shann8n-blog

[shann8n-blog]

Fathers Day

Well..... It’s fathers day- One of my most dreaded holidays.. Just to find a card that fits my situation is impossible- They don’t make cards that says I love you hope you have a great day... it‘s so involved,... “thanks for giving me the best life.” “thanks for always being there.” “your the best dad ever!!!!” “You have inspired me to be a fantastic person” “You rock!” It’s nearly impossible to find a card for a dad who failed as a parent. Who stranded me in life and chose drugs over me, and not just me but for my other two brothers. But I guess I gotta love him anyways right.. just a card that says I love you would suffice. So weekend approaching I’m like guess I gotta go see him for fathers day, I hope hes not drunk.. I gotta catch him early like 9-10am which you wouldn’t think someone could be drunk that early. He is every time... 

[shann8n-blog]

COOLEST THING I’ve done in a long time.

GEOCACHING!

One of my instagram friends posted a little container and geocaching instructions, and I was so curious.

So next day I went out with my little brother Dominick, and we went on the hunt for the closest geocaching location- You can find locations using the app called geocaching, but its also cool because you can use their website the same way as their app. It’s not an app only program, but it will make it hard to find the geocache without your phone as they use coordinates and your phone will act as a compass. It has a little orange line you follow that brings you to the location of this geocache.

So, Dominick, and I hunt all over for this thing, and cannot find it- I follow the compass and nothing... I told him we would give up, and try again another day. Of course he whined and was bummed- He is 6 and he wanted an adventure.

I told him, okay lets try one more time- We go walking alllll over and nothing- Then one last time we look at the location it said the pod was and out of the corner of my eye I see a green box- I said to myself it’s probably not it- probably some hunting box or something someone put there that owns the property next door etc. So I grab it anyways and SURE ENOUGH ITS A FRIGGEN GEOCACHE.!!! It was in a green ammo box and it had a log, pencil, kids toys, and a railway tie. I left one of my bracelets I make (mala bracelet) because on the instructions I read from instagram it says yours allowed to take something, but if you do to leave something of equal or greater value. So that’s what I did. I signed the log, tracked it on the app that I found it, and it made me feel very happy inside haha. I was up all night buying boxes for myself to place, because I know of a great location. I ordered two boxes and a tracker. Apparently there's little key-chains that have codes and people are suppose to take them from geocache to geocache and see how far this tracker gets. I’m pretty excited about it. On my ride to work this morning I really wanted to stop and check out some more, but its dark when I leave the house as I leave at 430AM- but then 5AM rolled around and the sun was up- So I found a geocache on my map that was right off the road so I stopped and I found it!!!! It was just a pill bottle with a log and some kind of business card with a code- I dropped in a cool marble signed the log, and left a pen next to the geocache. I am so excited for this new journey- I hope I find something cool.

In my box I’m going to leave a disposable camera and hope no one takes off with it- It’ll be cool to see everyones pics of them finding the box. I’m not sure what else I’m going to leave- But i’m gonna have it pretty close to my house so I can check on it all the time :)

If you have never geocached, please try it one day- and Happy Hunting :) <3

[shann8n-blog]

How I feel, doesn’t seem right to me.

All these emotions all these dreams.

Are these things really inside me?

Confusion, and a lost for words.

How can I be so absurd?

So much feeling with so much doubt.

I feel like I need somebody to help me out.

I look within, because you can’t depend on your friends.

There is still a light inside me, that I’m dying to see.

Happiness is there, pay attention.

Keep your focus.

Aim for your goals.

Live in the now.

Because there’s so much it holds.

(First poem in a very long time)

-Shannon 

[shann8n-blog]

If I didn’t tell you about my current relationship- The point I’m getting at with my ex would not make sense. So when we broke up after I slit my wrist I was working with this company and I had an ace bandage on for awhile, and I remember being so pissed off because customers would have me lift up all their product, and they had no clue it wasn’t some sprain, it was an open wound that needed to heal. All I had on it was butterfly bandages and it needed staples. All my co-workers asked what happened and I said my bf and I were wrestling and I hurt my wrist. Stupid... I have a picture but It’s on my other computer, when I find it I will post it. 

