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[shg-experiment]

Day 1 of being a hot girl.

My phone was in the sitting room, charging, because there’s no plug on my side of the bed. So I woke up without an alarm- that seems hot. My boyfriend (who already thinks I’m hot and loves me an egregious amount just the way I am, is unaware of this experiment. It seemed counter-productive to tell him about it. I will just leave him as an unchanging variable and let him enjoy the benefits of this experiment without telling him what I’m doing.) had already gotten out of bed, so I woke up alone. Here’s the thing, I love sleep. I love going to bed- as early as I can help it- and sleeping as long as I need to. My happy place is between 8-9 hours (closer to 9). When he goes to bed with me, at an earlier time, he literally can’t stay asleep, and will get up before me- which is what happened today.

So I woke up without my phone. It was nice to not look at my phone right away- that honestly felt like something a hot girl would do. D came in and gave me a kiss and told me to keep resting. I kind of did: I laid in bed and thought about how a hot girl like myself would start her day. The possibilities flooded in. I could do some yoga, go on a run, stay in bed and feel my way around (if you catch my drift), read, have breakfast, take a shower… hmmm. Lots of deciding to do. Maybe this is why all those successful people write out their day the night before. Maybe I’ll implement that- later in the experiment, though. I ran through the possibilities and decided to do some yoga and have a green tea. Chic. (I should say that my legs were incredibly sore from going to the gym a few days prior, so the idea of moving any further than my bedroom felt a bit too ambitious first thing.)

I stumbled up, got the tea on, and spread out my mat. I have joined Yoga with Adriene’s 30 day challenge about 3 weeks late. And it took me three days between doing days four and five (like I said, my legs were unbearably sore) but I did it- and that’s what matters. I’m not trying to prove anything! I’m just being hot for me. The yoga was nice, and honestly I think it helped the soreness a bit. However my arms felt weak doing Adriene’s planks and such, but alas. One day at a time. After yoga, I realized that I was getting hungry. So I ate breakfast! Hot girls eat when they’re hungry- that’s a hill I will die on. I can tell you one thing- people who starve themselves do NOT feel hot (unless, I presume, they take a lot of drugs of some sort, which I don’t have the time, money, or stress levels to do.)

I had some oatmeal, and then I got dressed for running and errands. The sun was coming up and it felt a shame not to go to the park for a bit. The leggings I chose were loud and proud. I put on a tight sports bra and a quarter zip that showed off the goods. But then because it was cold I put on two more layers. How does one become a hot girl in the winter? It seems like a cold endeavor, if one is trying to show off all the time. But, I’m not, not really, and I knew I was hot underneath all of my coats, so that’s that. I also put on a cap and sunglasses. However, on my way walking to the shop I passed a man walking his dog and then took off my sunglasses. I felt kind of stupid wearing them because the sun was so low that I was just walking in the shade. Ah well, no matter, I still had my headphones in.

I was listening to a podcast that I’ve been enjoying recently. When I passed people on the street, instead of getting nervous that they might be looking at my butt in the afore mentioned loud leggings, I realized I didn’t really care that much. I wasn’t paying attention to other people, so why would they pay attention to me. Plus, I was focusing on enjoying my podcast and getting to where I was going. Plus, my butt is hot and so what if someone took a wee peek. It doesn’t do me any harm. There, I said it.

I went to a bargain shop and bought a mirror for the bathroom. We had one, but long story short it gold moldy?? Really gross. The frame was wooden and the room was too damp for it. So we’d removed it… but it’s hard to be a hot girl if you can’t do your make up or check your hair in the bathroom mirror! So I bought a small hanging mirror that was ALL metal- hopefully no mold will grow on there. I also popped next door to get some heat protectant for my hair because I decided I would try to Do My Hair now. (That is NOT something I do very much… like I said, it would take me out of my comfort zone.)

Would a hot girl get overwhelmed in the hairspray aisle of a Super Drug? Well, I’m not sure, but I did. There just seemed to be so many products that all did the same thing and yet were all slightly different. It was hard to pick what I wanted because I didn’t really know what I wanted. Perhaps hot girls go through a lot of trial and error. This might’ve been where I could watch an influencer’s video reviewing different products… but I can’t quite do that to myself yet. I didn’t watch any product reviews but the day before I had watched some blowout tutorials, and that’s why I wanted to get heat protectant.

