siamesegreen
believer
unserious profession of innermost workings
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DO NOT open google photos your ex will be there and your old best friend and everyone you ever loved and places you can never go again and people you will never see again and versions of you that will never recur
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it’s a strange feeling knowing there were things i wanted to do, there is a person i wanted to become, there is a life i wanted to live that i promised to myself long before this. it’s interesting to know that the world never stops moving, has never and will never do so, no matter who you are and no matter the depth of the despair you experience. i am trying hard to follow through with these promises to myself, but i think even she would understand now why they may never come to fruition, at least not the way i hoped they would.
i still value this life. i find comfort in it. i like living vicariously through others. one beautiful thing about having divorced parents is when they remarry and have more children. i’m nobody’s baby anymore. i love getting to watch my siblings grow up and witness their growth as a mirror of my life and undergo a confirmation of the things i experienced at their ages. i like to read stories to my sister as she falls asleep. i wish i held as much unbridled hope as her. in some ways, i do.
grief is the least explored frontier amongst all experiences. there is no understanding it. there is no curing it. especially if you are experiencing it, there is no desire to cure it. people on the outside believe grief is a temporary experience that needs to be soothed, when really it is the only personal remains of the lost one that we can hold onto. that alone, holding onto something, is believed to be an unhealthy lifestyle. i suppose it depends what you’re holding onto, but there is no loosening the grip of my mind on the memories, regardless of the pain it may bring me. i want nothing but to remember her as much as i can; it is the closest i can get to her now.
there is no story of loss that will ever be the same as another. people may die in similar ways at similar times, but the different moments and experiences and relationships and dynamics we have with the one we’ve lost can never be recreated anywhere. no grandparent or cousin knows what this is like for me. no sibling of mine is experiencing the same grief that i am. as much as that is a hard pill to swallow, i think i’m beginning to like it. the love my mom and i shared will always be unique and unparalleled. i’m heartbroken that she can’t be here for me to tell her that, but her presence is loud yet unspoken and that tells me she is feeling it.
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