sad-rackateer

[sad-rackateer]

this is me when I'm trying to articulate my struggle with my gender to my therapist and end up saying I feel like I'm trapped and not myself when I express and identify as a woman, and that my body feels wrong, but I'm still totally on the fence about transitioning, can't do that, no-siree-what-if-I'm-wrongggg and just a dum dum who doesn't know anything

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{{Being on the schizo-type spectrum and plural at the same time can be something so absurdly comedic sometimes.

Because I'll be posted up in the frontroom of my own internal psychodrama, trying to reality check the personification of my overactive paranoia like-

"Yeah, cool, I understand we're currently being gangstalked by The FBI, but why is Jareth from the hit (1986) Jim Hension film 'Labrynth' starring David Bowie doing here?"}} Like that's a normal thing to say.}}

[I'm too lazy to color my text rn, not that it's important]

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there was a time when a girl such as myself could take a hit off of her weed pen and simply chill, but no! now if I do that I detach from reality and experience symptoms of psychosis. Fucking mental illness.

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my freakin mom's been stressin me the heck out

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accidentally thought about one of my best friends dead in a glue trap which was such a depressingly tragic thought that I started laughing because it was also ridiculous as shit

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my girlfriend calls me her sea witch gf

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the only bit of solid wisdom I've gained from all of this that I feel confident in is that it's important to be nice to other ppl

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(suicide tw)

those tik tok tarot readings are like "queen 😤 you have ended 🛑✋ a cycle of self doubt 😱 you are on your way to 🔥greatness🔥" and I'm over here like girl I'm suicidal rn

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somewhere I cannot define. I'm holding pieces of a woman and of something that I have no name for.

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I think I'd be happy if I was with someone right now. I am lonely. I forgot what it was like to deserve loneliness. I don't mean that I deserve to be alone and unhappy, but I do mean that. I mean it in the best way possible. For a little while, I didn't "let myself" feel loneliness and I could not identify it anymore, but I was so terribly lonely all the same. Now I miss my friends and I say that and it's a big deal. I miss my friends. I deserve to be hanging out with someone right now. I deserve a late night drinking wine with someone in silence. I am lonely and I get to say that.

No clothes appeal to me. My body does not want to be shown. It's hiding and I can't explain it. I just woke up. Whenever I put my binder on it feels like home again but it also hurts my chest. I am a little bit tired. I want to love my soft body so much.

[sad-rackateer]

No clothes appeal to me. My body does not want to be shown. It's hiding and I can't explain it. I just woke up. Whenever I put my binder on it feels like home again but it also hurts my chest. I am a little bit tired. I want to love my soft body so much.

[sad-rackateer]

update: DO NOT GO OFF THE THING YOU HAVE BEEN INJECTING COLD TURKEY FOR OVER A YEAR WITHOUT A DOCTOR HELPING YOU AND WITHOUT PROPER MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT! THIS HAS BEEN A PSA FROM THIS HOT MESS TO ANY OTHER HOT MESSES IN THE WORLD READING THIS!

I'm thinkin of going off of testosterone and I know I'm gonna be miserable for a few weeks but I wanna do it

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Oooh! Ooooooh! I've been in my head! I've been in my head for years now!! Ooooooh! No wonder I had a psychotic break!!

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I caught a big case of the "whoops I projected onto my friends" and also need to start telling them things, like how I'm doing and what's going on with me

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update! I'm not miserable, I've actually been doing really well. I'm on the tail end of what I think was my adjustment period and while I did have some minor health issues, I also felt good about my decision and good otherwise

I'm thinkin of going off of testosterone and I know I'm gonna be miserable for a few weeks but I wanna do it