sentimentalmillennial

[sentimentalmillennial]

Another day and somehow I still feel like sh*t. Could not sleep last night, crying a lot, hoping my husband would sense it and call me. He didn’t. Woke up today with puffy eyes and no energy to live. Still managed to get the kids out to school and walk the dog. Went back home and cried. Husband has just called me from a break in his morning cycle. He could clearly see I was a mess. I even told him that. He asked why I was feeling like this after such a lovely day yesterday. He did not even stop eating his croissant and drinking coffee when I mentioned the anxiety attack. I am so disappointed with him right now. I know that’s who he is and unless he’s here and can fix something, he just doesn’t know what to do. He just asked stupid questions like “Are the kids at school?”, “Have you used your hair tool yet?” “Have you talked to my mother?” and when I wasn’t talking, he said: “Don’t worry. You’re not that old yet.” Heartbreak emoji.

[sentimentalmillennial]

37th Birthday and anxiety attack in one day! Yay me!

It was my first. Anxiety attack, not birthday of course. It was real and had been brewing all day and finally I could not hold it in any more and lost control. I threw up in a sink, my chest was hurting from struggling to breathe and I could not stop crying. I was so disappointed with today, it hurt. That made me feel even worse when I realised it. Because how selfish and entitled am I to feel like this when people did not make me feel special on my birthday. Some people did but not the ones I really needed to.

Like my husband. He called 2 days ago saying " I just remembered it was your birthday on Tuesday, what do you want?". I know he's super busy at work and he can't spend much time thinking about me. But then he somehow has time to book flights and train tickets and look for a new toilet for our downstairs bathroom. But it's obviously different to thinking about your wife and children and maybe trying to make it a little bit special by asking the children to make me a card or even buying the cards for them. And reminding them to wish me happy birthday in the morning. Eh, never mind.

Children did not realise it was my birthday until I reminded them outside school that we were going out to dinner after school. I got a quick "Happy Birthday" from Daughter and nothing from Son.

I had a quick tea and catch up with a mum friend who always remembers about my birthday, brings a gift (this year it's a cute little olive tree) and makes an effort to ask how I am. That was nice.

Then I met two friends for brunch. Got flowers and gift money from one and a my favourite pedicure voucher from the other. That was nice too. But I could not shake the feeling of sadness that my kids did not remember. And that nobody reminded them.

Also, my MIL called. "Where are you? At the hairdressers?"

Me: "No, having brunch."

MIL: "Oh, OK, when is your birthday? Is it today or tomorrow? Or was it yesterday? Can you come over, I have a card for you."

Me: "It's today. You've known me for 15 years. Maybe it's time to write it down...?"

MIL: "I have it written down. I just never know whether it's 6th or the 8th."

Me: "Thanks"

Just this exchange stressed me out enough to call it a day but it was only 10:30 am.

Husband called around 12. Just a quick one. Asked if the kids remembered. Apparently he reminded them the night before. So it's clear. I'm such a bad mother, they don't care about me at all.

Got home around 1 pm and found a parcel with a gift from husband. John Lewis - next day delivery. Dyson air wrap. I always wanted one. Mentioned it once to husband around Christmas but asked him not to get it because we were already going on holiday in Barbados and that was a present for everyone in the family. It's nice that he remembered. Did not need to spend all that money though. I asked him for the new iPhone when it comes out and I would be fine with just that. He wanted for me to have something today. So he spent a fortune on a gift instead of getting me flowers. His love language is money and gifts. I get it. It's nice. Still felt shitty that kids did not do anything.

I tried to have a nap because I did not sleep well the night before. I muted the phone and was tired but too upset to sleep. I did my hair with Dyson instead.

Picked kids up from school like any day. Once again, no mention about my birthday. Asked them to change quickly and be ready to go out for dinner. "Do we have to go straight away? I'm tired" - from the Son. "OK, I will wear a dress because it's your birthday" - from Daughter.

Met our friends (B and P) and their children at the restaurant. B was with me at brunch and knew about the kids not doing anything. Apparently she asked her son to remind my two last night as well. So they knew. And did nothing. Crying emoji. B, being an amazing friend, got out for blank cards and sharpies and made all 4 kids sit down and create cards for me. They obliged which was sweet. But it did not shake the sadness and growing anxiety. I ordered comfort food only, lots of pasta and cheese. I also declared that I would be having a pudding. There was no need for that as B had also made a cake for me. Sponge with cream and berried. Very nice. Holding back tears was getting hard. I let a few out when P announced that he had paid for dinner because I always do so much for them and it was his pleasure. Heart emoji.

