shardofazem

[shardofazem]

LaDS girls: I'm on America 1. I haven't gotten access to the new content yet. Anyone else? Anyone know why??

[shardofazem]

👀

Sooo....

These new Love And Deepspace cards..... There may or may not be a fanfic or two coming out of these. Namely one involving the doctor and one involving the silver haired dragon....

[shardofazem]

As the nieces are getting older, they're slowly weeding out their mid-day naps short of being sick or not sleeping well. Which means Aunt Js lunch time is getting shorter and shorter meaning I need things that are quick, keep me full and won't break the bank. Ideally things I can prep for 2 or 3 days (Thursday, Friday and Saturday) that I can grab and dash out the door as it's early in the morning and blenders aren't known for being quiet. I'm open to meal replacement shakes, protein shakes, budget friendly meals etc. I need roughly 3 weeks worth of ideas. Anyone got a good site etc. I can pop by?

[shardofazem]

Love and Deepspace...

That is all.

[shardofazem]

in retrospect, there's really no other way this night could've possibly ended.

zayne likes to think that he tried. that he had exercised as much restraint as he could. that the only reason he's got his lips on your skin, planting wet kisses that trails along the path of your collarbone, is because truly, he's been pushed to the brink of his self control.

but is he really to blame when you looked absolutely divine in that dress?

"z-zayne, we have to go ..."

your words fail to register in his mind, anything and everything but the tiny sounds you make enters one ear and slides right out the other. he almost feels bad now, the memory of how ecstatic you were when he'd invited you as his plus one to a banquet hosted by akso hospital three weeks ago flashes before him. how that excitement grew tenfold when you told him about the dress you'd bought to surprise him with.

and he certainly was surprised, pleasantly so, when the sight of your bare back greeted him as he entered his bedroom.

zayne stops in his tracks, feet feeling like they've been permanently rooted to the carpeted floor of his bedroom.

you're seated in front of the vanity table he'd put together for you. the size of it is nothing like the one you have at your apartment, but it shares a similar design, the same wooden accents. it's enough that you can get ready for anything without having to make a stop at your place. he'd bought it when you first began to spend the night at his apartment.

lately though, you've been spending the better part of each week in his place. zayne's been reminding himself to build up the courage to ask you to move in with him.

he's supposed to be used to this. to your back facing him. to your eyes lighting up when you catch sight of his figure through the reflection of your vanity mirror. to you pausing in the middle of your routine to turn around, greet him with that smile of yours that sends an ache in his heart.

but this damned dress.

he forces his feet off the floor to move towards you, his heavy footsteps catching your attention. you flash him a sheepish smile, your eyes flitting towards the jacket of his dress suit draped on his arm.

"have i been taking too long?" you ask, hurriedly dragging the tip of your eyeliner to your lids.

"no," zayne stalks close enough to place his hands on the back of your chair. he drinks you in, eyes casting downwards to the fabric pooling at your lower back. your hair is pulled up to a loose bun, fastened with a clip shaped into a snowflake, leaving your bare shoulders to view. he takes the thin strap of your dress betwixt thumb and forefinger, fighting the immense urge to pull the flimsy fabric off.

it's a losing battle, and zayne succumbs to his desires in a matter of seconds. he leans down, planting one tender kiss on the base of your neck.

he holds your gaze through the mirror as he releases his hold on the strap, letting it fall just above your elbow. he uses the same fingers to map out the scars littered on your back.

"no, you're alright."

"i'm-" your words get caught in a choke. "i'm almost done. why don't you wait for me here?"

"of course." zayne kisses your cheek before taking a seat on the edge of his bed. his eyes bore into you with an intensity that you can feel, enough to induce a tremble in your hands as you add the finishing touches to your make up.

"done!" you begin tidying up your table, placing the brushes back to their compartments. "just need to put my heels on."

"allow me." zayne very nearly bolts from the bed. he takes your heels by the straps from their place beside your vanity.

slowly, zayne kneels before you.

it's then that zayne notices another ... feature of your dress, discovering a slit that goes right up to your thigh. he freezes, hands ghosting your ankle, a field of smooth skin staring at him. possibly taunting him. definitely not helping his pants that seem to be growing tighter by the minute.

"love? are you okay?"

and you had the nerve to ask. surely, you must be aware of your effect on him by now?

"yes." he breathes out an apology, sucking the air through his nose as he slides your feet into the shoe. his fingers find the straps, wrapping them around and working up your leg the way he's watched you do so countless times before. he moves closer, reaching behind your leg to tie the straps together into what he hopes is a neat bow over your calf.

zayne repeats the process with your other shoe, but this time, he lets himself linger. lets his fingers run past your leg, over your knee, until they land on your thigh. lets them prod lightly at the flesh, encasing the muscle with his palm. lets himself lean down, low enough that from your point of view, it looks he's bowing to you.

he places a kiss, first over the strap of your heels that he's just worked on, the material an odd intrusion to his moisturized lips. then another, on your knee. and finally, his lips replace the palm on your thigh.

you shiver at the sudden loss of warmth, but you find soon enough that zayne never intended on keeping his hands away from you for long.

his hand glides further up, slipping beneath the fabric of your dress where it finds itself a home there.

zayne is too caught up in you, plush skin, enchanting perfume, this godforsaken dress, to hear your voice. he's only knocked out of his trance when he feels your hand cup his cheek.