[shann8n-blog]

He was living in the town I was living in, and I had to see him. I asked if would hang out with my boyfriend, and I and both of them agreed and we all went to a party.. super weird right. Then we all went back to our apartment for the night and I went to show him the bathroom and we both just fell on the floor and it was like he was mine for a second and I wanted that so bad. We didn’t peruse anything. I went over one time and we talked as friends for a good 20 mins and that was it, and then he moved. It was hard to keep in contact with him because he's had me blocked on facebook for an eternity and he changes his phone number so often- So he was gone for awhile, and I finally got ahold of him on a made up profile and we talked on the phone here and there but he was in a relationship, but it was nice to talk to someone who I knew understood me- I feel like everyone else doesn't understand me but he does. He has very similar ways of thinking. Its weird and I don’t know how to explain it. I really enjoyed talking to him none-the-less, and then I called him one day and his gf was next to him and apparently she made him delete me and tell me he wouldn’t be my friend anymore, and it was like I just broke up with him all over again- Killer heartache. We weren't dating and I was in a relationship with someone else. It was so hard to forget him again. He was in my dreams all the time it was really, really hard. I lost my best friend. It took me a long time to push him out of my mind, and I was doing good a good 5 months I had him gone from my mind, and then I get a text... “Shay” I knew it was him. It’s the nickname he gave me a long time ago... His girlfriend and him broke up, I was glad to have my best friend back. 

[shann8n-blog]

