russianblondie7

[russianblondie7]

[russianblondie7]

[russianblondie7]

[russianblondie7]

[russianblondie7]

[russianblondie7]

Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.

[russianblondie7]

Now I’m empty. I have nothing to give to anyone. Except for talking about my pain. And since I realize that’s toxic, I’ve simply isolated.

[russianblondie7]

I wish people would stop telling me they love me. I don't feel it and it's no one's fault but my own. I say it back bc I feel I'm supposed to but the truth is that idk what I feel anymore. Do I really love anyone or do I just not care about myself enough to continue self-sabotaging?

My thoughts often contradict my actions. I'm aware. I speak death and encourage self-neglect/ harm on myself yet practice life and giving to others. Just to be clear though, my giving is not always selfless in nature which makes me question if I actually do care about others. I mean the fact I act opposite I feel in the first place could mean I care at least somewhat. However, I can't confidently say I care or feel enough love to stay. This is why I don't nurture relationships or neglect them altogether bc when the time comes, there shouldn't be any reason to mourn.

Would I give my life for others bc I care about them or bc I don't care about myself? Does it matter?

[russianblondie7]

[russianblondie7]

[russianblondie7]

[russianblondie7]

[russianblondie7]

[russianblondie7]

@bipolarboii told me this was tumblr worthy 😌

[russianblondie7]

[russianblondie7]