sixiedreamy

[sixiedreamy]

Treasured memories

I often post my trauma and bad memories on here. I do have some treasured memories I'd like to share, though. First up, a memory from my childhood. I was in middle school, I must've been like 12 or 13... I don't exactly remember everything from that time period, however I do remember my first crush. His name was Ethan. I don't have any news of where he is or what he is doing, but last time we spoke he told me I was his "bi awakening". I remember distinctly his face and his body. I could draw him with my eyes closed back then, but now everything's chaging and I don't know why. But at least I'm proud to say I awakened a bi person. My second treasured memory goes way back as well? Somehow all of my treasured memories are from a period I don't recognize anymore, before my transition and when I identified as a gay man, and not as a transgender woman. It was the fjrst time somebody ever told me they loved me. Their name was Chris, they were non-binary. I was 15 at the time, and I still had some questions about myself. It happened in a court of law, during a public criminal hearing. They were sitting next to me, and I was scared for my mom who was to be heard as a witness, so they decided to hold my hand while my mom was being heard and the judge asked questions. That's all for today.

[sixiedreamy]

Sixie’s Nightmare (2) - 00:20

couple - discussion - romance

I am laying on his thighs, looking at his eyes. He kisses me. Twice.

This was all I ever wanted, just a kiss, but he starts to stress out.

"Oh my god you’re not even 18 how could I do this??" he said.

"Relax Jules, it’s alright. I wanted it."

"You’re still underage, you don’t understand. I have principles."

"I bet those principles would go to to trash if I kissed you right there and now."

"Yes they would." he said, tugging on my shirt.

I kiss him. I wake up.

[sixiedreamy]

Sixie's Daily Journaling (1) - 17:45

Nyaneve al'Mera once said "Being a woman is being always alone, and never alone. Feel this braid, and know that we all stood before you, we stand with you."

Yet, I have never felt so alone in my life since my cancer diagnosis. I can feel the chemo going through my veins since I decided to get treatment (which happened yesterday, by the way).

I told J. about it. No reply so far.

I also tried to talk to T. whom left me on seen. Great thing.

I also started self-harming again. I know, it's bad and all that, but it helps with the pain.

I don't know if I'll be there tomorrow, though.

[sixiedreamy]

Sixie's Thoughts (3) - 00:05

E. has decided to kick me out two days after my cancer diagnosis. E. and J. won't talk to me until I provide them with "proof" that I have cancer.

At least one of my problems, which was J's behaviour towards me, is now fixed. I also got a new place of my own, which feels nice.

I have also started to question my faith in a higher being. I don't believe something's up there anymore, cause otherwise I would have been saved and blessed a loooooong time ago.

I also have made my feelings known on Twitter, citing specifically J. for his actions towards me.

I am hurt, I am sad and I am depressed. Nobody is happy about this. Nice one J.

[sixiedreamy]

Sixie’s Thoughts (2) - 19:42

Had another chat with S and E. about A and J.

It transpired that I might feel affective dependency towards J. I did concur in the potential of that fact.

Last time I had affective dependency towards someone, I ended up getting raped and blacklisted from my own friend group and it affected me in very deep ways.

When talking with J, I feel calm and serene. I also feel overall better when I’m talking about him or with him. However, when he talks about the people that he’s gonna date, I feel weird and I have a bit of fear of rejection if I try and talk to him about it.

I will send him a link to my Tumblr blog so that he can read this and maybe understand the way I feel towards him.

I don’t want this to backfire but I feel like this might be my only shot at salvaging our friendship.

[sixiedreamy]

Sixie’s Discussion (2) - 00:45 - 1:30am

serious talk - stalker - love interest

Having a serious talk with my roommate about A and J.

She thinks it’s a good idea to write it down to get a factual version of things.

Talking about the fact that A’s parents were wilfully ignorant about his problematic behaviour with me.

Also mentioning that J’s stance about knocking out A wouldn’t help anyone.

J didn’t ask about how I would feel about that.

It did set me off about him and my feelings towards him.

Reminded of the fact that J kissed me twice and he feels guilty about it.

Went to sleep.

[sixiedreamy]

Sixie's Thoughts - 12:01am

platonic love - friendship - mental health struggles

I've been dreaming lately about J. and how our relationship is currently quite odd. There were very uncomfortable moments between us since we last spoke, and I feel like I'm losing touch with my (best?) friend.

Feeling that way was for me very eye-opening on one fact: I am struggling with mental health issues, has been for some time. I've been hospitalised thrice since 2023 started, and it's not easy for me. I coped with being stalked, not being able to go to school or work due to how poorly my mental health is at the moment.

I also had to cope with being kicked out by my mother and sister due to my transidentity. All around, I've been doing poorly. Two days ago, I got stalked by my toxic ex/assaulter and had a panic attack.

All around, my life is not as shiny and cool as it seems. It's way worse than that.

Friends often tell me that's okay and that it's gonna get better. I don't see it that way.

[sixiedreamy]

Sixie's Nightmare - 3:02 pm

TW assault I'm at the tramway stop. It's late, probably around midnight, and I'm waiting on the bus to get home.

There's not a lot of people, probably less than ten, each to their own occupations. As to me, I'm wearing heels (which is very rare), and a short skirt.

The bus arrives. I go inside and find a seat to myself, tune up the music in my headphones and ignore the world revolving around me, as usual.

Two stops before I get off, two guys get on. Quite unremarkable for the usual population of night busses around where I live, but I immediately felt the need to tug on my coat. They sit at the back of the bus. The other person in the bus gets off. I'm alone in the bus, along with those two faceless guys. My stop comes around, and I get off. They get off too. I start walking towards my house, but I know full well I'm 15 minutes apart from it. The two guys are behind me, by reflex I tune down the music to try and catch a glimpse of what they are saying. I cannot hear anything. A hand covers my mouth. I wake up.