sentimental-memories

[sentimental-memories]

The last year has been rough and wild. I never thought my life could change in so many ways so fast.

In June I moved into my first solo apartment, how exciting! I was so proud, it was more space than I needed, the cutest set up, a rough lil area that made me feel alive. Everything was going great. However, I wasn’t expecting all of that to change in the blink of an eye at 1am.

I was awoken by someone banging on the door leading to my apartment stairs, based on the pic I’m sure you get what happened. He was alerting me that there was a fire in full force happening downstairs. I believe my mom had something to do with getting me out of there bc I shouldn’t have woken up. I take precautions to NOT wake up throughout the night. I didn’t have any flames reach me, only severe smoke damage. Most of my books still have soot on them, whichI’m most upset about.

After going through all the hoops in November we came to the biggest obstacle: ”Yeah, Ms. you’re apartment is uninhabitable and you’ll have to be out within the week.” Not being in the best mental state and not having anyone (My Mom) to ask foro advice/ help I immediately had a mental broke down; I attacked my car… I’d say I won but my hand says different. You decide.

The whole month of November I was living in hotel rooms. Constantly being disregarded by everyone involved in cleaning my apt and being flat out ignored by the apt office. I think my reaction to being told I couldn’t return was understandable. I was so scared that I was going to be homeless. At the time I didn’t have any money saved up to pay a deposit and first months rent anywhere. I kept asking my Mom what I was to do. She would’ve known, she would’ve already had a plan.

So I started calling any apartment complex that had units posted online. I was kind of desperate. Within 24 hours I had found 15 units and none were available to move in asap. Until I found this unit posted a couple days prior. I messaged, she called. I applied, she said when can I move in. After looking at the unit that weekend she had agreed on the move in date of the following Wednesday.

A month after moving in my brother told me his dog was pregnant. My therapist had a diagnosis for me, and an emotional support animal was in the cards. Now it’s been 3 months since I’ve had any mental breakdown-esk problems, my anxiety has been averted to my past traumas instead of current stressors. I’ve since learned a lot about myself. And I’m a few days into being a Dog Mom.

Even though Nov hold a lot of bad energy it also brought my to someone who has never made me feel more alive. How cheesy right. He makes me feel safe, understood, happy. He’s the biggest gentleman I’ve ever experienced. He reminds me just how special I am, constantly reassures me. We’ve talked about everything and can still have day long conversations about something different. The joy and excitement I’m filled with when I hear his voice, see him, and even just think about him is unmatched. I appreciate him and how he fits into my life. I’m grateful for meeting him and being able to experience all that we have and all that we will. It’s still a new relationship but I don’t want to imagine my life without him. He wants me to be happy regardless what that looks like. I wish the same for him 10 fold. He came into my life at a vulnerable time and he’s treated my accordingly. He’s so gentle. Gives me space when needed but most importantly he communicates with me. The slightest discomfort we’ve had is quickly addressed and corrected. If I didn’t have an emotional support animal he would be a great back up lol.

[sentimental-memories]

Let me tell you about my November…

Right off the jump on Nov 3rd at 12:44am my apartment building catches fire and completely torches the family’s apartment. I’m talking when the flames were gone so were the walls. I definitely feel for them. I hope the best for them. I was sleeping in my apartment on the top (3) floor while theirs is on the ground floor, but across the hall.

My apartment suffered a lot of smoke damage as well as my lungs. I talked to the Fire Chief, around 3am, and he said “you can go in your unit and see if its ok to stay there. If not come back down and let us know. We’ll all Red Cross for you.” Call me crazy but I thought fire fighters were supposed to enter possibly effected units before the residents do? Idk it could just be a me thing. I go in and open my windows in every room, while choking on the air. I pulled my trampoline chair into the front door frame of my apartment and watched Bob’s Burgers until 5:30am, which was when the smoke was out of my apartment enough that i could fall asleep and not gag on it. Was it smart to go to sleep in there that night? No, but never once will i admit to being that smart.

After going to Target and spending over $100 on cleaning supplies and maybe some alcohol, I went to town on those floors. The whole floor was black from the amount of soot and smoke on them. I know smoke is basically air but I didn’t anticipate it causing that much chaos in such a small apartment. it was on every inch of my things; under the bathroom sink items, in my kitchen cabinets, in my dresser drawers, EVERYWHERE. It was very exhausting, as one could imagine. By that weekend I got a call from my apartment building office and the girl said someone from somewhere came in and “said it was uninhabitable at this time” and if I could go somewhere else that would be in my best interest.

