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I may not be open to admitting to these kinds of things that I can say that happened throughout my years, however I can't say that I never had considerations for putting it out there for people to know about what has happened throughout recent times, how I was able to handle with proper steps, & what I have learned afterwards. A few days ago, my daily life has been interrupted by what I can call "Remnants". Pieces of the past that still remain somehow wanting to take what I have, as they recognize that they don't have it. Each of them resembled versions of me that has history of letting their weakness build them into certain negative characteristics. These characteristics vary from gullibility, narcissism, animosity, egocentricity, even trepidation. Their sole purpose was to pull me away from becoming more of what I already am, given that I have changed a lot to even become a portion of what I am today. But I have been encountered by 2 of them last night. Why was because they saw that I have gained more of my true potential, & they believed that by dragging me down to the gutter, they could take what I have.

At first I wanted to start off merciful, reason being that I assumed that these Remnants were things that could come and go. But the more they stayed, the more desperate they craved for my power. So much where they constantly pester about it, though they tried resulting in physical action. I had to remind them specifically that if they had even a sample of what I have, they wouldn't know what to do with it, since they never took the time to understand what I have experienced to recognize how dangerous using these kinds of abilities, and they would use it for the wrong causes. Perhaps for their own gain. Of course they thought they could convinced me that they knew what exactly to do with my capabilities, but I didn't trust them enough because I recognized that these Remnants were already too late on "changing". That's why they were what they were in the first place. When the opportunity to change their decisions was presented to them, it seemed like they never took the necessary time to do so. With that being said, if they didn't want to leave peacefully when I gave them the chance, I had to make them by force. By killing them off. I wanted them dead. When the chance came for me to take action, it got to a point where it was not just those 2 that I have last encountered. There were 5. This was not an easy task, I must say. Nevertheless, I got the job done. I haven't felt so alive ever since. The constant feeling of being pulled by a thread felt like hell on Earth.

This has proven to be the riskiest thing I have done in my lifetime. Because this was a life-risking situation, and I knew the only way to resolve it was by literally murdering someone. ..Or something. Whether it be a person or not, it was something that I had to kill of in order for me to continue to grow into my best self. I even saw that I was not only protecting my own well-being, but I was protecting my inner child as well. Unlikely, they were broken by what they were unaware of being their foe the entire time (That being primarily my Mom.). Which I can understand. I did not want to let whatever negative impacts I had relinquished affect my inner child, nor did I let them. Words cannot describe how scary this was for me. No longer was it about a temporary item that I would later replace. I was in risk of losing my life. In order to prevent that from happening, sparing was the last thing that I was going to. Mercy is given to the ones who deserve it. This entire takes proved who I am and that I am worthy of my gift. And I forever cherish it greatly.

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I think the craziest part of this entire journey of finding more about myself isn't what I would gain in the future. It's more of what I would lose, what I would have to let go of. I was not one for losing damn near anything. The feeling of having to let stuff go even if it's something I know deep inside that I cannot afford to lose is mind-boggling. In this case, it doesn't matter what it is. It could be as simple as a pen that I didn't know I still had.

I even had to let go of people as well. Even ones I cared about deeply. Did it feel good? No. Absolutely not. But I had to do what is it that I needed so I could better myself in the mix. Even if the pain can be fuckin' unbearable. Not even 16 year old me couldn't get this far. Why, because that version of me hasn't been out of the house long enough to genuinely find out more about the world and himself. By obligation, not by choice.

Still, I am grateful for what I have learned over the past month. I also am proud of myself for choosing my crowd carefully. Trust is never meant to be given out to everyone. In this time of year I have that group of individuals I can call my family. It may not be my actual family, but they play that sort of role. It's not easy overcoming your fears, your drawbacks and what could stop you from evolving. I was even told that I should've been dead, from the way things were a few weeks ago. I can't say they're wrong, I couldn't take proper care of myself around that time. In the end, despite my flaws, I know that they'll be here with me to further help guide me to who I am, and who I will be in the future.

This pathway to redemption is a long one. But I'm willing to walk it, and patiently move forward with what I have. As if I have any other choices to make.

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Little fucking guy alert!!

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I really like the idea of having my own space to do my creativity, spirituality, and anything else that is mine. But I don't want it to be at home. For some reason, I want those two things separate. I don't want the place I sleep and live with others to be the same place where I do all my work and disappear into myself for a while.

Sort of like a studio. A cocoon.

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For me, this is an everyday occurrence.

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I've been walking this path of authenticity for a really long time and for the most part, it has been fulfilling.

But I have lost a lot of people and I think that grief is catching up with me