scottishgirlthoughts

[scottishgirlthoughts]

after a toxic relationship

“Emotional abuse is any abusive behavior which isn't physical. That may include verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation, and humiliation, which most often unfolds as a pattern of behaviour over time that aims to diminish another person's sense of identity, dignity and self worth, and often results in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol addiction and PTSD.”

I was one of the lucky ones.

I moved away before things got worse. I do put it down to luck, but I feel anything but lucky. What happens during and after an emotionally abusive relationship is completely out of your control. You don't even know it's happening. Every time I go to talk about this subject with someone in person or write it down, my first immediate thought is, 'I better say that it was JUST emotional abuse, don't want anyone thinking that I'm exaggerating or that I’m weak, self-indulgent or simply trying to get attention.’ One roll of someone's eyes or slight uncomfortableness is enough to shut me up forever and attention is the last thing I want.

That thought pattern which I keep going back to over and over again, is part of the impact of what an emotionally abusive relationship can do to your brain. I am now in a healthy relationship with someone who I feel I can talk about absolutely anything with, and yet I still feel like I need to stop myself from talking about my ex and the effects he had on my brain and my body. I know myself very well, and when I knew something was wrong, it was time to trust my instincts. And thank god I did, because who knows where I'd be now if I hadn't done that.

I am by no means an expert, but have done enough research to understand a little bit more about what was/is going on in mine, and many other people’s brains. This is something we need to talk about. Seriously. If you have never experienced this form of abuse then I could forgive you for being obstinate, not wanting to listen, or for assuming that there are worse things in life to go through. Of course there are, but every persons experience with abuse, no matter in which form, is valid. I hate that I'm still thinking about it almost four years later, but I sort of don’t have a choice. What I've found out is that it can last a lifetime... and I'm determined to not let that happen. This is not a piece of writing for those of you who have experienced a relationship like this, it's more for those of you who don't quite understand. My abuser was, himself, a survivor of child abuse. He was also an addict. All this bulls*** about how experiencing abuse strengthens you, gives survivors the reason to believe that what they are going through is something that one can simply 'get over'. That's not how it goes, trust me. Sure, you can find a form of strength within yourself afterwards which you didn't know was there before, but with this can also come a surreal feeling of loneliness. I don't hate my ex. I feel for him, and have tried to understand, now that I have the smallest inkling into what it must be like to live with that form of trauma, which lead to very early drug dependence for him. It's an important part of the pattern that we need to take into consideration.

I met this man when I was 18 years of age. I had what I thought was a connection with him. We started to see each other, and I soon realised that he had a drug addiction. I can't remember most of our time together, and I still struggle to this day to put all the pieces together. All I know is, when we parted ways, I thought I was very much in love with him, but it was infatuation. He was living elsewhere, in a very bad place mentally and physically so I got in touch with a shelter in his area which had a programme focused on helping people with their addictions and their past. It was then that I started to feel disconnected from the person I had become while I was with him. I started to look in on things from the outside, and slowly realise what had actually been going on. It's difficult to write this from my perspective still, but I'm trying my hardest to remember how I felt during this time. All I wanted was to help him, but the reality I've more recently come to, is that I've done all I can do for him. My first introduction to 'sociopaths' and 'narcissistic abuse' was a video on YouTube by a man called Sean Fitzgerald. I had of course heard those terms before, but really had no clue what they meant. Everything he said made sense to me. Confusion was the first word which rang true. When I look back on that period of time with my ex, it seems like a dream. Not like heaven, more like a disconnection from reality. The period afterwards was also filled with confusion. I couldn't figure out why I was experiencing sleep hallucinations or having dreams where 'he' could 'still get me' and I felt fear everywhere in my body knowing full well that he would never, and never did, physically harm me.

This is where fight or flight comes in to the picture.

Fight, flight, freeze is when the amygdala in your brain takes over and puts you into a state of alertness, but what receiving emotional abuse does is turns that response on, and doesn’t turn it back off. You’re always on edge and ready for something bad to happen. Trying to train your brain out of that constant state of fight or flight feels almost impossible.

Usually we associate PTSD with one horrific event, but a prolonged exposure to trauma can do similar amount of damage to your brain. People who are being manipulated mentally experience trauma daily. If the abuse is not overt, it means that the person suffering is not in the right state of mind to fully grasp what is happening while it's happening, so by the time you know, the damage is done. Some call it PRSD (post relationship stress disorder). Some of the lasting effects of this form of relationship are -

Trust issues.

Self-blame, for everything.

Emotional numbness.

Rapid weight fluctuation. Eating excessively can feel like a way of giving something back to your body, subconsciously, and in the case of losing weight, our body uses a lot of energy when in fight or flight mode, trying to fend off an imaginary attack.

Brain fog. Simple tasks become more difficult, losing your train of thought, forgetting where you are, or finding it difficult to navigate, and concentration just seems like an alien concept. 

Social anxiety and panic attacks.

And in my experience, telling yourself that you're a bad person.

Please seek some form of help if you are feeling any of these things, or at least do some research. 

I spent a long time feeling like I was physically unable to talk. I thought people wouldn't listen, or just wouldn't understand. Even when someone is supportive, I can't help thinking that they probably just wish I would stop talking. When in reality, I don't think I've even spoken to anyone about it for longer than 10 minutes. I can actually piece together things in my head now and look at it rationally, which is a huge step. But I can't help thinking about the people who are still living with it, and have been through more severe forms. I have spent some time feeling sorry for myself, I have spent more time feeling sorry for my ex. Sometimes I feel like I've worked through the worst of it, sometimes it comes back to me. This form of abuse changes you. It changes your brain and the way you respond and think. It changes your body. Even now while writing I am debating whether or not to click ‘post’, for fear of judgement, but if it can help someone else in some way, then that’s who I’ll write this for. The one thing it has changed in me which I'm thankful for, is the outlook I have now. After having been through that state of mind which survivors live with daily, and putting someone's needs before mine so wholeheartedly, the one thing I would choose to take from it all, is a sense of empathy. I’ve been brought closer to myself, but I’ve developed a strong sense of understanding towards other people’s struggles. My ex maybe wasn’t very nice to me, but the anger he had inside him was something which had developed over several years of trying to live and deal with trauma. There was nobody there for him growing up, so he resorted to drugs and other forms of distraction. Addiction may seem like a selfish thing from the outside, but it is a disease. And in many cases, a person’s escape from the harsh reality of their lives. This issue is in no way simple nor can it be fixed overnight, but the amount of people who have been through this is astounding. There are many, many people who have been through the same thing as him and even me, and it’s not talked about enough. Sometimes we need to look at the bigger picture to get an idea of how we got to where we are now.

Please be patient with people. Please listen to what they say and take note of how they respond to the things you say. Take what they have had to live with into account before you make quick judgements and have empathy. Even for the ones you do not wish to feel empathy towards. You can hold your own hand, but at the end of the day you cannot pull yourself up a mountain, only someone else's hand can do that. 

And for those of you who are learning to live with C-PTSD or PTSD after emotional abuse... I know that it’s confusing. I know that you feel self-conscious and insecure. I know that it is affecting the other relationships in your life and you don’t know how to fix it. It takes a long time, but there are people who WILL listen to what you have to say. You don’t need to be scared of rejection anymore. You are ok, you are worthy and you are safe.