At this point I had stayed in the apartment for 2 nights after the fire because I had no where else to go. I’d never been faced with something like this before and had no idea if that was ok or what I was supposed to do. Of course I had already called my insurance company because I do have renters insurance. So my insurance found me a hotel to stay in the same day, booked for 2 weeks. On that Monday, my apartment management office called me again and when I mentioned I was staying in a hotel because the lady said it was uninhabitable the man said “I’m not sure why she said it was uninhabitable, no one has a informed us of that.” Which I found that odd because he was the head office man and the lady that called me doesn’t have a direct voicemail line so she’s just customer service repy of some kind. My thing is she had no business calling me and telling me that unless she was told to right? So why was i told that? Explain. But he also told me within that week there would be a cleaning company in my unit to asses the damage and see about cleaning it.

The following week someone from the cleaning company called me and said someone would be in with THAT week to take pictures of my unit. On the 18th someone came to take those pictures. On the 23rd someone came to pick up my fabric items to clean those. I was told that day someone would call me about picking up everything else. I didn’t receive a call for that until 12/3. My case got switched to two different insurance adjusters on last Thursday too. During this whole time I’ve been staying in hotels and living out of a suitcase. I was this week that the apartment has asbestos and mold growing in the walls so now everyone is being forced to move elsewhere. The Health Department isn’t letting anyone in the building for the predicted 6 months it’ll take to clean the structure. I talked to the apartment manager and he said “it’s not our job to help place residents” when I asked what they were doing to help those effected that are now homeless. It wasn’t disclosed to me whenever signing my lease that there was the possibility of asbestos present. I’m not entirely sure if that is illegal but I think it should be. I stayed there for 6 months prior to the fire with asbestos in the walls and on my heaters.

Not many people have shown much apathy for my situation or for how i might be handling the situation. Which I’ll tell ya, I haven’t been handling it very well.

Just about every week turn every day I’ve cried to some extent from the stress and uncertainty I’m feeling. I wouldn’t have had a problem if Mom was here because she would’ve known what to do. She would’ve drove up here that night to stay with me and we would’ve gotten a hotel room. She probably would’ve tried to stay the whole weekend if I’m being honest. My mom would’ve called the insurance company asap and would’ve known all the right people to call and the right amount of pressure to apply to have all of this resolved with in the month. she would’ve handled it like a bad ass.

I’ve learned a lot about myself during this time. The main thing i learned is I’m not good under pressure. I don’t trust myself to make important decisions.

Anyway hopefully this is resolved quickly and I’m not homeless for the holidays. xoxo.

[sentimental-memories]

TW: There are negative body image/weight discussed.

Something people don’t talk about when dealing with grief is how much your body changes through the process. Within the last two months I have lost over 20 pounds.

Ironically enough, I have always worked out and tried to lose weight and tried to look a certain way and I always said “well if i just lose weight it’ll be easier to achieve that look.” I can honestly and confidently say I have never hated the way I looked so much. I’m not sure if it’s because of the circumstances I’ve lost the weight or simply how I look now but I am disgusted. I think I look sickly thin. I don’t look healthy to myself. I’m embarrassed for how much weight I’ve dropped. I’m trying to go easy on myself because I just haven’t had an appetite these last few months. And it’s honestly not my fault that I haven’t ate, I’m not deliberately trying to starve myself, i just haven’t felt hungry. Of course, it’s understandable and I am forcing myself to eat at least two times a day but it’s very hard.

I think I’m having a lot of anxiety around it and around how quickly I should “get better.” I really just want to give myself time to heal but I want to see change. I want to see meat on my bones, I want to stop hitting my hips off things, even what used to be a small *boink* is now a catastrophic bone breaking collision. I want to be able to pinch my stomach together again. I want to have tummy rolls again. I want my thighs to touch again. I want my arms to wave in the wind when i wave again. I want to have a nice juicy booty again. I want to fit into my small sports bras and have solid B cups again. I want my jeans to fit again, actually I want them to be too small again. I want my T-shirts to stop looking like dresses on me. I want to feel pretty again.

I guess I should think about what my mom would say to me right now… lets see, she’d definitely say something like “you look fine” or “you’ve always been pretty.” I hope she would tell me that my appearance isn’t what makes me pretty. That my personality is what makes me pretty. That my goals and ambition makes me pretty. That my humor makes me pretty. That I have the most electric personality that draws people in and then the combination of my smile, humor, ambition and sense of style is what then keeps people around. That I’m the most positive, supportive, caring, and precious soul there is and that is why people gravitate towards me, not my physical appearance. I think my mom is watching me with pain in her eyes because of how poor I’ve been thinking of myself lately. I think she would give me the biggest cuddles and tell me that in time I’ll be ok again.

