snake-and-apples

[snake-and-apples]

Time has gone between us

The distance has become great

Thoughts of you begin to dissipate

I begin to feel more free from you

Your grasp on me has weakened

Breaking free has been my dream

Can it finally becoming my reality

I watch you from the distance

Seeing how your life is from afar

It’s no surprise the darkness I see

Surrounding you and all that you do

Your choices you made for yourself

Has made your cage of sadness

Where you must stay to dwell

There is nothing that I can to help

For you are the only one you can save

You only need to acknowledge your wrongs

And so right to those left in your quake

Hard as it may seem to admit the wrongs

It’s harder living the path you have yourself

Stand and fight for you as you are all you have

[snake-and-apples]

Days that are long go by so quickly.

The sun sets before my work is done.

The night sky illuminates the horizon,

Still going, working all through the night.

My body is quickly tiring out on me,

No matter how much rest or sleep I get.

Waking from a full nights rest I moan,

Why do you wake me before the morning sun.

[snake-and-apples]

Patty,

I will forever miss you. I am so sorry I wasn’t able to help you the way you needed me to. I wish you had the strength to walk away from him, but I always understood the battle you had within. Rest in peace.

[snake-and-apples]

Why do you think you still have a hold on me?

Cause you don’t.

[snake-and-apples]

That is you flirting, you're right. Didn't you tell me yesterday that you love me? I am wishing upon heaven and hell that you don't move back here. I don't want to get mixed up with you again. You create unnecessary chaos and drama that I really don't need right now. I definitely don't need this shit with you. You always have to have one on hold, don't you, just in case? You're so horrible of a human being you can't even look at yourself in the mirror with admiration, can you? You know the truths to your lies, I bet you do!

You may not realize just how much you give away over a time period. Tiny bits of truths come out with each new slightly different version of your stories. You're also a creature of habit and thus have become easily predictable to me. I know what you will do before you do based on any outcome of a situation you come across. Happy, sad, angry, depressed, or whatever mood you may be in on any given day.

I don't want you here at all. I want you to leave our daughter alone, she has told me she doesn't really like you cause you yell too much. That's what she remembers from her trip to Kentucky, congratulations. She is a very smart little girl, she knows and understands way more that a child her should be capable of. She is witty and sassy too. She is a force to be reckoned with and I'm not sure you can with her yet. At least not without demoralizing and tearing her down to get your win. You will ruin and destroy her with how you are with people. Whether you see it or not, you're poison to anyone who gets close to you. You change into your true self behind those closed doors where no one else can see the real you. That's where the mask you hold up comes down and then you begin to feed upon your victim. You slowly degrade a person by trying to make them believe in your lies then you treat them like their crazy for questioning your word. All of sudden the person is too emotional according to you. When in fact the person is emotionally in the right but you make them feel wrong anyways.

You deceive manipulate, and scheme against a person too. You create impossible standards to a person to follow but don't apply to you. This creates failure for you to use against that person cause you knew they couldn't adhere to your extremity of standards. So now you have new ammo against them, you can say they aren't honest or loyal, or they don't love you due to such failure.

You really are a text book Narcissist. Ugh! Leave us alone and don't move here. You're not wanted by anyone here. You're also not welcomed at camp either. Find somewhere new if you so move back. You shouldn't have lied to them about me and perhaps you should have treated them better after you left.. you know instead of putting them and me down the way you did. You sug your own hole on that one. We are people and we have feelings that usually formulate into our opinions about you.

All done venting, just don't.

[snake-and-apples]

What a crock of bullshit! You like to twist the narrative in your favor always, you never tell the whole truth to any event that happens in your life!

Yep I smashed that guitar! Remember why? You smashed my guitar while you storming out for no damn reason, all in spite of an argument you and I had that you were obviously not getting your way in and like a child you threw a fit and smashed my guitar on your way out of the apartment. My guitar!!! Let's add the fact that by this time I was so over letting you continue to destroy my things without consequences and as the saying goes, an eye for an eye equals a guitar for a guitar.

You destroyed everything that I cared for back then, and you continue to try to do so still today. You wonder why I am the way I am with "our" daughter? Look at the track record! I won't allow you to destroy her just to get at me. She isn't a tool to use against me at your disposal. The shit you tell her and do to her will fuck her up the way you were fucked up as a kid. She deserves better than what you offer her. She is stable, cared for, and surrounded by people who love and accept her the way she is. She doesn't need real life lessons from an absentee father who all of the sudden after 5 years of rejecting her wants to show her the hard lessons of life at 5 years old.

You have allowed her to get hurt and stood by doing nothing but bitching at me for being a mom to her. You already have made attempts to undermine my authority and decisions that I've made for her by telling her that I'm not good enough to make such decisions or not qualified to do this or that for her. She doesn't need that kind of shit thrown at her to make her feel some kind of way about herself or create any negative thoughts or feelings of her mother by your poor choice of words you choose to speak to her. You clearly have no idea what being. Parent is all about. It's about the child's well being and best interest, not about what you want or need from her. You're suppose to give yourself to her unconditionally without accomodations to whatever agenda you may have.

