smittenandbeaten

[smittenandbeaten]

Part of me is done doesn’t wanna go on anymore

Lost count of how many dark thoughts just pass like rain clouds in my head.

It feels like my trying to keep my head above water but my body is tired and just wants to give in to the current and let it slowly reach the depths of this vast ocean. Then maybe it will all be silent and peaceful rather than just looking at me struggling to keep myself afloat.

I feel like I paid a heavy price for my freedom. In search for freedom and love I paid with something that should have never been up for sale. I lost a sense of being me. Battling thoughts juggling work kids and trauma I’m not even sure what I’m doing anymore.

Part of me feels cheated and hurt while another side of me feels like maybe I got it all wrong. Every time I think maybe I’m wrong a new chapter opens up where I realise nope I wasn’t wrong I was definitely getting used. 10 years 365 days of daily trauma and repeated patterns. My only hope is that this time I don’t fall back into the trap this time I make it out whether he’s right or wrong this time we let go because it’s not worth holding on to anymore

[smittenandbeaten]

Go on

What has my life come to .....

Ever feel so lost like a child on a Main Street with no guardian to help you out that moment of fear and choke lump in my throat and frozen feet ... as an adult I can feel that kids pain n sense the fear but the child in me shivers ... that road somehow seems like I can navigate that better than the fucked up mind of mine rn . The pain feels like I’m not just standing alone on a road I have no clue about but more like I m dying bleeding out on the road alone with no help in near sight . That’s what my life has come too . How many times can I be revived by myself by false hope by fake ideas in my head just to be beaten down again . What do you do as an adult ? What do u do when u are stuck with the wrong person and u can’t leave u torture urself n push down the pain only for it to become a volcano n burst what was the point of bottleinh it up if it all had to come out like this ... I scream my lungs out I scream for help but I have no one so what should I fucking do now just stand that awkwardly bleeding crying n wondering why can’t I just end everything . No parallels matter any more no consequences matter any more the more the struggle the more I get sucked into it floating above it is the way to go but it doesn’t last something hits me n I’m down again . The biggest mistake of my life is being tied down too and at this point I don’t even know what I will tell my kid my daughter if she ever asks what to do as an adult n what not too cause I’m to fucked up I know I don’t want her to do anything I did but I did not deliberately chose this I was forced in n by the time I realised what I was ok with was not ok it was to late . Being a lone wolf isn’t helpful it never was unless I was alone it was fine but being with someone b being alone is worse . I just wanna wake up from this bad dream ..

[smittenandbeaten]

Pondicherry -a little bit of French and a lot of love

31 dec time to be alive right , so Goa being a cliché sorta over rated place (sorry not sorry) we decided to head to pondi 5hrs drive a straight rather pothole less road was just enough we were sold! Honest to god the reason I was hitting pondi was one for the empty beaches and two for the French food !

Arrival , we reached the accord Puducherry around 4 pm and it’s in the heart of the city u see a bright contrast of traditions blending together and it’s just so peaceful after a quick rest we head to the promenade beach that Asim had been raving about gushing over the crepes and vegan coffees for the next three days French food and French town was gonna be our home away from home .

Promenade and French town , to be honest there’s not a lot to do in pondi but when you hit white town and the beach you know the Indians and the French have done a very good job honestly I went back into rustic old thoughts of my school the buildings there just reminded me of the time I was in school old English architecture and beige color and right opposite vibrant colored walls straight up anarchy and names you can’t pronounce

Food must tries if u miss ur old school junk mc Donald’s and Kfc are at the providence mall ( only outlet we could find)

Bakers street French bakery , It’s the most famous and well known place for ur dosage of quiche baguette & croissant

Paradise beach and street food from fried crab to coal grilled fish a wholesome meal

Cafe des arts was by far my favorite it had crepes for breakfast and omelettes for lunch a variety of Indian and French food v picked the prawns and herb rice which came in a platter along a side of mashed potato and veggies , and a showy tawook don’t ask me how it landed in French cuisine all I know is I was left wanting to eat more of it .

Travel - if you like empty beaches French food and people who are not to nosy it’s ur place to be . The food is spicy in most places and some French cafes have an unspoken rule that you must atleast b dressed for an evening dates meaning no slippers o beach shorts the desserts and vegan cafes along the beach side are good for a quick stop and if you aren’t watching ur calories French bakery will treat you like ur grandma on thanksgiving also check for the timing as they open either after 7pm o only for an early breakfast n then open only for dinner .

Get a good camera cause the old French buildings are beautifully maintained after all union territory

Il post a few pics too for now au revoir .

[smittenandbeaten]

How is it that u hang on to the one person who seems so toxic it’s like having a blurred vision o intoxicated by the idea of what u want this to be it’s all a blur

Times pass and u realise the Initial fights u had wr actually cracks u were peeing into cracks that showed who u actually ate with and not the idea of who u think u are with their person the feeling everything is different when u look inside the cracks pisses u off angers u and u fight to close it cause you no longer want to look into it it’s scary to be true , but what if years pass and u realise the cracks are actually what the person is they widen n take over but u have a blur imagine now and a confused heart n mind which can’t seem to believe this is what u are left with it’s like so much hard work and at the end what u get is a broken egg shell what do u do with it how will u make sense of it wr do u go from here ??