simplinsity-blog

[simplinsity-blog]

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, my Loves! 2016 was a huge year of transition for me. New city, new position and all kinds of new feelings about all kinds of new developments! I've been trying to put a bit of it in words all week, with little success. As with most things in my life, it's been a process. Great days, tough days, two steps forward... three days in bed. Leaving "home" proved far more challenging at 38 than it was at 18. Truthfully, though, what I was really thinking while spending NYE surrounded by friends (& mourning George Michael via Amy Griffith's YouTube playlist) was, what now? The process is never-ending, of course. It ebbs and flows as needed to keep me afloat or simply to comfort me when I need a minute to breathe. And going into this year, truthfully, I think we ALL might need a minute. Transition on a grand scale is afoot! And while I can't say I'm truly prepared for things to come... I am really trying my hardest. At what? Well, that's the question, right? Daily Trump-team stories continue to weigh heavily on my mind. I experience varying degrees of confusion/disbelief, rage & a little fear everytime I turn on the radio or, god-forbid, browse my twitter feed (for the love... can someone just delete his app already?). Attempting to make sense of how we got here as a nation hasn't worked for me. Nor has trying to understand this as a personal choice made by many people I love & respect (we did all see the same asinine behavior throughout the campaign). So, I think the answer to the "what now" question has to just go back to the basics. Here are a few things I jotted down about 1am on January 1st (with several vodkas on board) and elaborated on a bit this week... * Seek Truth. Be Vigilant. * Of course we've seen so much non-sense this year. Most recently, in all the false news stories (and blatant lies) surrounding the election, but also earlier in the year. So many shootings and so many videos of shootings and yet everyone's truth seems to be so different. Partially it's understandable, we all perceive events and information through our own lenses, but mostly it isn't. It's easy & comforting to go with the stories that align themselves with what you want. I know. I do it too. BUT it's important not to. Truth in journalism. In science. Facts. All of these seem to be so elusive these days. I mean, if you flood the world with half-truths, everything seems like just a theory, right? And of course, most of these issues are nuanced & complicated... making them even tougher to navigate. BUT, we need to find more truth. Seek out alternative sources. Open our minds. And we need to practice vigilance in doing so. And then, we need to be vocal. I don't always share a lot. I'm not pushy. I fall prey to the liberal "to each his own" mentality when it comes to shouting from the rafters. But there are thoughts, opinions, behaviors that are dangerous. Perhaps we see this differently. Perhaps (I hope with every single ounce of my being) the personal thoughts, opinions and behaviors expressed by our President-elect will not influence the way he runs this country. Either way, I will try, this year to practice vigilance in finding truth and speaking out. * Be Kind. Start from LOVE. * I try always to be kind. Trust me, I don't always succeed, but I always feel better when I do. Have empathy. Really try. And when you can't, have compassion. That's the second part. In the immortal words of the King of Pop, Start from L.O.V.E. I have this thought every. single. time. before something hateful comes out of my mouth. Sometimes, it works. Not always. Sometimes, I'm mean or judgmental or just truly can't. No matter how wrong I know I am. But A LOT of the time, it makes me stop and re-think. Even if I don't have a fucking clue how we got here, what you are thinking, or how on earth I'm supposed to feel about it, I can usually take a deep breath, open my heart to love and start over. I mean, we're all human, right? We have, if nothing else, that commonality. And we all want love of some kind. Like I said, I don't always succeed, but I always feel better when I try. * Accept the good. * I stole this one from a beautiful movie I love called The Things We Lost in the Fire. Accept the good. Such a simple concept, but so difficult at times. It's so easy to let our fears, neuroses, or just plain negative thoughts rule. So many things are difficult or tiring or seem impossible. This year, I will be better at recognizing & accepting the good. In people, in situations, from friends. I will welcome the good with gratitude & perhaps, in 2017, difficult & tiring won't seem quite as impossible? So, that's my plan. We'll see how it goes. I mean, it's easy to get lazy & complacent, right? But I figure if it's out there in the universe, if I can remind myself with a quick read (or we can remind one another), I just may stay on track! So, Happy 2017, my darlings! May we all fare-well & find our peace!

[simplinsity-blog]

I miss my dad.

I miss my dad. It's been 10 years today since he left this life & I miss him everyday. He had a way of holding space (as my friend, Zen, would say) that allowed a person to breathe; that reassured. He accepted everyone, especially me. That was a gift. Not everyone can do it. Not even every parent does it. Not even both of mine. And so, times when I'm struggling with something, I miss him the most. He wasn't great with advice; mostly, he just wanted to fix things. But when he couldn't (or I wouldn't let him), he would simply sit quietly & hold my hand. And my space, allowing me a safe place to figure things out on my own, for as long as it took. This is one of those times. I've been slowly letting a Trump presidency seep into my reality. I've been talking to friends who voted both ways: feeling their fears, hearing their concerns, trying to understand this choice. I've also been looking inward. Have I become complacent? How can I do better? Contribute more? It all gets very big, very quickly, and my heart hurts, and my mind goes fuzzy... ... and I miss my dad.

[simplinsity-blog]

thoughts on week one

Turns out, it is much more difficult to be positive when you aren't expecting the negative. Example: one expects to battle the forces of evil during the workday. Tough customers, difficult employees, negative co-workers. These are commonplace from 8-5. (or 9-6, in my case) Monday thru Friday, I anticipate the tough stuff and adjust accordingly. I dance my pants off to pop music all the way to the office in preparation. Nothing fires me up for the day like a little Call Me Maybe with my coffee.

Fast forward to the weekend. 

