know what we’ve been through. What you’ve been through.”

He looks down for a second, then back at you—gentle now, gentler than you’ve ever seen him.

“But I’ll wait. As long as you need. I’m not going anywhere. And if you’re scared? Good. Me too. Means we’re not makin’ this decision with our eyes closed. But don’t pretend it’s not real. Don’t tell me I’m imagining this, because I know what this feels like. I’ve spent too long not feeling anything to mistake this for anything else.”

His vibranium hand curls into a loose fist at his side. Not clenched. Just steady. Anchored.

“I want this. With you. All of it. Even the hard parts. Especially those. I want the missions and the night shifts and the baby who won’t stop crying and the mess and the fear and the way you look at me like I might still be good. I want all of that, and I want it with you.”

And there it is again—that feeling like your ribs are about to crack open from the pressure of it all. From the weight of being seen this clearly. This completely.

You step closer, close enough now that the heat from him leaks into your skin. You stare up at him, eyes burning.

“You really want all that with me?”

He nods. “More than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

“And you’re really not afraid I’ll mess it up?”

His smile is small, pained—like he’s trying to hold it together with fraying thread. “You’ll mess it up. So will I. We’ll accidentally teach them to swear. Maybe we let Alexei babysit and they come back speaking fluent Russian and craving vodka. I’ll still want you. Even when we’re sleep-deprived and overwhelmed and knee-deep in goldfish crackers. Especially then.”

Your voice cracks open without warning. Raw. Bare.

“Bucky—what the hell am I supposed to say to top that?”

“You don’t have to say anything,” he says softly, hand cupping your cheek with the kind of conviction that makes your knees go weak. “Just… don’t walk away. Don’t—God, please—don’t say no. Not to this. Not to me.”

You nuzzle closer into his hand. Slowly. Your voice, when it comes, is paper thin. “You really think I’d say no to goat-loving, minivan driving Bucky Barnes?”

His mouth twitches. “You making fun of me?”

You smile. You’re shaking a little. “Only a little.”

He laughs, and it’s a real one—wet around the edges, but honest.

And that—God. That lands like a sucker punch.

You take a breath. Step closer. Your heart is a drumbeat in your ears but your voice—your voice is iron and sunrise. “Okay. Let’s say, hypothetically, we make our first one now. What then?”

Bucky’s entire body stills.

Like he’s been hit center mass—not by a bullet, but by possibility. Like your words cracked open a vault somewhere deep in him and he’s still trying to process what came out. His breath hitches. His brows lift just slightly. You can almost see it—each implication of what you just said unfurling in real time: first one, meaning more than one. Meaning permanence. Meaning forever.

His eyes go wide—like, really wide. Like he’s just been handed the Infinity Gauntlet and told to babysit it. His mouth opens, then closes again. Then opens. A soft, stunned “Now?” escapes.

You nod. Slowly. “Yes. Now.”

And it’s like a switch flips. Whatever gears were turning in his head just snap into place, and then he’s grabbing you—gently, desperately—and kissing you like he hasn't kissed you thousands of times before. It’s all hands and breath and something that tastes like joy, wild and uncontainable. You laugh into it, half-giddy, half-overwhelmed, and then someone leans out of a passing minivan and honks.

You both jump. Bucky flips the guy off without looking. “Keep driving, asshole!”

You’re laughing so hard your ribs hurt, and you have to clutch his arm just to stay upright. He looks at you like you’ve personally realigned his entire future.

Then it’s a race. You barely make it through the parking lot without tripping over yourselves, bumping shoulders and brushing hands and laughing like lunatics. Bucky opens the car door for you like he’s being timed for a rescue op, and the moment your ass hits the passenger seat, his hand is on your thigh—firm, possessive, fingers warm even through the denim.

He doesn’t even pretend to drive normally. The car peels out like you’re being chased, tires screeching as he swerves onto the freeway with all the caution of a man on fire.

His other hand clenches the wheel, knuckles pale. “You sure you’re not gonna regret it?” he asks, voice low, like it’s been scraped out of him. Like he’s terrified this is a dream and one wrong word will wake him up.

You glance over. He’s flushed down to his collar, eyes flicking from the road to your face and back like he can’t decide which is more dangerous. You’re smiling so wide it hurts your cheeks.