Every time I learn something new of you it is always in a negative aspect and it sickens me to pieces that I let you get so close to me even still recently. I can't hold on to you anymore, hoping that somewhere you may actually love me when you it's obviously you never did. You don't know what love is at all. You create requirements for your love, standards so ridiculously high and one sided that no one can ever truly achieve. You don't his so it creates ammunition against the person thus giving you an excuse, reason, and/or victimization card to use for yourself.

Disgusting. Sociopath for sure, no doubt. You love toying with people, manipulation, deceiving, and twisting truths into lies to benefit you. So I'm done! Done with you for good. You want rights to Millie, come take me to court here in Colorado! I'm sure the courts will overlook your current warrants for several domestic violence cases with different woman, your felony charges of aggravated assault against me along with grand auto theft. The other assault charges you accumulated while living here in colorado to other people. Your drug history recorded by the police and courts, your lack of involvement over the last 5 years including lack of child support paid for being her father. Tye psychological review I will require of you to do in hopes you would use to get the help you need to get to better.

You're a broken man and refuse to seek help to piece yourself together properly. Our daughter doesn't need a broken man as father, she needs a loving, understanding, and supportive father, the one you can't give her.

Stay away from us, just move on with your life and go destroy some other girl's life with your offspring And abusive ways. I won't let you hurt her. So yeah, you want her in your life, you have to go through me to get to her. Good luck to you and best wishes.... Somewhere else anyways.

[snake-and-apples]

What am I caught up in?!?!

So I have a reason to be so afraid?!?

Where did he go? Why did he leave me?

You weren’t at the spot to meet at!

Why?! I’m so lost right now.

I don’t know what to do or where to go.

I keep going back to the apartment.

You’re still not there. I’m alone…

Alone again.

[snake-and-apples]

The world we choose to live in is by own doing. The chaos we allow into our lives is by our acceptance. So when we become overwhelmed and overtaken by the complexities in our lives, we have to look inward to find the key to all there undoings.

Why do we chose to live in a world where we have to sacrifice so much of ourselves just to exist in it. For example, I chose to sacrifice having m children with me at all times in return to not have to live with my soon-to-be ex husband. His changing demeanor on life was way too much for me to handle, along with his choices of behaviors that created a toxic living environment for all that lives with him. The abuse he projected towards me by his anger, words, and actions towards me created heated arguments and resentment. I could no longer take the daily negativity he projected at me and left the day he decided to throw my stuff in the apartment complex’s dumpsters. That was my final straw, I had enough.

Knowing I had no where to go and no place I could take my littles to that was safe and structured, I decided to leave them behind with my ex husband, a choice I’m still not sure if it was the correct choice at the time, but is made. It’s been a year now and my children are shadows of who they used to be. They now bicker, shout, and give no qualms of others. My daughter who is ADHD, struggles with her condition and my ex only makes her struggles harder on her. He refuses to research her condition and change his ways to help her and potentially help him. He is now creating negative emotions within her that will one day lead to self esteem issues for her. I’ve tried explaining all this, care he does not. My youngest who allergic to dogs, peanuts, soy, cashews, and more, is 3 years old and struggles to walk, bend, get up and down due to his body being swollen cause of the dog in the house. My ex doesn’t care to restrict the animal to certain location or proper care to help my son. He doesn’t even give care to help heal my son’s body. So now what should be my thriving 3 year old, moves like he is a 90 year old man and cannot even sit or stand without help.

So you see, my children both have paid a price for the choice I made almost a year ago. Not knowing this would be the outcome, did I make the right choice? I’m still not so sure, but know that what’s done cannot be undone. It breaks my heart so much to know now that my trusting a man who claimed to love my children would choose to poorly care for them the way he has done. They starve for attention, love, and positivity in their lives. They bore of not having interactions with people and always being stuck inside and never getting to go out into the world.

So tell me, did I make the right Choice? I’m not so sure anymore.

[snake-and-apples]

I miss you terribly, I wish you would stop haunting my dreams while I sleep. I can’t with you anymore, I just can’t be with someone who does the kinds of the things you do to me. I don’t deserve it, I’m still mad at you, and I wish you’d leave me alone.

You think I should feel lucky to even get to talk to you?!?!? Fool, you’re lucky you ever got with me! Tell me that shit. I don’t want to talk to you, I’m done! Can’t you see that with me? I don’t want to fly to go see you, I don’t want you to message me you’re jokingly insulting messages, I don’t want you playing victim trying to say I was the abuser! I don’t need anyone in my life who would try to rent out my car behind my back while I was out town and I don’t need someone who after all I put into you, wants to try and tell me that your not what I wanted. That I couldn’t handle you in a relationship?!? Your ideals are ridiculous and out dated. No woman or person needs to be controlled by a man or any other person. I wish you would get that. I will never let anyone have that say over me. I’m a human being, I have a voice and a brain, and I am more than capable making decisions in what I feel is in my best interest. After all, I would say I know myself pretty well and probably better than anyone else.

