sanguisinnivis

[sanguisinnivis]

// negative. Content warning for self harm, suicidal thoughts, mental illness, and transphobia.

Summary: mental health mini crisis and another potential extension on my hiatus.

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I've been having a hypomania episode. I've haven't slept in 3 days. I'm paranoid and irritable. I'm emotionally volatile. I can't focus and feel like I'm trying to burst out of my own skin. I've barely been holding it together at work with the intrusive thoughts and fogginess. And today I'm tired for the first time in like 4 days. My father, who I cannot afford to not live with, starts being transphobic which I push back on. Then he doubled down into being extra transphobic. He doesn't know I'm trans. It ended up with me having a breakdown and crying and self harming. Not too seriously since I've taken most harmful objects out of my room since I was having some bad thoughts lately. But it was pretty violently extreme and I'm genuinely afraid right now since I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I don't really feel entirely safe. I'm really exhausted with this place I live and myself and everything. I feel like I'm literally about to burst. I know this vent doesn't belong here. I know I've been trying to come off of hiatus. I'm mostly better from my cold but I'm just struggling to find a reason to put effort into anything, even if I want to write. I'm really sorry guys. I don't have any decent excuses. But I do want to let everyone know I'm going to be quiet because when I'm like this, I have to self isolate to prevent myself from accidentally being harmful to others. I love you guys. Hopefully this was the bottom of this mental health shit show I've been dealing with this week. I took some sleeping pills to try to force myself to actually sleep tonight. I've slept about 12 hours this entire week total. I'm hoping I will be improving but I'm not sure. I'm going to try to write when I gave brain power, but I might not be able to really be available ooc because I know I can be not great company when like this.

Sorry for the long post. I'm sorry for my absence. I miss you guys and your characters.

[sanguisinnivis]

// Okay but imagine Hlynur going to the first at nearly the same time and Ali (maybe a little before) and living there with no direction and actually being happier there because he is free from all bullshit and he actually like starts enjoying life for the like year he's there and genuinely wants to save the first because it was the first place where he felt genuine independence and freedom and happiness.

[sanguisinnivis]

❛   in spite of everything, you’re still you.  ❜  // from nero!

quotes that broke me starters - accepting / @mysteriarchae

A bitter laugh is choked out of his lips. It is short and quiet, but there nonetheless. Still him? He was, wasn't he? Though Hlynur didn't know who he was. He was a walking corpse living on borrowed time. There was little he could actually think of that made a concrete sense of 'self' for him. He had nothing to him. Nothing to lose or gain. Hlynur should have died in the snow a long time ago, before he had a chance to live at all. And yet, he is alive. Still him, whoever that was.

"Are you trying to insult me?"

[sanguisinnivis]

// Okay but imagine Hlynur going to the first at nearly the same time and Ali (maybe a little before) and living there with no direction and actually being happier there because he is free from all bullshit and he actually like starts enjoying life for the like year he's there and genuinely wants to save the first because it was the first place where he felt genuine independence and freedom and happiness.

[sanguisinnivis]

// I'll try to answer more tomorrow and possibly do some stuff of roi this week. my eye is watering and hurting really bad bc of the congestion and I have work in the heat of Florida hell tomorrow. still recovering from the sick. I'll lurk on mobile until I pass out. but feel free to IM to plot or chat or you can discord me I can add you if you want

[sanguisinnivis]

❛ really can’t remember where i left my spine. ❜ from ali!

𝐈𝐅 𝐈 𝐂𝐀𝐍'𝐓 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄, 𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐏𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐑 - Accepting / @ichoric

He wasn't used to fighting with static allies. In most battles, he only aided for a small time. Until called away on another mission. In the liberation of Ala Mhigo and Doma, Hlynur had been stuck with the scions for the entire thing. He was becoming familiar with their styles of fighting. Even if he was technically working for the Garlean army as a double agent, he had killed enough Garlean soldier's to be labeled a traitor if any found out. Not that his father didn't have him kill Garleans when it suited him. He was not loyal to any aside from himself

After quite a battle with many casualties on both sides, the resistance was licking its wounds. He had been asked to retrieve some of the people attempting to aid survivors. Which led him to the elezen, no older than him and despondent. She was no soldier prior to this, even if she was a good fighter.

