so-ive-been-thinking-that

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

it’s hard to be mad at myself about this whole situation. it was stupid, i was certainly stupid, and selfish, but like. those feelings were real and valid and strong as hell. you live and you learn.

yeah i wish it hadn’t cost me a friendship. but, and maybe this is just me trying to make myself feel better, i feel like we would’ve drifted apart after graduation anyways. maybe even during senior year (ultimate don’t get me started topic). so there’s that. and also- it was definitely the proximity.

we’ll it’s been a bit since i’ve posted here. but i have another crush and idk if i want to write this all in my journal cause then it feels…too real. but yeah. she’s one of my best friends. we’ve gotten really close the past few months/during senior year. i’m pretty sure she’s straight but that’s just the heteronormativity speaking. we talked about past relationships a little yesterday and she said she’s never been in a serious relationship. and there’s a guy here at school that she thinks is cute but he sends mixed signals.

but recently i’ve been thinking of her like 24/7. missing her the second we part. i think she’s hot but i’m not even that horny. like i want to kiss her and hold her hand but that’s really all. i’d be happy with more don’t get me wrong but yaknow?

but this has kind of come up suddenly. like we’ve known each other for 3 years and been decent friends for most of that but all of a sudden..idk. and we spend a lot of time together between practice and studying so i can’t tell if i feel like this just because of that? because i spend so much of my time with her? or like.

and part of me is worried that i’m not as good as a friend to her as she is to me cause i have shit memory even though i really do care. and even if somehow i asked her out and she said yes could i be a good partner? and how would we navigate living across the atlantic come graduation in may? i already get jealous seeing her talk to other people, like just literally talking, or doing fun things with other friends. which i hate cause wtf right do i have to feel like that regardless of our relationship? fuck me bro

but it’s kinda killing me and i feel like i need to get it off my chest and just admit it to her and just expect a no. but i realllyy don’t want to make our friendship weird or worse. it’ll change, sure but i want to remain friends and i don’t want her to hold/pull back because she feels a certain way about how i feel or whatever.

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

god i wish i could hug her one more time. i was worried she was going to show up the other night. not because i didn’t want to see her. it’s all i want in the world. but it would hurt too much. it would give me enough false hope to hang on to the idea of her for another 6 months. i’m so close to forgetting. but i just can’t unfollow, unfriend, delete her number.

i wish there was a way to know when you’re in the midst of the good times. i would’ve savored the summer so much more if i had ever thought it wouldn’t last forever. and how naive am i for thinking such? but every day was so fun, in retrospect anyways, that i didn’t even consider holding those times close to my heart because they may not last. but you live and you learn. this last week was one of those times though. a week i hope to look back fondly on decades down the road. but i don’t think life right now otherwise is going to become the good ole days. maybe when i make another friend or two. but for now its just life. nothing extremely good or bad. just chugging along

going over at 8:30 to watch rupaul but after an episode and a half, and a walk in the cold darkness of night to the liquor store, we’re just talking. i lean my head on your shoulder, then wrap my hand around your arm. eventually i lay my head on your lap and just listen. i tell you how you don’t have to stay in a relationship just because you feel obligated but that i also understand why you might and why it is harder to internalize that fact than it is to just say it.

we talk about some recent stuff with friends that’s been going on then move onto past relationships. i don’t mind the 3x5ft pride flag hanging on your bathroom door as you once again mention your heterosexuality. i fully believe you but i wish it weren’t so. i joke that maybe after what this boy has put you through you should fuck around and find out.

at some point we move back to the couch; the counter was only so comfortable and i preferred not to think about wrapping my legs around your waist, grabbing your face and kissing that bottom lip of yours. i tell you about my smoking shenanigans and you tell me some of your own. my bladder is full but between the time on my phone and the yawns between us i know that my rising will be the perfect time to excuse yourself to bed. so i hold out. i get the feeling that you’re ready for bed but don’t feel like you’re necessarily in a rush to send me home. but home is where i’m going tonight. can’t stay here. and so eventually i get up and, to address any uncertainty i pick up a little bit on my way to the bathroom. when i come out i sit back down on the couch, just in case you had come up with some more conversation we should have tonight. but as expected you took the opportunity to announce your retirement for the night.

i try to make the goodbye hug last forever, somehow. you comment on how small i am. i just think about how i could live in your embrace. i squeeze a little tighter and then the hug ends. i savor the fleeting ‘aw’ you utter as we let go. i wish i could stay forever. in this moment. but time marches on. and you can’t choose who you love anymore than one can choose their sexuality. but one can wish.

