samtanx

[samtanx]

#DearNoOne

I've realized that I've forgotten how to talk and interact with people.

It's been a few days since this realization. And I haven't been able to fully process it yet. But maybe as I write further into this letter, by the end of it, i'd come to a conclusion, or a way to actually put what i'm feeling into words. Maybe.

It started with me typing out a message to my friend, and just as how fast as I was typing, it took me twice as fast to delete.

Supposedly, I was to share about feelings of being unnerved by someone. But as I was typing it out, I realized that it wasn't anything really. I realized that these feelings were actually more about my discomfort towards this person.

Which is weird because I've hung out with this person more times than a lot of the people in my life. We've eaten out quite a lot, been to multiple concerts together (say about 6?), even went on an overnight trip. So it would be kinda stupid to say that we aren't close.. but I'm just quite hesitant.

And it's not on them.

I know a 100% that it's on me.

I have this mask where people think I'm so free and comfortable around them and that we're best friends–but I know in me that I'm still at an arm's length (if not more) distance from them.

Or maybe I do let my guards down but at any sign that they'd betray that, no questions asked and i'd build up even higher walls.

And it made me think, who else in my life have I considered close but treat this way? Who have I actually allowed to get a glimpse of me?

And I can't help but think about the trauma of what last year has brought me and how while it no longer makes me bawl, it's changed me quite a lot.

I'm not 100% comfortable with the people I meet and I don't let people in because I'm scared to make a mistake again and ruin relationships again.

I'm a coward. I'm a coward because I'm too scared of taking a chance on people–on myself.

Fuck

[samtanx]

#DearNoOne

It's almost the anniversary. Or is it already the anniversary? I can't fully remember. Cause even back then, everything was a blur. The only thing I remember was crying for a long time with no knowledge of the time or the days.

I remember how my stomach would growl but my brain couldn't understand why it was. Because the only thing running in my mind was hurt.

What did I do exactly?

Do I deserve this?

Anger. Hurt. Frustration. Pain. Pain. Pain.

I don't remember exact things but I remember having bruised fingers because I had to claw myself to stop my tears in the office. I remember clawing myself so that I could smile in front of the bosses. I remember clawing myself because it was the only way to numb myself and at the same time, the only way to feel again.

Crying. I remember a lot of crying; on the street, in the train, while drinking in my favorite cafe, off-cam during meetings, during my smoke breaks. I'd fall asleep crying then cry again when I woke up.

Pain.

But then I also remember how I lost tears. Have you ever read novels where writers described characters who cried so much and ran out of tears? I've always thought that it was an exaggeration–it wasn't. I remember crying and then remember how I couldn't any longer. I lost my tears.

Despite the loss of my tears, it was still there–pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Have you ever felt like your heart was being squeezed and torn? That's what I've been feeling since then.

And alone. Hahaha when I think about it, I have this tendency to push people away and yeah, that's probably why I am. But I guess I'm just scared. I'm so fucking scared that this piece that's left of me would shatter and leave me with nothing. I'm so scared of letting people in because if I lose this last piece then I don't think i'll ever be able to survive it.

Fuck.

Happy Anniversary to my loneliness. Cheers.

[samtanx]

[samtanx]

[samtanx]

#DearNoOne

Hurt people, hurt people.

This is a saying i've seen everywhere and have used even. But it's only now where I've actually experienced the gravity of it.

Earlier this year, out of my stress and exhaustion, I did something wrong. So so terribly wrong. Whoever ends up accidentally reading this, please don't do it. I talked shit about one of my closest friends because of one very puny thing. Imagine, it wasn't even a mistake, I was just so fucking tired and needed someone to point my frustration towards.

And some might say, you just talked shit. But the reality is, words when transmitted can often be lost in translation and words can hurt way more than physically hurting others cause it hits the heart. And the heart may look past it and may even be forgotten. But the hurt claws its way into one's heart, forges it in there and is kept in one's amygdala–our body's pocket for trauma.

So yes, it was bad.

And as the saying goes, hurt people, hurt people. Just as I hurt her, she hurt me. And boy did she hurt me back I never thought I ever would be.

She almost got me fired, turned everyone I know against me, made me feel alone in this foreign land where she was one of the people I considered family here.

And I get it, I hurt her I really did. But did I deserve all that? Did I deserve it so bad that I'm still payinh for it til now–6 months later?

I didn't even have the opportunity to apologize but at this point, do I still want to? There are days when I'm better but there are also days like this when I'm just reliving all the pain.

[samtanx]

I always find comfort in being in an unknown place; searching for something you're not really sure of--only to catch yourself finding well.. yourself.

[samtanx]

IG: @spamtan

[samtanx]

Who else thinks that Dany is slowly turning into a real, ~*insane*~, Targaryen she was born to be? *cough* Viserys, Mad King *cough*

[samtanx]

[samtanx]

[samtanx]

[samtanx]

[samtanx]

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn fast.

William Nicholson (via wordsnquotes)

[samtanx]

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[samtanx]