I don’t think I could it into words how much I miss her. I would give anything to hear any type of advice from her.

[sentimental-memories]

Last night I asked myself that century old question: Why me, why my mom?

I thought I was ok with the fact that “shit happens” but I’m not. I don’t understand why the universe wanted my mom. I don’t understand why I had to lose my mom now, before I’ve started any of my life. My mom never even got to see me in love. I don’t understand it and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t think it’s something that can be understood, just something that happens. So, I sat in the tub and cried my eyes out.

There’s a level of emotions that comes with thoughts of my mom. It’s a massive mix of empathy, sadness, yearning, and love. Sometimes when I think of my mom I’ll cry because the overwhelming sense of love I have for her, based off the other entries it’s clear she’s my soul. Those happy cry moments are the faintest reminders of the happiness I once felt. I love being able to tell people about the jokes she would tell or just how goofy she was as a whole. She was so quick with have a sassy come back, there were so many times she commented on our ability to do the same thing… wonder is she put it together where we got it from?

I yearn for the time I see my mom again. I know that sounds morbid but hear me out. I don’t wanna die, but if it happens I won’t be upset because I believe I’ll see my mom in that moment. I don’t know what’s gonna happen after we die. I believe in the afterlife, not so much like Heaven and Hell more just spirits in their own world. Maybe its just our souls walking around someplace that looks exactly like the world we know, maybe we create our own world and we just live in it with all the people we knew in this world until we’re put in a new vessel. I think it’s normal to think about stuff like this after losing someone. I think it’s almost right to question everything you thought you believed of the after life.

I feel bad for me and my siblings. I feel bad for my mom too. I don’t think any of us deserved this. I don’t think that we should have lost our person so young. The worst part wasn’t how much it hurt to lose my mom. The worst part is having to go through every single day with a massive caseload of feelings and not knowing what they are, why you’re feeling them, what you can do to make the heavy feeling go away. The worst part is not being able to ask your mom how to properly make chicken, or how to work the oven part of your gas stove, or if you should come home for two days or stretch it out for five since you don’t have to work, or what outfit you should wear on the town with your friends. There are so many small things that crush me each and every day.

[sentimental-memories]

Yesterday marked 6 months without my mom. 6 months. Half a year. Half way around the sun. I couldn’t tell you what’s happened to me these last few months. It feels only one day has passed. Time hasn’t moved the same since. It’s like I’m frozen in time but every once in a while I’ll get glimpses of my actual life happening around me.

6 months is a long time to go without hearing the sweet sound of my mom’s laugh, of being enclosed in the worlds safest arms, and of constantly being scolded for teasing my brother and sister. Every day I hope for a text passive aggressively reminding me to do my FAFSA or asking me how apartment searching is going. Trying to figure out all of life constant shit storms without her is the hardest and most scariest thing I have ever done. It’s so scary out there. My mom would’ve found me an apartment within a day of finding out I needed to move. She would always do anything in her power to help us if we needed. Half the time we didn’t even have to ask, she would just tell you what you have to do as soon as you told her your problem. I now deeply miss her telling me how to fix my problems, especially when I already knew what to do.

Most days I get stuck on what I’m going to have to face without my mom. I think about my wedding, having kids, graduating college, moving in with a partner for the first time. Everything that requires a late night heart to heart, proably crying, with your best friend. I keep thinking about how the person who deserves to be there the most isn’t going to be there. She’s the person who got me to where I am today, mentally, physically, financially. She was my backbone through everything. We should be celebrating these milestones together in the conscious world.

The last time I was home, I visited my mom’s resting place, I had just come from a virtual medium reading where I had thankfully heard from my mom. I was talking to my mom about what all took place during the reading and telling her how baffled I was. Right after the reading there was this overwhelming feeling of love and safety. I felt my mom so much during that reading, its an experience I will cherish for the rest of my life. I miss my mom every second of every day and I truly can’t wait to see her again. I can’t wait to tell her all the amazing things I’m going to achieve. She is my inspiration to be great because she’s so great. I was able to tell my mom how much coming forward meant to me that day, how amazing it is to be her child, and how I’ll always have a connection with her soul. For me, being able to bear my heart, love, and gratitude for her was very important in that moment. It was more than just talking to the abyss, I was talking with my mom at the dinner table. I got to say things that I’ve felt my whole life but for some reason I couldn’t say out loud, or didn’t know how to, or felt there wasn’t the time for. But every time is a good time to tell those you love how much you love them, that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned so far.

