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Too real

Yeah sex is cool but have you ever sat in the darkness and wonder why you’re not good enough?

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It is so strange to me that two days ago I was completely freaking out and sobbing and losing my mind about our sexual issue. Then you said one affectionate thing and now I haven’t even been sad. You have all the power to control me and how I am feeling. I don’t like it, it isn’t a good thing but I don’t know yet how to get over this. I know you don’t want the power and I am sorry you have it. I love you more than anything and I will stay on this journey with you until the very end.

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Intense distress

Every day I wake up with this heavy feeling. Not because I miss you, even though I do. More because my mind has taken over and has decided that you don’t want me, even if you do everything to show me except sexually. Can you imagine what it feels like to wake up and live each day feeling like the person you love the most in the world doesn’t want you or love you anymore. Even when we talk I can’t be open or normal anymore because all I feel is rejection so I try to shelter myself by being numb. In the beginning I felt it, you enjoyed me, you wanted me. Then it all changed and now I never feel it. Maybe you just liked me when I was new. I am quitting birth control so I can get my hormones regulated and maybe lose some weight but even this act of love for myself doesn’t feel good. It’s just a reminder that i won’t ever be wanted by you now. You barely wanted me on BC and now that will be your new fear and you won’t ever want me. I wish I could cut all this out of my head and be happy. I guess I really need to go to therapy because I need to fix this. I also need to go because I can’t talk to you about this anymore because I am so tired of dragging you down. And I can’t share things that are this personal with anyone else, nor would I want to tell anyone about this.

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I am at the point where I can’t even enjoy my own sex blog. LIKE WTF. Every time I see someone being kissed, physically pleasured or obviously wanted by their partner it triggers me and I start sobbing. Today I watched a movie with a good kiss scene and I had never felt more unloved. How is it that I can be in the literal best relationship and still find a way to feel unloved. I have never felt this unloved in my life, even in an abusive fucking relationship. Felt is the word that matters in that sentence... I feel unloved but I am so far from that. My relationship with my ex, I actually was unloved but didn’t feel unloved because he knew exactly how to make feel wanted, it was even part of the manipulation... It’s great to feel like someone thinks you’re the whole world and wants you even if you’re fat/ugly. And now I am in the MOST loving relationship that is so healthy and perfect and my brain has focused on this one thing to point that I literally have a trigger now. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Why can’t I just turn off this thing in my head that associates being wanted with being loved? 

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July 8th 2018

I can look at this blog and be happy that I am not in the darkest place I used to be in. I am having troubles and they are distressing but nothing like the way it used to be. I am so thankful to be in a healthy and happy relationship, even if we are still working on things.

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Why didn’t you?

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OKAY IM DOING A SCHOOL PROJECT ON GAY MARRIAGE AND I HAVE TO USE STATISTICS SO REBLOG IF YOU SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE AND LIKE IF YOU DONT

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I’m a beautiful idiot.

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“Everyone wants to be the sun to lighten up someone’s life, but why not the moon, to brighten in the darkest hour? ”

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Spells for Self Confidence and Direction

Power Thoughts

Spend some time journaling. Ask yourself, “what is holding me back the most?” Do not make this about other people! “My friends do not support me” is not a good answer for this exercise. “I am insecure,” “I limit myself,” “I do not support myself,” are all examples of a valid answer. Then, write power thoughts that liberate you from what holds you back the most. Example power thoughts are, “I am secure,” “I am free,” and, “I support myself.” Remember to make power thoughts in the positive tense (“I AM free”) and not in the negative tense (“I am NOT bound”).

Take your power thoughts and relax with them. Think over them carefully. For each negative thought you journaled, you should have one power thought. For each negative thought, there is one chain binding you. Think about these chains holding you back. Speak or think your power thought, and imagine this chain breaks apart and leaves you free. Speak all your power thoughts in a row. Exit your meditation being aware that you have made another step closer to being who you want to be.

Repeat this meditation as often as you want. I repeat mine several times daily. If you do not like the chain imagery, choose your own imagery – my imagery is opening a portal to release negativity from my being. Please be careful because the imagery is a powerful part of the spell, and how you choose to visualize things will have an effect on you. Message me with concerns!

Light My Path

A candle flame is most traditional for this spell, but an LED candle, a flash light, a lamp, or any light will work for this spell. Do try a candle if you can get one!

You are lost in a snowy forest at midnight. You have been driving up the mountain and the road is so narrow and twisty. You are scared of falling off the edge of the mountain. You are scared you missed the house you are trying to get to. You are scared of slipping in the snow.

But wait! There is a light up ahead – a little, glowing, glimmering light. What an incredible feeling of relief. Someone has put a lamp out in front of the house to guide the way. You can see it up the mountain. It helps you find the right dirt road to turn on. It gives you confidence. You can see the way! And several minutes later, when you pull up to the cabin, your friends are waiting with open arms. “We were here waiting for you,” they say. “We put out the light to guide the way.” You get a blankie and a cup of coco.

