scripturegirl

[scripturegirl]

The Growing Scripture Girl

I recently got a dramatic haircut. My hair that I had grown out for 3+ years that fell below my chest, was cut to just above my shoulders. I was scared to do it, especially since it was kind of an impulsive decision I hadn’t taken much time to think about, but for some reason I knew I needed to do it, so I just did.

In my prayer time tonight, I kept thinking about the haircut, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that God is using even something as small and insignificant as a haircut to show His plan and faithfulness. This sounds VERY dramatic, but just hear me out. 😂

I had grown my hair out for 3+ years. I was feeling so uninspired with it, and walked around with it in a messy bun 90% of the time. Getting a haircut crossed my mind once or twice in the last couple years, but for some reason I insisted on keeping it long.

I’m in a season where I’ve never been closer to God than I am right now. He’s pulled back the layers and uncovered things I didn’t know were buried, exposing areas in my life that needed deeper healing than I realized. And while I’ve had moments of struggle; for the most part I’ve been obedient and allowed Him free rein in my life. Some of this has been great. Some of it not so great; like the removal of certain things, people, and habits I didn’t want to lose.

As soon as I cut my hair, I couldn’t believe how much better I felt. It was like I finally took a deep exhale without even realizing I had been holding my breath this whole time. I felt free, and light. And all I had to do was sit through the 10 minutes it took to cut it, to get there. 10 minutes of wondering if this was a mistake, and would I really like it? A moment of slight discomfort, for almost instant relief.

In case you don’t already see where I’m going with this; it’s very similar to when God removes the dead things from our lives that we need to let go of. These things that are dragging us down need to be cut, in order to make room for growth. I insisted on keeping my hair long. but it was so dead that it wasn’t possible for it to grow any longer. By holding onto what was dead, it was denying myself the opportunity for even longer hair. By holding onto habits we know aren’t good, or people who aren’t bringing out the best in us, we’re denying ourselves of all God has for us, who He wants us to be, and how He wants us to live. 

Haircuts are temporary; so even if you get a bad one, hair grows back, and it’ll be okay. And we can also apply this level of confidence to God cutting things out of our lives; there’s no mistakes when He’s holding the scissors, so we can rest and believe He knows what He’s doing. Allow him to step in, and make room for the growth He wants you to experience. 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  -- Romans 8:28

“So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is significant, but God, who keeps everything growing, is the one who matters.” -- 1 Corinthians 3:7

[scripturegirl]

The Healed Scripture Girl

This week has been a struggle for me, as it marks the one year anniversary of the hardest week of my life. I knew at the time that it was a battle, but I honestly didn’t expect it to be so traumatic. In fact, I remember a year ago wishing I could fast forward to the next year, and be that version of myself, because she must be so strong after healing from this, and this is all probably behind her. 

I’ve been hard on myself, because that hasn’t been the case at all. This week a year later, I’ve been extra sensitive and on edge. My mind has been kind of foggy, and I’ve found it hard to focus. I’ve felt bad that I couldn’t live up to that expectation for myself. It was another brutal disappointment this week though that revealed to me how I was looking at this the wrong way.

My first reaction to this new disappointment was admittedly very emotional. I was really angry, and felt stupid. Stupid for believing something could actually go the way I wanted it to, stupid for believing I wouldn’t be hurt again, stupid for being so reckless. When I began a deeper dive into this thought process, though, what I found was actually encouragement and not stupidity. 

A year after the most devastating event in my life, I was able to trust again. A year later, I was able to enjoy a blessing without an ounce of cynicism. I embraced it with open arms, and while fear of the past repeating itself may have come up a few times, I didn’t allow those thoughts to give me a pass to sabotage anything. I still feel the sting of disappointment that this may not end up being what I thought it was, but in the waiting I’m marvelling at the fact I was able to have my hopes up about it at all. I’m marvelling in the first physical manifestation of the huge healing God really has done in me, after all.

Healing no longer looks the way I thought it would. It looks like a girl who has every reason not to believe in anything good, but is so confident in who her Father is, and all the things He has for her, and His timing. She still feels things, and that includes disappointment, because emotions can be a good thing. They can be a sign that she’s properly processing the things that come her way, and that she hasn’t become a jaded, emotionless robot that buries things.  And I’m really thankful that a year later, that’s the girl I see in the mirror. 

