snazzymgsreference

[snazzymgsreference]

I had a dream several years ago where i spent the best afternoon of my life with what i can only assume is my physical manifestation of death.

She was wearing the traditional "death" attire. Pitch black robes. No scythe though. She was shorter. Had a really sweet smile. Blond hair. And beautiful blue eyes. She looked like a genuine angel.

We didnt...do much. She took me by the hand and showed me around this barren empty suburban neighborhood. We laid down in her back yard snd we just watched fireworks go off overhead. Holding hands and talking about stuff i dont remember.

She eventually turned to me and told me that she was proud of me. That she was watching and rooting me on. Even if i didnt think she was watching.

I asked her name and she told me i wouldnt remember and that she'd just reintroduce herself when i finally got there for real.

I firmly believe that was my soul mate. That she passed on before me and is just waiting for me to join her. I think of her often. Especially when the dark clpuds begin flowing over my brain. She's normally a beacon of hope. Keep pushing through. Keep fighting on. I want her to continue being proud of me.

I just. Need her comfort. I want to go back there and spend the rest of eternity in her arms.

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i miss the golden years. I should have just quit and got a life once you did. My biggest mistake was staying and hoping you'd come back.

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i hate how upset this is making me. i really fucking do. Its cringe and it shouldnt fucking matter. None of this matters. fucking none of it. im a trashy shitty individual. And i caught feelings when i shouldn't have. Yeah great. Awesome. Cool. I'm happy for you two i really am. But christ man. Im in agony over here.

It explains the distance. It explains pretty much all of it. And i have no one to talk to about the situation bevause of how fucking stupid it is. Like come on really? Why am i so torn up about this. Why is it effecting me so negatively?

I feel physically ill. Why is anguish the only emotion i can reasonably feel? Why do all other emotions feel muted and dulled than they're supposed to. Yet the only feeling i know is true and true is. Well. This?

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I want to die. This is a cry for help. I want to drive across the country in one final road trip. Make it out to like. Montana or somewhere. Disappear into the woods with my gun. And just..never return. Absolutely nothing would change.

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i just want to crawl away and hide so no one has to see my shame. No one has to ever look at me again or ever hear me say anything. or ever read anything i write.

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Whelp there it is. im not surprised. On the contrary. Was kind of expecting it. Ever since you started growing distant. You wouldnt ever fucking talk to me anymore. I felt side lined and shoved off to the edge even when you werent doing anything.

Its just. Me. Its always been me.

My fault. Im the one who somehow fucks it all up. And now am i not omly "that guy" you all avoid. But im now the cringe orbiter. I just. Fucking hate it so much. I hate not being there too. I hate being so isolated. How do i be the center? How do i become the person that people actually want to spend time with me. When will i stop being a chore. Please. I dont know how much longer i can take this. how many more times i can go through this

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i cant keep doing this. why am i so miserable and isolated. i just got the job offer of a life time. I got a huge promotion that i have been eagerly waiting for all year. Yet nothing changes. In fact i somehow feel worse than before.

I just want it all to end

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whats the fucking point

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Why do I keep returning to wow?

Every time i do i become miserable. I see the people i left behind. Theyve moved on and found other people. I meet new people and circles which are difficult to "fit in" with. Its only temporary of course. Because the cycle will repeat.

I'll eventually grow so tired of forcing to fit in until I end up leaving the game again and move back on to real life. Back on to playing other games. But wow always drags me back when ever the slightest hint of lonliness becomes too much to bear.

It makes no sense. Why do i sit there and watch these people and their crowds of yes men witb envy? I would hate that. I would hate the constant neediness for attention. I would hate to have to split my time up in order to satisfy rping and hanging out with multiple individuals at any given time.

Yet at the same time i would love it so much. It makes no sense.

The endless cycle began when the first friend group drifted apart. How ever many years ago it was. They all left and i was the only one still playing wow. Still rping. All of our rp hooks and storylines were suddenly dead in the water and i had nothing. What did i do then? Surely quit, no? That would have been the logical thing. No.

I stayed. And i have continued to stay ever since. Always seeking. Always searching to find more like minded individuals to hang around with. And its impossible to do. Partially due to my own faults. Partially due to the fact that its impossible to just slide into an already established clique and restore what was once lost. No, it most assuradly is impossible. You cant scavange the past. And i should drop it all and just move on with my life. But i dont know why i cant just leave it well enough alone.

This pattern with wow has a similar parallel with real life and how i treat friend groups there. Its startling really. Being a military brat we licked up and moved constantly. The most "tragic" of moves happened during my "prime years" of high school. I had a steady girlfriend. Someone who loved me. Someone who i loved. I had an apprenticeship with an established electrician. A solid friend group. And suddenly gone. Taken away in a day. They drifted apart. Got their own lives. While i was trying to insert myself into friend groups in senior year of highschool. Impossible to do, really.

That wasnt the first. And it wasnt ths last. Alas the life of a nomad. But the thing is. Now thst my father has retired. And i am now no longer in. We are settled. In a location where i am just within arms length of my old life. I am able to peer back to what once was. Watch as my old friends who i no longer talk to get married. Get kids. Buy houses. Ect. And here i am. In a new location by myself. No friends. Nothing for me outside.

I have now lived in this stste for almost 3 years and have not yet made a single meaningful friendship.

I guess i have to go. The boomer has arrived and he is eager to share his meaningless stories to this shell. Even as i am typing these last lines. His worthless tales fall upon deaf ears. He cares not. He speaks anyway.

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What is versatility?

