sismita

[sismita]

#onemonthtogo

I wanna stop worrying Whether I got you in the bag And if you have my back I wanna stop glancing Over the shoulders of another man Thinking I’m not on demand I wanna try working Through my pain and my suffering Otherwise it will be my undoing Grab my hands and tell me why I still hurt when I fly Completely unaware of my worth

[sismita]

#biru

Samar-samar ku mencium  baumu bekas mencumbuku, menempel di bajuku yang hari ini berwarna biru.

Duduk di mobil tuamu,  menunggu jam berganti dari tujuh. Melihat keluar, sinar menyorot dari lampu,  yang mengingatkanku,

Sebentar lagi kita berpisah. 

Diikuti dengan kamu yang mendesah bukan senang tapi berkeluh kesah. Karena kamu resah, resah ingin aku. 

Lelah ingin dipeluk.

Memerah menit-menit terakhir kamu bisa melihatku Di bawah lampu jalan kamu tersenyum Menyoroti dandananku yang sudah luntur Membuat hatiku luluh, hancur lebur. 

[sismita]

#seafeels

Theres something really soothing Looking afar and seeing nothing But the sky and the ocean touching And my feelings blooming The sea is my undoing It is my becoming It wrecks and it's damning But no flower blooms where the land is crying So I surrender in my after thoughts whaling What have I done to deserve this bearing.

[sismita]

Too much is not enough/ I'm high on you / for better or worse / and worse is a choice / and I can live with that / intangible / put this on a fable / tell everyone this tale / but I won't be the first to let go / of my saddle here / on the back of your car / on the back of your neck / on the back of your heart / I'll prevail and you'll see / my head of steel is the best you'll ever get

[sismita]

#itsok

I’m scared   It’s ok It’s not    I’ll be delicate It’s not that  Then what? I can’t  Yes, you can I’ve never done this before  Always a first for everything You’re right  Aren’t I always? Be careful  I will! *cringe*  What?? That’s too short….

[sismita]

#diamonds

You’re a diamond in the rough But baby if I knew how rough it’s gonna be Maybe I would’ve pondered a little more of where this is going to lead me A case of regret is not in my books But seldom do I say, maybe it should You throw me out of your way Just to say I can’t stay But call me back again in a minute And it got me saying Life’s a bitch, ain’t it?

Why care if you can’t fare?

Oh I’ve been told “You reap just what you sow” And just like that you messed up my soul.

[sismita]

Coming out of this I’m learning how to love me Only it’s not that easy I keep forgetting how to be who I want to be Or feel what I want to feel Say what I think because it’s real.

For this I’d kill.

Because how do you tell if something is real When you’ve always been invisible And my words reduced to syllables They’re not even audible. 

[sismita]

#regret

i was thinking you used to buy me my favorite food and tell me i look good

you used to laugh at all my jokes or tell me your feelings in notes

you used to kiss me when i’m sad and hold me til i feel not so bad

you used to listen when i said i wanted to be better, just a tad.

only i was thinking you didn’t use to do all that

but i wish you had.

then maybe i’ll still be kissing your forehead instead of lying in someone else’s bed.

[sismita]

The clouds are hiding  the sky is blue peculiarly bright and nice out too. 

But no, all I see is grey with black and white vision running 20/20 in my way  of seeing colours like crayons I jumped in on a ride same old grey, I said same old me, too tired to fight feeling that my mind is made

Where is my destination?  suddenly stuck in conversation with Him with myself

Like full circle  I drew my own fate went on that grey ride anyway  instead, found my vision was never impaired.  

[sismita]

#pink

pink, like that sweatshirt you gave me after our first date went spectacularly great sipping soup while pulling needles from my head sharing ice cream in the cold rain of January

pink, like the color of your tongue sticking out reaching for my lips in that one quiet night coloring my insides like an explosion of paint not the water kind, but the oil kind that won’t fade

pink, like your hair that time we met second date and what a rush a week has been now i’m scared of what this could mean

so I shut down, pink turns to red not the kind you connote with love but red from a heart that bled running like water without end

[sismita]

#theweather

This city is as foggy as me gnawing at what might have been  and if only. 

[sismita]

#resah

Selama muda kita tidak pernah berpikir Kemana waktu akan pergi? Kapan kita akan kembali? Bukan ke rumah, tapi ke tanah.

