saywhatyouneedto-bearwhatyoumust - Tumblr blog

[saywhatyouneedto-bearwhatyoumust]

I'm still myself, I think

with all the pain in my beating heart

that has ever been there.

.

I don't feel it as much these days.

.

I'm not sure if it's growth or exhaustion--

but I think I miss it.

it's better to ache than to feel numb.

right?

.

at least the pain kept me awake.

now, I fear the gentle lull of apathy

that killer that nurses you to sleep

as it chokes the life from all the veined cords

binding you to those you love.

[saywhatyouneedto-bearwhatyoumust]

I've spent so long running from pain

running from the acknowledgement of my own hurting

afraid of it

trying to avoid it, because of the scars I've seen it leave on the people I love most

and the way they whisper about those scars

in dread and shame.

but that's no way to live.

we have one life. 70 years, perhaps.

maybe the pain is a gift? to remind us of all that's wrong here.

am I allowed to ask that question?

instead of running, I'd like to lean into it all

feel every pain in my heart and in my body

and learn to turn my hurting into a prayer--

a conversation with God

an anticipation of the joy that will come

the other end of a scale that is already tipped so far out of balance

that if we could see the whole thing

there would be no question of the way the story ends.

(and I think I know a spoiler:

the other pan is the one nearer the ground.)

[saywhatyouneedto-bearwhatyoumust]

my New Year’s resolution, I said, is to--

and I never finished that sentence.

or if I did, I already forgot.

.

(my mind is full of holes; I rarely remember what the point was going to be by the time I’m halfway through the premise.)

.

I was going to write one poem every week for this year

and immediately I slept through the first week

nothing lost, nothing gained.

simple stasis.

.

can I say it’s not a fault?

can I claim it as intentional?

can I say I want it this way, this stumble at the start, 

tripping over the starting mark,

to keep me humble? 

to hold the beast of perfectionism at bay

and trap the demon of pride in an offering of intentional failure?

.

be ye perfect as I Am perfect

but I can never follow my proclamation of desire with ability of will

.

we’re not supposed to feel anything but shame for our failures--

a reminder of our finitude

an undeniable insistence of humility.

but I think I am pleased.

I think, sometimes, imperfection is a blessing.

-- I am writing one poem every week of the New Year (Intentional Fallibility), 1/13/2023

[saywhatyouneedto-bearwhatyoumust]

shhhh

still now

ask yourself:

is it better to hide away and enjoy the remaining days of pure light before you are suddenly swallowed whole

or to know the darkness exists and walk among it even now, bearing already a shadow of its fear in your heart

as it encroaches from a distance?

advance knowledge of good and evil for the stabbing pain of it in your heart?

the question is not of bringing the darkness into being—

but of knowing it now that it is.

oh God, I fear what I will become, and yet I cannot bring myself to let go of the warning fear holds.

Eve called him forth at the first, firstborn child of her misbegotten quest for knowledge,

but is ignorance truly bliss when Death is already at the door?

— recurring questions, 12/15/2022