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Dec 12th 2022, it was the last time you've messaged me that it was time for lunch while I was working from my room Ma, and now I only have that screenshot to remind me that you would never want me to ever go hungry.

Since then, you'd just lay down and sleep the whole day, the few times you'd be awake you'd just give out a sweet smile. We'd tell you a few jokes, you'd still smile but it was as if you were lucid from your meds.

Little did we realize that your organs were shutting down, it was your body going through the process of letting go. After more than a decade since you've had your first stroke, your smile amidst your silence was telling us it was your time to go.

The last time I could remember us having a conversation was a few days after New Years as I've handed you your monthly allowance, you said thank you with the most genuine smile as you struggled to look for your purse and set the money aside.

We may have had other conversations after that, but I'd like to keep that etched into my core memory as the last meaningful interaction we've had. This season would be especially difficult knowing you're not here.

It's been almost a year since you've passed, and there's not a moment that when I step out of my room that I do not yearn to see you on your usual spot. I've been mostly stuck in my room since, even missed out on meeting friends, and I know you wouldn't want that. I'll try next year.

I've read articles and seen videos on the internet about one's natural response to the process of withering away, the peaceful process of dying, and somehow it gives me peace that you didn't have to suffer as much, and that you were around people you dearly loved.

It's Dec 12, 2023 Mama. I've taken my lunch and dinner.

I love you and I miss you.

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Alam mo yung feeling na wala kang kwenta pero alam mong di ka naman nagkukulang?

I work at odd hours, against any advise of any of my doctors. Sa dami naming magkakapatid, labing dalawa, most of them working, pero ako lang yung nagtatrabaho para may medical coverage ang magulang.

And walang transparency when it comes to shares sa gastos sa bahay. Like I shell out 11k sa bahay monthly. I don't even go out and swerte na kung makapagtabi for savings, pero ramdam ko parang binibilang bawat bukas ko ng ref.

While everyone else gets to go out, have fancy dinners, shop for things they like, even travel. They just went on a local travel spree last Oct, and now they're traveling out of the country this Dec, I dont even get an invite, parang makakaabala lang siguro ako.

Since Mama passed, expenses definitely went down since we didn't have to shoulder her meds anymore, etc. Pero for me, it stayed the same, even higher, as losing her made me feel guilty that I volunteered to get my brother a st peter plan, and chip in to my nephew's life plan.

I'm sure Mama would rather that I enjoy what remains of my life but I really hope I wouldn't reach 50. I just feel so shitty right now, I am demotivated, I feel there's just nothing to look forward to. Having pre existing conditions & being depressed for the longest time suck.

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Mama, I miss you.

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Naretrieve na rin, for private thoughts not suitable for twitter.

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Puro naman pick me gays sa kabila. Umay. Ugh.

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C19W6D7 Magandang Umaga, Pilipinas. (at Otis, Paco) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_TGLfRphMI/?igshid=1swby6xtzhzkn

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Covid Diaries Day 8: When the sun rises, it rises for everyone. https://www.instagram.com/p/B-F4aM5Jt2A/?igshid=gqzr77wpa304

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Jeepney signs. #WhenInManila #Manila #Pinoy #Pilipinas #Filipino #ItsMoreFunInThePhilippines #StreetScenes #FromWhereIStand #Philippines #jeepney #transportation (at Padre Faura Street) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8fmXFnJeMe/?igshid=1tipb9tr8698e

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Kids playing in a park, as they should. #WhenInManila #Manila #Pinoy #Pilipinas #Filipino #ItsMoreFunInThePhilippines #Filipino #park #FromWhereIStand #StreetScenes #Philippines (at General Luna St Ermita Manila) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4zbm7wnep8/?igshid=14j8huodj8gt2

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Saging na pula. Mukhang matapang. #WhenInManila #Pinoy #Filipino #Philippines #Pilipinas #red #ItsMoreFunInThePhilippines #fruits #FromWhereIStand #banana #redbanana https://www.instagram.com/p/B4zbO6Enb8c/?igshid=1rb3neaf5z1or

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A lady LRT captain. Gender equality, come through. #train #trains #trainstation #lrt #Manila #WhenInManila #Pinoy #Filipino #Pilipinas #Philippines #StreetScenes #GenderEquality #ItsMoreFunInThePhilippines #OldManila #FromWhereIStand #masstransit #masstransport (at Lrt1- Gil Puyat Station) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4jwS9aHOqX/?igshid=10loh4g88c8rw

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Hello hospital, we meet again. #WhenInManila #Manila #ManilaMed #Philippines #ItsMoreFunInThePhilippines #Pilipinas #Pinoy #FromWhereIStand #hospital (at ManilaMed) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4hPwjyHPWE/?igshid=chxe97idumsp

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You can take everything I have You can break everything I am Like I'm made of glass Like I'm made of paper Go on and try to tear me down I will be rising from the ground Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper. #skyscraper #WhenInManila #Manila #Pinoy #Pilipinas #Filipino #ItsMoreFunInThePhilippines #Filipino #Taguig #FromWhereIStand #StreetScenes #Philippines #bgc (at Ecoprime Tower) https://www.instagram.com/p/B38xMDCJQEN/?igshid=1fv53ng01do1m

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This used to be my playground This used to be my childhood dream This used to be the place I ran to... #RainyNight #WhenInManila #Makati #Manila #Pinoy #Pilipinas #Filipino #ItsMoreFunInThePhilippines #Filipino #FromWhereIStand #StreetScenes #Philippines #cvg #Ayala (at Cvg 1 Ayala) https://www.instagram.com/p/B3gF5Cln30i/?igshid=oa5t8cj512ou

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Shtrawberry Sharap Talaga! #WhenInManila #Manila #Pinoy #Pilipinas #Filipino #ItsMoreFunInThePhilippines #Filipino #FromWhereIStand #StreetScenes #Philippines #WhenInBaguio #Baguio #StrawberryTaho #Strawberry (at Mines View Park, Baguio City, Phil.) https://www.instagram.com/p/B3Vg6cbnAd2/?igshid=8281bztogp22

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Makipot na escalator ng Rob Manila. #WhenInManila #Manila #Pinoy #Pilipinas #Filipino #ItsMoreFunInThePhilippines #Filipino #mall #robinsonsplacemanila #FromWhereIStand #StreetScenes #Philippines (at Robinson's Place Ermita, Manila) https://www.instagram.com/p/B3NmnI_Htrf/?igshid=1ks117yxs4aq6

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50s Diner. Baguio. #WhenInManila #Manila #Pinoy #Pilipinas #Filipino #ItsMoreFunInThePhilippines #Filipino #FromWhereIStand #StreetScenes #Philippines #WhenInBaguio #Baguio #Retro #diner #restaurant (at 50's Diner Military-Cut Off Baguio City) https://www.instagram.com/p/B3I1jC0HMGe/?igshid=1faqsh6pdzqy4