This quote couldn’t better describe how I feel right now. After my first real mature relationship I dated someone else- Someone I haven't talked about yet. I just got out of my first relationship and I was torn into bits- My friends invited me over to hangout all the time to keep me company, and those were some of the best times of my life. Those moments will forever mean the most to me. They would mention there was another person that lived there, but he was always gone when I hung out there, and I was always kind of curious of who this guy was. He was dating my friend at the time, and she was anxious to have me meet him- Actually I’m not sure they were official I can’t remember. He finally was there and I got to meet him, and my god. It was love at first site. I knew I was doomed. The way he carried himself, his art work, his hair, his personality, his everything. I worked my way into his life, and there I would stay for a good 3 years. My friend hated me- with good reason. Karma would bite me so hard in the ass for that. Don’t ever forget what comes around goes around. Just the way I was drawn to him was unexplainable to me. Maybe I’m just crazy. When we first started to get to know each other he would play his guitar and told me he doesn’t like anything more than his guitar, but he liked me more than his guitar. I enjoyed every second with him. So much so- that his place I was staying never had any food- The mom abandoned ship with good reasoning she had a bunch of teenagers just living at her house partying. My house was 10 mins down the road but I didn’t want to go home. I starved this whole time to the point I weight 98 pounds. It’s a struggle of mine to slow down and know things aren't going to disappear and if they do they weren't meant to be. Space is good, self reflection is good, and food is fucking good. I did my best to still provide to this party house we had. For thanksgiving I got my mom to buy a whole thanksgiving just for that house because I knew no one would have thanksgiving. That moment was special to me. He was facing a long jail sentence for breaking someone’s face, and the time came where he had to go to jail, and I was right there writing him letters. I think then he realized I was a true person. Our relationship blossomed over this time, and I wanted him so bad. He got released one day to go to his cousins funeral and I was there, I picked him up - My brother got him a little kegger for the ride and I met all his family. That was such an important thing for him and I am so glad I got to be that person to bring him- If nothing else that was the most important part of our relationship and something I’ll forever keep close to my heart. I remember him walking back into jail and he said just two more months it’s almost over- with his cute ass fucking smile. When he got out of jail he moved in with his friend from jail, but his friend was super sketchy and because we went to the movies and came home at 9pm his friend wasn't down and basically said he had to move out. Overtime he ended up moving in my house, and we had our typical relationship ups and downs- I feel like I wasn’t ready because I jumped so quick from a terrible relationship before that to this new one and I didn’t know how to be in a normal relationship. I made drama where drama didn’t need to be- He started talking to other girls- Shit just fell apart- He never communicated with me- I feel like anyways at the time. I’m not the best communicator myself- I was young and still had a long journey ahead of me, but something that has never left me to this day is my deep love for him. He’s the kind of person that is like a magnet, the one who just lights up your soul. You feel all sorts of comfortable around him, and his smile just makes everything else around you gone. Even the boring stuff isn’t boring- You are always excited to be with them. Magic feeling really.. and I'll always regret not giving it my all. I was so fucking dumb. Even being so dumb, he never had to talk to other girls- He ended up moving in with his aunt- I should have ended it there- We did need space he was right in that. We did good for awhile. I drove back and forth. I feel like I became controlling the same way my ex was controlling towards me- Its like I became my ex with his toxicity- I was so blinded that I was that way. I wanted him always, and you can’t have anyone always. We basically had a break up it was more of me being the one to initiate it but he had no want to be with me either- I believe it was over the messages I found between him and another girl. I blared the Eminem songs -love the way you lie, 25tolife, and space bound” during the car ride back to his house. We both balled crying and that was it. I tried to get back with him, and he was done. Looking back- I don’t blame him. There was so much good, but there was also toxic shit. We reconnected when he lived in another town and had his own place and I would go over all the time. The first time we kissed again it was all those sparks and love bug feelings- but turns out he was seeing other girls. He clear as day was seeing them but for some reason I just moved in. I changed my whole life to try and make it work. We both thought we were more mature and ready for another shot- But turns out he got into drugs and he wasn’t in a good head space. Things ended badly, super super badly. He got a gf we ended up physically fighting- Shit just went crazy. I almost got arrested because I punched another one of his fuck buddies in the face. I tried to be so cool. The whole time I was there I let every single emotion build up, all my hurt everything I didn’t want to be a burden like I was before. I sliced my wrist open so hard and so deep I could have bled out. I was drunk and didn't realize the strength I had behind the razorblade. My buddy who was at the house helped me wrap it up and everyone else wanted me to go to the hospital which also meant I'd be put in a physc ward, and that shit will never happen to me again. So I ran away. I moved back to my moms house, and I am leaving out a lot of the story because I’m trying to get to another part of the story. That was really the end for us, and then I reached out maybe 2 years later. I started dating someone else, and for some unknown reason the gravity of this world keeps pulling me back to him. Every single fucking time. 

[shann8n-blog]

