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Жизнь проходит и суть в том, чтобы идти с ней в ногу

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Secret history

is a classic first novel. It has too many details, too many words - which happens a lot when you write your very first novel for you feel like this is your one and only chance to say everything you have to say. I like the author, I think the editor should be questioned though.

As for the story itself - it’s a nice reflection on American Dream 2.0. If Gatsby, Martin Iden or Dreiser’s American Tragedy are original critical reflections on American Dream that told you you can fit in in the land of happiness as soon as you make a needed amount of money, then Tartt’s book is a reflection on a modern re-telling of this dream - you can fit in as long as you get a right education. Main character Richard learns too late (or too soon) that it’s a lie, that he is never going to be one of them, and that’s a real tragedy of his life is not the fact he was born too good for his environment but that he feels that he is too good for his environment.

The first part of the book is my favorite - the longing for the University that does not exist, the spirit of academia that can be found in Dead Poets Society, the triumph of aesthetics over ethics. The second part is a bit messy, Dostoevky in progress, with too much potential wasted and a general feeling that author backed up from the road that felt too difficult to follow. I liked the book but I don’t think I’ll ever re-read it and I cannot recommend it as I know books better than this to recommend instead.

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The fog amongst the trees and pines all wet from winter rain

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That was a proper adventure.

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Social media put a never-ending feeling of being watched on their users. We are always followed, always observed, always judged and the verdict of jury never waits to follow. On the one hand, it gives instant feeling of validation, even over-validation. Our very regular thoughts get a round of applause via an avalanche of likes and comments, which constructs a deceptive idea that these thoughts were indeed unique and valuable. They were valuable for us - for we were thinking them and liking them - but in the most cases they were rather dull and not new at all. This over-validation is nice. On the one hand.

On the other hand, it creates a burden of responsibility over dull every-day thoughts. Just as social media praise of planners and bullet journals passionately embraces hustle culture and anxious strive to be productive constantly, likes' reinforcement creates a burden of responsibility over thoughts. Are you just enjoying a sunny afternoon at the park or are you thinking deep thoughts about our relationships with nature and time? Only one will work for the Instagram post’ caption, so...

This creates a constant pressure of being not even perfect, but interesting. Followers give us their attention so we better not betray their trust. Our thoughts are examined and assessed by friends or even random people and this is an overwhelming amount of control over our lives. Human beings need solitude, especially a solitude in thoughts. We are not perfect and we are mostly rather boring, and we can and should be such as this is a very human thing to be.

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In these days of self-distancing it's nice to read about different lands where sun touches the ocean and the sand is white.

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A day in Sorrento feels like a book, not like a short story.

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A very very very old coffee mill. It's a pleasure to creak and crunch while making a coffee

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The only thing that one owns is the experience of now

One meditation

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Life without social media (kind of)

Around a month ago I’ve decided to delete all social media apps from my phone.

I was sitting in my favorite cafe, just finished reading Beloved by Toni Morrison (which is wonderful, btw), wrote a quick post about it on Instagram and then felt - it’s time. I can delete social media now.

Deleting social media wasn’t a sudden move for me. I was thinking about it for more than half a year, had a month of social-media-detox during summer, read wonderful Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport and even more wonderful Wolden or Life in the Woods by Henry Thoreau. There was one thing that I liked the most about social media - they provided me with a kind of digital notebook where I could write my reviews and store my photos. I’ve started Tumblr for this:)

So, I’ve deleted it. I felt better immediately. Like I was travelling and had no internet on my phone. I felt alone in a nice way - far away from a madding crowd. The snow was falling that day - a rare case in this snowless winter. The city center was glowing with street lights. There was something in the air - freedom, I guess, and a pleasant kind of solitude I did not know I was missing that much.

I am still using social media though. I’m checking Instagram couple of times per week from my laptop (trying to stop doing it at all), I watch Youtube, which is probably the main problem with social media for me right now. That’s about it.

I didn’t miss anything important. In terms of news I watch breakfast news that give me just about enough coronavirus anxiety for a day. In terms of what I’ve got from deleting them, the main advantage is feeling of having a lot of time. I didn’t get that much more time in absolute values, but I have way more periods of uninterrupted activities, which is subjectively perceived as having more time on the whole. Social media distract, and it is not a good type of distraction. For me, they broke my focus as a child breaks thin ice in puddles. Without having them on my phone, I feel like my attention is slowly getting restored.

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Photo with my old Zenit

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Nice place from today's walk

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There is this moment, this brief unexplainable moment of clarity in thought and heart, when a mind suddenly tunes with the world and you just see it as it is.

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Roland Barthes said: "in initial period, photography, in order to surprise, photographs notable; but soon, by a familiar reversal, it decrees notable whatever it photographs".

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