-B

[sentimental-memories]

My mom has always been a big plan in my future. I’ve of course already thought about my wedding day, the day I become a mom, the day my kids go to college, and my mom was always right there. She has always been the first phone call or text message after receiving any news on anything. Hot work gossip? Mom knew. Boy troubles? Already predicted it to her. Academic fails? Always had some encouragement to offer and solution to try. She knew everything I was going through and was going to be there for everything I went through. I’ve been trying to find a new apartment and the amount of times I went to text her or was expecting for her to ask in the group chat is like counting how many times you breath in a day. I don’t know what I’m doing, who to ask for help, and what help I need. It just feels like an uphill battle against boulders. Even after I find on I have no clue what the process is to get an apartment. I just found out you can suggest things if you were denied for certain things which is good to know. Then after securing a place I have to figure out how to get my stuff moved in when I have all of no people around me that would help move someone in. Have I asked anyone? No, but I don’t think that would be on anyone’s idea of a favor. I do have my beloved soul sister, she’s agreed to come assist. I should probably sign a lease before asking for move in help though. Then I have to graduate by myself? That’s scary!

I remember about a year ago, asking my mom if she wanted me to walk for my college graduation, which wasn’t for another two years at the time, and she said that it was up to me. She was always the most supportive person and never pressured us to do anything we didn’t want to do. Even if we weren’t the nicest kids sometimes. There hasn’t been many college graduates in my family so it’s kind of a big deal. I think personally too. It’s important to me I graduate and have a successful life. That’s how I’ve always invisioned my life. With my mom next to me every step of the way. Thinking about going through every scary milestone in my life without my mom is ten grades scarier than my worst nightmare.

And believe me, I fully believe she’s always with me. I just can’t ask her “what the fuck am I supposed to be doing?”

That’s my biggest question.

- B

[sentimental-memories]

I am a very creative person. I always have been. I’ve always connected with books and music the most. I’ve been reading since I was a child, my first big series was Twilight, like the typical pre-teen trying to be an adult and know what love is. It was good at the time... now other thoughts. Books always gave me the escape of my otherwise non eventful childhood. I wasn’t in with any one type of kids, a chameleon personality is what its called I think. I heard that on a video probably so definitely not a reliable source in the slightest. I never had much drama in my life, even now I’m pretty bland in that department. So reading will always be my escape world. I’m mostly into singer songwriter type of music, or I call them sing songs. I’ve always loved to sing even though I don’t think I’m good at it, so if the music is beautiful lyrically and vocally, I’ll enjoy it very much. Music that tell a story is top tier for me.

When my mom passed away I decided I should step up and handle the planning while my siblings use that time to feel how they needed to. Their emotional state was the most important thing to me in that moment. Along with picking out the casket, deciding on flowers, and a lot of other excruciating decisions came the visual memory display. This is where they pay a slideshow of all the memories of the person we’re honoring, with the soundtrack of their life playing behind them. This is the most important part of the service to me, this is where you tell their life exactly how they lived it. All of their most beautiful family members and all their adoring friends on repeat to remind everyone of how much love was in those moments. My mother was an 80’s rockstar, Def Leopard, Journey, Skid Row, we could name them all. So my musical taste is now very dated for my age, thanks Mom. While putting together the service list I got the idea to take all of my mom’s thumbs up songs off Pandora and put them into a playlist. Which was 100% one of the best idea’s I’ve ever had. I now listen to that playlist every week if not every day. It’s the best playlist to ever exist and I will stand by that, you’re dad’s would love it. Of course, I added songs that make me and my siblings think of her. I highly encourage it for any of your favorite people.

Those are the little nuggets that are really special.

- B

[sentimental-memories]

Hey friends.

I’ve never posted on tumblr before because I felt I had nothing to say but a few months ago my world changed completely.

I’m a small town girl but have been living in Cleveland, Oh for the past 4 years, I’m 22 years old. I am about to enter my 2nd senior year of college! My family lives 3-4 hours south of Cle, even though I live so far from them we are such a close knit family. However, in December my mother passed away. She was the person who made the party, her smile would light up the room, she was the first person you looked for when you walked in to make sure you were in the right place. She was incredible. She is incredible. I am shattered.

Grief is something that looks different on everyone and in no way shape or form am I representing how you should grieve or anything remotely close to that. I am simply posting my experiences in hopes that someone that’s going through this doesn’t feel as alone. Its the most terrifying time of my life but I think we go on this journey together then we can all hopefully benefit from this.

There isn’t a game plan for this page as far as what I’ll be posting or what avenue we’ll go down, we’ll just see what happens. I can’t wait to see how this adventure goes with you all.

If you have any questions for me feel free to message me!

- B