A little more about me, I have 2 brothers. Their names are Seamus, and Dominick. I grew up with Seamus all my life, he is 1 ½ younger than me. I absolutely love being a big sister. It’s like I was put on earth for them to protect, and to love. Dominick is the brother who I’m adopting he is 6 years old, and I’ve had him since he was 3. I gained temporary custody of him Jan 2015 and right now its May 2018. That story is for another post. Growing up with Seamus was the best. We would climb trees all day long, and that’s part of why I bought a house in no mans land- As much as I love the city and to be close to everything. I long to have what I had as a kid- A simple tree to climb. I grew up on 44 acres of land and Seamus, and I roamed it all day everyday. It was also on a pond, but thankfully my brother, and I weren’t dumb enough to dry and play in the pond unsupervised. We just climbed those trees and I would always get stuck haha. I remember one time I got so stuck he had to get my dad and my dad was pissed. He said “Come down the way you got up” Well, dad its not that simply.. We would sled in the winter months and he would snowboard. I once went so fast on the sled that I went down the entire hill then up and over another hill and onto the pond- Diving trees on the way down. I am so shocked I never ran into one of those trees. I loved the little hill that was on the bottom of the other hill- It had a single birch tree and I loved peeling the tree bark. I remember the exact moment Seamus, and I made a bet on who would be more successful first- As in who would buy their own house first. It was In the backseat of my parents car, Dad was driving. I think we bet like $50.00 I planned to buy a house when I was 16 I thought of all these different ways I could save money. 8 year olds way of thinking, haha. Here I am at 26 years old and I just successfully bought a house. It’s a nice ranch styled house- I always wanted something bigger but you can always add on houses. It has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I never cared about having 2 bathrooms I was fine with 1 but I cant see my life now without 2 bathrooms especially with having a kid. Its in no mans land and I’m surrounded by trees. I have enough yard to build myself my own little pond. Those are the little things that make me happy on the inside. I wish Seamus were closer because he really is a lot of fun to hang out with, but he’s back in New York. I hope someday he realizes this is his place. He said the last time he was here that he “wishes his life were different” staring at a lake here in Maine. Well, your life could be different. Any decision you make effects the outcome of your life. Live for today, where do you want to be today? At this VERY moment. Not where you want to be tomorrow. Tomorrow will come in another “now” moment.  I’m content sitting on my bed blogging while my ex and my little brother build a trampoline for him to play on. I am excited for the future moment I can jump on that trampoline, but for now I enjoy this- and I hope to reach some souls during my journey as a blogger. I know its a lot about my life, and I’m not sure anyone will really care- but there are meanings to my stories- Life lessons, everything that helped me on my journey to my higher self. :) Have a blessed day everyone. 

[shann8n-blog]

So, I’m super scattered brained as I mentioned before. Sorry in advance. This quote is exactly where I am in my life. Right at this moment. With a little help from Buddha's perspective and the few spiritual books I've read. I’ve realized time alone, is a great space. Before I use to hate it... I use to feed into my negative thoughts, I was sad. I hated being with me. BUT now I see it as a chance to grow to understand myself more. To really think deep on why I feel the way I do---- not to dwell on it and make it worse, but to watch my thoughts. Be the watcher. When people I love are bad for me I disappear. I give up quickly. Its hard now because I think my soulmate is one of my exes, not the one in the previous posts. I’m not that dumb, haha. BUT maybe he’s not. he’s bad for me, and I have to basically sit with myself and realize this because he’s not gonna tell me he's bad for me. I have to wake up. I’ve never given myself time, for me. Now is the time. Now is the only time. Now makes yesterday and it makes tomorrow. Suck in the moment, and think and hang with yourself. As post Malone says “But that's just the way it goes. Wish that I could have control. Everybody dies alone” Which is completely true. Spend time getting to know yourself. Happiness comes from within not from an outside source. Remember that, and live that. 

[shann8n-blog]

We had a group therapy session at the ward. We watched a movie on depression, and they went around the room after asking how we could relate to the movie. They got to me and I told them I use to feel like that, but I no longer do. They asked me why I was there, and I told them I wanted to get high, and took too many pills.... they just stared at me blankly, and moved onto the next person. The day came where my mom was gonna pick me up and I could get ready and head to Maine. I get in her car FREEDOM!!!! I start looking around and see all my stuff in the car. I ask what's going on, and she told me we were heading to Maine right then and there. No choice in the matter. I couldn't see my bf I longed to see I haven't been able to talk to him I didn't want to go. I text him balling and ask him to come to Maine. He said he would.