After making my purchase with some money from my tip jar, I headed back home in the sun. I realized when I passed people, I would look at them and smile. I would find something about them that I appreciated, something that made THEM hot, too. Is that the hot girl in me? It’s hard to say at that point. But it was nice not to feel like I was trying to avoid being noticed, or apologize just for existing.

I dropped off my goods and then went to the park. Still enjoying my podcast, I did a bit of a walk/run shuffle. (Sore legs, like I said.) I wasn’t really going for speed or even distance. I was going just to go. Moving consistently feels like something a hot girl would do with her body, and getting out in the sun for a bit felt right today. (I might get more into this later, but I am NOT about tracking exercise, over-exercising or anything like that. Not in the year of our lord 2023, no thank you ma’am. I’m about finding ways to move that bring me joy and feel right in my body… and ANY amount of movement that I do is more than my depression slump, so I’ll take it!)

Hot girl shower was great, and I washed my hair (which I had been needing to do for a few days). I even put on lotion and perfume when I got out. I attempted to wax my underarms, though for the most part it was unsuccessful. The attempt left me with slightly sore, blue, sticky (and hairy) armpits. Ah well, you can’t win them all. I got off the residual wax with some coconut oil and moved on with my day… I never said hot girls are completely hairless! Not to be deterred, I towel dried my hair, did my makeup and then began the blowout. Following the instructions I’d researched the previous day, I used the round brush my mother had given me for Christmas a decade ago. The tutorials said that a thin round brush would be best for my length of hair, but I was just going to use what I had, dammit! And ya know what? It worked alright! I put the heat protectant and some mousse in my hair before I began slowly sectioning and blowing the hair. It was slow going, but I didn’t feel as uncoordinated as I’d expected. Perhaps the planks with Adrienne have been building up strength after all. I succeeded in creating a bit of volume with a very cute flip out at the end. Go me! (It only took me like 45 minutes… hopefully I speed up, otherwise this will be a very time consuming experiment. Though, to be fair I saw a video once stating that your hair looks good for like three days after a blowout, so hopefully that rings true for me.)

D came in just as I was about to change out of the boxers that I’d put on to do my hair and into my jeans for the day. I hid behind the door as he came in because I was embarrassed. TSK TSK! Shame! No hot girl should be embarrassed by her hotness! But, alas, I’m still new. I just knew that he would give me attention and adoration, and I couldn’t take that! Even behind the door, he said I looked very pretty and gave me a smooch on the cheek before heading out on a walk of his own. It’s hard to remember but I think I may have shouted at him to go outside…

So I should say- I’m an actor. Well, kind of. I have two degrees in performance, including a Master’s, and have performed in many different situations as a singer, actor, writer and improviser, but am not currently working in anything at the moment. I’ve heard the term recently: I’m an “auditioning actor”. I like that better than “struggling actor”, though both are kind of true. I’d also been working as a chef up until recently, but I quit that job because I really hated doing it and it made me think of offing myself by walking into traffic more than usual. In general, the cons seemed to outweigh the pros, so I left a couple of weeks ago. Since then I’ve been applying and interviewing for other jobs, that seem like they will make me LESS depressed, but haven’t found anything yet. (Though I have to be honest for a moment, I kind of worry that even working for a fancy tech startup as a customer connection specialist or whatever the hell I apply for these days, with the ability to work remote in my comfy apartment with all manner of warm drinks at my fingertips, will STILL make me depressed. I mean, I’ll still be logging on every day with no end in sight, trying to meet goals or match progress or *insert corporate lingo here* that I don’t care about at all… That’s why I’m working on being hot. Because that’s in my experience and it’s something else to focus on that I am in charge of. I don’t have to wait for a casting director or an agent or a corporate recruiter to tell me that I’m good enough. I can just do these silly little things to feel better about myself, and can feel hot no matter WHAT I’m doing… even if I’m looking at spreadsheets.)

