senpaiiventblog

[senpaiiventblog]

5 / 25 / 2024

(couldn't reblog the post, so I took a screenshot of it)

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This post made me genuinely cry.

I cannot properly express how much I needed this post, and to be told this in these exact words. My trauma is very specific, so certain tones/words really effect how I will react to someone. And if they are trying to help me, THIS is how I want it to be told. I want it to be with sweet but strict words, I want the person to say they genuinely care and they see the issue and they are listening to me. If I don't hear that, I will assume the person is going to legit hurt me and I will get immediately defensive. And I know it's wrong to assume the worst out of others, but my brain can't tell the difference between genuine help and someone screaming at me (because again with the trauma when I feel attacked I think the person is yelling at me).

But this post helped me learn a new perspective, that I've literally been 'comfort rotting' most of my life. And it is 100% a trauma response in my case, if I didn't have my interests/hobbies I'd be long since dead from suicide. And it is true, I don't even feel like I'd stick around for my loved ones because I see my existence as a curse that is only meant to harm them. And though I know they say different, that my life does have meaning, I just don't feel the same way as them. Because every single day, I have to wake up and keep myself from just staying in bed all the time (which 90% of the time doesn't work) and I have to remind myself to eat. And that's not even getting into things like showers or brushing my teeth.

I am truly a mess of a person. I am 27, I have disabilities that make me unable to have a normal job, and I am 'too young' for anyone to believe that I am truly in need of help. And what's worse is these stupid 'waiting games', where I just sit around and twiddle my thumbs in the hopes that things go alright. Because I'm the type of person who does prefer immediate action, having to wait more than a day or two to see if I'll get any help (or even a job) literally makes me go insane with panic. Too many times have I waited MONTHS, only to find out that the help I was hoping to get was revoked and now I'm back at square one. Oh, and with the current state of the US as a whole, I'm even more terrified now that I'll end up on the streets because they're trying to take away things like disability entirely.

But, I guess I do have one thing keeping me going still. I just think of what Deku would say/do if he saw my situation. I know it's a very cringe thing to do, but honestly it's saved my sanity more times than I'd like to admit. And truth be told, I know he'd tell me to keep on trying - that he is proud of how far I've come, and how much it shows my strength against the odds. I honestly wish anime characters like him were real, maybe the world would be a much better place if we had Deku in charge of things. But keeping this in mind, I have promised myself that I'd try just for him. If I can't do it for myself or my loved ones, the least I could do is try to make Deku proud of me.

EDIT: So I just learned that there is a type of autism called 'ADF' or 'APD' (can't remember the exact acronym) and it basically explains how I react to tone and why I have specific trauma with it. So Imma look into it more.

[senpaiiventblog]

5 / 21 / 2024

I've been thinking, and I know I still have five months before the deadline...but what if I end up in one of those assisted living places? Would it finally get me what I want/need, to have people finally believe that I am truly 'disabled enough' to need help?

I think one large issue is, I've been living with other people. And those other people make their own money, so those who sign off on disability see my case and say 'well this person can just take care of you they have enough for you to live'. They did the same thing when I was 16, but my mom was severely disabled even back then and they still denied the both of us. So I've just been thinking, maybe it's that same situation except I actually have a 'caretaker' (my brother) that they take into account.

So I'm going to talk to my brother more, see if we can look into those kinds of places early. Because I don't want it where I'm on the streets, and he can't find me a place to live because they still assume I'm living with him after the 5 month mark. I'll still be looking for online jobs and all that, I'm just scared that everything will fall apart and I'll be homeless/dead before Christmas.

[senpaiiventblog]

5/15/2024

People can be really cruel.

It's no surprise that I am mentally/physically disabled. I've talked about it so much over the years, but now that I'm just wanting general help with it people keep on asking the same things I've already answered several times over within just the past week. And that's not too bad, I don't mind answering at all. I am one who is always 100% open with my issues, as my trauma largely deals with people telling me I was lying about it and being scared that maybe I was in fact a 'faker'.

Well, I've been experiencing quite a bit of that lately. And I know that posting on places like Reddit wasn't the smartest idea, but I did find a disability subreddit that gave me legit advice that I was looking for (like looking up support groups and encouragement to keep trying). Which has been truly my saving grace, honestly I've been following all the advice I got and it's been working pretty smoothly.

BUT.

At some point, I decided to post a vent/rant about the fact that disability is treated so poorly and those who have non-physical disabilities (like me - mine are 90% emotional disorders) are not able to as easily get things like support or disability. And oh my gosh, it was like I opened the pits of hell right under my own feet. It was an influx of people asking what my specific disabilities were (which again I don't mind doing - it is not a big deal for me to speak openly about them) and then people just lashing out at me. Saying my disabilities were 'not that bad', that I should 'grow up' and 'get a job' and all that.