“If you keep asking questions like that,” you murmur, “I might pull you over and climb on top of you right here.”

He chokes. Visibly swerves. “You—you’re not joking.”

“I am, Bucky. We're at a fucking Target.”

He lets out a groan like it physically pains him. “You’re evil.”

You lean your head back against the seat, breathless with laughter. But then you glance sideways and—yeah. That look on his face? That’s love. That’s a man about to commit several felonies in your name.

“I’m gonna treat you so fuckin’ good,” he mutters, almost to himself. “Gonna make you feel safe and spoiled and full of me. Gonna worship you every damn night. You don’t even know.”

“Oh, I know,” you say, suddenly a little breathless. His grip on your thigh tightens, just for a second.

His foot presses harder on the gas.

The car hums like it’s picking up on the tension. Bucky’s jaw is set, eyes dark, every red light a personal affront to his timeline. At one point he actually mutters “no” at a yellow light and runs it anyway. Another person flips both of you off until they squint and see who's in the car. Bucky doesn’t blink.

When the Watchtower finally comes into view, he exhales like he’s just crossed a finish line. The tires screech again as he parks, but you barely register it. Because the second the engine cuts, he turns to you, all flushed cheeks and unholy devotion, and whispers, “Upstairs. Now.”

And then—

He lifts you like it’s muscle memory, like your body belongs there, bracketed against him. Your legs wrap around his waist. Somehow, some way, he finds the bedroom with barely a glance, kicks the door shut behind him, and lays you down like you’re breakable.

Not fragile. Important.

He hovers above you for a beat, breath uneven, gaze raking over your face like it’s the first time he’s really let himself look. Like he’s memorizing this—just in case the world tilts sideways again.

He bends down, his voice rasping against your mouth. “You still sure about this?”

You pull him back to you by the waistband of his jeans. “I said I wanted all of it.  The house. The minivans. The goats. I meant it.”

Something in him loosens. Not all the way, not yet—but enough to soften his edges. He exhales through his nose and kisses you like it’s a vow, mouth warm and open and aching. His hands find your thighs, settle there like they’ve always known the shape of you. Thumbs brushing slow circles like he’s grounding himself on your skin.

You kiss him back with everything you’ve got, fingers fisting in the fabric of his shirt—and when you tug, it’s not subtle.

And you tug at his shirt again. “Bucky—”

“No, just—let me—” He peels it off over his head in one fluid motion, and fuck. You’ve seen him shirtless before. Dozens of times. Training sessions. Medical checks. Casual Sundays in sweatpants.

But not with the full breadth of him laid bare, chest heaving, dog tags glinting faintly in the low light. Thick, ropey muscle, that deep ridge where his hip cuts in and disappears under the waistband of his jeans. He’s massive. Bigger than you can ever brace for. Every inch of him looks carved from the kind of strength that short-circuits your higher brain function.

And it hits you, all at once, how strong he really is.

Not just tactical, not just capable—but superhuman. The kind of strength that could lift a car or crush a man’s throat or pick you up like you weigh nothing. You’ve felt it before—in combat, in sparring, in those accidental brushes where he’d catch your wrist or hoist you clear of an explosion.

You’re trying to keep it together—you are—but then he grins. That slow, crooked, devastating thing like he knows exactly what he’s doing to you. “You’re staring,” he murmurs, voice gone husky with amusement.

You shoot back, “So are you.”

“Yeah,” he says, and steps in, close enough that his chest brushes yours, heat radiating off him like a furnace. “Difference is, I’m about to do something about it.”

Your mouth goes dry. Your brain attempts a witty reply and fails spectacularly. So you shove at his shoulder with mock offense, and he grabs your wrists—gently, easily—and pins them to the mattress above your head.

Oh.

It’s nothing. No pressure, no real force. But it reminds you. Reminds you exactly what he’s capable of. How easily he could break you. How carefully he never has.

“Could hold you like this forever,” he murmurs. “You’d let me, wouldn’t you?”

You squirm beneath him, flushed and wrecked and undone.

“You’re so goddamn beautiful,” he breathes, dragging his nose down your throat. “I could carry you around all day. Pick you up, fuck you against a wall, against a table, hell, the fridge, if I wanted.”

