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Lately I've been in heart ache seeing the one I adored everyday, but not being able to talk to them or hear them. It's horrible I hope it gets better

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Today was such an unexpected day I'm still not fine :) okay so what happened is that I had my result day and my result was beautiful horrible and I failed a few subjects but the result or he marks have zero affect on my final exams so I'm good, but I still felt like my dad would be disappointed and would be mad. So today we went and well my teachers did say good things about me but the science teacher she didn't take a breathe while roasting me, but all day long I thought my dad was mad so I didn't talk to him much, but today over dinner I brought it up and even tho he told me yesterday and in the morning that it's totally fine and I don't need to be sad and hes happy that I'm trying, i still didn't believe him, but then I felt bad about discussing it again, so I changed the topic to how our English teacher asked us to show her our hidden talents since well we wanted a talent show so she was helping us out with it. Many students came forth to show their singing talent, and my English teacher admires me alot since English is one of my favorite and best subject, and my writing is really great so she loves me, and she had assumed that if I could write so amazingly maybe I could do anything, so after listening to a couple of students singing, she looks at me and asks me if I could sing, she usually asks me and recommends me things which remind her of me or think I'm capable of doing it, so I refuse since I can't sing and she searched for the hesitance in me but well I was being clear so she let me be. While telling this to my dad I went "just because I could write so perfectly she assumed I could do anything-" instead of laughing with me he goes "exactly, she said right, you can do anything, it's true you can do anything, what did your teachers say today? None of them said that you can't do anything, they rather said you could do anything, just that you aren't focused on doing it. Don't think you can't do anything, you are able to do everything, just you aren't focusing." And the he went on with the speech but I felt really happy, I did. :)

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It's been long since I came here but at least I'm here now :) school is as busy as ever but I'mma make it out alive I know I wills :)

A lil update: as days past the more I find about how the school boys have seemingly found my foolish presence something so dear to their hearts, that they might have fallen in love🙃(one sided true but well I have admires). Today this friend of mine was telling me about how she wants the habit of reading in her since reading is a good habit, and she asks me about if I read books and well I'm honest and obviously said yes I do actually and she's intrigued by that and questions me about what is my taste in books, and I as always, tell how I had never fancied fantasy because no matter how much I had tried to fix my mind in the world of fairies and all, I'd always be back to the world, and also that poetry, romantic novels, astronomy these are what I love. Poetry because it makes me feel more depth of so much, romantic novels because as a human without romance and love I seem to have no value in this world, and astronomy because it's pretty. And with all that, these are the few things which make me feel human, because they are what is happening infront of me (not literally but yeah) and that's what makes me more human and feel that I am one🙃

Heheh that's all byeeee

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Another Monday another day of SUFFERING yay! So today's happy thing was in my computer class. For quite a while now we didn't have a teacher to teach us computer,but today a teacher finally came. Well he was a male so sir. Came in, his eyes scanned the class, the class scanned him, and then we all stood up and greeted him. Taking a total of 20 minutes from a 40 minutes class he gave his very brief introduction of his 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 journey of academic years on the subject computer. What I can hardly remember are the most things even I, too, would flex on if I were him. Verified by Microsoft, Amazon, worked for Huawei, verified by them too, master and bachelor's degree in computer, there were more things, but he didn't stop once he started but I was impressed next level and he goes "this was my small journey in the field of computer, hope we all grow in this field more together*smiles*" I'm sitting there processing this man's work which is beyond the word small. But the thing which made my day was his love for his interest. Yes true he is excellent in the field,but everything has a base. He mentioned not once but multiple times how the learning of such a subject brings him nothing but pure joy. If I quote his words: " Even if I learn one small thing, or any little new thing related to computer, I get very happy. And on days when I don't learn anything, or don't discover something new, that day is very boring for me, but when I learn something I get very very happy. So if you all share your ideas with me I will be very happy as well." I know sounds like a very basic thing to say to students, but I don't think you would say it more than once. There's a difference of tone and expression when one says these same words. I've heard many teachers say that to us students to share our ideas is a happy point for them. But more than us, he highlighted his own point of happiness, multiple times. When he first told, I didn't think much I was simply like oh nice, but when he said the same thing many times over and over, I felt a sort of joy. Idk why but it felt nice and cute. And maybe that's why I don't wanna do work today. Because do what makes you happy :) I ain't doing my homework gonna die tmr but I'll say I was out of house when I can't step a foot out of here hehe.