I'll stop there and backtrack to what else went on in our relationship before the overdose happened. Honestly my mind has blocked out so much shit I can't remember half of it. We did drugs a lot brain eating drugs. Maybe it was his way of controlling me. He never left me alone and made me feel incredibly guilty for having friends or wanting to do anything other than doing shit with him. He is a narcassist, and I didn't realize there was such a thing. He made me feel like shit about myself all the time. I felt so bad about even going to school. He was 18 at the time and didn't go to school so all day he just spent alone not controlling me while I was at school. So I ended up dropping out so I could spend all my time with him. The guilt he made me feel took ahold of me without me realizing it was toxic. I can't remember the first time he was physical with me. It may have started with a push, but it got worse- to the point we were known as the fighting couple. Oh boy here they are be prepared. He once slammed a door right in my face to be a dick and my hand went through the window. I still have scars. Looking back I can see the toxicity but then I didn't. I want to share with you a few messages from back then between us. If you can relate to them- get out now. 2 years seems like a lot of commitment to throw away with someone a lot of love there but believe me time heals all, and there's someone better out there for you. Mind you these messages were at the end of our relationship because I no longer have access to my myspace account and that's when we dated mostly was in that timeframe.. the good ol myspace days. These are from Facebook.

[shann8n-blog]

I realized I began wanting to tell you about my toxic relationship, but I'm now going into full detail about my overdose. I am doing so because it's important to share. It shifted my life completely and has a lot to do with my relationship. One bad decision could lead you down a dark road. Live in the now, and really think about your choices.

I was stuck in that room staring out the window and that's what I did often. It made me really sad but I had to find a calm in myself to survive. I found out I had a roommate and I got to meet her. She was a few years younger than me and she was so friggen sweet. I can’t remember her name. She told me a horrible story which I can’t remember all of. It was about a really controlling mom- It could have been step mom- That didn’t like her and made her seem so terrible. She was there I believe because she ran away. Something super silly. It broke my heart for her. She was the best roommate for that situation- She kept me calm. I was shown the “time-out” room- It wasn’t a padded room like you see in the movies. It was all concrete- Yellow concrete. Dark. A little drain in the floor, and a concrete bench. I never understood it because If someone wanted to be violent towards themselves they could do some serious damage in that room.. I met the “doctor” With myself being so open and not realizing what he was doing- I told him about my dad being a crackhead my story at the time, sure enough he prescribed me anti- depressants.�� Let's just slap a band-aid on you and call you good. That’s what those drugs are- They never fix the situation. Its a band-aid. If your on those drugs I encourage you to read the book “The Buddha’s way to happiness” By: Thomas Bien, Ph.D.” That book transformed me. From there you can read more books on the Buddhas way of thinking, and spiritual enlightenment. It will change you, I promise. We were told that we had to switch rooms for “cleaning” but in all reality we were switching rooms because new people were coming.. Everyone lies to you. I lost my amazing roomate. I went to my new room and sat by myself. We all were going to movie night and this crazy girl came in- Two nurses on each side of her basically dragging her in. Guess who my new roommate was... so I get into my room where she is and hope she's cool. I chat with her I'm open and easy going so convo is going good, but it's approaching night time so I have the lamp on and she asked if I could shut it off she only likes the dark. So that's how that next week went total darkness. She lived in a detention home and would constantly run away, and would get sent to the ward. Another newbie that I saw had huge slices all up and down her arms. I still had to do school work when I was there we had a mock up classroom- my school would fax over work. There was a boy there he had to be 8 or 9 I felt bad for him. He was always yelling shouting and would be annoying- this pissed my roommate off a lot and she would pick on him. One day she flipped and we all got sent to our rooms. She took a glove and filled it with water, drew a face on it and pretended it was the boy. She would squeeze it and hit it like it was the boy. She started jumping off the walls- literally. Just insanity. I wanted to just go home. She had been to this place so many times she told me if u write whatever u want on ur food order the kitchen would make it- I had been eating salads for 2 weeks straight because I'm a vegetarian and no one has vegetarian options. I was so sick of salad. So for 2 days before I left I got to have pizza!!! My mom called me and asked me if I wanted to go to Maine and live with my dad who was recovering from crack there. I told her I'd think about it. She called me back another day and told me it was my only option, or they were gonna keep me in the ward longer. So I will on full on happy mode and faked being happy to get the fuck out of there. All the nurses took notice and would comment on how much better I looked. Goes to show u they don't actually dig very deep.