That is all you need. A guiding light. So we must do a little crazy magic, and place a flame in your future for you to follow. Soon, that guiding light will bring you to your metaphorical blankie and coco. Everything is going to be ok. Just trust me on that, yeah? Everything is going to be ok. Let’s just light that light.

Cast a protective circle, since we will be “going places.” Take your light and bless and purify it, to prepare it for time travel. Meditate quietly and be aware that you are in the present, but that your magic has the ability to reach the future and the past. You don’t need to go mentally to the future, and that would be a bad idea anyway. You don’t know where you’re going, you’ve never been there before; so what if you chose the wrong path and lit up the wrong road?

Focus on your light. Give it some peaceful and loving and secure energies. When you are ready, speak these words or something similar:

“This is my guiding light. When I am lost, it will show me the way. When I need help, it will point me in the right direction. This light exists before me and ahead of me. It radiates out to me. It brings peace and security to the path that is right for my soul.”

Meditate with the light and with your feelings (or desired feelings) of peace and security for the future. Imagine that the light “skips” ahead by several weeks or days or months, shining back and carefully guiding you through the winding snowy roads of life. Allow the light to burn for as long as you like. Once the spell is cast, it will exist for ages. But repeat this spell whenever you mentally would like those same feelings of security again.

Tarot Meditation

Tarot, when pulled randomly in a spread, is a powerful tool for divination. When the cards are selected and placed in to a spread, it is a powerful tool for manifestation magic.

Take your #17 Star card, or any card which represents destiny, future, and hope. Meditate on this card and what it would mean for you to have a positive, happy future. Your future should NOT be what others expect from you. It should not be what you expect from yourself. Release expectations, release burdens. Let it all go. Breathe in, exhale all that garbage, and focus on what truly will make you happy in your future. When you are ready, place the Star or equivalent card at the top of your work space table.

Take your 8 of Swords card, or any card which represents being lost, blindness, and confusion. Sometimes it is normal to be in these negative states, but for you it is no longer normal. For you, it has become a real maze, a trap that has bound you that you can’t find a way out of. So reverse this card. Place it two spaces underneath the Star (leave room for a card between these two).

Finally, search your deck for two cards: The #10 Wheel of Fortune, or another card which means change. And, a card which represents what will bring you out of the 8 of Swords maze. Could that card for you be focus and direction? Could it be happiness, support, healing, wellness? What card will elevate you the most? At this phase of the spell, going through the deck itself is a meditation. Consider each of the 75 remaining cards carefully and pull any card which seems promising. Truly ask yourself what will bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

Take the Wheel of Fortune or equivalent card and place it between the Star and the 8 of Swords. Now the spell has really started cooking. Say or think something like this:

“Universe, Deep Self, listen up! It is time for you to hear me. Look at the Star, this is our future*. This is what we want for ourselves. [Speak about your goals for the future.]

Look at where we are now, though. Trapped and confused. [Speak about your current quandaries.]

But look! The gears of change are in motion. [Focus on the Wheel of Fortune.] I know the fates will change in my future, even as I speak the Fates are weaving a better future.

Here is an important message. [Place your special card on top of the reversed 8 of Swords.] This is my Power Card. This is what I am going to focus on. Please bring me the blessings of this card to help liberate me from this place and put me on the right track to my future.”

Now, meditate on how the blessings you have asked for could help you, elevate you, and bring you closer to your desired future. When you are ready, take your 8 of Swords card. Hold it up in the air, or place it in a special place away from the spread. Say or think, “I am done with this. I release my personal maze. I release my personal confusion. I am moving on.” There is a chance you will not be able to say these words, because it seems very “wrong” to you. If it seems wrong, do not force it, and send me a message. Just let that last part go :)

Spend another moment and consider your new spread, a blessing which takes motion to improve your future. When you are feeling confident, happy, and hopeful, put your cards away and go eat some pasta.

In this tarot spell, it is vital you do not pull any cards randomly. This spell is about identifying things about yourself and taking conscious control. Being given cards by the universe is counter to the meaning of this spell.

*If it is a part of your future, it is a part of the universe’s future, too.

I Will Never Abandon Myself

A big part of my current lack of confidence is abuse I have received in the past. However, I have discovered that through magic, changing the past is possible.

Return to a bad memory. Not too bad, just a little bad one. Something embarrassing maybe, or something rude that was said to you. Watch the memory start to play out, then as soon as the bad thing happens, step in. You can’t stop the bad thing from happening, I’m afraid. But you can change the outcome.

So step in to your memory and change the outcome. Be there for yourself. “Fuck you for laughing at me when I talked during the staff meeting. That was rude, that was unacceptable. You are supposed to be my friend. I do not allow that kind of treatment to myself.” Then turn around and give your past self a hug, and let the love flow out of you to your past self.

It will take more than one try, even for a little memory. Changing the past is no easy or simple feat. Whenever a bad memory comes to you, don’t try to ignore it. Step in. Take weapons with you. Take a shotgun if you need to. Deliver spiritual justice to the people who hurt you – and as you do, their memories of the event will become more and more guilty. And as you do, your memories of this event will become more and more calm and healed.