But as an actor, I’ve not given up on the dream yet and part of my goal today was to film a self-tape and update casting photos on an extras casting database that I’m a part of. All of the not-so-glamorous parts of the acting profession. This was added incentive to look nice and have my hair and makeup in an acceptable state. I started with the photos because I just needed to stand still at various distances from the camera, in an array of clothing options, looking in different directions. Headshot from the front, side, other side, back. Full length from the front, side, back. Dressed in a ‘smart’ out fit. Cocktail dress. Posh outfit, fit for the races. (I really guessed on this one because I’ve never been to any sort of races besides high school track meets, but I think they were more going for horse racing.) I even took a swimsuit shot today. For the year I’ve been a part of this casting database, I never had the courage to upload one of those, mostly because I didn’t want to have to take the photo. But in the last few months I got a new ring light that seems to be pretty flattering, and make taking self-tapes easier. I’ve also become a lot more body neutral. And ya know what? I thought I looked alright! Also, being unemployed made me feel a bit more desperate to get more extra work, and I figured the more photos they had they more chance I had of getting called for a job. Wishful thinking? Maybe.

I’ve been an extra on two different professional sets now, and I have to say- it’s really fun! I did two days on a TV set for a Netflix show, and I did one day on an indie film set. It also pays really well compared to most other performance jobs that I’ve had. It’s quite fun, because there’s just so much to look at, and watch. With all sorts of things going on, I find it really interesting. I even got to see a famous actress working who I really admire- that was pretty cool. Also, there’s people whose job it is to tell you exactly what you need to. I like the feeling of certainty that I’m in the right place, doing the right thing. It’s kind of like school, I guess. There’s clear outcomes for me, and I’m doing what I’m told. There aren’t that many situations like that in adulthood, I’ve found. Even if they say- okay, wait here for 2 hours before the next shot- I know where I’m supposed to be, and I’m getting paid. None of the projects that I’ve worked on have been released yet, so I’m not sure if I’ll be disappointed by the finished product. I’m trying to prepare myself to be a tiny blurred blob in the background, so hopefully I won’t be too disappointed.

After I uploaded the photos and updated my measurements on the website, I decided it was time for lunch! (Hot girls eat when they’re hungry!) I got to say hi to D after his walk, and he kept kissing me and telling me how pretty I looked. I made some eggs with veggies and it was seasoned really nicely. (I wasn’t lying about being a chef!) I’m finding that since quitting my job in the kitchen, I’m beginning to enjoy cooking again. It’s something that D and I would do together when we first started dating, but hadn’t been doing as much since I started working as a chef. Hopefully we can do more of that soon.

D works from home, as a software engineer, and he was having a lunch break as well, and then hopped back on to his computer while I washed up. I had a few job applications on my list that I’d wanted to apply for. It’s odd, but before I began this experiment, I would always feel such a block when trying to apply for new jobs. I would always feel insecure about my background, and how I was trying to spin my experience to fit the role. I’m quite an overthinker, and it would always seem to take me a long time. But for some reason, with my new momentum, I was able to apply for two whole jobs after lunch. One was for a recruitment position, and the other was for social media/content/marketing. The content one also asked me to submit a video with the application. I’d been thinking about it for a couple of days, and wasn’t sure which direction to go in. I’d had an idea that I had started the other day, but wasn’t sure about it. It seemed like a lot of work and the amount of work seemed impossible. But today? I just ran with my idea! I wasn’t overthinking it. I just did some googling, some screenshotting, and made the video! There was a bit of a hiccup because I wanted to use the video as a green screen, but when I did that the audio got all messed up. I’m not a very tech savvy person, but I found a compromise that implemented my idea, but didn’t mess the audio too bad.

I noticed my hair started looking less like a supermodel blowout and more like a collection of straw on which to place eggs. The volume was there, but the texture was pretty harsh… ah well, maybe I need to put more heat protectant on next time. I’ll keep trying different things.

Ultimately, I was just proud of my attempt to Do my hair. I was also proud that I’d managed to upload new photos for casting (something that is hard to do when you feel bad about yourself). I was also proud that I’d managed to submit for TWO corporate-type-jobs!