"When the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it happen." -- Isaiah 60:22

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” -- Philippians 1:6

[scripturegirl]

The Renewed Scripture Girl.

As someone born in December, I’m a pretty big fan of the holidays. Christmas is my favourite! But this year is the first year I’ve had a hard time getting in the spirit, and it’s really bummed me out. This has caused me to unintentionally take out my emotions on those around me, which isn’t fair and has only made me feel even worse. It just feels as though I’m walking around with a super sensitive emotional wound, and anything that even threatens to graze it makes me wince and lash out. 

I was channel surfing tonight, bored, and just as I thought maybe I’ll just go to bed, I felt the Lord asking me to spend a little time with Him before I did that. Because of my sour mood, I really didn’t want to. I felt like what I had to say was the same as always, and I wasn’t really interested in sitting there and hashing out the same things I always do. But it turns out this was more of a listening session on my end, than a talking one. 

I was pointed to Romans 8, a chapter in the Bible that’s favoured by many, but admittedly one I hadn’t flipped to in some time. And I was reminded of the word I was given right at the beginning of the year; before I knew of any of the things headed my way that were going to leave me feeling the way I do right now at the end of the year. 

My word for 2021 was “rest”, and I was really okay with that; until a devastation that lead to my divorce, and then the moving back home, and the total reset done in my life. How was I supposed to rest during all this chaos? I was reminded both then and now that the things God has done and will do in my life are not dependent on my performance. It’s not about what I do, or in this case what I say. My words aren’t what saves me, Jesus is. 

I’m longing to be a wife again, but to a Godly man this time that really cherishes me and the gifts I have to offer that God has blessed me with. I desperately long to be a mom, and have a family of my own. Sometimes these promises just feel so far away. Some days, I feel like all I can see are the ruins of my previous marriage and the dust that was once the dreams and life left behind from that season of my life. I felt like there had to be some magic assortment of words formed as a prayer that would expedite me to the seemingly far-off dreams, but there’s not. I’m growing more okay with this, as I learn to shed this expectation of myself to have all the words, and all the answers.

Sometimes we know the words to articulate to God what’s going on, sometimes we don’t. I assumed I shouldn’t pray unless I knew the words to say, but Romans 8 says differently. Holy Spirit is the ultimate translator, and intercedes for us in these situations. 

He isn’t good only because of the things He promises us. He’s good because even during the in-between when we should still be thankful but all we can muster up are groans, He accepts those with open arms, and translates them on our behalf. He is good because even the way we come to Him is flawed, but He answers and delivers anyway. 

[scripturegirl]

The Protected Scripture Girl

A hard lesson we all experience at one point or another on this side of heaven is that people aren’t perfect. Our Father is the only one who holds the title of perfect, and so this means that people will hurt us. Whether that’s intentionally or not, it’s inevitable that you will be hurt by another person. When we get hurt, we bust out our coping mechanisms. For some, that might look like turning to a substance that numbs them from having to feel the hurt. For others, it might be sleeping so they don’t have to confront it or think about it. 

My own personal coping mechanism, is humour. Making a joke out of my painful experiences makes me feel better, especially in the form of posting something cheeky online for others to see and get a laugh out of. If it somehow ends up in the inbox of the person who wronged me, that’s just the cherry on top. I thought this was okay. It’s not hurting anyone, not really. Not nearly as much as they hurt me anyway. But I’ve recently felt a push from God to call this what it is--a coping mechanism-- and dissect it, try to figure out why this is the thing that I turn to to make me feel better, and is it really making anything better?

Before I go any further, I just want to be clear that I am NOT referring to coming forward about abuse. How you choose to go about speaking your truth is between you and the Lord, and I am in no position to tell you how you should or should not navigate that. 

However...because my own personal story is lined with emotional, mental, and some physical abuse, I did believe this gave me a “pass” of sorts. But recently this hasn’t been making me feel better the way that it used to, and I know that’s usually a good sign that means I shouldn’t be doing it. I began to pull back the layers and investigate why I believed this made me feel better in the first place. Being hurt means being made vulnerable. And then when that hurt goes public, and everyone knows what those people did to you, it victimizes you. I think making a joke about the way I was hurt, made me feel like I was taking back control of the narrative, and if I could get everyone to laugh with me then they wouldn't be laughing about me behind my back. 

