sirkdog

[sirkdog]

I

Can’t

Seem

To

Sleep

Wide awake

Tossing

And turning

On this

Seemingly

Endless

Cycle

Of stir

Rinse

And

Repeat

Over

And over

Did

I

Accidentally

Drink

Caffeine

Am I

Lost

To the depths

Of my

Head

Again

No reprieve

No escape

No dreams

To fill in

All the cracks

Only

What ifs

And maybes

Rolling around

This endless space

The echos

Of what

Might have been

Cascading

Like

Church bells

The constant

Hymns

Of prayers

I plead to

Myself

The reflection

I feel

Combating

The image

They see

Full of

Light

Emptiness

driven by

Vague

And constant

Ache

Curiosity

Leading

Timelessness

Enticing

Bouncing

Unhurried

Lost but

Mainly

Exploring

The nooks

And

Crannies

Of

Cobwebbed

Corners

And

Undeveloped

Keys

Waiting

To be

Discovered

To unlock

The answers

To soothe

The uneasiness

Always

Lurking

Beyond the

Surface

Letting

Itself

Be known

But not

Touched

To be

Acknowledged

But not

fleeing

To stand it’s

Ground

Rooting

Inside

The stability

And

Constant

Companion

Of floating

Directionless

Searching

For that

Spark

Of

Recognition

In the

Mirror

Reflecting

The depths

While

Keeping

It’s

Distance

Bottomless

And

Hidden

Powerful

And

Suppressed

Lurking

And

Supporting

The

Fillable

Sack

Carrying

Everything

While

Revealing

Nothing

At first

Glance

And

Knowing

The

Minutia

Of the

Universe

Insatiable

In its

Cleverness

Expanding

Neverending

Suffocating

Comforting

In its

Dead

Weight

Exacting

In its

Forgiveness

Sarcatic

In its

Lessons

Slow

To anger

And to

Exposure

Resting

Resolutely

Unadorned

Multifaceted

Canyons

Between

Ridges

Free falling

Between

Steps

Turned

Inward

For

Outside

Answers

Rising

Ever so

SLowly

Taking

Two steps

At a time

But always

treading air

Breathless

To get somewhere

While looking

Down

For my

Next step

Still one

Fooot

In front

Of the other

Ascending

To get

A good

Look

On

What’s below

To capture

An aerial

Of one

Moment

In time

To see

The light

Shine

Different

Angles,

Refracting

The

Message

Left to be

Decoded

By

Another

Convoluted

Maze

Of

Misleading

Choices

And

Distracting

Dead ends

Endless

Loops

Of

Entertaining

Nothingness

All by design

To capture

And torture

The lack

Of progress

Exasperating

The need

Of a

Two dimensional

Savior

Too flat

To hold

Any baggage

So narrow

The

Balance

Beam

From

Now

To

Then

To maybe so

To never

Again

From yesterday

To tomorrow

The emptiness

pooled at

My feet

Reflecting

Lights

From the past

And blankness

Of the future

Too heavy

Dragging behind

It’s trail

Deeper and deeper

Leaving

A path

the drops

Streaming

Back

Hollow

And

Heavy

Perfectly

Lead

And

Utterly

Useless

In any

Sustenance

But

Collecting

Nevertheless

Trying to fill

But just

Dragging behind

The porcelain

Pieces, chipped

Dusted

Compromised

Hibernating

Healing

Confused

Considering

Unsure

Temperamental

Whimsy

Untethered

Bound

By my own

Weight

Bowed

Defiantly

Curious

A single

Dust mote

In the

Universe

Observing

Unseeing

Unabashedly

Feeling

Trudging

Through

Rivers

Of my

Own making

Pruny digits

Moving

Upstream

Headed

Again

To a high

Point

To

Catch

My bearings

And

Repeat

[sirkdog]

A few quiet moments

Sitting still, warm and comfy

Bored with contentment

Complacent with modernity

Look How fast

The world closed in

Almost hiding

The path I took to get here

Obscuring what matters

With what is easy

With what is pretty

With what is cool

Trying to find

Something of substance

In this land of

Cotton candy reality

Filled with powdered sugar dreams

Ready to melt in a thick mist

Blur and blend and bend and puddle

A storm is coming

Huddled under

This shelter flimsy with

Good intentions and lack of actions

Stuck in this colorful

Quicksand of the here + now

Struggling to step toward

The black + white mirage of tomorrow

Blinded by the flood lights of society

Paying my dues, paying to live

With unasked questions

And unanswered prodding

Tense with numbing energy

To do something worthwhile

To do anything to pop this

Suffocating, shimmering bubble

Of vague, determined obligation

Free falling in this

Orchestrated matrix of 1s and 0s

Delineating divoted tracks

Designed to keep us

On this predestined, indebted pattern

Taking substance

And replacing it will style

Until the hollowed out

Stencil flattens under any weight

Branding in its intensity

And scarring in its heaviness

Leaving me to ponder

What really matters

In this simulation of existence

And what exactly is

The human condition

[sirkdog]

Skinning a tree

Under a canopy

Are the others watching

Judging me

For enjoying this

Wet and slimy,

Slick and soft,

The insides are

Skinning a tree

While the others watch on

Tangled with roots still underground

branches missing above

Decapitated

But still existing

For now

Skinning a tree

In a forest

Is it disrespectful

To the other trees

And to then use it’s carcass

For a bridge

Next to its stump

To encourage more foot traffic

That tramples their kin

Is skinning a tree

In the forest

A bad joke

A sick show of strength

An ignorant teaching in the guise of practicality

A logical decision that saves money

Skinning a tree

Tossing the bark aside

Into the muddy stream

Skinning a hemlock

With more rings than I care to know

Hardwood cut to pieces

Delimbed and sectioned cut

Laying naked where it fell

Exposed and handled

Used, abused, unappreciated

Wet. Weeping.