It was insane, people - including others with their own disabilities - were just saying everything that I remember my own family saying when I was a kid...no, it was way worse. Because others were saying that their disabilities were 'worse' than mine, that they 'deserved disability aid more' and I should just 'suck it up'. There was NO empathy or sympathy in the responses, just constant berating on my specific situation and disabilities. Oh, and then when I defended myself...that's when people were really accusing me of being an awful person.

I think my post ended up actually getting taken down by the mods on that specific sub-reddit, it got SO many downvotes within two days. But still, it just showed me that venting about an issue that every disabled person was dealing with lead to everyone going on a witch hunt - trying to find an excuse to berate a disabled person who needed help, just to make themselves feel better. I do wish emotional disorders were talked about more openly, because those who suffer from them (like me) do not get any form of respect or dignity. It's like we're all narcissists, rather than people who have specific traumas and specific ways of dealing with it.

This wasn't as sad as my other posts on here, but this just REALLY pissed me off so badly. Even my loved ones agree the responses I got were extremely heartless, but at least I did get a couple good souls leading me in the right direction so I can get the help I actually need. I thanked them for their help right away, and went to check what they gave me. I just hope things get better, especially since I've been hearing some states are outright trashing government assistance (including disability funds) because 'people need to work more'. And that was what my rant/vent post to reddit was actually about, but I guess everyone else just missed the point.

This was a super long post, I needed to talk about this because it's been bugging me. And I haven't been able to sleep - I'm on my period, plus my tooth decided to punch my mouth and stick toothpicks up my gums for funsies (I'm doing a cold compress and I can feel the throbbing but there's no pain so yippee). It is not a good night for me tonight, I need some coffee and chocolate.

[senpaiiventblog]

5 / 11 /2024

I feel sick. I hate this.

I am so stressed out, I feel like throwing up. And I still have found NO job, am I gonna have to do O*lyF*ns now? That thought genuinely terrifies me, I don't see it as a viable option for me to do as a job at all. I just wish I was able to do art like I wanted, but every time I got close to my dream it was pulled away from me. I just wish I were gone, just take a nap forever or something like that.

[senpaiiventblog]

5/5/2024

I thought I was doing better. I thought things would be ok. But all my progress feels like it was just dumped out so carelessly, like a bucket of once fresh but now rotten fish being thrown on the scorching asphalt of a hot summer day.

I have a whole 6 months to find a job, or my brother is kicking me out. This terrifies me so much, and not for lack of trying to find any semblance of work that I can do. I had been trying for the past couple weeks, but it's not enough. It's NEVER enough.

But, I am holding onto what my brother said - he doesn't want to do this to me. He cares so much, he doesn't want me homeless or dead on the streets if he can help it. He's just tired of the struggle, especially since I'm disabled to this degree and cannot do most normal work.

I am just so scared, and I hate myself so much. If I were more normal, if I wasn't disabled...then I'd be in a better place than this. I know it's true, and it hurts every single time I'm reminded of this misery. I actually threw up over this, just knowing that my disabilities have pushed my brother to the point of even entertaining kicking me out and setting a deadline for me getting a job.

At least I have six months though. His work buddies suggested only three months, but even he knew that such a short deadline would not work out. He doesn't want me to be actually gone, which is the only hope I can hold onto now.

And at least I have been getting recommendations for jobs from others, I may actually look into getting a security job somewhere if they have those in this dead-end town. But I'm not too hopeful on that, because this town is so shitty I haven't even been able to get that Cart Retrieval job I wanted so many years ago.

[senpaiiventblog]

5/4/2024

I'll probably forget this later, but I just had a realization.

My core issue is needing validation. My entire life, it is what I've sought out in others - the feeling of having my thoughts and beliefs not being denied outright. It's why I let so many things happen to me, why I never spoke up about the abuse or neglect until the moment I started searching for answers on my own. And even then, I still never got that part of me healed...I don't think I ever truly will, especially now since my mom is truly gone.

My mom was a big factor in my seeking of validation. Though, at the same time, I also knew it was all wrong and there was that conflict within me. Just seeing my mom allow everything to happen, wanting to fix things myself but being discouraged every time I tried to. And it's why, whenever I remember these things, I just get pissed off.

At my core, I am the type who wants to correct the bad things and make the situation better. But that fire in me was squashed out, not entirely but enough to become toxic (like burning plastic instead of wood). And now that the source of my hatred is gone, it feels like I'm just stuck in a loop - a purgatory of my own making, filled with crushed hopes and bad memories.