Not only was I trying to distract and overcompensate for my humiliation, though, it was also subconsciously my way of getting revenge. It was my way of indirectly rubbing it in the other persons face, while simultaneously “recruiting” people to join “my side”, and that’s wrong. That’s why it stopped making me feel good, because coping mechanisms don’t sustain. I realized that not once before I made any of those posts did I even try to get relief from something I know is good and nourishing. Not once when my finger hovered over the “post” button did I ever stop to consider maybe it would be better to spend time in prayer instead, or cracking open my Bible to see what it says in there first. 

I should have done this, because in there I would find multiple examples of how the Lord is my defender, and I’m protected because He fights for me. We use “battle” terminology a lot, but to be completely honest with you, it isn’t much of a battle when the God who defends you has no rival. We don’t have to worry about trying to overcompensate when we’ve brought a knife to a gun fight, because God our defender holds dynamite. He has the power to completely annihilate any battle, any attack, any hurt that has been done to you. 

Shift your coping mechanisms to be things that remind you He’s fighting it for you; every negative word said about you, every betrayal when you weren’t looking, every laugh or snicker behind your back. Don’t worry about being misunderstood or victimized, when God has way better things up ahead for you to be thinking about, if you’ll just leave this behind and move forward in your healing.

“But you, God, shield me on all sides; You ground my feet, you lift my head high;” -- Psalm 3:3

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with gratitude, make your requests known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will protect your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” -- Philippians 4:6-7 

[scripturegirl]

The Hopeful Scripture Girl

As someone who has gone through a lot more than someone my age should, I can admit that something I struggle with sometimes is hope. When it comes to my family or friends going through something hard, I’m good at being hopeful for them, and I’m good at encouraging them to stay hopeful. But when it comes to my own trials and circumstances, it’s something that doesn't always come naturally.

Recently I’ve come out of one of the hardest battles I’ve ever endured, and I walked away scratching my head about it a little bit. I was devastated by the end result because I was so filled with hope, I felt absolutely sure that what I was afraid of, God wasn’t going to let happen. Except then it did happen, and I struggled to not get mad at God and ask what the point was. 

What was the point in giving me hope, just for things to go sideways anyway? What was the point in my having hope if my worst fear ended up coming true after all? I just felt so crushed, when I heard the Lord say that getting my hopes up is how I know I trusted with everything in me, with everything I had. And just because the end result wasn’t what I pictured or wanted to happen, doesn’t mean my story is ruined. 

A little bit of time has passed now, and my “emotional waves” settle more and more every day. It was hard at the beginning, and there are probably still some hard days ahead of me, but I did it. I faced what I was so devastated about and most afraid of, and it really wasn’t so scary after all. It hasn’t always been easy, or fun, but it was a lot more peaceful than I ever imagined it to be. That tends to be the case when it’s God’s plan and God’s time. 

A few days after that conversation with God, I was talking about everything with a close friend of mine, when she said “You know, it’s good to get your hopes up. It means you did everything you possibly could.” I hadn’t had the chance to tell her yet about what the Lord said to me. It was confirmation, and made His message to me loud and clear. 

Get your hopes up. Because even if what you hoped was going to happen, doesn’t, it isn’t a loss. If what you pictured and prayed for and fought for doesn’t come, trust it’s for a reason, and remind yourself that you’re standing there looking at the picture too closely, but He’s the one that holds the paintbrush. There are things unfolding out of your line of vision, but thankfully we serve the One who sees all of it, He sees the entire picture. And your seemingly unanswered prayer could be the thing that catapults you to blessings beyond your wildest dreams. 

“For I put my hope in you, Lord; you will answer me, my Lord, my God”  --Psalm 38:15

[scripturegirl]

The Focused Scripture Girl

2020 has kind of, absolutely, 100% sucked, and I’m sure I’m not alone in that sentiment. I don’t want to spend too much time focusing on COVID-19, because you get enough of that everywhere else on the internet, and I don’t want to add to that noise. But it’s obviously very clear, it has been a struggle for most, if not all of us.