Kacang lupa kulit bukan cuma ungkapan Banyak yang belum kita ucapkan Seperti aku sayang kamu Dan kamu bangga padaku

Waktu berlalu lebih cepat dari maut Kita berlari mengejar kabut Tebal tanpa akhir, bertanya, Apa yang menanti kita disana?

Penyesalan jadi makanan sehari-hari Mabuk air mata sampai lupa Lupa hidup. Terus berlari. Menghindari hantu, hantu dia.

Dia yang duluan, Dia yang menghadapi tenang, atau resah di liang.

Kita tidak pernah tahu

Waktu berlari lebih cepat dari maut Kita berlari mengejar kabut Tebal. Tanpa akhir. Bertanya: Apa yang menanti kita disana?

Kita tidak tahu. -- Two things I don’t usually do here: 1. Wrote something in Bahasa Indonesia 2. Give a backstory to what I wrote about

But in this case I feel that it is important as writing currently is my therapy. This poem is an ode for many things, but two in particular are; my mother (RIP) and my anxiety.

Ever since my mother’s passing, I have been struggling with anxiety. Our relationship was complicated and I wish it wasn’t so. But so many things were left unsaid in her last moments. Regrets began piling up and no matter how hard I try to push back the thoughts, it only made things worse.

Facing death is a cathartic curse. It gives you insight to appreciate life and its little delights. But it also reminds you of how fast you can move on and forget. And the forgetting part is the worse. You wonder what legacy you have to leave to make sure you stay in stories.

And so life becomes a race with time. Cliche, but don’t let it it hit you in the face before you begin to live day by day with gratitude.

[sismita]

#tothepast

You were nothing but a passing lover  A rebound waiting to come undone Caramel cake with a touch of cheese  You whizzed me out of this haze Fantasy of a summer night - Reality of a grazing lie

Set this love ablaze  Make me join the raid Caress me, don’t make me wait Claim what’s yours from the moment we met

A crying thought Not knowing what was sought In an hour of drought Relieved with naught 

[sismita]

#screens

My heart warms thinking of you tugging me closer in the morning when you’re half awake. Nudging me lightly with your eyes half open. Breathing on my neck urging me to come closer. As if the inch distance between us stretched for miles apart. Like I was on the other side of the world and you wished there was no numbers between us. Your feet accidentally kicking me under the sheets. You wanted to wrap me inside the blankets we shared for nights. I woke up anyway, start giggling but you snore instead. I pulled myself away just to see if you would come back for me. I got nervous but you charged forward. Closing the inch Pushing me over Pulling me at the same time

Every morning I wish this is how I wake up. Because most mornings it’s not

And the inch was only screen to screen.

[sismita]

#we

Why don’t you go try finding someone like me someone that feels as good as we and when it’s going, you tell me because there is nothing like me that’s why God only made one of me and you should respect it coz now look at we gaping for air while you choke me but this time with your words and not hands on me not the one that pleasures me and this time i won’t take one for we I won’t take shit for me because the only person that loves me is Me.

So don’t you think you can leave me because someone is prettier than me if you want someone like Me let me tell you, you can’t find her without me.

[sismita]

#scented

My bed smells like you It’s an olfactory memory of what we do Under the blanket at nights of two Making meanings out of the cold blue and I don’t want to change my sheets Afraid I can’t meet you in my dreams Or simply be in your arms again. My bed smells like you It’s true that it’s bitter sweet But don’t all things happy starts with a bit of weep? Now I leave your side of the bed alone Sleeping on the one that you call my own Wishing that this smell stays forever Because you’re not just everywhere. I want to remember the pillow talks Now that it’s the only one I do talk to Reliving late night conversations That opened longer than the stations That lingering feeling of your legs Twined with mine underneath the covers Caressing one another while looking at pictures That we took during the day of each other.

[sismita]

#fornow

We frequent the airport just as we do the bars, we say hello and goodbye as quick as downing a shot. Never tired, never fret, never letting a hand left unmet. We ponder on steel ceilings as high as the sky what life would be like if I’m not always on the fly, or what it would be like if you were the one to try. Sometimes it’s like shoelaces left untied when we wonder yet never pry the possibilities of which I don’t have to cry because honestly managing feelings is harder than our next goodbye.