shardofazem

[shardofazem]

The grief is real...

I go quickly from my first birthday without momma, to the first thanksgiving without her and her husband - my step-dad - who is recovering from a major heartattack and triple bypass surgery in North Dakota after going up there after his dad died a week after mom... to the first Christmas and New Year without her.

It's such a hard thing to grasp. I think cause I'm still living in her house. Where she lived. Where she died. I still come home sometimes excited by a funny story about my nieces wanting to tell her about it and I get to the door and it's like 'dumbass you forgot...'.

I'm trying to hold myself together for everyone else. But damn..is it hard.

[shardofazem]

Exploded Console Posters made by Angerinet

[shardofazem]

Today is my 37th birthday...

And the first one without my mom.

No phone calls or voice messages 'Happy birthday babygirl' or FB posts. And my stepdad is states away fighting to come back from a heart attack and triple bypass surgery after HIS dad passed on the 11th after momma on the 4th...

As much as my husband has tried to make sure I had a good time this evening and I love him for it... it's still tainted. It always will be. But I know the years will get easier to handle as they go by - this was just so close in time to her passing it was extra rough.

Miss you, Momma. This shit sucks.

Happy birthday to me. *half heartedly throws confetti in the air* Huz...zah...

[shardofazem]

My mom's horses

Yesterday was the last day I went to the barn to feed and hay the horses. Today, they are going to their new home.

I've always wanted to be free of this responsibility - nothing against the horses. I love critters as much as momma. But with my back issues and cataracts making evening driving a problem which makes fall/winter seasons frustrating as hell, these horses have been an absolute pain in my ass. But I did it gladly for momma.

But the reason behind them going to a new home... my heart is a bit broken today. They were my connection to her. While the connection isn't totally cut as I can go check on them, it's still... an

emotional day for me. And the fact that tomorrow marks a week since she left us makes it a bit worse.

Send me good vibes today, please

[shardofazem]

Well...

I just sent mom's obituary to the local paper...

Thats a little surreal.....more than a little...

[shardofazem]

My mom passed away today

She took her last breath with me, her husband and my husband here at home.

I dunno what to do with myself

Cancer sucks dude

[shardofazem]

My mom is on hospice

Over this summer she was diagnosed with triple negative metastatic breast cancer. At first they talked like she might able to buy a few years with treatment. In recent months/weeks even, we've discovered it may well be far less than that.

Mom made the decision the other day to look into hospice. We've had hospice people in and out last two days setting her up, talking to her and my stepdad. Her reasoning is after the other night when her and my stepdad took a tumble trying to get her up to go to the bathroom she realized that my stepdad and I need some extra help whether it's medical devices etc. I'm not sure if she is trying to convince herself or us that it isn't what it is.

I'm not doing well right now with all of this.

Cancer fucking sucks.

Keep an eye on your tatas girls.

[shardofazem]

*pokes head in*

I'm still here. Things are insane right now in my life. But I wanted to let anyone who might give a damn that I'm still here.

[shardofazem]

Hey. fumblr. Yeah. You. Why can't I see my activity? It's treating me like I'm new. I'm NOT

[shardofazem]

Are we getting a babyface Damian!? 👀👀

[shardofazem]

Lakeland

[shardofazem]

Ruuuuuuudddee mother f-----

Damn🫠🤤

[shardofazem]

SMN main let's fucking gooi

summoner 🐉📖

[shardofazem]

red mage 🌹 ⚔️

[shardofazem]

Chocolate Mousse Cake

[shardofazem]

Long John Donuts

[shardofazem]

Steak Fajitas