I was ready to go home and cry but had to stop at MIL's. Even kids were not too keen to see her and tried to complain about going there. I told them to stop it and they sensed I was not in a mood for discussion. I was given a card with some money in it and ordered to buy something nice. I will try but nothing looks nice on me these days.

I got home and went straight in my bathroom. Run a bath and got in it. It made me calm down for a while but as soon as I was out of the water, I felt the heaviness on my chest again. I lied down with my phone and answered some birthday messages on Facebook and WhatsApp. Son came in asking for more screen time. Noticed something because he asked if I was OK. I explained that I wasn't and that I wasn't feeling the love from them. He said sorry and was about to walk off. I sarcastically mentioned that a hug would be nice and I got one. Still did not feel better.

When the dog was getting restless, I got dressed and took her out. Really struggled to walk, breathing heavily with an overwhelmingly crushing feeling.

Walked inside and started giving dinner to the dog and cats. Kids noticed I wasn't right. Asked what was wrong but I asked them politely to leave me alone. Finished the job, went upstairs and as soon as I was in my bathroom, I broke down. I could not stop crying. It made me sick. My mouth was dry and I could not calm myself down for a good 10 minutes. Eventually, I improved enough to come out and sit on the bed. About 30 minutes later managed to go downstairs, put left over cake and pizza in the fridge, clear plates kids left out, get some water and turn the lights off.

I knew I had to do something so I remembered about this blog. I even wrote a good part before everything deleted itself and I had to start again. I feel calmer now but still very sad. Husband has not called since I thanked him for Dyson. He could at least ask how my day was. I had no-one I could call and tell how I felt. I really wanted Husband or B to call me. Or anyone to call and ask how I was so I could cry to them a little. It did not happen. So I'm crying here. Feeling sorry for myself. Wondering whether I should look for a therapist. I live in UK - it's not that common here.

[sentimentalmillennial]

I wish my super long post hasn’t just disappeared mid writing.

[sentimentalmillennial]

Accomplishment

I managed to get my kids homework printed and sorted out for the week, take puppy for two walks (still only 20 mins long) and cook two meals for the family and tidy up the kitchen today. Wow. Seriously, this is something to be proud of. I have energy levels oscillating usually around 5% and today I made it to maybe 8% and I feel proud of myself. I was careful about eating too. And I noticed that if I wait with breakfast until 11ish then I have more energy to do things in the morning, before I eat. I might stick to that.

Also, puppy parent win: Puppy napped in her cage twice without us making her do it. At least she likes it in there. If only she stopped crying every time we leave her in it locked in... Little steps. Little steps.

[sentimentalmillennial]

Me again

I’ve just had a rush of excitement when I remembered about writing on here. 

Today was better. Kids hid from us all day in their rooms. They knew they had to do homework before anything else, so they did not bother coming down and asking for iPads or TV because they knew what the answer would be. I took it easy, did barely anything and then floated in our pool a little. Puppy was behaving and having fun meeting other dogs on two short walks.

I am trying to get myself to move more and I must say, taking Puppy out helps a little. I really have to move even when it is the last thing that I want to do. 

[sentimentalmillennial]

Ahhhh...

I am not happy. I have been hiding in the bedroom since dinner. Had a massive rush of anxiety and felt really down and grumpy so I left the family and locked myself upstairs. I have not been feeling well for a week, I have no idea what is going on with my health (liver and PCOS), I can’t really talk to G. about it because he does not get it and on top of that, kids need constant supervision with their school work, I am the only one who is training the puppy and giving her the attention she needs and G. works outside all day (”I just want to finish the patio, Honey, so we can finally relax in here!”) and does not help with neither kids nor the dog.

I put Luna in her pen when I was cooking dinner and she cried the whole time. Only when we sat down to eat at the table next to her cage, she calmed down and went to sleep. I am so worried that she’s going to have separation anxiety - she follows us everywhere. It’s been 3 weeks and she still cries every time we put her in her cage. I have read and watched so many guides on how to deal with it but she just cries as soon as she’s locked in and unless we sit close to her, she does not calm down. Will try again tomorrow.

I am downloading old games on my laptop. The Sims 4, Sim City, Two Point Hospital and Cities:Skylines. I decided I need some me and my mac time with no responsibility for anything real. 

[sentimentalmillennial]

First post

Hello, this is me. I need to write somewhere about what is going on, otherwise, I do not feel right. I used to blog all the time until 2012 when my two gremlins were born and I stopped having time for anything. Or I simply became exhausted and stopped caring. I used to be organised. And tidy. And loved spending nights on internet, writing, reading, meeting new people. I must have aged 40 years in the last decade. But I do want to find this old me and be her sometimes. It helps me. If only I could find my old energy back too, it would be great. 

Anyway, I have never used Tumblr before, so I am just trying it on.