ryanjdel

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A COOL THING - EPISODE TWO - CAMERA COLLECTION. A Cool Thing is a series of short films where I look into something I find cool, interesting or special to me. I hope you all enjoy!

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This is the first episode of my new series, A Cool Thing. A series where I find little nicknacks and objects that either have nostalgic value to me or I just plain think they’re neat. This first episode is about an old pocket tv my family has had for a long time. 

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I shot this short film by myself as a challenge to make a horror film before Halloween, I already shared it here once but it got no traction so here’s Knock Knock!

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These were some of the first photos I ever took on my Canon EOS M3. My real introduction to photography outside a disposable camera.They’re extremely amateur but what do you expect I was 18, never had any experience in photography or Lightroom before. But these make me really happy. I really wish I could go back to the Grand Canyon with my skills now and the way I look at things. These shots mean something to me. This got me hooked on photography.

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I LOVE NEW YORK

This was a short film I made for college. We were challenged to make a short film, in any genre thats under a minute and a half long. I was in New York City a short while before this, and captured a lot of my time there. I ended up making a short love letter to a city I’d not been reared in but yet it feels like home. The second this pandemic is over and its safe to travel I NEED to get back to New York. Also forgive the camera work. I was still very amateur at this time, my filming mentality was the same as a Dad with a Super8 camera filming his kids birthday. Just point, shoot and zoom on random crap.

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New York City - New York - USA (by Thomas Hawk) 

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Lonely Loner

From as early as around 9 or 10 I was already getting extremely unhappy and isolating myself from others. I had friends, not many but I had a few. However, I always found myself alone. Even well into my teen years I’d push myself away from others who made it clear they cared about me. I’m lonely, but I want to be left alone almost all the time. Granted in recent years people have come and gone who’ve made that better, some who’ve made it worse. But I still find myself feeling like I’d be better off outcasting myself.  I’ve never understood it. I’m lonely, and while there are people there who care about me and love me. I push them away and dwell on my loneliness. I’ve ruined potential relationships this way, and almost lost good friends. Maybe I’m always going to feel this way. A walking paradox.

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Am I a Failure?

Disclaimer: Now I know I’m better off than some. But I need to let this out. This is my experience, and I know it could be worse. I know. Picture yourself in a classroom, always at the front of the class because the teacher, who has had you for six years, feels you need special attention. She constantly tries to make you go to her tutoring sessions, and insults your intelligence by telling you to move from a Higher level course to a lower level, because “you’re not cut out for it”. That was the majority of my time in school. Now it’s not like I was an idiot, nor was I going to Harvard any time soon. But I was a bright kid, in my own ways. In my Leaving Certificate year I was constantly told how I wasn’t going to pass my exams. My mental health took a dive. I started smoking. I was depressed. Among all this, life long relationships were shattering before my eyes, realising I wasn’t surrounding myself with the right people. It. Sucked. 

I ended up developing an attitude, I stopped caring about my exams, and just wanted to get by. Even through my honest lack of effort, I managed to get a high grade in my higher level English exam. I was euphoric. All I wanted to do was show my result to my teacher. Stick it in her face, show her that I could do it. I didn’t even do it for me. I did it to rub it in her face. I have resented my final year of school for many reasons. Ruined friendships. Smoking. Bad experiences with relationships, and my exams.  Though I did well, I resented my results for the past few years, mostly because all my life I was told all I needed was good exam results, and I’d be able to get in a good college, and get a job. While college wasn’t a problem. (only doing a few months of Animation, realising it wasn’t me and then going on to get a diploma in Film) But I’ve struggled to find work for years, I’ve only had ONE real job. That was doing door to door sales for PhoneWatch, a house alarm company. It was a good product. But the timing was awful. Sure, the job was hard, being out in wind rain and snow, bothering people at their homes to try get them to sign a contract.

 But I was good. I made 4 grand in my first month. But then March came, and Covid-19 started to spread through Ireland. Restrictions were put into place, but not at Phonewatch. Sure they said we can’t shake hands, but they expected us to risk our health going out knocking doors. This, coupled with the fact the virus had lead to less people opening doors out of fear of getting infected, made it so I was making no money by the end of the month. I had already passed both pay days. It was a commission only job. I did a full Months free labour in the wind, rain and snow for these soulless salesmen who didn’t give a shit about me. Sure I could have made more money through referrals. But no one got back to me. While the world was on fire,  these guys saw it as “Everyones at home, lets knock some doors.” Sure they wore fancy suits and made a few grand every month. But thats before taxes. None of them drove, and the ones who did couldnt afford fuel half the time, or their car was falling apart.

So I left, then day immediately after I quit, and handed in my badge and booklet, it was announced the whole Country was on lockdown. Shit.  Ever since I’ve been trying to find ways to get work, make money during all this craziness. But I can’t find anything. I’ve been working for my mum, cleaning and maintaining the property for my mums playschool. I hate it. I studied film, I invested in cameras and lenses, I’m trying so hard to find a way to get into the industry but I can’t. Now I see classmates of mine going on to make web-series’, working for big Youtubers/TikTok stars, even shooting for big fashion brands. While I’m still living with my parents, falling in and out of taking care of my health. Getting nothing done. Growing older, fatter and more depressed by the day. I’m in therapy now. Thankfully. But I can’t feel like everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve worked for has lead to nothing. Have I gone right back to square one? Am I a fucking loser? 

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Self portraits from today trying out some new lights.  Yee Haw.

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Hello, Tumblr.

This is strange. A website I used to adore so much in my early teens, which faded into obscurity in my mind, is now peaking my interest once again. Blogging has become incredibly attractive to me recently, I’m not sure why. Maybe its the idea of being able to write down my thoughts, instead of just posting a photo of my face on Instagram. With much less limitations and a less toxic environment than Twitter. 

A place where I can blog and keep it detatched from my professional work, keeping my website strictly for business. Facebook would have been the closest thing to this, if it were still 2012 and Facebook hadn’t become void of any life. While meme groups are alive and thriving, I cannot remember the last time I saw a genuine status update. Facebook has gone from a place to keep up with friends (though that’s a whole subject I’m not getting into), to a breeding ground for undesirables like angry old boomers, scam artists, and needlessly political  doomers. Twitter isn’t much better, like I said. Toxic.

But Tumblr.  Tumblr has a relatively clean reputation as of late, despite the whole porn ban last year, say whatever you want on that. Sure, its been said how people on here can be overly sensitive, or that it’s riddled with Social Justice Warriors. But I don’t think it is any more so than Twitter. It doesn’t matter really. No matter who you are, what you have to say or where you say it. Someone would be upset about it.  I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want to give blogging a try. Not just on a hosting site like Wordpress or my own site. Something on a social platform. Maybe find some like minded people in these weird times. All I know for sure is, I’m gonna give it a shot.