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smallgir · 8 years ago

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My very first day.

Sometimes in life, regardless of whether its a Monday, a birthday, new years or the start of a new school year; a fresh start is possible.

Today is a new start for me and its beginning at 10:22am, Wednesday morning in November. So what is my new start going to look like? No fresh start is complete without a plan, goal or change in mind.

I want to be thin. Ive wanted this just about my whole life. The first time i realised I didn’t like my body I was 7. It was my birthday and my new cardigan bought for me by my parents was far too small around my chubby arms but i squeezed it on anyway. I must have been too upset to tell anyone, and chose to take the easier option. I remember spilling some paint by numbers on it and having to throw it away. When i look back now I think I could have done it on purpose so I didn’t have to face that feeling again.

I continued to gain wait throughout my young life, never the ‘fat girl’ but always the chubby one. Then after staying with my grandparents in Scotland for 6 weeks when I was 12, I came home and I remember the look on my Mams face when she came to hug me. I was enormous, everyone could see it. There was no hiding it now.

I remember the next day trying to find something to wear and nothing would fit except my clothes I wore with my grandparents which were mostly tracksuit bottoms, baggy jumpers and fleeces -items which were no longer practical to wear back at school. I cried for hours, and when my Mam asked what was wrong, I don’t think she knew what to say. I had to borrow some of her clothes for a few days which as a 12 year old was devastating. After that, her idea was that taking me to weight watchers with her was what i needed. The few friends I told at school laughed and would buy me donuts and crisps at breaktime. This was going to be a disaster, I thought at the time.

Then, after years of digs and situations that left me in an awful emotional state, (such as the time in a biology lesson where everyone had a go at weighing themselves and working out bmi - i hope for others sake this is not still happening at schools) I decided to do something. It wasn’t a hugely conscious decision but when I entered year 10 at school the weight started dropping off. I was out every night with friends and would often forget to eat my tea (or my mam had made something that I couldn’t stand) One night before heading out, I remember my mam and dad criticising me for becoming ‘too thin’ and my Mam was irritated that a vest top she had bought me a few weeks ago no longer fit. My dad then continued to point out that my jeans were baggy around the knees and looked terrible. This was confusing for me because I still wasn’t the ‘thin friend’ and after checking my BMI online i was perfect for my age apparently. It also completely knocked my already small existence of self esteem. This is the first time that I realised my parents will always criticise me no matter what, so stop trying to please them, just do what you want. This realisation was both amazing and detrimental to my next few years at home. The amazing part was that my friends became my family and I had very close relationships with them. I have a friend Lara that I have been so close with since we met in Maths in school. She also had a difficult time with her parents and we bonded over that. She has always been there for me and the only person in the world i share my unedited feelings with..until now.

On the other hand, my feelings about being in my ‘home’ were fear and hate. My Mam was often violent with me if she lost her temper and since a young age my younger brother had attacked me frequently over small disputes such as the dishwasher or a tv remote. Being terrified of staying at home does something to you that I still haven’t let go of. It also meant that I would rather go hungry than eat with my family. I thought I had gained closure when earlier this year my Mam apologised to me about my childhood which meant a great deal to me. However, I cant lie and say that I forgive her because I don’t. I think about how much different my life could have been if I wasn’t always on edge. I might not have crippling anxiety at 23 and I might find it easier to accept that people do love me, and want to be around me.

One of the best days in school was my Prom day. My dress that I had bought only 8 weeks earlier was now too big and i had to wear padding round my waist to make it stay up. I couldn’t help but tell lots of people, which I think annoyed some of them.

Turning 16 and going to college, I never ate really but I did drink. This is where I met my first serious boyfriend Tom. We were amazing for a few months but he was very controlling and this lead to a peak in my anxiety. One day I had went out with some friends after college and he had become irate because a picture was posted to Facebook of me, 3 of my girlfriends and 2 boys in my class. We were just sitting at a table but because there were men present he was furious. I was taken completely by shock and began to apologise immediately. My Mam often kicked me out or when she became violent I had Toms house to escape too. He was my escape from my family life. After a while i relied on him to keep me safe too much and he controlled and manipulated me. It got to the point where I moved in and didn’t leave his house for months, I was no longer in contact with my parents after a huge row. (ill go into that another time) My friends had began to grow tired of my excuses for not going out and blamed Tom. I couldn’t see what they were trying to tell me and so I chose him. This lead to a huge wait gain because I wasn’t leaving the house and the only food I had access too was what he brought me, often takeaways. He would always encourage me to eat more. When i became quite overweight, he was not happy about it. He would often take videos of me without me realising and show them to me later, telling me it was the only way I would be able to realise how big I was. Sometimes there would be at least an hour of video I would have to watch. Then, he ended things with me and I was devastated and alone. I moved back into a bedsit i had rented when i started university but never stayed at and my anxiety continued to grow. There would be weeks where I was too scared to leave my room and ended up rationing out my food so that I wouldn’t have too. I lived off noodles, tap water and spaghetti hoops.

I reconnected with my parents because I found out that my biological dad was not the dad I had grown up with. I wanted to scream at them for lying to me but I didn’t, I said I understood. Every time I try to ask about him to try and find him i’m met with my Mam determined to make me feel guilty and like an awful person. I haven’t given up yet though. they noticed my weight, but this time complementing me. They must not have wanted to ‘rock the boat’

Its been 4 years since then and my weight has yo yo’d. My lowest weight in that time being 8st13 and my highest being 13st4 -(I will never be that high weight again)

My weight today is 144lbs or 10st4.(5ft7) I want to be 8stone and always have. This time feels different, because its only my decision. The way im going to do is with the ABC diet and I will record daily about my progress.

I’d love to receive messages or experiences anyone has had as its good to feel your not alone in your life struggles. Its going to be a great experience getting to know you all.

Chelsea xo

#ana #lifestory #weightloss #anoreixa #anorexia #mia #anamia

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