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Hi. I'm having a really hard time finding active blogs so if you're one, please reblog this post.

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This quarantine thing has caused me to gain 10 or more pounds. what the fuck i mean seriously can i really not control myself anymore. I had to look at myself on video today and obviously i looked fat and ugly. people are going to see that fucking video and im extremely fat. i was literally suffocating in my jeans. I mean c’mon im a fucking veteran when it comes to this ed stuff, but this, this is just disgusting. fucking reality check fat bitch.

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I want to fuck the charter guy that's in my house lmao

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I dont really want to throw up but I kinda have to right? Oh well time to suffer.

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Wow my school is canceled till may and I'm fucking mind blown. My senior year is so lit lmao I fucking hate school. A little sad though but it feels so good to just not have to go to school even if its online.

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Alright I took a long break and gained, I don't know - maybe ten pounds? The problem with that is my weight stays between this six pound interval. Sadly I stay between 165 and 172. If I go above 172 that means I'm really fucking off. Wellllll I gave myself a two week break and since spring break has also started, I weighed myself finally for the first time in a week, 177. I haven't weighed that much in so long. I'm so fat my jeans are tight even. Guess it's time to get back on the horse and throw up my breakfast right now!

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I started the week (Monday) at 173.8 and ended this morning (Saturday) at 168.5. So I lost 5.3 pounds in five days. Not the best but still good. Hopefully I can weigh in this Monday morning at 166.

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Fuck it three day extreme restriction. Nothing unless i have to. And if I fuck up I'm breaking my fucking hand. Three fucking days.

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Well I just fucking binged. What now? Suicide? No food for a week? And I can't even just throw up or else I fucking would. God dammit I'm so fucking dumb and fat.

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Y'know when you do really good for two days then when you wake up on the third your surprised your not 20 pounds lighter? Haha what the fuck.

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My friend's mom: are you hungry?

Me: no, thank you

Also me, living through the day on coffee and a cigarette:

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Ok after gaining 6 fucking pounds I'm ready to starve again. All of last week and maybe the week before I was stress eating?? Its so weird cause I've never noticed myself doing it but instead of doing my scholarship stuff and preparing for college stuff i was making and eating so much food. So weird. Anyways time to work really fucking hard instead of procrastinating and eating!!!

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Did nothing but eat on this super bowl Sunday!!!! Wow kms!!! *Sigh* I really need to get my shit together. I promise myself I'll end this week at 166. Im guessing I'll be at 172 tomorrow. I promise. I promise. I promise I'll do good this week in every aspect, school, home, socially. I had a terrible week last week and I'm not letting it happen again. I promise myself I will have a good week. No shame for myself.

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I need someone to talk to I have no words for the loss I feel right now. Please give me some advice lmao I dont know what to do

My family all wanted me to apply for this full ride scholarship cause a couple of them got it. And so I did and I wanted to y'know so I could not be in debt forever lmao. Anyways I never heard anything back from it and the semi-finalists application deadline passed two or three weeks ago and I dont know if I wasn't chosen for it or missed something. I wasnt relying on it and I didn't get my hopes up too much I'm just worried about my family. I know they are gonna ask about it and I dont know what to fucking say... like oh yeah I never heard anything back and they're gonna question if I did something wrong. And I dont know maybe I did. I was qualified for it perfectly. I never got any emails or notifications, I kept checking and nothing. I'd be fine if I wasnt chosen cause like oof just take the L y'know apply for some more I guess but my family is gonna be like wtf and make a big deal out of it I feel like. Ughhhh guess I'll try to apply to a bunch more cause I dont know what to fucking do. I dont know how scholarships workkkkk is this normal.

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I've been losing and gaining the same 10 pounds for 2 years. I lost 60 pounds and I 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal weight. How can I lose these last 20 pounds. Why, why, why can't I do it. Am I just not trying hard enough? Do I not care enough? Guess i just need to work a lot harder...