You gasp, and his grip tightens—just enough to feel it.

"I need to get you ready first," He pulls back slightly, meets your eyes. “That okay?”

You nod. Hard. “Yes. Fuck, yes.”

His stubble rubs along your neck, your collarbones, until he pauses at your chest, nuzzling one of your nipples with his eyes closed—reverent. His tongue darts out, sucking and pulling at the sensitive muscle, more for his sake than for yours. 

There's a graze of his teeth—then, his other hand comes to meet your other breast, ever the multi-tasker. He murmurs your name, once, twice, the sound vibrating low against your skin.

You don't know how long he stays like that, in that blissful purgatory, his leg, between your legs, just barely giving you the stimulation you need, until his mouth, his beautiful, beautiful mouth, gets faster, more greedy, and the leg you're grinding against pushes deeper against you—

"Come for me, sweetheart."

It's like fucking fireworks. You cum with a groan, eyes closed shut, whining low and deep and overwhelmed.

When you come to, vision returning to you in hazes, you look at him through fluttering lashes, the way he strokes his cock in front of you. Painfully hard, red, and weeping, but it's his words that make you short-circuit next.

“You’re gonna let me put a baby in you, huh?”

Your breath catches.

He kisses you before you can answer—deep and consuming and hungry—and when he pulls back, there’s a look in his eyes you’ve never seen before. Something molten. Something fierce.

“Been thinkin’ about something else too,” he confesses, dragging his mouth along your jaw. “You, round with my kid. All soft and happy. Maybe bossin’ me around with that look you get when you’re pretending not to care.”

The words stick—and it's all the warning you get before he's slotting his cock in between your cunt, slipping inside of you.

His hand settles on your stomach, low and possessive. He presses his palm there like he’s already claiming it. Like he’s asking permission to fill it. You can feel it, the pressure delicious, as his thrusts get messier, less controlled. The room's filled with the sound of it, groaning and snapping and skin slapping together.

“I’ll be good,” he says, voice cracking. “I’ll be so good. You’ll never have to lift a finger. I’ll make breakfast. I’ll learn lullabies. I’ll paint the damn nursery if you want me to.”

You moan, high and helpless. “Keep talking.”

He thrusts—deep, slow, intentional. “I’ll hold your hand through the appointments. Rub your back when it hurts. Run to the store at 3 a.m. for pickles, or chocolate, or whatever the hell you need—”

Then, his hand–the metal one—moves between you, lower and lower until his thumb's hovering right over your clit, pinching and squeezing and rolling it, and you have to fight every cell inside of you not to cum right then and there, even while he's looking at you and saying everything so, so goddamn perfectly.

You clench around him, once, twice, like a vice grip that's desperate for him to feel just the way he makes you feel.

“Jesus,” he breathes. “You’re so—fuck, I just wanna—” He shakes his head, then mutters against your collarbone, “Don't do that, not yet, I'll cum."

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” you whisper. "I just wanna–oh god—show you how thankful I am."

His hips rock against yours. 

“You wanna thank me?” he pants, jaw trembling as he fights to hold on. “Then do it with an ultrasound. Let me hear it. Let me see it.”

You whimper, wrecked by the words alone.

“Say it,” he demands, but softer now. Frantic and obsessed. “Tell me you want it too. Tell me you want to keep me forever.”

“I do,” you gasp. “I do—God, Bucky, I do—”

Then he shifts, pushing himself deeper inside, and one brutal thrust later, raking his hands across your abdomen, you gasp. Shuddering, shaking like a leaf, finishing in his arms so hard that you nearly twist out of his grasp.

Seconds later, Bucky spills into you, and you can feel the precise moment he throbs inside you, warmth filling you up, up, up, and you can fill the drip of his cum spilling out from the sheer volume of it. You've never felt so full.

When you try to get up, he stops you with a gentle pull against your waist. He buries his face in your neck. “Need you to stay still,” he growls, words slurred, “make sure it takes.”

And who were you to say no to that?

You're tangled up in him, hours later. Or maybe minutes. Time’s a blur. The sheets are kicked halfway down the bed, your leg slung over his hip, the air still thick with heat and something heavier. Sweeter. Like gravity finally decided to show up and drag you straight into the future.

