Have I gone mad? I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
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I struggled this morning. Again couldn’t get up. I took 1/2 a xanex and mom helped me with the kids. They seem to be thriving at daycare. Mom and I cleaned for 3 hrs.
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On the 28th and 29th of November I started to go into depression. I couldn't get out of bed and take care of the kids at all. I was crying. mom decided she needed to come help me. Mom came the same day that I broke down. My lithium level was 0.7 last time I checked my level. I wasn't obsessing over any animals or anything just depression. The next few days got better. I started doing laundry and dishes and taking care of the kids. We made the decision to put Della and Joseph in school/daycare. Mom and I started calling places to do a tour. We liked several, but only one place would take both kids. So winner was A Childrens Place Only. Jonathan wants me to look for a part time job. Like HEB. But I only want to work with animals, its the only way I will keep a job. The kids start school on the 11th. I'll have alone time! yay. I can get things done! Mom doesn't go home for another week.
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Depression
I had another depression episode. I couldn't get up and take care of the kids. Mom flew in from Cali to come to the rescue. AC came too on the 19th of August. I'm happy they both came. Dr Neal put me on prozac and zyprexa combo. I am now fully functioning and I feel better. before I had my music on 24/7 and only listened to depression music. so at least that stopped.
Joseph is now in karate and seems to like it. However he usually doesn't listen and do what they ask him to do. He also has speech on Monday and Tuesday. Della is officially walking everywhere and continues to be the cutest.
Jonathan has been super stressed with briefs and his homework to finish his classes in time for end of august
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Sometimes I have to tell myself it’s ok or your ok. It’s Wednesday so the second day with the kids. There’s times where I’m fine and times my mood changes and I want to be alone or I’m irritated
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Forgot to take meds for two days last weekend. This week has been hard. I’ve started isolating in my room and struggling to take care of the kids. Henrietta and Raymond decided to come for the week/ end. Dr Neil decided to up wellbrutron by 150mg. I’m finally feeling better but it’s been over a week now. On top of that I threw my back out!
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I’m feeling irritated today. Jonathan got onto me about what am I doing I could clean house etc and what do I do with the kids? I need to be educating Joseph etc. like wtf get off my back. He treats me like a kid he’s lecturing! I went to my room. Locked the door. Probably going to sleep now. Took morning meds.
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I feel like the weeks get longer. I’m starting to feel like I’m in survival mode with the kids. Having Joseph home is hhhhaaaarrrddd. He doesn’t listen to me. Yesterday he flat out said you’re stupid. I was furious but later sad that he would say that to me. I keep thinking I’m a bad mom. I’m sure I’m not but it feels like it.
Anyways I’m barely making it. Jonathan gets home and has to do homework so he’s no help. I’m so tired and lose my patience. August can’t come any sooner.
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Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.
Herbert Kretzmer (via quotemadness)
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I stopped looking for the light. Decided to become it instead.
Francheska (via quotemadness)
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oops I did it again
my medicine wasn't set up correctly. I didn't put Lithium in the AM pills for at least a week. Luckily I haven't been thinking about animals quite yet, I mean I notice on Facebook when I see puppies or exotic pets from Rainforest pet store. But not obsessing. I felt off though, yesterday. Its why I checked my meds. and boom there it was. I have no idea why sometimes I set them up wrong. how hard could it be?
I went to church today. Kinda against my will. I didn't want to. But during communion I carried Della up to the priest and I got emotional. Because I should want to go to church. God blessed me with a wonderful family. I think the real reason I don't want to go is taking the kids is difficult. I don't really get to ENJOY and FOCUS ON CHURCH. as much as I bitch about faith and church there's still that part of me that believes. I’m no where near my MIL I would call her a bible humper. not in a mean way. But she's got Joseph praying!
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Wanted
ive always thought that my mom in Paraguay didn't want me at all. I was basically a mistake. I was suppose to be an abortion. I think I struggled with that all my life and with everyone. It was hard in relationships to think that I am enough and I'm wanted. Obviously my mom and family think I am. But I questioned Jonathan or anyone else. I watched the movie Lion, and it makes me so sad but happy seeing Saroo see his mom again. I always wondered if my mom would have the same reaction. but I doubt it. I also wonder if I had siblings. we were told I did.
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Happy
Henrietta came to help me with the kids when Jonathan left for his TDY for 5 days. Thank God because she does so much when she's here. She really helps me with everything. House chores, kids, etc. I definitely needed her. I think I can do it on my own...but I'm super nervous having two kids at home for a year. I love Joseph sooo much. but he's a challenge.
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Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true.
Brian Tracy (via quotemadness)
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kicked out of school
well it happened. Joseph kicked two teachers and a child. one of the Childs mother has had complaints from their child about Joseph kicking them. my son is a bully. he kicked mr. Lito in the face this morning.
they said he can return Tuesday. But he won't. we have decided he needs to stay home. this will be a lot for me. a lot of anxiety. worries. feeling like a bad mom.
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