Quarantine and the isolation that has come with it has drove me to some really dark places. I’ve had a lot of days of feeling like there’s no end in sight to all the craziness, and it feels like it has taken a toll on every aspect of my life. I’m able to pinpoint exactly when things seemed to take a dark turn, and it was when I allowed the abnormalcy of the pandemic times to take over my routine and get in the way of my walk with God.

Churches being closed gave me “an excuse” to put everything on the back burner, and I got so lax about it that I wasn’t only no longer attending church, but I wasn’t spending the time I needed to be, in His presence. The only time I found myself doing much of anything was praying before falling asleep each night.

One night as I finished my prayer and was getting ready to doze off, I felt the Lord say “What are you doing to train?” I thought it was odd, and I think when we aren’t tuned in to Him the way we should be, it’s easier to brush off those times we hear His voice and leave it up to weird thoughts of our own or something. I didn’t think much of it, until the next day when I felt Him speaking again. Here is a little bit of what He showed me, and I haven’t wandered off track since.

How much time are you spending in training to get through your valleys? Are you like me, knowing full well what you’re up against and hoping that the bare minimum of praying before bed will get you through it? Because that makes as much sense as an athlete beginning training a week before the Olympics and expecting a gold medal. Athletes don’t begin training for the Olympics a week, a month, or even two months before the Olympics. They are dedicated to their sport, and spend most of their lives training for the games. There are some hefty goals in front of them, and they need as much time training as they can in order to meet those specific goals.

The same can be applied to your personal trials and valleys. If you know you’re in a hefty battle, you need to be prepared, and you need to take the time to train. We train by spending time in the Word, talking to Him more than just before we go to sleep, praising Him, and worshipping.

Now, another thing training athletes don’t do is fill themselves with junk and expect peak performance. This applies to us with what we feed our mind. When I feel myself going through a hard season, I try my hardest to pay super close attention to all the things I’m giving my attention to. I fast from all music that isn’t worship. I don’t read anything that isn’t my Bible or Christian material. I put some Christian podcasts and sermons on in my car while I’m driving around. Spending time in the Word is the most important of all of these, though. Podcasts and books can be great encouragement in times of trouble, but they’re never meant to replace God’s Word. I cannot stress enough how important it is to monitor what you’re exposing your mind, eyes, and ears to when you’re in a battle. You need to ensure you aren’t giving the enemy any leeway, because he will slither like a snake into your situation any way he can find.

The difference between our training and Olympic training is that Olympians have an end date in sight. They know the day they’re training for. That isn’t the case for us, only God knows the time and day when we’re going to see the victory. But even when the battle is won, our training still continues. We have to give Him the glory for delivering us, and use it to continue to grow in our relationship with Him. It sounds like a lot, but as highly favored children of God, we get to train for gold medal moments our whole life!

“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.“ --Colossians 3:17

[scripturegirl]

The Still Scripture Girl

Have you ever waited to hear God’s voice in the midst of chaos, and had Him tell you to just be still? Why are we almost disappointed when the only thing we can do during a season of struggling, is trust and praise God? I’m sure you’ve been there, been crying out for God, begging for guidance, and rolling up your sleeves to get ready to go do the big, grand things He wants you to do. Then when He says to just trust Him, it’s like you can’t help but deflate a little bit.

Is it because that’s hard to do when we’re discouraged? Is it because we feel as though we lose control of the situation? Or is it because praying, worshipping, and trusting doesn’t feel like we’re actually doing anything? I know it’s probably a combination of all 3, but that last one rings especially true for me.

I’ve mentioned before that I am a bit of a control freak, so having a struggle of mine be out of my own hands is already a little terrifying. But then God is also going to tell me that while I’m waiting for the breakthrough, I have to just wait for Him to take care of it, and continue to pray? There are so many things we can think of that would benefit the situation, maybe even make it better. We begin making a list in our head of all the things we could do. And then God tells us again, to just be still, that He’s got this.