[shann8n-blog]

... following up from the last blog...

I want to mention first before you continue on that I am a very open person. I once met a person and had vomit of the mouth as usual and scared him off. He told me I was “complicated” when I was just telling him parts of my story. This all doesn't define me, I don’t dwell in it. I use to dwell in some parts but It grew me into the person I am today- I am a strong person and I have gone through a lot. The world gives you things that you need to grow from- You need certain experiences to happen in order to achieve your highest being. If I never died I would have walked through life like there's always tomorrow, I wouldn't be grateful, I would have kept manipulating my mom into giving me more money. I would have been lots of terrible things. Maybe I would have become an addict. Who knows.. Simply put, don’t let my life be scary- Its full of lessons. Lessons I’ve learned from. I am not my past. I am what I am today, and I think I’m a pretty good person for the most part. :) and now we continue..

I woke up from this black hole I was in. It felt like a dream, black everywhere. Kind of like the night sky with no stars. It was almost like a tunnel of this, and then I heard something quiet... I listened... it was saying my name, but so quiet I couldn’t hear him. He gradually said my name louder- and I opened my eyes. He was asking me things, and I couldn’t hear his words, I could hear him but not his words. I was freezing, I was so cold, and all I could say back was that I was cold. I said it probably 20 times. “I’m cold.” that's it all I could say. He finally got me a blanket and I stayed silent. I cant remember if I said anything else. I think the overdose effected some sort of memory process. Its like it deleted memories from my mind. I even forgot songs after the accident, and couldn’t re-memorize them for a long time. I still struggle sometimes. Its like it shut down a tiny part in my brain and it doesn’t want to work again. When I woke up I was only minutes from the hospital. It felt like two minutes. The ambulance door opened and my brother, my bf, and my brother’s gf all peaked there head in the doors. Its like they opened the doors and were desperate to see if I was okay. Now I’m borderline in tears- That moment was so deep. I was placed in the hospital a makeshift area behind curtains. I was told to pee in a tub type thing on the bed. They wouldn’t let me get up and use the bathroom. Reason being they wanted to see what was in my system. All sorts of stuff.. It went way back months and months. My mom had no idea. She had been giving me money for months. Lots of money. She had a bf she would visit a state away and it consumed all her time. She didn’t pay any attention to us. Well, she got that call and she was a state away. So my Aunt showed up in her place. My mom thought I tried to kill myself. She went through all my old journals and read them all. I use to cut myself and be suicidal but I was beyond that stage. I wasn’t trying to die. I was trying to get high. My good friends came and saw me the moment they walked in the door was bittersweet. They brought a balloon signed by everyone- but they walked in thinking I tried to commit suicide and I had to explain I didn't. It was so nice that they showed up. My grandma and another one of my aunts came to visit. That was nice too- It’s nice to know your loved. One of my grandmas first questions was if I saw a light or heaven or anything. I told her no, I wish I could have said I did see a light- but I’m not a liar and If I have* too I’m super bad at it. CPS was involved and that's what my mom told them. I tried to kill myself. My bf came a lot too- and he would stay as long as he could, I was told I was going to a different hospital my mom told me there was a person that could look at me better.. as if I was dying and I was not. They had kept me in ICU for the whole week. So the night before transfer they told my bf he couldn’t stay and that broke up both. So I was transferred to the next state over and rode the ambulance the whole way. I get there and bring in my flowers that everyone gave me, my balloon, my phone, and the nurse told me I couldn’t have any of it. That was super weird to me I didn’t understand. I kept my phone and went upstairs. My mom brought me in a room and finally told me I was in a phys ward. Where I would be staying. I still can’t grasp if she really thought I was trying to kill myself. Or was she putting on a show for CPS..? She left me there- and bought me snacks before she left because I was starving. The nurse comes in when my mom leaves and tells me to go to my room- I explained my mom had just bought the snacks and I wanted to finish eating- She told me I could not and I lost my shit. I slammed those tables so hard with my wrists- All the anger I ever had exploded. She threatened me- I can’t remember with what because I was in anger mode so I went to my room- where she looked over my entire body and broke the news that I couldn't have my phone- and when she left I stared out the window- Here I was in prison. I could see the grass but I couldn’t touch the grass. Stuck.