I don’t wish to be a slave to you. I enjoy being a free person and never having to answer to anyone about anything I do or want to do. I should never have to explain anything to anyone about me. Not my problem or fault if you don’t understand me or my quirks. Perhaps put a little more effort into getting to know me instead of creating this image of what you feel like I should be. I love who I am and wouldn’t change me for anyone or the world.

Have a good life and best luck to you. I deserve better for sure, and you’ll never be better than what you are right now cause you won’t see where you fail in self or let go of your idea of control in a relationships

Goodbye

[snake-and-apples]

Life creates balance in all areas of itself. So when shit hits the fan, look back and remember your good times, your great times, your best of my life times, wouldn’t be as awesome as they are without shot that just hit the fan.

Appreciate all areas of your life.

It’s balance.

[snake-and-apples]

You wish you could have me again. 🥸

[snake-and-apples]

So here we are again, does it all look so familiar? The roads, the forks in it, along with the same old scenery? Do you ever get tired of having the same arguments with people?

You’re wrong again.

You do not get to live by one set of rules while you give me a different set to obey to. You don’t get to get mad at me for being upset with you when you decided to just leave the house without a word, saying it wasn’t my business and you could do what you want. I agreed, all I asked for was a simple message or note stating, “hey, be back in a bit” or something along those lines. Never in there so I ask where you went, who you were with, or even what you were doing! Just let me know you’re not there… geez!

Oh but when I choose to exercise that same right, except I sent a message saying, hey, stepped out… really need a few moments to myself” and got nothing but shit for it from you. You claimed to be worried, needed to know where I was, so you sent the dogs out and followed them. You found me, you then questioned me. Then called me, then got mad at me for not telling you again, then proceeded to inform me it was your house and you have the right to know. You couldn’t give me a few moments to myself… it just bothered you sooo much! Me, out of your line of sight just sitting, trying to get stuff sorted in my mind. 10 mins later, you call to “check” on me and want to know if your dogs are with me?, really? How about you give me the few moments I asked for! I am a full grown woman capable of making choices for herself, without anyone’s approval. That is the beauty of being an adult. I take responsibility for me!

Then you proceeded to inform me that me comping out of town for work wasn’t going to fly with you! Hahaha! Nice try. When did we cross any line where I agreed to listen and obey your every word? Did I miss the fine print? You had already clearly stated that mine and your relationship didn’t need any label of it, that if we became a thing, I wouldn’t be able to handle the changes in the rules! Ahem, again, I am a fully grown adult capable of making decisions and taking responsibility for herself. So just what do you think being in a “title relationship” entitles you over my life? Hmm…? You think because I calm you boyfriend to others that you get to take control of me? Don’t make me laugh! 🤣😅 boy, my momma doesn’t even have control over me and you think I am going to give you the reins to my life? Think again kiddo.

You tend to forget how much more of life I have loved than you. 14 years I can feel like a lifetime. You really need to step back and take some of your own advice, the person your talking/sitting next to, just might know something that you don’t. Being 14 years older than you, can almost guarantee I know a thing or two more than you.

Look I know I’m older. I’m more set in my ways, but that tends to happen as you age. You learn what you like and what you don’t like. What you will put up with and what you won’t. Can’t you see…? I won’t put up with you trying to overrule and control me? Treat me with respect and have faith in me. Stop blaming me for your insecurities. I’ve done nothing wrong to harbor such horrible words from you. Names you’ve called me. Or your thoughts and opinions on how you think I feel about anyone or anything, like I said, grown.

I

[snake-and-apples]

Some fucking people! Listen to yourself idiot!

[snake-and-apples]

Who the Fuck are you these days? Can it be true, are you a different one from another plane? 🥺

[snake-and-apples]

My dearest daughter,

I pray you find your way in this world. I know you are lost in life, we all are it seems. I want to sit and hold you near to my heart, I do, but I can’t let what happened tonight be allowed to happen again. I know it’s not your fault, I know you are trying! I see you are desperately seeking security from me, security that I am unable to provide to you at this time. It kills me more than I hope you ever have to experience in life. The pain I feel in my chest is that of my broken heart trying to break into more pieces that is left from the crumbling disaster that life has thrown my way. I regret leaving you behind thinking that your life would have been better for now I see it is not. I am to blame. I thought he could love you the same, but the words are true… there is no love like that from a mother’s heart. I’m working hard at getting you back!!! Believe it! I will not faulted no more, I will keep my mind set to achieve this goal. I will have you before the years end, I promise you of that. I need you just as much as you need me too. I see it more than ever! Don’t think I’ll forget about you again. I tried and failed, for you are truly a piece of my soul. I cannot live without you, not another say, not another second than I have to.

Hear my prayer Lord, it’s time! Time to bring my babies home to me. Keep my mind string, my will power going! I am going to achieve all of this, just wait and watch me.

Amen!

[snake-and-apples]

Looking back down the road from where started, who would have thought we’d make to where we are today? The road had been rocky, the road led us apart and back again, the road gave obstacles for each of to take, and yet, here we are, 6 years later, just doing us! 💖

[snake-and-apples]

I did something really bad today. 🥺 who am I?