He sighed. This would require delicacy to raise her spirits. Sadly, Hlynur had never known tenderness and could offer her none. He wanted to simply grab her and pull her back to the others and force her to rest as he had been instructed. However, he knew that would not go over well.

"Pull yourself together." He said. "If you are gonna lose your composure now, you might as well go back to Sharlayan." She had a choice. Why she would choose this life and not a comfortable one on the island, he could not fathom. Still, he needs to complete his mission. Getting her to stop trying to save the injured before she ran herself dry of aether. "You're still alive. Dust yourself off and keep walking." Life was a bitter and cruel journey. There were no pauses. The punches kept coming. Surely, she must know that by now.

"I'm taking you to lie down. Those are my orders and I'll carry you if I have to."

[sanguisinnivis]

// Someone needs to be Lyn's new dad because his real dad is awful

[sanguisinnivis]

❛   it takes a lifetime to die, and no time at all.  ❜   ( from kiska )

quotes that broke me starters - accepting / @metoikhomai

Hlynur had seen the final moments of countless people. Death was something always just out of sight for most. A creeping reality that no one wanted to face. Hlynur knew his life would be short. It was prolonged only due to him selling his soul, in more ways than one.

"Are you scared of dying?" Most were. Even he was, though he knew there were things worse than death in this world. "You never know when you'll die, right? I could stab you in the back right now and end it."

[sanguisinnivis]

❛   i’ve had more than enough pain in my life, what’s a little more going to do?  ❜ ( from wyatt )

quotes that broke me starters - accepting / @metoikhomai

Crimson eyes steal a glance at the other for only a moment. In truth, Hlynur understood the feeling. He looked down at his boots, digging into the dirt beneath his feet with the toe of his right one. He didn't want to look at his quarry right now. Hlynur had rarely been sent on missions for this long that required this much socializing. He was ill-equipped to handle it.

Wyatt was older than him and more experienced in life. As arrogant as Hlynur was, sometimes he doubted there was anyone in the world that had felt as much pain as he had. In his short life, he could hardly remember a single moment of joy or comfort. Some people were not meant to be born, and Hlynur knew everyone around him would have been better off if he hadn't been. His entire life was proof of that too.

"... why do you do it?" He asked, sincere for once. "You are strong enough to leave this place and do as you wish. Why suffer and bleed like this? Surely, you could take anything you needed and find a life of bliss and comfort. I don't get it."

He looks back at him once more, his gaze more like a lost child than he would ever like to admit. "Does the pain ever end? Or is that the only thing in life?"

[sanguisinnivis]

"Father's day...? Is that a real thing?"

[sanguisinnivis]

// I think Hlynur's ancient self is named Sangarius... Maybe.

[sanguisinnivis]

Muse Relationship Dynamics

Send a symbol (or more than one) to indicate the type of relationship you think our Muses could have! Be sure to specify who is what role and name Muse(s) for Multimuses!

Biological/Adoptive Family 🍏 Parent/Guardian & Child 🍎 Step-Parent/Guardian & Step-child 🍐 Older/Younger Sibling 🍊 Stepsiblings 🍋 Twins 🍌 Cousins 🍉 Aunt/Uncle & Nephew/Niece 🍇Grandparent / Grandchild

Platonic 🐸 New/Developing Friendship 👶 Childhood Friends ▲ Best Friends ◆ Friends Of Circumstance ♫ Reluctant Friends ♠ Secret Friends ♝ Found Family ☔ Enemies To Friends ❤ Ex-Lovers To Friends 🔮 Queerplatonic 💋 Bad/Good Influence

Professional ◎ Classmates 🍸 Coworkers/Business Partners ✔️ Employer/Employee ❂ Teacher/Mentor & Student 💧 Roommates/Housemates 💃 Partners In Crime