[shann8n-blog]

I wanna talk about my first serious relationship. What I consider a mature serious relationship. I dated this guy from 16-18ish give or take. If it was you and your reading this sorry but I'm about to lay it out there to help other people. It started at a party- I use to go to this house and they had the best fucking parties- we would smoke a bunch of weed and just hangout and all our friends came over- so rad and wish I would have soaked in the moments better. It's all about living in the now and really taking in the moment so please do that. I was with a good girlfriend of mine and it was so weird it was like two guys and it was like who do I pick to makeout with.. wtf. So I had a choice between someone I knew well who I knew was a player or this mysterious guy that I vaughley knew. So mystery guy is was. He had braces never kissed a guy with braces but full on makeout sesh it was. I went home and continued on with life no big deal, and then I hear rocks.. yes movie shit the boy comes over and throws rocks at your window to get your attention. He came over and I can't remember the complete time line but we ended up doing the deed on one of his hang outs. It was my first real* time because my first time didn't work out the best so I don't even count it. So after that we were forever bonded. He was super adventurous which I love. He loved camping and had the coolest best friends. We would hangout by the river and hang empty liquor bottles on a tree- we started doing ecstasy on occasion and we really just lived a really carefree fun hippie like lifestyle. We listed to bob Dylan and the Beatles and a lot of folk music. His mom is a folk artist so it was really neat and her house was so gorgeous. Too gorgeous for words. He drove this red truck and I loved him driving me around- we would always listen to the blonde on blonde album and everytime I hear it to this day it takes me right back to that little red Nissan cruising on all the back roads. Ecstasy led to acid which led to pills... lots and lots of pills. I really don't know what I was thinking I guess he thought it was a good time so I thought it was a good time. Until I overdosed. I actually died... twice I flat lined. I remember he said he loved methadone so I got some money together so we could drive to Clinton and go to the mcdonalds and get his favorite drug. I was so happy to make him happy. It was my first time doing methadone. I got 10 pills and he got a few. I had more then him and I planned to sell half at school. I didn't need them all. I don't have an addictive personality so not having them didn't bother me. I'd get rid of them and help someone else get high no big deal, but he told me no. He said I'd "get in trouble" he "didn't want me to get in trouble" in all reality that was his method of control he wanted the pills and he was gonna make me feel bad so I'll give them to him- stupid for him I just took the rest cuz I'm a bitch, and hate to have people make me feel guilty about shit I shouldn't feel guilty for- stupid for me I thought by taking them and not selling them at school I'd make him feel better knowing I wasn't gonna take them to school. When in reality he didn't actually care. I was borderline 17 at the time. I took I think a total of 5 and got high and I was high for awhile couple hours then we started talking about he other ones and I did the rest- thought I'd get more high too. I took 9 1/2 in total. I have him a pity 1/2 pill cuz he was begging. We fell asleep and he woke up at 530am .. I was turning blue. He screamed for my brother and my brother came down saw me- My bf at the time dialed 911 and hung up on them because they made him mad- never got the details but my brother thankfully called back acted calm and got me the help I needed. That's true love. If it wasn't for my brother I'd be dead. They told me when the ambulance carried me out they hit me on the kitchen counter. My brother was told with no license to the hospital 20 mins away because they could tell my bf was fucked up still. I woke up in the ambulance... to be continued.