I can’t wait to one day chuckle with God at the amount of times He had to say “Daughter, would you just trust me?” I know that I don’t have to fear when God is fighting my battle for me. And I was raised by a family of prayer warriors, so I especially know that prayer and worship isn’t doing nothing, sometimes we just get into that mindset because we can’t actually see what that is doing. But be encouraged, because sometimes the most we can do is what feels like the least we can do.

Just because God isn’t asking you to build an ark, or lead people to the Promised Land, doesn’t mean He’s asking you to do nothing. In fact, remaining faithful, hopeful, and confident in the size of our God, and the power of our God, are the bravest and fiercest things we can do. 

So, take a deep breath. Press in. Remain faithful. Trust. Pray. Worship.

“Daughter, would you just trust me?” 

[scripturegirl]

The Tested Scripture Girl

As a lot of people know, for almost a year my fiance and I were going through the K1 visa process. If you don’t know what that entails, it’s a lot of sending paperwork back and forth, paying a bunch of fees, and a LOT of waiting. It felt like a huge test of my patience, for sure, but I knew God was behind the whole thing and we would get to close the distance in His perfect time.

I thought the test would be done once I was granted the visa, but boy was I ever wrong. I was booked to leave Canada and make it to Texas on June 16th. I had a 5pm flight, and would make it to my destination in Texas at 11:20pm. Well, the day of June 16th came, and I faced so many obstacles that day, from the moment the day started. I ended up missing the check in time for my flight...by ONE minute. I was of course upset, but got my flight rebooked for 7am the next morning, and I planned to be there extra early. 

So, now it’s the morning of June 17th. I get checked in, say my goodbyes to my mom and sister...and join the ridiculously long security line. Once I got through that, I was on my way to get my visa processed. A security officer took my documents, and lead me to the room of other visa holders. Only 30 minutes until my flight began boarding, but I was feeling pretty good...until they opened the door to the waiting room, that is. There were tons of people, all waiting for the same thing I was, and all wanting to make their flight.

I sat down, extremely scared and nervous, and couldn’t help but notice I was the only one there by myself. Everyone else had at least one other person with them. Cell phones were prohibited, so I couldn’t even fill my family in about what was going on. Sure enough, boarding time for my flight came...and went. I officially missed my second flight. But I tried not to sweat it too much. 

My visa was processed, and I was waved through these gigantic doors that lead me to all the flight gates. I found the nearest gate with my airline and explained my situation. They agreed to rebook me on the next flight they could...which wasn’t until 5pm that night. It was only 8am, and I had been up since 3:30! What was I going to do in an airport for that long? I was growing really irritated with God at this point.

Why get me through the whole visa process just to do this to me? This was supposed to be the easy part. It officially can’t get any worse than this. I was texting my mom about everything that was going on, and it was then that she reminded me of the story of Job. Job was a man who was stripped of everything, but still never cursed God. He was a man that did everything right, and was still tested. 

5pm finally came, and I boarded my flight. My seats ended up getting upgraded for free (praise the Lord) due to the airline agent recognizing me from the night before! I was starting to feel good again. I was starting to see maybe God was still in this after all.

But of course it’s easy to feel that way when things are going well, isn’t it? Which is exactly why Satan wanted to test Job in the first place. It’s easy to remain faithful, and praise God when we’re being blessed, or things are going our way and how we planned them to. Satan wanted to show God that if Job had everything taken away, he wouldn’t be so quick to praise Him. But Satan was wrong.

That was what I held onto when I was told on my flight to Houston, that my connecting flight was super delayed. I wouldn’t be leaving the Houston airport until around 1am due to a delay. This whole adventure was getting close to being 24 hours long. I was exhausted, but knew that things could definitely be worse, and my flight at least wasn’t cancelled. So I got comfy at my gate in the Houston airport, and read up a little on the story of Job. And I found this verse:

“...but He knows where I am going, and when He tests me I will come out as pure as gold.” Job 23:10

My flight was delayed but never cancelled, I made it to my destination, and my fiance and I have officially closed the distance. Praising God through that whole adventure wasn’t always easy, and it wasn’t always fun. But it sure was worth it.