Romantic€ Mutual Unknown Longing ➣ One-Sided Crush ♞ Unrequited Love ♔ One Night Stand 👠 Friends With Benefits 🌹 Long-Distance Relationship 📘 Newly Started Romance 💄 Boyfriends/Girlfriends/Partners 🌼 Fiancees 💘 Newlyweds 💍 Husbands/Wives/Spouses ✌ Soulmates ♊ Arranged Marriage 💀 Enemies To Lovers ♧ Friends To Lovers 🎩 Ex-Lovers 🎱 Exes Back To Lovers 🍛 Polyamorous Partners 🐞 Forbidden/Taboo Love

Tension/Dramatic 🎭 Frenemies/Fake Friends 🌸 Rivals 🐦 One-Sided Rivalry 🚦 Enemies 🍁 Betrayer/Betrayed 🛌 Unhealthy Exes € Friends To Enemies 💐 Lovers To Enemies 💦 Bully/Victim 🍭 Enemy-Of-A-Friend 🍗 Cheater/Cheated On ✤ Falling Out Of Love Ұ Dwindling Friendship

Strangers 🔴 Acquaintances 🟣 Idol/Superstar & Fan 🔵 Worker & Customer 🟢 Neighbors

[sanguisinnivis]

▲ ◆ 💋 may i offer you a gwaha

Muse Relationship Dynamics - Accepting / @iiroiiros

»»————-　⚔　————-««

▲ Best Friends / ◆ Friends Of Circumstance / 💋 Bad/Good Influence

// I feel like it could be really interesting for Hlynur to become friends with G'raha. Because he really needs a good influence in his life. THOUGH it would be really hard for him to get him to open him or get close. But come on, G'raha is incredibly easy to like.

[sanguisinnivis]

[sanguisinnivis]

Muse Relationship Dynamics

Send a symbol (or more than one) to indicate the type of relationship you think our Muses could have! Be sure to specify who is what role and name Muse(s) for Multimuses!

Biological/Adoptive Family 🍏 Parent/Guardian & Child 🍎 Step-Parent/Guardian & Step-child 🍐 Older/Younger Sibling 🍊 Stepsiblings 🍋 Twins 🍌 Cousins 🍉 Aunt/Uncle & Nephew/Niece 🍇Grandparent / Grandchild

Platonic 🐸 New/Developing Friendship 👶 Childhood Friends ▲ Best Friends ◆ Friends Of Circumstance ♫ Reluctant Friends ♠ Secret Friends ♝ Found Family ☔ Enemies To Friends ❤ Ex-Lovers To Friends 🔮 Queerplatonic 💋 Bad/Good Influence

Professional ◎ Classmates 🍸 Coworkers/Business Partners ✔️ Employer/Employee ❂ Teacher/Mentor & Student 💧 Roommates/Housemates 💃 Partners In Crime

Romantic€ Mutual Unknown Longing ➣ One-Sided Crush ♞ Unrequited Love ♔ One Night Stand 👠 Friends With Benefits 🌹 Long-Distance Relationship 📘 Newly Started Romance 💄 Boyfriends/Girlfriends/Partners 🌼 Fiancees 💘 Newlyweds 💍 Husbands/Wives/Spouses ✌ Soulmates ♊ Arranged Marriage 💀 Enemies To Lovers ♧ Friends To Lovers 🎩 Ex-Lovers 🎱 Exes Back To Lovers 🍛 Polyamorous Partners 🐞 Forbidden/Taboo Love

Tension/Dramatic 🎭 Frenemies/Fake Friends 🌸 Rivals 🐦 One-Sided Rivalry 🚦 Enemies 🍁 Betrayer/Betrayed 🛌 Unhealthy Exes € Friends To Enemies 💐 Lovers To Enemies 💦 Bully/Victim 🍭 Enemy-Of-A-Friend 🍗 Cheater/Cheated On ✤ Falling Out Of Love Ұ Dwindling Friendship

Strangers 🔴 Acquaintances 🟣 Idol/Superstar & Fan 🔵 Worker & Customer 🟢 Neighbors

[sanguisinnivis]

// how tf is this cold beating my ass worse than covid? I'm so miserable I'm ready for death fr

[sanguisinnivis]

// this is what your character will look like stopping hlynur from fighting people btw