"zayne?" he looks up, chin resting on your thigh. there's a flush to your cheeks, an obvious difficulty in the way you breathe. "we're going to be late."

he nods, pushing himself off the floor. he holds his hand out for you take and gladly, you slip your hand into his with a smile, using him as leverage to stand up.

zayne makes it about halfway through the living room before something in him snaps. he strides across his apartment, footsteps quick and erratic, almost tripping over his own feet.

you hear him from where you stood before his front door, turning around with the knob between your hand to ask him if he's okay. you get barely a word out of your mouth when zayne crashes his lips onto yours.

and that's how you find yourself now, pinned against the door of his apartment, clinging to his shoulders as your legs begin to go limp.

zayne kisses you everywhere, frenzied lips travelling from your neck, the exposed skin of your cleavage. he gives you not even a second to breathe before he's back on your lips. his hands behave similarly, squeezing at every inch of skin his fingers come across.

"i'm sorry." he sends a stream of warm air to your neck, nipping lightly at the skin. "it's just- you look so- god, it's this dress."

"the event-!" zayne cuts you off by sucking at your neck hard enough that it's bound to leave a mark.

"to hell with it."

you yelp when he cradles the back of your thighs to lift you up with ease. instinctively, you wrap your legs around his lower back, bringing him close enough that you can feel the bulge poking through his pants.

"the things you do to me..." zayne whispers over your lips. he eases your entire body into just one of hands, the other moving up to your face, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. "god, you have no idea."

except, you think you know exactly what you do to him, when he starts making his way back to the bedroom, lips eternally attached to yours.

[shardofazem]

Are we seeing this zayne girlies?!

AND THE BUSINESS PROPOSAL SCENE ?!

[shardofazem]

I’M SO NORMAL ABOUT THIS

[shardofazem]

I made the mistake of going through my mom's photos and videos on her SD card from her phone. I was trying to find pictures for her slide show at the celebration of life. And I stumbled across a video message she sent to the nieces one time. And I cried. It'd been weeks since I heard her voice.

[shardofazem]

*poke*

[shardofazem]

The grief is real...

I go quickly from my first birthday without momma, to the first thanksgiving without her and her husband - my step-dad - who is recovering from a major heartattack and triple bypass surgery in North Dakota after going up there after his dad died a week after mom... to the first Christmas and New Year without her.

It's such a hard thing to grasp. I think cause I'm still living in her house. Where she lived. Where she died. I still come home sometimes excited by a funny story about my nieces wanting to tell her about it and I get to the door and it's like 'dumbass you forgot...'.

I'm trying to hold myself together for everyone else. But damn..is it hard.

[shardofazem]

Exploded Console Posters made by Angerinet

[shardofazem]

Today is my 37th birthday...

And the first one without my mom.

No phone calls or voice messages 'Happy birthday babygirl' or FB posts. And my stepdad is states away fighting to come back from a heart attack and triple bypass surgery after HIS dad passed on the 11th after momma on the 4th...

As much as my husband has tried to make sure I had a good time this evening and I love him for it... it's still tainted. It always will be. But I know the years will get easier to handle as they go by - this was just so close in time to her passing it was extra rough.

Miss you, Momma. This shit sucks.

Happy birthday to me. *half heartedly throws confetti in the air* Huz...zah...

[shardofazem]

My mom's horses

Yesterday was the last day I went to the barn to feed and hay the horses. Today, they are going to their new home.

I've always wanted to be free of this responsibility - nothing against the horses. I love critters as much as momma. But with my back issues and cataracts making evening driving a problem which makes fall/winter seasons frustrating as hell, these horses have been an absolute pain in my ass. But I did it gladly for momma.

But the reason behind them going to a new home... my heart is a bit broken today. They were my connection to her. While the connection isn't totally cut as I can go check on them, it's still... an

emotional day for me. And the fact that tomorrow marks a week since she left us makes it a bit worse.

Send me good vibes today, please

[shardofazem]

Well...

I just sent mom's obituary to the local paper...

Thats a little surreal.....more than a little...

[shardofazem]

My mom passed away today

She took her last breath with me, her husband and my husband here at home.

I dunno what to do with myself

Cancer sucks dude

[shardofazem]

My mom is on hospice

Over this summer she was diagnosed with triple negative metastatic breast cancer. At first they talked like she might able to buy a few years with treatment. In recent months/weeks even, we've discovered it may well be far less than that.

Mom made the decision the other day to look into hospice. We've had hospice people in and out last two days setting her up, talking to her and my stepdad. Her reasoning is after the other night when her and my stepdad took a tumble trying to get her up to go to the bathroom she realized that my stepdad and I need some extra help whether it's medical devices etc. I'm not sure if she is trying to convince herself or us that it isn't what it is.

I'm not doing well right now with all of this.

Cancer fucking sucks.

Keep an eye on your tatas girls.

[shardofazem]

*pokes head in*

I'm still here. Things are insane right now in my life. But I wanted to let anyone who might give a damn that I'm still here.