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It was supposed to be a normal, relaxing, lazy Saturday but my teacher said otherwise. Had extra classes today, only for 2-3 hours but still I was the least happy about it happening for I as a lazy and sleepy person, enjoy and cherish such days of freedom to come across me. But I went studied some math, made peeps laugh, had a chocolate, soaked in the sun, found the grass and trees all pretty green and clean because of the rain that poured heavily last night. But there will always be a time when you go home no matter what. So now here I was sitting with a classmate and laughing about how I found the car standing outside the gates quite familiar only to know that my dad had came to pick me up. It was funny and sad because I never thought he would come; after last night's scolding when I asked him if he could pick me up by chance. It was really unexpected so I didn't think the car was mine but it was. Waiting for my dad to finish talking to the teachers, I'm sitting with peeps and asking them about their day, my dad comes out and before me these nice peeps are first to figure out he's my dad. Altering me to the person coming down the stairs, I'm overwhelmed with the happiness in me because:). I jump up and throw my hands in the air signalling my father that I am here. Smiling to me he walks closer and I grab my bag quickly, forgetting to bid my goodbyes to peeps like I always do as a habit, and jump-walk to my father with the biggest smile under my mask. I reach up to him and he waves his hands as a hello-bye to my friends, I look up at him and I ask 'hehe you came to pick me' and he smiles and says 'yeahh.' It felt great. The last time he picked me up from school was definitely in kindergarten when I was hardly 4. It would be the happiest of a moment, then too, to see my dad there. Only then was when I never realized that I'd be craving a moment over and over again. Then too, it wasn't like he came everyday, hardly ever, but when he did I'd make sure to tell my friends about it and be happy. Now I've grown up alot, and I never thought he'd pick me up, because two things: he arranged a van and he has work, it just couldn't work out even if I wanted it to. But when he came to pick me up today, I felt like I was 4 again, felt small and safe and happy and not the heavy brain person I am everyday. It felt nice, I had forgotten how sad I was, how my life is, everything just I felt like I was 4 and I'm in kindergarten and everything is fine and perfect. It lasted only moments to say, not even a whole 10 minutes(I say that quite literally because I had been checking my watch multiple times) Got in the car played my songs and I'm like "let's go and buy books or have coffee, only you and me no one will know at home hehe" I was and still am looking forward to that day, but he goes " I'll drop you home, have a cup of tea, and have to go to work again. Sorry" suddenly I'm back to what I was this morning, yesterday, since the past years. "Oh, okay" that's all I say and look away. I'm no longer 4, I'm no longer happy, I'm no longer in a Dreamland. I'm back to reality. Where I belonged since a long time.

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Okay what happened today just made my day :) So it was off time at my academic place, and I was waiting for my van to arrive so I could go home. But instead of wishing I go home quickly I wished to stay a little longer because the weather was just beautiful and I couldn't help standing in the ground with the wind blowing around me. So I'm just blabbering about stuff with a few humans around me, and suddenly they are talking about beauty in a person. Now they aren't intellectuals in that, neither I am, just beauty is subjective, but my point is that even tho I have been told by multiple people, multiple times (not flexing or bragging just sharing) that I am truly the most beautiful person thier eyes saw; inside and outside. I always just said either 'haha thank you *blushes*' or 'well god gifted isn't it *smirks*' but today collectively all many humans went "yeah she's really attractive you know, her skin color is just a perfect dark like she's the most attractive person EVERRR. All the guys definitely simp over her *winks*" I- I couldn't even process this. All I ever heard was 'oh you so pretty', 'wow you hot' but despite those tender words,it felt like a lie. A lie dressed up as truth. I know sounds like I'm drowning in self pity, but it's just maybe I heard those same words SOOO much the effect it was meant to have, faded away somewhere. And I'm not complaining, I get really happy when people say that, just its a cliché that I find not much of a cliché when spoken. :) I know this made no sense but if you read it this far, you niceeeee muah have a great day<3

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Today after school, I was sitting in the van that I go home on, and there were a couple of more humans around me who were dying of the harsh weather here(even I was), so one of them suggested to open to trunk of the car to let air pass around, it does make it a bit more bareable to sit. So the driver he opens it, but then he says "when winters come you all are gonna be like 'close the doors, close all the windows, I'm feeling cold. A man is never happy." and then he just leaves to attend a phone call. I'm not so sure what others thought about that, but I definitely wrecked my brain the whole ride. It simply isn't greed is it? If the weather's hot, you wear less clothes, turn on machines to keep you cool like it's natural and same goes for winters. But he left me dumbfounded so thank you for reading if you get an idea of what could he mean please tell me:).

Or it could be he's the dumb one idk

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Enjoy this with me :)

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A few days ago I was playing an online game with my cousin (the only one cousin who's actually the nice like you get it) so I'm playing with him and the game starts and the other players kill me and I'm like "well I'm dead" and my cousin goes "I'm coming to save you" I'm laughing at him, that even tho I died he still gonna save me like wut? So I'm like "bruh I'm dead what you gonna do??" And he's like "I'll still save you". I need more people to make me feel noice even at the WERIDEST moment uffff

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This is my blog I don't really know why and what I'm doing but I am :)

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This song. This is life.