scorpihoe-666

[scorpihoe-666]

i hope you meet people with intentions as pure as your own and i hope you travel to all the places you’re curious about and i hope the restaurants you go to have your favorite drink and i hope you always have good dreams when you sleep and i hope the life you live is a fulfilling one

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Randomly just busting into tears because no one really knows what's going on In my heart

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hey guys, im back for now.

2024 was rough. i was underpaid doing too many things outside of my job description, my aunt passed, my uncle passed, blocked my ex best friend bc she turned out to be a two faced bitch, my cousin cut me off because of his insane girlfriend, my ex and i broke up, and liam payne passed away.

lots of good things happened though. i went to spain, got promoted at work, got good at baking, and more. i wish i had more to add to that but honestly cannot remember anymore good stuff.

ive been sad though. shocker!

my breakup has really affected me. sucks ending things with the person you thought you’d do life with (forever).

im so stupid tho for thinking he would ever change his mind about having kids. stupid is an understatement.

the grief ive been feeling is insane. how could you end something with someone who you claim to be your person over some fuck ass kids that don’t even exist? you know what does exist though? the relationship. your person. the love. that’s all real and i think it’s worth fighting for and keeping around.

it upsets me because what if i did want kids but can’t conceive? like would he have left me? lol probably since he is so head ass about having kids.

i guess i should’ve ran the other way when i started to realize how different we really were and the different things we want in life.

i want to live in a walkable city in a cute brownstone or loft. i want cats not kids. i want to elope in vegas and throw a surprise wedding reception for our family. i wanna retire in Spain when im old and just bake and make art. i want to travel the world and the finer things in life.

he didn’t want any of that. stupid of me to think he ever would want that.

i grieve what could’ve been.

as much as he was in love with the idea of me (his idea of me), i was in love with the idea of what could’ve been. the idea that we would want the same things eventually bc he just loved me that much. probably a selfish thing but i think that if im choosing a life partner then those “selfish” thoughts and desires are justified?

ever since i was 12 i knew i’d end up alone. i made peace with that at an early age.

i knew that not everyone wanted to live life the way i wanted to live life. at an early age i knew i was different. i never prioritized dating or men growing up because i knew that in the end, those things wouldn’t even matter in my life. sure, ive dated around in my late teens and early 20s. rekindled old flames at 25 (big mistake). but they were never a priority. finding a husband was never the goal. still isn’t.

now that im 28, i definitely know that 99% of men do not want what i want out of life. they don’t wanna live life the way i do. and that’s alright because i don’t need a man. i never needed a man.

my life is so full of love. love is all around me. i’ll never feel like im lacking in love. i am love.

im okay with ending up alone. and one day i’ll feel okay that i lost that person who i thought was my forever person.

i just need to grieve for now. but i’ll be alright.

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im tired.

also sad that i can never use this blog as an outlet ever again. the thought of starting a new blog is literally nauseating bc ive had this one since the 7th or 8th grade.

0/10 day

[scorpihoe-666]

Pokemon: The First Movie (1998) dir. Kunihiko Yuyama

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hello it has been a minute since ive been on here

ive had very low lows and very high highs

rn im just kinda floating

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It’s august so everything feels overripe and ready for change

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happy valentine’s day, lovelies

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Painting by Thomas Zhuang

Street scene in NYC

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yes actually that is a knife in my pocket i am not happy to see you at all.

[scorpihoe-666]