After dinner, I had a meeting with someone I’m going to be working with. In my unemployed state, I’ve been looking for any jobs that might give me more experience to flush out my LinkedIn. (Ick. I hate linkedin, but more on that later.) Out of the blue, one of my friends who is an assistant camp director who I’ve worked with off and on reached out because she was looking for someone to help plan online events for a network of people with special needs. I’d helped for a one-off Christmas event with the group last year, that I really enjoyed. I was really excited to be offered this position, and even though it’s super-super part-time, I figured could also be another line on the CV. So my meeting was with the coordinator of the events. It felt good to have sent off these applications, and then log on to another meeting. (Who knows, maybe the busy work of corporate life would suit me. Now that I’m hot, it all feels like a game anyway- but maybe it’s starting to feel like a game that I’m winning, instead of constantly staying behind.) The meeting also gave me some action points to get going with for the rest of the week. So, something to work on in the midst of my job search.

Overall, the day was quite good. I mean, I’ll have to adjust my schedule as needed, but it was nice to spend some time for myself this morning (yoga, go to the park, get ready) and then also to have things to get done and work on. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

[shg-experiment]

I am, fundamentally, torn about this experiment. On one hand, I know that society has systemically brainwashed women into spending incredible amounts of time and money focusing on how they look. It is a way to keep an entire (more than) half of the population preoccupied by how they are being judged, instead of making policies and/or realizing how much they are oppressed. And that’s bullshit. On another hand, I am inspired by hot, sexy, beautiful women all the time! Especially the ones that are hot in their own way, their own power, and emit intelligence and authority along side their hotness. It’s like they aren’t put into any one box that society has for them. They’re in ALL of the boxes. That seems bitchin’.

In one way, making effort into “being hot” by certain standards feels like I’m giving in to… ugh… men… and their views on what makes a woman valuable. And that feels gross. I know that historically, it seems that how women looked (and sex in general, I guess) was one of their only ways to have a sense of “power” in the world. Manipulation feels like an icky word, but it was essentially that. A woman, who had no rights of her own, could manipulate the men around her to secure her place in life… at least temporarily. So does following that logic, in essence, mean that I am dishonoring all of the work and progress that the women before me have made? Women today CAN vote, CAN own a business, own property… all that jazz…

Then why does the idea of manipulating my way through a world that, let’s face it, is still largely run by men, sound so appealing? It doesn’t mean that I won’t also work hard, or have intelligence of my own. It doesn’t mean I have to be walked over or taken advantage of… in fact, I am sure I won’t be. If I’ve learned anything in my years of working, it’s how to walk away from a situation. So I’ll keep that in mind going forward.

This might sound crazy as well, but, well… I wonder if this might lead towards deeper and more authentic relationships. Hear me out- most of society makes snap judgements. I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s what happens. I saw a TikTok video a few months ago about a person who had extreme face tattoos, piercings, and uniquely shaved hair. In this video, they made the point that they use their extreme look as ‘protection’ in a way, because if someone wouldn’t want to get to know them based on what they looked like, it wasn’t the sort of person who they would want to know anyway. If someone was going to judge them so harshly just based on their outward appearance, then they didn’t have to spend the time and energy deciphering if that was the sort of person they wanted to spend time with.

I wonder if I might experience something similar. Not the same, exactly, because my look won’t defy social norms the way theirs does. But… pretty people get judged too. I’m not saying it’d be the same as having my face tattooed like a skull, and I’m not saying that pretty privilege isn’t a thing- but I’m just saying, some people might judge me as shallow, or stupid, or the wrong way to be a feminist- and if that’s what they think, then I probably wouldn’t really want to be friends with them anyway. Plus- through this “journey” (if I can stick with it), I might meet other people who don’t let society’s judgements limit them or label them into any one box.

We’ll see.

Have I convinced myself enough? I kind of have no idea… and it might be quite a bit out of my comfort zone, but I’m hoping I can roll with that. I mean, I’ve been depressed and haven’t had much motivation to do, well, anything. This feels like it might be a way to gamify life a bit. It’ll be like putting on a character, playing the role of a “hot girl”. Making a decision to do something- it’s not what *I* would do… it’s what a hot girl would do! Plus… is it embarrassing? I don’t know, maybe, but I’m living in a different country from all of my family and most of my friends, so what better time would there be to attempt a social experiment of this nature. I guess I just want to see how my life changes. Will I feel any different? Time will tell. But I’m ready to be hot!!