Who knew it would be so much more difficult to navigate the goodness when left to my own devices for a full 48 hours? If I am honest, I guess I did. Really, since my break-up a couple years ago, the weekends have been tougher. More difficult to fill. But until I started making a committed effort to approach differently, react differently, I didn't realize there are truly trap doors to negativity around every corner. This weekend felt a bit like a game of chutes and ladders. Up the big ladder to signing the lease on my new apartment! Down several chutes with a broken-down car & unexpected ex encounter.

So, now I know. It sneaks up. Quickly. Before you know it and when you are least expecting it. Perhaps that's the real lesson this week... 

Training.

If I train my brain and my heart to embrace the good - even when its easy - then, maybe when its not so easy, it will be habit.

[simplinsity-blog]

the positivity project

Last Tuesday, I made a decision. Or rather committed to a decision I've made several times over the past year. And in just 6 days, this decision has become something else. A direction. An experiment of sorts. A project.

the positivity project.

The basis? One thought: good out. good in.

I'm certain there are many versions of this out there. Certain that I've read a book about it or an article... it's not at all an original idea, but the feeling it creates in me? Totally original. Revolutionary really, yet so simple. The energy you put out into the universe is the same energy you get back. Think about that for a second.

If we started from there, with that thought, how would we change? How would the people around us?

This past week, like all others before it, was up and down. Good and bad. Possibly a little more extreme than normal in the highs and lows. But through it all (after a disastrous Monday), I made a purposeful commitment to positive energy.

How? I don't really know. There was a lot of pausing this week. Reconsidering. How do I approach this day, this moment, this person with LOVE?

Sounds easy, right? Nope. But it's a place to start. From love.

[simplinsity-blog]

just doing it

I'm posting this today.. right now, in fact, because tomorrow I have a weigh in.

Back it up... I'm doing a weight loss challenge at work.

I haven't mentioned this because... well, because as with everything, I don't blog as often as I'd planned.

So, anyways, there's a hundred of these a day, right? Weight Watchers at work. Pay a dollar for every time you gain weight, blah. blah. This one happens to be sponsored by Anthem. They have promised prizes and supplied lots of literature. They even sent everyone on our team the requisite motivational water bottle! They can't lower my healthcare costs, but they sure can swing a tchotchke or two! I digress. The point is, there is nothing super distinguishing about this challenge.

EXCEPT ME.

I am just doing it. I'm not thinking about it. I'm not over-planning it. I'm not analyzing it until I want to kill myself. I am just doing it.

I went to the gym this week. In the morning. Before work. Twice.

If you know me, you realize just how super funny this is. Unbelievable, really. But I did it. The first day I hadn't even planned it. I just woke up, looked around my room, and walked out the door... gym bag in hand.

And it felt good.

And that's a nice feeling for a change. You know? I don't know exactly what this is. I don't know if it will last. But this week it feels good.

No matter what that scale says tomorrow.

[simplinsity-blog]

keeping the faith

i got accused at the end of my last relationship of "just wanting to get married." (as though it was a disgusting habit like chewing my nails or leaving hair in the shower)

what my ex didn't understand, because - as it turned out -he didn't want the same thing - was that i didn't just want to get married...

i just wanted to marry him.

pretty much the scariest thing about the end of that relationship for me (outside of all the self-doubting, hateful, sick things that you think in the middle of a mess like that) was the thought that i might not again find someone that i want to marry.

logically, i'm thinking there's like 6 billion people on the planet, and really, of course i will find someone again that i want to marry. i mean, i will. BUT. its a daunting task, finding a new partner. a best friend and a lover. someone who gets me. someone i get.

its especially difficult when you don't really know if you even want to try.

i've been making an effort lately. "i'm never going to meet anyone if i don't meet people." this is what i tell myself when i am inclined to hide-out with a book or in a movie theatre. this mostly means hanging out with my married or coupled up friends. i don't know if its doing the trick, but i can pretty much 100% guarantee i'm not going to meet anyone hanging out in my bedroom, so i try. sort of.

occasionally, this resolve to get out there has led me to spend time with my sister whose boyfriend happens to be in a band, thus finding us in a bar or two... and i have to say... i find it very depressing. its partially my pre-conceived notion of meeting someone in a bar, but really? a lot of it is what's out there. or, as it were, what's not. it could be the whole scene, which is definitely worse than every cliche i've ever imagined. but which also seems, short of church or eDate (neither of which interests me), to be the quickest way to find single people.

which brings me to last night.

last night, while at the "gig", i met someone who may have actually restored my faith in finding someone new. hanging out with him was genuine and funny. he was smart. clearly thoughtful. and somewhat fearless. and all of this without the over-the-top-ego of someone over-compensating for his insecurities. 

spending an hour in his company was refreshing and comforting all at the same time. and reminded me that not only are people like him out there, but that i'd like to go through the effort of finding one that fits.

for that hour of insight and restoration of faith, Aaron (whose last name i never bothered to ask), i thank you. and wish you well in your journey. you are definitely on the right path.

[simplinsity-blog]

working the blog.

in my brain this was easier. my graphics simple and appealing. my posts smart. the way i see myself, really:

simple, smart, funny, appealing.

in the real world... i don't really have the tools on the engagement laptop to get where i want with the graphics. i'm writing HTML code for goodness sake. which i haven't done since... um... college? (college the first time, not college now)

and of course, in the so very me way that will become obvious (possibly painfully so), as we work through this blog experience together, i stop at that thought and offer the following observation...

if the way i see the blog doesn't quite translate in reality, does the me i see?

(oh boy, i may have inadvertently stumbled across the solution to my very expensive and not so lucrative eDating mess)

in any case, its a place to start. right?