It hurts whenever I slip back into reality, and it's why I often forget that I write these things. My brain literally will make me forget, like how I was back in the day when I had to for survival. It's not always so bad, I'm actually pretty calm while writing this out. But I do have times where I can't function at all, it's a slippery slope and feels like I'm in a vat of oil that makes it unable to grip and pull myself up long enough to just breathe.

Mental disabilities and trauma are no joke. It's altered so much of my thought process and personality, just on the basis of surviving the abuse I was put under for so long. It's constant anger, forgetting, and just trying to pick up the pieces as they keep on trying to break over and over again. I've been able to keep some stuff intact, but it's not really much easier than before.

[senpaiiventblog]

4/16/2024

My birthday is this month, on the 28th to be precise. And it feels so depressing.

I'll be 27, and I have nothing to show for it.

I am mentally/physically disabled, to the point where I can't work any form of regular job. I can't deal with people, I freak out too easily, I take things too personally...and now, I deal with a chronic heart condition that could kill me in the next couple years (I was diagnosed three years ago with it and those who have it normally don't live beyond those first five years after the diagnosis).

I have not truly worked a day in my life, the closest was me doing so to keep my benefits. But even then, I was taken out of that environment because of how toxic it was for me. And I didn't even keep the benefits, I went to therapy and did all they told me to but they eventually just cut me off entirely. And it still bothers me.

I feel like I basically have to be at death's door before anyone believes I am 'disabled enough' to need help. But I don't even fully believe that, because my mom (who was 45 at the time) was slowly dying and all they did was put her in a nursing home. They didn't even let her keep her benefits, it was insane how much they gaslit her until she just gave up.

I guess I'm really just scared. I am ok with what little I do have, because it makes me happy. So it's hard for me to imagine more for myself, when I try to I just see nothing. I get scared that I'll fail, so I stick to things I know that I can do. I just want to be happy, I want to be worry free and just live on my bed. And with my current health, that seems to be the track I'm taking regardless.

Each little bit makes me want to give up more, I feel so alone all the time and every little mistake I make just feels like another twist of the knife.

[senpaiiventblog]

kint cardigan & long skirt(earlyaccess)

[senpaiiventblog]

I Hate Everything

Why is it so hard to have anyone believe me? Why do I have to constantly fight, just to 'prove' that I need help? Why is it that, when people see the list of my mental and physical issues, suddenly I'm a 'faker'?

I am often haunted by the fact that people can just look and judge me based on my appearance.

Yes, I am overweight. Yes, my clothes are dirty and I haven't taken a shower in months. Yes, my bed is a mess and I have garbage bags around it.

But no one ever seems to want to know more, they don't want to know that my brain slips in and out of reality 90% of the time. They don't want to know that I get easily overwhelmed with the process of starting a shower, or that I get anxious over the fact that I don't always have my medical supplies to do it safely even once a week. They don't want to know that I used to have severe food insecurities, and sometimes the stress I deal with results in me slipping back into those old habits.

It's just so hard for people to see me as a genuine person, no matter how hard I try to just make them aware of why I do things. Because every time I do, I get so much resistance that I'd rather just not deal with people at all. Which is sad, because with my current health I need other people to help me through things.

[senpaiiventblog]

Why Is It So Hard To Talk?

Seriously, I get this issue all the time. I think everything is going alright, only to see later on that I fucked something up.

Basically, what happened was that I had a drink with my brother's partner. They were hammered, but I only got a bit buzzed (I'm not a drinker type but I thought 'what the hell?' and joined them). We chatted, hung out and played cards...it was all chill.

Then, when they went to the bedroom to go to bed, I overheard what they said. Apparently, my brother's partner was upset because they included me in the drinking. I had obviously consented to it, but at NO POINT did they bring up that they felt bad about drinking around me. They even cried in the shower, and I ended up feeling like shit for joining in.

And this is exactly why I keep my distance from them both. It honestly feels like I'm not included in most things, even if things happen naturally it still makes me feel worse after. I understand they have their alone time and all that, I get they need their personal space. But when it's a situation where I'm included, only to have one (or both) say that I was 'bothering' them behind my back...it hurts.

I just feel really bad, like I messed up something during all this. Should I have said no to their offer to drink? Should I have just avoided them the entire night? I honestly have no clue what to think, but if I bring it up his partner will get upset because I heard what they said. So I'm just stuck like this, confused and upset because I feel like I should just stay away from them both.

For context: My brother is very sensitive about drinking in front of me, he doesn't even talk about it to me at all. As such, I can only talk to his partner about it and I get in trouble if I bring up anything drinking related to my brother. It's his boundary, and I respect it. Their partner also has severe anxiety, they asked several times while drinking if I was ok and to not 'judge' them for being hammered the entire time. But not once did my brother bring up that he was angry/upset about me joining in, I only heard him say it was 'all my fault' as I had consented to drinking with them.