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The way John Mulaney speaks is the vocalized version of When You Capitalise Every Word Like This

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i am an idiot sometimes but sometimes i am an idiot to be funny you know? for the joke. and i want people to know the difference. sometimes my actions are purposeful. sometimes i think. i want you to know that. even when i am just being a regular idiot i choose to say things knowing i am an idiot. i am the chooser of my own fate. i am the god of my own reality.

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*Male director voice* I wanted it to be raw and real. I wanted you to see her at her lowest point. Her most vulnerable. I wanted it to be ugly and uncomfortable.

The scene in question: woman takes off her makeup

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🎃 🐢 Watch the full video on YouTube

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Loose,

Footloose,

All of your feet are loose.

Feet,

Loose feet,

You’re going to lose your feet

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Republican politics: we want marginalized people to die off

Democrat politics: we can only sexually get off from losing elections

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not much discussion of bagpipes on this web site

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I needed this pep talk. (x)

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sharice davids just unseated a republican in the middle of fucking kansas becoming the first native american woman to serve in the us house of representatives and guess what SHE’S ALSO A LESBIAN 

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fucking ted cruz i swear to god.

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im crying please texas

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Because I remember disinformation being spread around the last election and I’m sure Russia will bring it back:

YOU CAN’T VOTE ONLINE.

YOU CAN’T VOTE FROM YOUR PHONE.

IN MANY STATES THERE ARE LEGAL CONSEQUENCES FOR PHOTOGRAPHING YOUR BALLOT.

DO NOT WEAR CAMPAIGN GEAR TO THE POLLS.

DO NOT TRY TO PERSUADE PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR A CANDIDATE AT THE POLLS.

DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY KIND OF POLITICAL DISCOURSE AT THE POLLS.

NO ELECTION IS EVER A SURE THING, EVEN IF YOU’RE IN THE BLUEST OR REDDEST OF STATES.  IF SOMEONE TRIES TO TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN SIT THIS ONE OUT, THEY ARE EITHER IGNORANT OR MALICIOUS.

VOTE.