sometimes-i-just-wanna-die

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

Beginning of Monsoon

Up at 3 a.m.,
in the middle of a downpour,
I step outside to feel the cool breeze.
Hit by the rain,
I sigh in relief.

The hush of rain,
with the occasional hum of thunder.
An urge to taste the drops,
beneath a shelter of clouds.

I spy with my little eye
the lone souls the rain has stirred.
I realize I am one too,
or just a fool.

I ask this monsoon to be gentler,
not an oracle of fates.
A soft hug from afar,
and not a heavy cloud.

My thoughts run astray,
encountering dead ends.
I untangle a few,
those holding the strings of life and death.

I wonder about the farmer’s joy—
Is he awake now?
Does he sit and watch the drops,
as I do?

I imagine a child, cuddled up
but wide awake.
Is this her first monsoon?
Will she fall in love?

I ponder if it’s someone’s last,
grief drowned in thunder’s roar,
silent cries and halted breath
swept away by the wind.

I muse on the idea of love—
cuddled in blankets,
a steaming cup of chai,
as the clouds shift.

And then my eyes close,
knowing it may flee before dawn.
But haven’t I already offered all my secrets,
hoping it would stay?

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

“I don’t think people understand how stressful it is to explain what’s going on in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself.”

— Sara Quin

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

the only therapy I know is distance and silence

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

Please never fall in love again

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

somehow I got 95/20 on an assignment

I hope they never fix it and leave it this way forever

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

I just wanna go to Italy and relax for a whole century

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

One day you think: I want to die. And then you think, very quietly, actually I want a coffee. I want a nap. A sandwich. A book. And I want to die turns day by day into I want to go home, I want to walk in the woods, I want to see my friends, I want to sit in the sun. I want a cleaner room, I want a better job, I want to live somewhere else, I want to live.

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

#and

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

it's time i reveal my true self.

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

A letter to her

“Is it cruel to be kind?”

I ask her,

with the gloomiest eyes

And the softest cry.

“Is it cruel to be kind?

Is it a crime to be blind?”

Her reply was buried

In her choked sobs,

And stained hands.

Playing with the vines on her neck,

Trying to tug them off.

I ask,

If my eyes would mirror hers on an ill-fated day

I ask,

If I would suffer the same fate

I ask,

If I would weep to my daughter

When the clock hits the night.

And as her tears stain the clothes,

She warns me,

to not trust the sea

Or the sun.

To not fall prey to the whispers of the men

Or the stars they promise.

She warns me,

To not be kind to the whims of their youth

Or to hold onto the praises they adorn,

To not let go of the fear.

Because fear-

Fear binds us all strays.

Soon, Her tears turned grey,

And her heart withered away.

Her fate unchanged.

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

For those alluring skies and the bewitching smiles,

The times I walk those miles.

The orange hues of the sky so high

As The day hides behind its veil

The water casting the moons white,

As the stars settle to the twilight.

The imprints we leave behind

On the golden sand.

As the rocks recite the old lovers tale,

The distant lights sail.

The twinkle in the eyes

And echoes of delight

The waves crashing on the shore

Filled with the birds uproar

Amazed with its beauty,

I sat by.

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

people pleasing will be the death of me. it’s ruining my head. my sense of who i am feels so fragile and fake, like i’m in a liminal space between my grounded identity and a floating, dreamlike persona. i think i’m finally exhausted. i’m afraid of how untethered i am to my interests and aspirations and how much more willing i am to make someone else is happier. it’s only at my expense. it’s my fault. bell hooks taught me that i’ll never find love if i’m a liar, and she’s right. i only lie to please. i’m a hot-blooded deceiver. what i think doesn’t matter to me. i’ll be your doormat completely. i’ll do it for free. in some twisted way, i believe asserting normal boundaries is a cruel act, and i’m mean for doing it - where on earth is my self-respect? will i die old and withered, unhappy and unloved, because my fraud-of-a-persona made me forget who i am and what i like? i’ll let girls use my friendship like disposable income and i’ll apologise on behalf of men who treat me two-dimensionally. bell hooks, bell hooks, bell hooks; you told me it’s all about love, but if i’m stuck pretending to be someone else, will they love me, or only my people pleasing?

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

“There are two reasons why people don’t talk about things; either it doesn’t mean anything to them, or it means everything.”

— Unknown

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

Imagine a bee rn in a hive muttering "the beekeeper is not real because he is not intervening or helping me at all with this disastrous relationship I have with another bee". now imagine that's you talking about the good lord. now imagine a dog with a propeller hat on

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

I feel overwhelmed. The anxiety attacks dont help. I cabt talk to snyone about this cause they wont understand. And if they do, they wont help. I cry myself to sleep. I dont feel like i belong here my marks are down and i am not as smart as evrryone else. I try nto to compare but i do. I miss my home. I miss a good sleep and happy times. I wanna scream but i cant so i tend to be quiet and not speak. I dont feel pretty most days. Im lagging behind. Things suck here and i just wanna die but i know i cant because there are people who love me even though they are far away they are there.

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

I do not have enough vocabulary to reply to peoples message

[sometimes-i-just-wanna-die]

Bad day messed up my exam again!!😭 im so screwed. I wanna kill myself but i know i wont. Why? Cause things have been worse and they will get worse and you cant do anything about it so im gonna make soup and drink it and prep for the next one