Is skinning a tree

Really for me

[sirkdog]

‘I thought I have been perfectly clear’ she says

I look down, her leg is pressed against mine from thigh to foot.

I look up at her. She raises her eyebrows.

Oh.

‘Can I kiss you?’ I ask

She leans in

[sirkdog]

Eye contact, touching

Wordless, quite loudly

Incoherent. Intriguing.

Typical? Unsurprising

Unattached. Unsettling?

Truth? Or lies

[sirkdog]

Sunny on the boardwalk

Generator louder than my thoughts

Colin at the circ saw

Vibrating through the floor

Nothing to do

Feet sore, dangling over the edge

The batteries dead, others are dying

Draining away, leaving with the wind

Staying where I stopped

Here for a moment

Or is it forever?

[sirkdog]

Why are you still in my head

Have I built you up

Or am I remembering true

You know what’s on repeat

Inside my head

They way you blushed

When I said happy birthday

That night, you said you had changed your mind

And we held each other tightly

After, we hung out all day and night and day again

The way you stood closer to me

After I touched your elbow

On the island, in the forest

You laughing, me loving it

The way you didn’t move

When I rested my arm on your knee

In front of the fire, cooking the corn

The way you scooted away from me

in the tent we had to share

The regret I have, by letting you

The way you carefully avoided

Touching me with your feet

Again, more regret by letting you

Lying awake, with you sleeping beside me, the Grand Canyon separating us

Me remembering, you said it wasn’t what you wanted

Me thinking how much I want to protect you, even from me

Especially from me

Reading in your cabin, hours of silence

Me gathering my courage

to appeal your decision

With a powerpoint in my head

While we walked the path to the lodge

The way you said ‘sorry its easier this way,’ not meeting my eyes

I said ‘don’t be sorry’ but my heart was hurting, missing you already

Missing you still

On repeat

Inside my head

[sirkdog]

Waking up to the sound of rain

Wet feet in crocs

Missing coffee grounds

The smell of hitch ripe in the van

Morning drives with windows down

Around and down the kanc

Every little thing vaguely irritating

Crossing into Maine

I said I feel like a hot mess

Mad dog said I’m just hot, no mess

Liam offered to take me to costco

Glorious gas station coffee

Pruning an apple orchard

Or rather, lopping many, many baby trees

They’ll come back stronger, right?

Look at me, so obedient

I’m sorry baby maple tree

Please forgive me baby poplar

I’m still a cog in the machine

Peer pressure? Very much used against us

Freedom? An ever elusive mirage

I’m here on purpose

…Right?

Freewill is far from free

Mad dog pipes in,

‘No think, just lop’

It’s Overcast out

Still I’m sweating buckets

Decapitating babies is hard work

Massive piles of little tree bodies

Half an acre’s worth

The gnarled apple tree branches

Like death’s boney fingers scratching the sky

Fitting into the bleakness of this graveyard

Like mismatched puzzle pieces

Feeling some sort of way

Mostly resigned

The only way out is through they say

But what if I’ve lost my way

And didn’t notice I’m veering ever slowly

Slipping back into

The mold that has been holding me stagnant

Filling the perfect shape that fits into society

making my extremities numb

ignoring the blaring warning signs

Still going thru the motions of growing outward

While Slowly rotting on the inside

Ready to fall in a heavy breeze

Poised to take others down with me

No one noticing I’m there

No one thinking to look

Growing into

A human shaped snag

[sirkdog]

Clear and crisp

Reflecting light

Revealing ridges

Always moving

Influenced by its environment

Imprinting it’s own shape

Forging a path of least resistance

Inside me

Sticking to me

Always searching for me

Finding me

Over and over again

Drawn to it

Rejuvenated by it

Formless but leaving it’s mark

Timeless in measurement

Lifegiving and ruthless

Exuding peace with

It’s sheer undeniable power

In being the truth of itself

Innately demanding healthy respect

Leading to healthy caution

And limiting distance

Still it searches

And it finds me

And I’m happy to say hello

[sirkdog]

I can’t read her

She’s still guarded

I must be so transparent

She’ll only see confusion

And me searching

Her face for something

I recognize

[sirkdog]

Slowly but surely

Keeping moving

Forwards

Stand still

If you need to

Catch your breath

Exhale

don’t let it slip

Backwards

[sirkdog]

I’m a murderess.

When it happened

It was surreal

Like I was someone else

But still myself

Unable to stop it

Horrified

But continuing on

[sirkdog]

Casual sex

What an oxymoron

[sirkdog]

Sex is

Playing with fire

But

I’m not

Afraid

[sirkdog]

I don’t want commitment

I’m not asking for exclusivity

I just want to touch you

[sirkdog]

In my head

Playing out slowly

Playing out fast

Still frames

On repeat

How do I stop this

I don’t want it to

If this is how I can see you

Stay stuck in my head

[sirkdog]

I thought it was the ‘community’

It was actually only you

I wanted to be around

That energized me

That excited me

Contented me

Silenced me