schrodingers-puppy

[schrodingers-puppy]

me, the second someone implies they're very interested in anarchy but otherwise uneducated or intimidated by the idea of it:

[schrodingers-puppy]

"rotting in your depression all alone, handsome?" — bart, coming to lay next to or on top of me anytime i'm even moderately sad

got his dusty ass right next to my head rn lmao

[schrodingers-puppy]

i think my gender is riot dog. like el matapacos and loukanikos. that's my gender. riot dog. he/him in the way that you address a dog you don't know the gender of.

[schrodingers-puppy]

feeling god fucking awful any time i ramble about things i really like vs being too autistic to catch myself before i ramble abt the thing

like pls god let me shut the fuck up before i shoot myself no one fucking cares about the scientific research being conducted on the chernobyl dogs

[schrodingers-puppy]

realizing i AM a karkat kinnie after all these years, oh god...

[schrodingers-puppy]

i think the kinitopet ost can cure whatever the fuck is wrong with me if i just listen to it enough

[schrodingers-puppy]

it's just such a raw song, his voice is fucking beautiful and i, UGHHH.

hyperfixating on a goddamn TOOL song for some reason. grew up w/ this song and it's infesting my brain again, who's to say why.

[schrodingers-puppy]

hyperfixating on a goddamn TOOL song for some reason. grew up w/ this song and it's infesting my brain again, who's to say why.

[schrodingers-puppy]

mm... yes, i am fully convinced they actually do not like me anymore. i can't directly even ask, either. because then i seem like an annoying insecure piece of shit. which i am. but i don't want to seem like that.

[to the tune of gay or european] is it rsd? or just depression? hard to guarantee...

[schrodingers-puppy]

i genuinely hate having a fearful attachment style because i am all over a person until the second i perceive (whether it's rightfully or not) any form of rejection, and then i immediately shut down and try to pull away as much as possible. like, "oh, i said something and you only responded with one or two words? you aren't interested in speaking to me, you actually hate me but are too nice to say it, and you want me to never speak to you again. so i'm going to distance myself in an attempt to break my pre-existing emotional attachment to you, not spark up more conversation, and not bother trying ever again, because what's the point! you hate me! it's very clear and obvious. i may be autistic, i may suck at social cues, but i can pick up on your disinterest and that clearly means you are annoyed with me at bare minimum or you actually detest my entire existence and only tolerate me out of the niceness in your heart. because you are a good person, and i am absolute and utter scum underneath you."

yeah. yeah that is how my brain works. i want to be able to feel worth something, i want to believe my partner and friends love me, i want to believe i'm a good person, but i know deep down i'm not so why bother trying to pretend i'm something i'm not. my mother was right anyways. i'm only good for one thing and it's not my personality. ugh. i swear i'm trying to be better about my self-loathing but it gets so fucking hard when i remember that approximately three people would care if i died, and none of those are biological family. like, clearly i'm unlovable and just got really lucky that at least three people took enough pity on me to give me a shot, you know? and one of those people i can't even really be sure about. they'd probably get over it pretty fast, right? so. probably two people would actually really remember me and care. bleh. this isn't me planning something or insinuating that i'm going to kms or whatever btw. dw.

[to the tune of gay or european] is it rsd? or just depression? hard to guarantee...

[schrodingers-puppy]

[to the tune of gay or european] is it rsd? or just depression? hard to guarantee...

[schrodingers-puppy]

got 20K more minutes this year, fuck yeaaaah, mental illness!!

i do find it really funny that i hyperfixated on mr. sunshine by yxngxr1 for two months and it's the only song i know by them, yet somehow, it got my top song and they got my top artist slot. USURPING HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD AFTER THEY'D BEEN MY TOP ARTIST FOR FOUR YEARS. sorry, hollywood undead, autism got me cheatin' on you w/ some fucken song i heard in a fictional serial killer playlist 💛

[schrodingers-puppy]

tw: gross shit from childhood, sa i guess??? idk if it's that but who knows. shit i need to talk to my therapist about!

sometimes i think back to when i was 11, living next to our church (literally RIGHT next to it, like you could put one hand on the side of the church and be able to put your other hand on the side of our house), and the priest's kid (who was 16) would knock on my window when his dad was preparing shit at church. so i'd always go outside to play with him. i always wanted to play warrior cats or pretend to be someone who digs up rocks and bones. and he would play along for a lil bit until it was his turn to pick the game, but his games were always inappropriate shit. like wanting to see how long and where he could touch me before i would pull away. or wanting to see how long he could kiss me before i couldnt breathe. and when i reflect on that, it's, uh, really fucking weird, huh?

[schrodingers-puppy]

tw: hard vent just ignore please, sa and other trauma heavily discussed

why is it so bad that i'm trying to be happy and move on? why is that so fucking bad? my brother keeps messaging me and it's just... pissing me off. he deadnames me, moves back in with our mother after i beg him not to, and then has the audacity to message me just now saying that i "obviously don't care about [him]". i stopped responding to you because you broke my trust, you ignorant little fucking bastard. our mother sold me to a fucking pedo. and you know what? i never even resented you for it. even though that fucking pedo told me if i didn't cooperate with him, he'd do shit to you instead. never once did i let that happen. never once did he touch you. never once did you have to know what was going on. and you have the fucking audacity to say that i don't care. that i don't fucking care about you? YOU MOVED IN. WITH THE WOMAN. WHO SOLD ME. TO A PEDOPHILE. and you cannot seem to fathom why i wouldn't want to fucking talk to you? you can't fucking grasp that concept? are you fucking stupid? or just so self absorbed that you can't see that this is a direct consequence of your actions? it wasn't YOU that she screamed at when you were sobbing after he raped you, calling you an ungrateful whore, telling you that you need to shut up and do this for the family. do this for your BROTHER. so that HE can be happy. it wasn't YOU who had to sleep on the floor in the bedroom of a pedo while he used other people, wide awake, hearing everything. it wasn't YOU, but i still expected some kind of empathy. anything. please, god, why can't you just leave me alone if you're so insistant on returning to that hell hole. you had other options. you could've lived with me, back then. you didn't have to go to her. but you did, YOU did. i can't have her knowing where i live. i can't have her messaging me. i don't think i could cope if she gave my information to that fucking creep again. he already found my old discord. he had my old quotev. he knew my old usernames on everything. i can't deal with that happening all over again. i can't. i don't want to have to hide or be scared every fucking day of my life. why can't you leave me alone?? why do you have to keep messaging me?? i can't block you. i'm scared one day you'll really, truly need my help again. i don't want to block you. but god, i can't handle this guilt tripping. i can't fucking deal with this. i want to fucking scream.

[schrodingers-puppy]

also my work playlist going from king park by la dispute to NO ONE LIVES FOREVER BY OINGO BOINGO is FUCKING FOUL. spotify, you're fucking FOUL for that. it made me go from trying not to sob at work to fucking cackling. like CMON lmao.

if you ever need to cry, just listen to king park by la dispute bc i forgot it was in my playlist n it came on while i was at work. swear that song did something to my brain chemistry.

[schrodingers-puppy]

if you ever need to cry, just listen to king park by la dispute bc i forgot it was in my playlist n it came on while i was at work. swear that song did something to my brain chemistry.

[schrodingers-puppy]

i need to go on a build a bear date right NEEOOOOOWWWW