[shann8n-blog]

I'll start off by letting you know a little about me. My name is shannon and I am 26 years old. I plan to write a book one day of my life... maybe this is where it will start.. Tumblr. My birthday is October 4th and I love the date 10-4 good buddy. I've only met three people with the same birthday. Only one with the same year and only an hour apart- her name is Britney is she's rad as fuck. I was born in Maine and lived there until I was 11- I then moved to my parents home state to help take care of my grandfather who developed Alzheimer's. That was 2002 ish and he passed away in 2005 after suffering a stroke in the basement of his house. I always wondered why he was even in the basement. It's also haunted and I still think spirits did it. He was out of control at the end he would steal his wife's car keys as he was not suppose to drive and he would drive all over. Luckily he had a buddy who was always around him. I'm pretty sure he worked for the mob. I'm super convinced. When he was in the hospital he would flash nurses.. hysterical. My dad started drinking in 2005 I'm not sure if he fell into his old ways being around his old pals or if he was depressed because his dad was dying. Needless to say he started cheating on my mom, and he stopped coming home. My mom left him and took my brother and I to a house my grandma owned, and we lived there for awhile. My dad started smoking crack and well that's for another blog. I finally moved back to Maine at the age of 25. I've been living here now for 1 year and 2 1/2 months. I'll always regret not moving here sooner but the world had different plans for me. Everything happens for a certain reason right? I bought a house a few months ago and I live with my ex boyfriend... and my youngest brother who is almost 7 his name is Dominick and I'm about to become his legal guardian for life. I will get more into that another time. He is the sweetest kid ever. Really sent from heaven. I like penguins and the color purple. My hair is purple and my eyes are hazel. I'm on ancestry DNA so take yours to see if we're related because my dad was adopted and I don't know who any of his bio family is. My favorite shoes are vans, and spring is my favorite season. I'm a tv binger but enjoy shows rather than movies. "Reality" is my thing but I do love greys anatomy, handmaids tale, 13 reasons why, wentworth and so on. I will binge so hard I will suffer the next day at work since I have to be up and out the door by 430am weekdays. Oh I work at Lowes 6 years and counting- In hopes I won't get fired I will leave it at that haha. Better save then sorry. I started with Lowes to be closer to my boyfriend at the time. Really a terrible idea didn't even have an apartment in that town literally don't know why I thought I could live with him and have a life, and turns out after recently talking to him we were actually dating. I save all my messages always especially from important people. So I scrolled back through time into a time machine really and found out in fact we weren't dating but he did express commitment to me. Oh to be young and so fucking dumb. It's funny the day I interviewed at Lowes as I was driving back to his apartment I got a call from Walgreens wanting an interview so I went and I had two jobs for a few months, but that relationship squashed and it was impossible to live 45 mins away and have to work 5am-10pm between two jobs everyday. I defiantly suffered for those months. So I quit Walgreens and started working back at this gas station in my town and balanced Lowes and the gas station for awhile. That sucked too but Atleast after work at night I could just drive home which was a 5 min drive. Quit the gas station after awhile because 2 jobs sucks. I'm surprised if your still reading because who really takes the time to get to know someone anymore.. and this is really pointless stuff but hey it's my life and this is what this entry is about. I'm rambling :) it's what I do and this is the perfect place.

[shann8n-blog]

To start of this blog I decided to first start with how its going to be. It is going to be super random, and all over the place, because in ones mind---> we are chaotic. We are all over the place. Our thoughts take use to different dimensions-  I think its best to release our inner thoughts, emotions, demons, and blessings. I am on a spiritual journey my friends, and let me share it with you. I created a tumblr account before under an alias- A super depressed alias. An alias that was so sad and so broken. I didn’t want them on this page because they were so twisted and fucked up. That’s were my head space was before I discovered Buddhism and a spiritual awakening. Don’t get me wrong, sadness will always be in me and it will always be in you, but there's a sense of peace when you decide to accept what is, and be mindful of your thoughts emotions and feelings. I think my friends think I’m crazy, but that's okay.. because I am. I am what you think, and I am what I think. :)