I certainly dont know. But its used to describe me as an individual a lot. I mean. Like the real me. The flesh made breathing me. Not the internet persona me or what ever. Everyone in life has called me versatile. Strong willed. Determined. A facade to be sure. A mask. Something that comes naturally. But how? Why? Where did this mask come from. How did it become associated with me? I've not a clue.

What is there left when the facade shatters and the truth is revealed. My willpower is gone. The cracks in the mask are breaking. And eventually those who know me will see that there really was nothing there to begin with. It was all made up. Pretend. What will they think of me then? A broken man burdened with past mistakes and conflicts. One who has no will to move on. But i do.

To what end? Why do i continue on like this? What is keeping me movjng? Its like clockwork. And i dont understand. My inner strength died years ago and yet here I am. Out of nothing but pure spite.

No I' not going to submit. I wont let the storm take me under. The easy way out is underneath my couch. One in the chamber ready to go when ever its call is too much.

The funny thing is. Ive never felt it calling. Despite it all. The shame and agony i felt during my last few months in the military. The horrible feeling of all my peers looking down on me. Judging me. They knew. My supervision saw through the cracks and saw nothing there. They knew i wouldnt last much longer and kicked me out to the curb. Im incompetent. Lazy. I dont care. My emotions are muted to the point where one of my supervisors asked me "do you feel anything at all? Youre not reacting normally to any of this."

What did you want me to do? Break down and cry while you were all screaming at me for fucking up an oil change? Yeah right. Weakness was not something i was going to show. And i have had it driven into my head that emotions are weak. I know they arent. Logically speaking. But it goes past my logic. Past everything. Its a part of my very core now. I dont show how i truly feel. For then the worst is possible.

"Theyll know"

Despite everhthing ive been through thus far. I havent felt it calling to me. Which is surprising honestly. The main reason my parents wer eviolently against me acquiring a ticket like that is due to the fact that they feared that i might snap and listen to the sirens call. And i desperately want to hear it sometimes.

But i dont. I thought itd be a greater burden. Even under everything. I thought id wake up to the night and hear it whispering my name. But so far. Nothing. Is that what inner strength is? Is that versatility? Being unable to hear the false whispers of the vast emptiness that awaits us all? Pushing through even thoufg every fiber your being cries out in agony. "Im tired"

But what of my instance? Where im eagerly awaiting to hear it? "Passive aggressive" they called it. As if it is a bad thing to not fear what comes after this is all said and done.

But regardless I move onward. And once again i beg the question. To what end? Why does my body and mind keep pushing me forward when my soul yearns for rest?

Eh who knows who cares i guess. Maybe ill figure it out after i get some sleep. Night shift is a bitch.

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I dont know how everyone does it. They put so much effort and energy into things. I just dont have the emotional or mental energy. Everything just slides out of my grasp without me realizing it until its too late.

Relationships. Friendships. Life opportunities. Its all gone in the blink of an eye. And i dont ever realize what i truly have until its gone.

My brain constantly tells me to shut up. Stop talking. These people only barely tolerate you. And then oh how wonderful of a feeling it is when im right. Finally validation that my self destructive tendencies have erected a wall so thick that people scarcely penetrate it. Well it seems like that.

I put off the aura that i dont care. That im apathetic. But inside im screaming. Crawling with agony. Im in a constant mixture of extreme emotions both positive and negative. But why would i let anyone know that? Why am i saying any of this now on here?

Because no one will know. No one is going to find this post. No one is going to find this shitty blog. So i can just sit here and scream into the void. I do care. All those moments when people come to me looki g for affection or attention. All those times i subconsciously willed them away. I dont know why i do it i just do. I want you to know. All of you to know that i do care. I just dont know how to express it. I dont know how to open up and say with my heart and with my mind. That i do care. And i want you around.

Loved ones that i used to hold dear. My apathetic nature drove you away to the point where i let you go. Not for my sake but for yours. And youve moved on. Which is fine. Far better than the alternative, truly.

Same with friends. I ignored and put off meeting and talking with you until the wedge was so deep that we had nothing in common. You found someone else to talk to. Someone who eould treat you better and outwardly enjoy your company. Again, better than the alternative.

And that brings me to todays...dump i guess. Ive isolated myself yet again. To the point where i have no one to talk to. Theyve all moved on once again to find people who will engage. Someone who isnt so apathetic. Someone genuine. And i am left wanting. Needing. Looking onwards. I dont want to approach. I dont want to say anything. I sit back and let it run its course because at the end of the day. The happiness of others is far more important than my own.

But then again am i just projecting? Am i just trying to rationalize my own toxicity? Am i genuinely that terrible of a person? Ive been called toxic in the past. I initially thought it was just a throw away word because these days everything is toxic. Words hardly mean anything amymore due to over saturation. I never thought much on it.

But now im sitting here in my isolation. Wondering. Am i a bad person? How do i know? How can i change? What went wrong?

Am i just being pretentious? See even writing this post i hate every aspect of it. Its all just a straight dump from my brain at this moment. A snapshot of this current moment. Of this current state of mind. I will 100% look at rhis in five minutes and hate it to the point of deleting it. But i wont. I guess. Archival purposes. Perhaps one day i can look back on it all and find some pattern or something of meaning. Maybe itll all just be a bad memory in the future that i can look back at and laugh.

I doubt it.

Everything i create. Everything i say, do, think. Its all is shit. Theres no reason to this. No method to the madness. The only place any of this bullshit belongs is in the vast emptiness of the internet. Where no one will truly ever find this garbage. Let it rest here. And never find light.

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