Just as a warning, if you start altering the past, weird shit will happen. You will return to a memory, and suddenly realize you aren’t the only person present – your other past or future selves are visiting that memory too, to help heal it. Your past or future self may come running to you for a hug at some point to get love when you can freely give it. It was a trip the first time I realized my younger self was traveling to the future to suck up some self-love from present me.

When you are in a dangerous or scary situation, after a while, you will realize you are not alone – you are experiencing yourself there, for you, helping to protect and heal while this event is ongoing. And you can stand confident and strong, knowing that you at your best is here to defend you.

Finally, when you are feeling your worst, think about yourself in 20, 30, or 40 years. When you have your shit together. When your life is complete, when you are happy and whole, when you have ‘made it’. And imagine you go to the future, and knock on that door, and ask Grandma or Grandpa or Grandex you to come out and give you some love. And you know what, they WILL come. They will open the door and give you the biggest and most beautiful hug, and say hey, I’m here for you. I never left you. I am you and I love you no matter what, young hurting me. Come in and have some cookies and let me take the pressure off for a while.

My only advice is to only take love from the future. Don’t start taking other things. That will fuck up your timeline. Be safe and smart.

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NPD - Divorce - What to Expect Part 2

More of what to expect when you divorce someone with malignant NPD.

1. Smear Campaign - narcissists react violently, with rage and vindictiveness when confronted with their failures or if their demands are not instantly acquiesced to. Expect the narcissist to launch a campaign of bad press against you to your family, friends and anyone who will listen. They will do everything in their power to make you out to be the abusive one, while they are the victim of your mistreatment.

This will feel like a battle of “I said, they said” but only if you choose to participate in the fool’s argument, which is what a smear campaign is all about. Instead simply state that what is being said about you is not true and have full evidence to prove as much legally, then withdraw. Do not speak out against, ill towards or negative about the the narcissist. They will only use it as “proof” that you are the abusive one, and they are the victims. Instead say “I’m sad that they’re acting this way.” and/or “I thought they were a better person than this, beyond doing and saying such publicly hurtful and untrue things.”

If the narcissist is on the lookout for a new victim, and they nearly always are, than all that potential mark sees is someone who is being publicly hurt by the narcissist. They will no doubt think twice about interacting with the narcissist in the future. The narcissist in turn will not get the drama, attention and public traction that they desire.

2. Begging/Pleading - some individual with NPD will take a saccharine approach. They will feign adoration, attention and devotion to you to keep you from leaving, it will feel as if the person you first knew is back. Don’t be fooled, those with NPD, and abusers in general, go through a cycle of idealization and devaluation in order to try to control you.

They will tell you they can’t live with you, that their life is empty, that they need you imperatively in some way or every way. Once they think you’ve taken the bait, they will devalue you, beat you down so you’ll submit and be subservient. For abusers it is all about control and a divorce means they’ve lost control. They can’t bear that and will try to seduce you into staying.

If you choose to stay, which you shouldn’t, they will then extol their great and wonderful magnamity of taking you back when you tried to leave. They will say it’s proof that they truly love you, but all it’s proof of is that they need someone to control and the effort of finding someone new is a lot of work. They will treat you well at first then the abuse will begin again. Don’t let them, go No-Contact.

3. Withdraw/Sudden Reappearance - while some react violently other narcissists play the long game, and temporarily withdraw making you think they are being reasonable and magnanimous. Then they suddenly reappear, all smiles and attention as they were before. They will try to get you to be their “friend” and therefore a source of resources for them.

Guilt trips of “but I loved you”, “I thought we meant something” and “Can’t we be friends? Haven’t you moved on?” will be rampant. Expect a great deal of gaslighting too when you bring up their past bad behavior. They’ll say that you misunderstood, are misremembering or are purposefully misinterpreting their past actions to vilify them.

All of this is to gain access to you, your resources, your attention. If they can’t keep you as a spouse they’ll try to keep you as a “friend” they can abuse, misuse and mistreat. Any relationship, they feel, is a win and proof that they have control over you and your life.

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Do this every time you binge.

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Listen to me, they didn’t have to hit you, if your heart felt like it was going to fall apart from pain, if you felt like your life doesn’t matter, if your truth was invalidated and ridiculed, if you felt abandoned, terrified and helpless, if you felt you deserved every bit of pain and like it’s your fault you’re getting hurt, if you felt ashamed, guilty and horrible about yourself, if this kept happening until you couldn’t tell anymore if there was still any value to you, if you felt like less than a human being, then you were abused, you were traumatized.

(via furiousgoldfish)

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Nothing is more hateful than gaslighting and invalidating someone’s pain. Hurting them over and over and making them doubt if it happened, and forcing them to act like it didn’t. Robbing them of clarity in their own mind. Trapping them in self hatred. Scarring their soul.

I’d rather be dead than forced to live like that again. (via furiousgoldfish)

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