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

already wrote about it in my journal but i had a 3 hour brunch with lisa and it was so good for my soul. i guess i keep writing about it because i don’t want to forget it. i mean ive already lost a lot of the exact words we said. but remembering the gist of it and especially the way it made me feel. seen. understood. not judged at all even if there’s disagreement. safe. like things are going to be okay. like i’m worthy and valuable and capable. like i have a(nother) friend.

im so glad she was able to have time to sit. and im really thankful she stayed for as long as she did. i don’t know if she genuinely didn’t have anywhere else to be or if she decided that our time was more important than the other things in the moment. but either way im grateful. i feel like she sees through all my bullshit. understands me in a way no one else does. not that no one gets me as intimately as she does. just not in the same way as her.

i forget that though i assume mom knows everything about me 1) she doesn’t and 2) but she kind of does have a sense of it all. but i can talk to lisa in a way that i can’t talk to mom. maybe it’s harsh, or not quite the right way to say it, but i think it’s because if lisa ends up leaving or disagreeing beyond agreement it doesn’t matter to me. not that it wouldn’t hurt like hell. but moms my mom. i can make friends with other older women or people in general. i only get one mom. so there’s a level of vulnerability im willing to have with someone like lisa that im not yet able to / comfortable having with mom. i’m closer to it with dad. i don’t know why. he’s softened up quite a bit in the last 10-15 years. mom continues to sweep things under the rug / not talk about things.

i actually had not one but 2 very vulnerable conversations with dad this week while i was home. the first one he was very present in and reassuring but still kept things simple. maybe i caught him off guard a little. maybe not completely, but a little. the second time he didn’t really seem as involved. maybe it was the timing. maybe he didn’t want to get emotional. maybe he was brushing off what i was saying as the same anxieties from the day before ie felt as though we had already covered those things. but it was still a hard conversation for me to start. but i did it. and i felt better after it. and both times mom came home at the end and i promptly washed my face to try to hide the tears. i don’t know if it worked. probably not. but she didn’t ask any questions. to me anyways. idk if she asked dad why i looked like i had been crying. i’m sure if she did he would’ve told her. not sure how much detail he would’ve given. how intentional he would’ve been about level of detail vs just saying an amount he figured was enough. but if all those possibilities aligned then mom still hasn’t let on to me that they did ie hasn’t asked me if i’m ok or about work or anything. so. anyways. back to lisa

i didn’t mean for this post to be so long. i just wanted to log this experience to give it some permanence somewhere. feeling seen so powerfully by someone. maybe that brunch was a religious experience after all.

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

she touched my hair twice and rejected me once, i’ll take what i can get

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

dreamt about hanging out with her lowkey flirting, woke up just enough to realize i was in a dream, tried to go back n kiss her but the dream went away :((

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

soo i downloaded grindr bc im visiting a city for a week. set up 2 in one day. had a lot of fun…first one was hot and hung and so nice and did i say hot? second one was much bigger than i expected- as in, very tall and broad. not a bad thing at all, but can’t say it was what i was going in for. very nice guy…said sum a lil misogynistic but i’ll never see him again so didn’t really say anything about that. but also said ‘love you’ which was ummmm. and also before that said i reminded him exactly of the last person he fell for. so. idk

after the first one i felt super satisfied, whole body pleasure. not just purely sexually but like. just radiant? not to be dramatic.

but after the second one i felt like i could throw up. didn’t, but just. drove home in silence. felt almost a little shaken. like…i felt very safe and even had fun and stuff but. it just wasn’t the same. i think partly the unexpected looks and partly because i am not a promiscuous person like at all so. in the back of my head i think i was going, what am i doing? knowing that this typa behavior can be considered self harm depending on the situation/reason/etc.

kinda wanted to make the first one my boyfriend but after number 2 i got over him rq so there’s that i guess.