[scripturegirl]

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[scripturegirl]

The Uncomplicated Scripture Girl

Surprise, I'm back! I know its been a while (huuuuge understatement), I know I've kind of neglected this blog for a few months, but I feel like I made the most of that break and God has really refreshed my mind and spirit, and I'm filled to the brim with encouragement and excitement again. 

During my “break”, I took a lot of time to think about how far God has taken this blog (in under a year, too!), and that I really feel like this is what God wants me doing, at least right now! I think I mentioned in another blog post that I’ve felt Him calling me to Bible college for some time, and I’ve decided to pursue that after I’ve moved to the US (the visa process is 10% paperwork and 90% waiting). When I looked into it for the first time about a year and a half ago, I made a mental list of my dream schools. It was fun then to look into different places, and dream, and figuring out if I could picture myself as a student at this school vs. another one. But the closer it gets to decision making time, the more I’m freaking out.

There are so many situations in our life where we have choices to make. And I think it’s really easy for us to get caught up in the minor details of those choices, and start to worry about the plan we know God has for our life, and if we’re choosing the right or wrong thing. 

There’s a devotional post from Jarrid Wilson that I reflect back on a lot, where he explained God’s will like ice cream; “I believe God’s will to be similar to that of ice cream; He doesn’t care what flavor you choose, just as long as it’s ice-cream. So instead of stressing whether or not you’re making the right decisions, ask yourself whether or not your decisions are glorifying God.”

So when I apply that to my situation of not knowing which school to choose, for example, I’ve complicated things by worrying about the specifics. I’m glorifying and pleasing God just by listening to Him and pursuing my call to Bible college. Sometimes there isn’t a right or wrong choice, sometimes us just being in the position of having a choice is the right place to be. If your decisions honour God, and you give Him all the glory and credit, then you’re following God’s plan for your life. It’s as simple as that. 

[scripturegirl]

The Free Scripture Girl.

We’ve talked a bit about the different ways we can worship God, and how it doesn’t always have to be on Sunday mornings during the worship service at your church. But for this blog post, I want to go back to that kind of worship, worship with music, and talk about it a little. More specifically, raising our hands in worship.

It’s something I’ve only just recently found myself able to do. I’m a huge music person, music is one of the ways I love to express myself, and one of my favourite ways to worship. So getting lost in worship and His presence through music, means I try to surround myself in that kind of environment whenever I’m given the opportunity. Leading worship or assisting on the worship team at my church, going to worship concerts, Sunday mornings like I talked about above. It didn’t take long for me to feel like something was missing though, almost like there was a block and I wasn’t really getting lost the way I used to anymore.

One of the first things you’ll usually notice in worship services and concerts, is people worshipping with raised hands. They’re everywhere. So what I’m about to say next may not make any sense, yet I know I’m not the only person who has gone through this...in fact, after talking to some people about it, I know a lot of people have felt this way. I always felt too shy, or nervous of what people might think if I lifted my hands in worship. 

I remember being at the Hillsong United concert a year ago, being LITERALLY surrounded by people who were lifting their hands, and wanting to be able to be that let go in worship, I wanted to be able to lift my hands. But I was scared I would look weird--because somehow I had convinced myself being the only person not lifting their hands looked totally normal...

My first problem here was that I was thinking about it too much. My second problem was that it wasn’t something I was allowing to happen naturally, I was trying to force it. And lastly, I wasn’t completely sure why I wanted to be able to do it so badly in the first place, I just figured it was a sign of a good, confident Christian. So I looked into it more. Why do we lift our hands in worship? And how could I get back to that place of worship I found myself lost in before? What was keeping me from getting to that place again?

The first thing I found was that lifting our hands is a sign of surrender to God. It’s a way of publically, and physically praising God and acknowledging that we need Him. The second thing I discovered, was that extending my arms wasn’t the only way to do this, and for some people, other things such as kneeling, or clapping, are their natural way of surrendering to Him. 

The last, and most important thing I discovered, was that what I do to show God I surrender is not as important as what is in my heart when I go to praise Him. I thought the stumbling block in my walk was not being able to lift my hands like I had seen so many people doing, but it was actually focusing too much on what was going on around me, and not allowing His presence to take over and surrender to Him naturally.  “These people come near to me with their mouth and honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.” -- (Isaiah 29:13) 

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