shbna

[shbna]

We should talk more.

[shbna]

In Mongolia, egrets bathe their porcelain wings in a lake that intercepts the border to Russia. Under a silent indigo night, the Ardea fly North, heedless of war lines marked in the dirt. They seek the boreal birch tree forest that will be home to their young in a few weeks. In the morning, small fish dodge the feathered giants’ beaks that break repeatedly through paper-thin layers of ice for a meal. Not too far inland, a government contracted construction crew hammers down a temporary zinc ceiling on an administrative building after a microwave fire tore rapidly through the wood of the last one. The sound of metal on metal carries over the breeze, softening to a thud by the time it touches the egret’s ear. His red eye rotates in a lime green pouch. He flexes his wingspan and preens—it is this that will earn him love. 

In Nebraska, a child observes Chimney Rock under a scorching hot sun, squinting one eye and holding her thumb and index finger together, as if to pinch the eroded column off its pedestal. Her mother’s palms press on her shoulders, gently guiding her away from the sorrowful landmark plaque to make space for the new arrivals. She looks up into the back of a man being drummed on by a baby in a backpack carrier, an open-fist motion that releases a piece of translucent starfruit onto the sand. Within minutes, an ant highway forms, each worker breaking off a piece of the fruit and marching towards the Chimney Rock. She strains her eyes to watch how far they’d go, how many of them climbed, how high they’d climb, and to see if they’d ever reach the top and if they did—would they fall? 

[shbna]

Published a new piece, Heat. 

[shbna]

You’re really cute. I like you.

thank u ^.^ 

[shbna]

when a good thing lands in your lap, you can cradle it like a sleeping kitten or swat it away like a fly. my impulses tell me to do both for different reasons. 

to cradle: warmth passes between two bodies. heat does not flow one way, rarely anything does. a touch here is a touch there. a thought given to the small, delicate thing in your lap is an investment in empathy, possibly for the rest of your life. 

to swat: the thing could be rotten. if it feels warm it is only because you are used to the cold. you don’t deserve the thing and it deserves better than you. the feeling of a thing resting in your lap is strangely intimate, off-putting. you panic. you panic. 

[shbna]

promise to love you even on the hard days

[shbna]

My newsletter “Shabana” is a series of personal essays that will be delivered on a weekly basis. It’s about me, what and whom I love, and how I perceive this here city that I live in. It’s about anything that’s got me obsessed. 

[shbna]

tonight i’m thinking about how many loves i can have before i die. i’m using death as a measure of time because it is truly the only thing that will ever stop me from throwing my heart out at (mostly) random to any one person, object, or concept that captivates it. some questions that come to mind: how many people can i seriously, deeply love? how many academic subjects can i pursue an education in? how many hobbies and talents can i develop? this is what i mean by “loves.” ideally, i’d like many. dozens, maybe. realistically, i will probably only seriously, deeply love two or three more people in my life, pursue two complete degrees, and maybe hone to expertise, ten or twelve skills. even that is romantic. but i want them all so bad because i want to fill this life i didn’t ask for with as much as possible, stuff the empty space between my cells with love for things, things, things. when i’m ready—if i’m ever ready—i’d like to fill the space with children too. but me? a mother? the idea of my own body engorged like an alien with another set of bones, teeth, and fingernails forming inside, still seems too good for me. oh, but i can’t get into that now. i won’t sleep till morning, if i do. tonight, i’m only thinking about everything i can do to make people love me, to see that i’m whole and good. 

[shbna]

read more, write more. that’s what my summer is going to consist of. 

[shbna]

I believe in myself, in my ability to carry me, hold me, love me. I will not think morbid thoughts and ruin the present. That isn’t a part of me, that’s an evil outside force that I will expunge and fill its empty space with love. Everything really does happen so much inside me and I’m alive to feel every single bit of it. How wonderful is that. 

[shbna]

“I have always loved you, dark forest of my life.”

— Giorgio de Chirico, from “The Complete Writings,” published c. 1971

[shbna]

things i am very into right now

- instant coffee 

- being on top 

- letting my phone die 

- intense blushing 

- finding dark spots in museums

- subliminal poetry 

- interpretations of dreams 

- roses

[shbna]

Suzanne Persard ─ a founding member of Jahajee Sisters, “the first organization in the U.S. for Indo-Caribbean women committed to ending gender-based violence” ─ on the recent brutal murder of Rajwantie Baldeo (an Indo-Guyanese woman) in public in Queens, NYC at the hands of her estranged common-law husband and the looming legacies of colonially-sanctioned, gendered violence.

[shbna]

Indo-Caribbean Readers!

I have started a Goodreads list for Indo-Caribbean Literature/Poetry/Non-fiction. A crowd-sourced list so we can see ourselves represented. Anyone with a Goodreads account can add on/vote! 

https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/102622.Indo_Caribbean_Literature_Poetry_Non_fiction

[shbna]

it hurts that British indenture history isn’t taught in India/South Asia - that 85% of the time when I tell South Asians that I’m from Guyana, no matter their age or gender or immigration history, they have no idea where it is and/or had no idea there were South Asians (and other Asians) in the Caribbean. That percentage is likely an underestimate.

Our present-day stats (South Asians currently in the Caribbean as a result of indentured servitude):

625,000 in Trinidad and Tobago

327,000 in Guyana

148,443 in Suriname

61,500 in Jamaica

60,000 in Guadeloupe

43,600 in Martinique

19,276 in French Guiana

12,000 in Grenada

6,000 in Belize

5,900 in St. Vincent and the Grenadines

400,000 Indo-Caribbean people in America, just from Guyana and Trinidad and Tobago, where statistics are difficult as they are often classified as Black, Asian, and mixed

25,000 Indo-Trinidadian people in the UK, with Indo-Guyanese and -Jamaican statistics unknown

In all, more than 2 million. Other estimates say 2.5 million in the Caribbean alone are of Indian descent (although this would include other migration events).

Plus:

460,000 in Fiji

882,000 in Mauritius

3-4 million. Read up. This is your history, too.

[shbna]

"Happy Indian Arrival Day" brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful.

Thank you

[shbna]

I love you so much.