tldr; don’t have hookups too close together. for physical/sexual health reasons and also mental health reasons

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

when she ran her fingers through my hair on the back of my head 🤭🤤🤤

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

i did touch her tits though and got lots of hugs and rested my head on her chest and got to feel her embrace again

i just keep thinking about when we were kissing each others cheeks but on the last kiss i caught a corner of her lips. i don’t know if she felt it or thought anything about it but personally it made my desire to make out with her 10 fold. i just need to taste her so bad and to suck on those fat lips until she moans directly into my mouth

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

i just keep thinking about when we were kissing each others cheeks but on the last kiss i caught a corner of her lips. i don’t know if she felt it or thought anything about it but personally it made my desire to make out with her 10 fold. i just need to taste her so bad and to suck on those fat lips until she moans directly into my mouth

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

she also told me she didn’t technically identify as a lesbian but that she thought pussy tasted great

when i decided to go out for just her but turns out everyone was there and i had a great night :)) and i had a hot 46yo w her tits out calling me hot and saying to back away or else she’d kiss me and also i definitely was kissing tk’s cheek and got a lil corner of her lips and got to dance w sk and kiss her neck and cheeks lots and got to touch some ass and tits

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

when i decided to go out for just her but turns out everyone was there and i had a great night :)) and i had a hot 46yo w her tits out calling me hot and saying to back away or else she’d kiss me and also i definitely was kissing tk’s cheek and got a lil corner of her lips and got to dance w sk and kiss her neck and cheeks lots and got to touch some ass and tits

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

had a really good night. got to hang with her, and see/celebrate a friend i haven’t seen in 4 months. had some alone time w her, we talked like we hadn’t skipped a beat, like as if it hasn’t been 2 months of basically no contact despite her living 10 minutes away. had some drinks, somehow only spent $20 despite my efforts to venmo someone my part. but everyone opened their own tab and bought one or 2 rounds and i didn’t know them and the one that i talked to was like. girl just enjoy your night we all paying willingly.

only thought about making out with her like 60% of the time. only had anxiety about talking too much, as i do when i get 1.5-2 drinks in me, like 40% of the time. got a few pics. laughed a lot. got to see our friend smile a real grin.

got a ride home from my … new friend? fling thing? who knows. kinda wanted to kiss her but im it’s just cuz i wanted to kiss anyone. wish i lived further away from the bar so we could’ve talked more. but we texted a bit once i got home. but now it’s 2 am and she’s going to sleep. as i should have a while ago.

anyways idk i guess that’s it. got to see 3 people that made me smile for 3 different reasons. life is alright. i’ll be okay. and if you’re reading this. you’ll be okay too <3

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

i watched her make herself cum and then i kissed her on the lips in my dream last night and now im about to see her for the first time in 10 weeks after thinking about fucking her and eating her out all day god fucking damn it

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

and i shouldn’t even want to give her anything bc she doesn’t give me shit. never texts first, hardly responds when i text first. which is getting harder and harder to do the longer i feel like im getting nothing but a broken heart out of this relationship. always seems so happy to talk, says she misses me. yet never has time to send a hey much less actually hang out. flakes.

idk i’m just in a mood about her. bc i think about her all the time and miss her but also. i wish i could be as indifferent about her as she seems to be about me. like how she told me she was hosting a party tonight but then never thought to invite me before or after mentioning that. and tbf it’s not at her house but, if she’s a host and not a guest. then i feel like it wouldn’t be rude at all for her to extend an invitation.

i could simultaneously say so much more and yet nothing. there’s nothing else to say other than i’m just fucking hurting myself by keeping her in my phone and my head and i wish i could just forget about her.

i just want to give her the world but it’s not mine to give to her

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

when she texts me even though she’s busy….im in trouble

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

i just want to give her the world but it’s not mine to give to her

[so-ive-been-thinking-that]

kinda starting to hate myself for being so caught up on her. i just want to be normal friends with girls but i can’t hardly remember the last girl i was close with that i didn’t want more from.

can’t have normal girlfriends. can’t hang with the boys because they see me as a girl so they act different. don’t have any gay friends around.

idk fuck