silence-in-silence

[silence-in-silence]

I sit here home alone. My brain conducting a non-stop train of thought for the past month. I question and question whether I am happy having been born a man or if I would be happier if I was born a woman. To me, there is only one answer. I sit here in clothes I bought in secret so that I could explore my feelings, and I feel like I know the answer to the question.

I wish I was a woman. Despite the struggles women face everyday, I would be far happier in a body that matches how my brain sees me. There are so many factors in my current life that would make coming out difficult. So I will continue in therapy and figuring out how to navigate this chapter of my life. Perhaps one day, when it becomes too much to handle, I will become my true self and be happier.

[silence-in-silence]

My Identity

Part 2

Since these feelings and thoughts returned a month ago, I've been doing some soul-searching. Although I haven't made any decisions yet, I've had some realizations about my time growing up as a young boy.

As a child, I always knew something about me was different, as I mentioned in Part 1. Not in a "chosen one", movie kind of way. I just knew that I felt different from other kids and I didn't know what it meant or how to express it. I have always tried to understand what it meant, why do I feel so different?

Any other medical reason, physical or mental, proved fruitless. My trauma seemed to be causing what I thought was ADHD, and I don't quite fit the diagnostic criteria for ASD, although my therapist noted that she can see how some of the criteria manifest in me. Looking back, I can see how a lot of my behaviors and traits are things I learned from my parents, and not really getting the socialization I needed from a young age.

With the possibility of being transgender looming in the back of my mind, I've made some connections that could explain that feeling of "different" and that emptiness I feel on a daily basis. Growing up I used to be jealous when my mom and sisters would have a girls day out or a girls night and I couldn't go with them. I knew that I couldn't because I was a boy, but I didn't quite understand it. When I'm out in public, I feel like I come off in a feminine way. Do I really? No idea, probably not, but it might just be the way I view myself in general. Showering is when I feel the most feminine, because when I close my eyes that is what I see myself as and I feel lighter when I do so, if that makes sense.

Journaling has helped me identify these feelings and develop them further. Delving into how I see myself in five to ten years, what I see when I think of femininity and why it resonates with me, and how I would feel if I woke up tomorrow as the opposite gender. With each of these I have noticed a sort of longing, something I didn't notice before. And I've noted a contentment with these ideas, especially if I woke up tomorrow as a woman. Could I, perhaps, been born wrong after all? Could that feeling of "different" and emptiness be manifestations of dysphoria? These are questions that I've asked myself since I made that connection.

I've made the decision to tell my therapist the next time I see her. I tried this week, but my nerves got the better of me and I couldn't do it. Even though I haven't made any decisions regarding transitioning, I still want to talk to a professional about this and get advice. If transitioning is something I want to do in the future, I want to be sure of myself.

[silence-in-silence]

My Identity

Throughout my whole life, I have identified as male. Now, I'm not so sure.

Last year, on my birthday, I started having strange feelings towards myself. I felt disconnected, as if something about me was wrong, but I couldn't place the feeling. The word "transgender" faded in and out of my mind and I couldn't shake it. I wasn't entirely sure why I thought of that immediately.

In the coming days I did research into what it is to be transgender, what feelings people felt before they realized they are transgender, and I wondered if that too was what I was feeling. Growing up I never really felt like I was born the wrong gender, nor did I really exhibit signs. I thought that I was just me and nothing else. I enjoyed stereotypical boy things: race cars, super heroes, and so on. I felt that I had some sort of femininity throughout my teen years but I felt more masculine, or as much as a slim, lanky teenage boy could. But I never did feel like I fit in with my male friends and their interests. I could not care less about the perceived gender role I was supposed to fill.

Whenever someone used to say things like "act like a man" or a "man is supposed to do this" I would roll my eyes. I felt like a man should do what is right, regardless of what the "manly men" would say. I can say that I have never really fit the masculine image of a man, and I never tried to.

For the longest time, I wondered what I would look like as a woman. But it never registered that that might have been some sort of gender exploration. I've always wondered what sex was like from the female perspective. And lately, I've been having dreams where I am a woman. I'm not one to take dream interpretation super seriously. But perhaps those dreams mean more than I realize.

For a few months, those feelings faded. I felt like maybe they were feelings that were coming up from unrelated things in therapy and I was misinterpreting them. But on my birthday this year, those feelings returned. After a year of trauma therapy and working through family and childhood issues, they returned, and I don't know what to do.

When I brought up my feelings last year to my wife, it didn't go well. There were extenuating circumstances, and I could've picked a better time to talk to her about it, and I should have brought it up in therapy first. But I had just started therapy at the time, and I wasn't sure what I was feeling.

Now that those feelings have returned...I need to bring it up in therapy. I need help navigating these feelings because I welcome them. I don't hate them. Thinking about this now as I type, I just realized that I did have strange feelings as a kid. I always felt different from other kids, but as an adult I chalked that up to some developmental stuff like dyslexia, ASD, or ADD. After being tested for ASD and ADD, there was not enough to diagnose me on, but it wasn't something I was chasing. I just needed to know why I felt different for so long.

I plan to bring this up in therapy this week. And I plan to talk to a gender therapist to help me figure out what it is I am feeling. Regardless, I will embrace any change that comes my way. Whether I realize what I am truly meant to be or not, or I find the reason for feeling different, I will love myself through it all.

<3

[silence-in-silence]

My Introspection

As much as I am an adult, I still have thoughts and behaviors that I haven't taken the time to work on. At times, I still feel like I did at seventeen. Alone, prone to criticism, fearful of trying new things, and afraid of being me. When I look at myself, it is that scared kid that I see, not me as I am now.  If I could go back in time and tell him that everything would be alright, I would. And I hope that it would make a difference.

I realized how unkind I am to myself, physically and mentally. I have an extremely poor diet, and I resign myself to staying inside as opposed to going outside and getting fresh air and sunlight. I also have a hard time going to the gym. Most likely because all I can think about while I'm there is how I probably look like a clown who has no idea what he is doing, so I leave. And instead of fighting those thoughts and pushing through, I am too weak to fight and give in to them.

Having a poor mental state is perhaps the most challenging opponent of all. To fight a battle against the one thing you should have control over, your mind. Only to find out that you are not wholly in control. It takes time and it takes patience. But I don't give myself the time nor the patience to try and sort it out. I try to push through it all and hardly see any success.

I’m working on being kinder to myself. To remind myself that it is okay to mess up. It is okay to feel what I am feeling. It is okay to try new things. It is okay to get help. And it is okay to go after what you love and to be so madly in love with it that your happiness transmits to others. Do what you love, with the one you love, and everything will be fine.

You’ve made it through a lifetime of trauma and nightmares and bad days that it is okay to slow down and start caring about yourself.