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#MyDogIsMy
I fell out of bed and on to Dakota every night in my sleep. It was almost habitual. She never growled or slept on a different patch of carpet but took it as a motherly task just caring for one of her own. As a kid, I shared the room with my older sister – beds on separate sides and Dakota nestled on the ground between to keep us safe. Dakota was an American Lab who had been in the family since before I was born, but everyone said we had a connection that couldn’t be explained. There are great stories of her merciless independence, like how she gave birth to Trouble Brewin’ in the middle of the street, looked astounded at what just fell out of her, and then just kept on walking. She would pass before my family moved to the East Coast, but my mom promised me a new best-friend and kept on that promise with Chloe.
We heard word through a friend-of-a-friend that this Beagle puppy was going to be put-down because she was no-longer of-use to the testing facility. It’s safe to say this was cause enough, but her honey-badger intelligence and playful personality were love at first Beagle yelp. Whether it was playing tag as she got faster and faster, or all-day walks in a middle of the woods, she was my adventure girl and cuddle-buddy. I wasn’t able to bring her to college however and my post-college year stints in Utah and Hawaii created longer stretches between visits home. When I finally landed a stable gig in Oregon, she was already 13 and very close to our new Border-Collie Pitbull mix Annie for me to bring her out west. Each visit home became harder and harder as I never knew if this would be it – the last romp in the river or last jump on the bed.
At the start of last summer, my mom said she was starting to show signs of her 15 year old self, and that I should try to find a way home, which wouldn’t be until September at the earliest. It was wrenching knowing I had responsibilities I couldn’t quite but that I might be too late for my best-friend. Then in July, I heard Chloe started running again with that familiar young spark and beagle yelp, and I selfishly thought maybe she would make it to see her boy one more time. I flew home on a Friday and on that Monday in late September, she gave her last breath in my arms, in the backyard she knew so well.
I am at an age where I realize that growing up isn’t about respect or strength. It’s about being aware of all of the things you touch. I had forged a bond with Chloe, as I did with Dakota, and while I wasn’t able to reciprocate in her final years by being absent, she had kept that commitment until the very end by waiting to see me. This undeniable attachment of spirit to our four-legged companions starts with a simple contract. If they like you, they love you. If you like them, you love them back and promise to care for them. Ever since Chloe passed, I have wanted to enhance my life with another pup, but needed the structure and stability that could uphold that commitment. That just hasn’t been there with all the work-travel and long days away from home. I couldn’t do that to a new pup. But recently, as I build my career and support system, I am finally able to look in that direction again. I am looking at fulfilling that promise.
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Might be, might not
It's been weeks, and I still have memories lingering on me like a scent that won't fade. Those first shared words, butterflies awakened, driven that I may not get another chance to see you again. Or how when I lay my head down to sleep I still adore seeing you swing your hips, raised hands, to the echo of the jukebox tunes.
I have too many questions to count, and a curiosity for you that will not quite. And I don't get it. We just met, it was random, and we're hundreds of miles apart.A heap of bad experiences tell me that this is plain stupid to keep pursuing. She can't be thinking the same way. She has moved on already. But I miss that. I miss you, being surprised, learning more about your life, finding the little things that make you smile. Walking hand-in-hand across the midnight streets. The comfort of a cold night's sleep in your warmth that lingers through the morning. The way of your fearless touch, how you bite my neck or rub your hands through the collar of my shirt. It's never felt so easy, so careless as with you.
Look, I know you're scared and still tending scars. I could tell from the start that your past weighs heavy, and there's much more to you that is still not ready to be shared. I just know I don't want to cast this chance away because a heart like yours is rare to find.
And maybe we should just accept that all we had was all we will have. The brightest candles burn the strongest. The wick surely runs out and the good times take their turn. What is, has been, and it's all just memories now. But I want to make more...with you.
And so I'll leave you with this. Music moves through me, and puts to action that which words alone can not. To get through the day and especially the night, I made a playlist aptly named. Maybe you'll give a listen? Here's hoping I can keep the conversation going with you.
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Should have never been
I see you, and all I want to do is give.
Give you feels, chill to music, make-out in the car, watching the sun set, staying way to long in that abandoned dirt lot. I have dreamt of the magic moments together, both explored and unexplored. Quiet moments where we just enjoy the company. Loud moments that feel isolated between just us. I do love you. The few , fleeting moments we did share were precious and beautiful. They were youthful and fun and true. Spending time with you was a rollercoaster of chaos, but one I will cherish for the rest of my life.
Now listen, I’m not writing to fuck with your mind. I don’t want you to pursue. You’re on to a new adventure and I’m on a separate path of my own. But I would be an idiot to not express the realness of what we shared, and the love that is still there. And maybe that’s just it, maybe love is just a moment we have no control over. It can be 1 minute, 1 hour, or 1 lifetime. But it is as free as the wind, and as restless as the ocean - and all we can do is let it fully explore us and run through is with the lifetime it alone determines.
I am jealous. You have a beautiful view on life. But it is a young and ignorant one at that. I look towards the day your maturity of mind reaches the level of your thirst for life’s joys. Don’t rush it though. Be youthful. Stumble often. Love hard. You’ll find your way eventually.
I also want to thank you for taking a leap, taking a chance on me, on us. Somehow I feel this may be the last time we see each other for a long time and I haven’t said this outside my own thoughts before…though I should have. You saw something in me, you pursued it when others left doubt on your ambitions, or halted your steadfast mindset. And still you pursued. And that, that is courage. Stay true to yourself, trust your instincts, and enjoy the hell out of the journey.
Make the most of your time in Idaho. Congratulations - that is a real milestone and you should celebrate. Those next years will be a crazy turbulent ride but I have confidence you will find your purpose and pursue success only the way the wild ones can - with hearts full and driven by a wanderlust spirit. I’ll be seeing you.
Love.
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Without cause
6 months. Do you ever question what you could do in 6 months? I have been listening to Gary Vaynerchuk recently off a tip from one of my roomates. Hustle, hustle, hustle is his motto. You are going to die one day, is another. While I certainly see that mentality, there is another side (maybe fear) that believes you should find more of a balance and not overly tip the scales towards work, work, work. When I look back on life, yeah I want to leave a legacy and something more than just a blimp on the radar. I have that bull-like mentality within me, sure. But, I also know that retrospective is overrated and the here and now is essentially all that makes up the human experience. Our lives are a series of events, one after another, with each blending into the next to the point where we can’t recognize one from the other unless they stand out like candles in a pitch black room. So whats the plan? Work/play 50.50? It never works like that and to be honest I enjoy the work as well. I also enjoy the hell out of working hard and knowing I busted ass for something. In the end, this is all part of a practice, a daily habit - something to enhance your life during the journey, not just the end result if there ever is one. Purpose then ignites with a rant. So I guess this is a start, a conversation. If not now when, if not with myself, then who?
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