Bucky’s arm is around your waist, metal plates cool against your damp skin, the weight of him grounding. He’s curled slightly, head bowed like he can’t stop looking at you. His fingers draw slow, absent circles on your belly—like the thought never left him. Like it’s only just beginning.

Neither of you says anything for a long time.

And then, quietly, “You okay?”

You nod, not trusting your voice. Your heart’s still hammering like a warning bell and a love song. “You?”

He huffs a laugh into your shoulder. Presses a kiss there. Then another, softer. His voice is hoarse when he finally answers. “I’ve never been this okay.”

There’s a pause. You don’t fill it. You just watch as his thumb drags slow and soft across your stomach again, like he’s memorizing the shape of possibility.

“I can see it,” he murmurs. “Not just a kid. Our kid. One that frowns like you and kicks like me. One who’s smart, and stubborn, and throws food at Walker's head during holidays.”

You snort softly. “You think we’d raise a kid that obnoxious?”

His grin is lazy and real, eyes bright with something so big it makes your chest ache. “I hope so.”

You stare at the ceiling for a beat. Let the words sink in. Let the idea grow legs.

Then you roll closer, press your palm over the hand that’s still stroking your belly.

You whisper it this time. Fragile. Hopeful. “You think this’ll do it?”

Bucky shudders—actually shudders—and shifts to kiss your jaw, your cheek, your mouth like it’s a prayer.

“Sweetheart,” he says, low and wrecked, “I’ll do it again. And again. All night, if that’s what it takes.”

[sometimes-i-write-good]

"pathetic" is almost the hottest thing a man can be, second only to "in pain"

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im hunting americans

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obsession so bad i read a fanfic and watched an edit that effected me so viscerally im doing a digital detox and touching grass

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whoever invented beds was a fucking genius im just all cozied up in here like u don't even know how cozy i am

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thunderbolts tweets cause i love them (+ one extra at the end)

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Hi! :) Just wanted to start off by saying I absolutely love this blog. You are seriously such a blessing Jana; I hope you're doing well! Now, sorry if this is random or weird but! I was wondering if you might have any heist prompts? Like, what's being stolen, from whom, what could or does go wrong, or if that's too much, maybe just dialogue prompts for characters planning/executing the heist? I understand if you can't do this, but thank you so much in advance if you can!

Hi :)

Thank you so much for that sweet message! I'm doing very good right now, I hope you do too!

I actually have a big heist scene as like the central point of my wip, so I'm trying to come up with something for you.

Heist Prompts

What's being stolen?

Intel/Data

Valuables (cash, jewelry)

Paintings

Sculptures

Artefacts

Hearts

From whom?

Museums

Art galleries

Banks

Private mansions

Government buildings

Offices

What could/does go wrong?

bad intel about the venue, the item, the client, the robbed individual

alarms going off

people present they didn't expect

someone betrayed them

it's a trap

the item they want to steal is actually fake

the item is no longer there

someone came in before them

one of them gets caught

the equipment malfunctions

Dialogue prompts for planning/executing a heist

"So, Plan D?" "Yeah, Plan D it is."

"Has anyone here done their research or did you all plan on just knocking and asking for the stuff?"

"Wait, this says that you need a cat for the heist. Explain to me what that means, please."

"They wouldn't call the police if they found us, they are criminals themselves that would make no sense." "Them not calling the police means they would punish us themselves."

"What happens if they come back earlier?" "Then we're screwed."

"Can one of these days something go according to plan? Please?"

"I told you to grab the one item we get paid for by our employer to steal, so where are all these Fabergé eggs coming from?" "They were just laying around without a name tag, how would I know who they belonged to?"

"Why am I always the decoy?" "Because you do it so beautifully."

"So, what is my role in this whole shenanigan situation?" "I thought you could be the driver."

Hope you enjoy this!

- Jana

[sometimes-i-write-good]

jack scabbing heavy on my mind rn like yeah no shit Jack Kelly would rather be hated by every single person he cares about than risk having to bury even One of them

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The best tragedies will have you thinking "I wish it could've gone any other way" and "this is the only way it could've ended" at the same time

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