sanitysfall-cos

[sanitysfall-cos]

A little bi-derman for bi visibility day. Happy bi visibility day guys!

[sanitysfall-cos]

To all the people who want to get top surgery but can’t yet: Yes, that day WILL come eventually and seeing your post-op chest will be as amazing as you’ve imaged all those years

[sanitysfall-cos]

It’s in the past

He controlled everything.

How I dressed.

What I ate.

Where I went.

How I acted.

Who I talked to.

Every little thing I did.

Set rules I had to follow.

If I messaged him when I didn't know he was busy he lashed out.

If I didnt reply in the first twenty minutes he lashed out.

If I did something he didnt like he would make me show him me self harming til I was on the verge of passing out.

He told me flat out he never loved me.

He said he finally left cause I was "too clingy".

But he wouldn't let me leave.

That has permidently stuck with me and I'm terrfied of someone leaving for the same reason.

I wasn't my own person.

I was told I wasn't of any importance to even call him by his name.

I was scared into doing so many things I never wanna say.

I look at myself and don't regonize who it is.

He has broke me and completely remade me into his little puppet that he left once beyond repair.

He fetishized my sexual assult despite seeing me break down over the reminder of it.

He concived me everything that happened in my life and what he did was all my fault.

That I'm a toy.

I'm here to use till im broken.

That im so numb i won’t know what love is.

That any time anyone has touched me without concebt is my fault beacuse of my past.

This was the lowest point on my life.

November 2016-March2017.

The pain doesnt go away, I just forget about It sometimes.

When I don't.

Its so overwhelming

Death would be better then this.

[sanitysfall-cos]

In my head

He’s in my head all the time,

I constantly think about him,

It hurts,

He’s gone,

Just,

Gone.

I didn’t expect to find out he was dead,

I was shocked yet I wasn’t surprised.

I tried to talk to him.

He kept pushing me away.

I tried for so long.

I miss him.

I miss his voice.

I miss his stupid remarks.

I miss him singing to me.

I miss the drunken nights.

I miss the deep conversations.

I miss the calls that lasted over two days.

I miss the hope he gave me.

I miss how important I felt.

I miss him telling me he needed me.

I miss everything.

I miss the first time we met,

We never intended to talk again after that first night.

I had no idea he would ever mean so much to me.

That he would be a lover to me for half a year on and off.

It hurt when we just fought,

I’d rather fight then him not be alive.

The first place I go when I get my passport is Mxxxxxxxx.

I promised him we would meet some day.

I’m keeping that promise.

I’m gonna see him at his grave,

Bring him black roses since he thought red was so chiche.

I’ll tell him everything I never could.

I promise.

I love him.

I miss him.

I’m so sorry Xxxxx

I couldn’t save you

[sanitysfall-cos]

The words I left unsaid.

You were abusive

You forced me into things

You sexualized my assult

You screamed at me if you were busy

You made me relapse in front of you as punishment

You ruined me for so long

Your the reason I'm scared of being too clingy.

But your gone.

Your dead.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know how.

It happened in the past week abd I now just found out.

I'm so sorry.

I never hated you.

You made me happy.

You made me feel safe.

I ran to you when I had no one.

I let you come to me when you lost everything.

I told you everything.

You knew things I would never repeat.

Everyday for months we talked.

We stayed on the phone for 49 hours straight once and only ended cause the call crashed.

You took care of me.

You made me realize a lot.

I loved you.

Before you that kind if love was a cliche.

I didn't think it existed.

It broke my hesrt to see you leave.

Every screaming fight.

Every curse and drunk night.

Every time you cheated and best me down to nothing.

I still love you.

I always will.

I love you.

Thank you for everything.

I miss you.

You were only sixteen.

You had so much a head if you.

I'm sorry.

I love you xxxxxxx

[sanitysfall-cos]

🥀: I’m never gonna leave you , I promise.

💀: everyone fucking says that, how am I meant to believe you?

🥀: I’ve been hurt. I wouldn’t put you threw that.

.

.

Two years later he died.

Now I’m all alone