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On Being Touched

It’s been a long time since I was touched romantically. A very long time.

Tonight he held my hands on the restaurant table. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gently tugged me into him as we sat on the couch and watched tv.

I feel warm and cool at the same time. It pools in my belly and makes me fear if I’m blushing. I worry that I’ve become the fabled Born-Again Virgin, but I haven’t reacted strongly to a man’s touch in so long.

He laughs easily, smiles genuinely. He fascinates me. 

When he’s not around, I think of him. When he texts me, I smile. I want to let him into my life and learn to be a part of his. He’s awakened a part of me I thought long dead. I wouldn’t call it love, or even lust, just curiosity. The spark of hope.

The hope that maybe it can happen for me again after all.

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On Falling Off The Wagon

I have not posted here in quite a while. I haven’t been keeping up with my morning and evening rituals. I haven’t been meditating. I’ve barely been cooking and keeping my room clean. Even writing this is tasking.

I have severe depression. My depression is affected by my Borderline Personality Disorder, which makes it much, much more difficult to deal with. It’s debilitating. If I miss even two doses of my medications, I fall into a deep depression and don’t take care of myself at all. I cannot function.

So I’m trying to give myself grace and understanding and not beat myself up for falling off the proverbial wagon. It’s very, very hard. I’m hoping to restart my rituals tonight and get back on the wagon. But I need to understand that I am very tired and might not succeed, and it’s ok to try again tomorrow morning.

Part of my self love journey is accepting these setbacks as hiccups and not tragic failures that condemn me. I am my own worst critic, so it is a struggle to show myself kindness instead of harshness.

I’m off to take my medications and wash my face. I’ll be going to bed a little early tonight, I think.

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On Writing

For most of my life, I have been a writer. From angsty poems to silly essays, I’ve always found my place in my words. I have always received high marks for my writing and many people have told me I have a “unique way of expressing myself” which I value highly.

Due to many factors, mostly my health and working jobs that kept me in a state of bone-aching exhaustion, I haven’t actually written in years. I plan to change that. 

With this blog, I have been writing about my experiences in changing my life. I have made a list of topics I want to write about, with plenty of space for more topics as they come up. Some will be poetry, others will be essays. Either way, we’re gonna have fun!

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On Finding Joy In Chores

Before I underwent this journey of self love and tidiness, I used to hate certain tasks. I dreaded filling my medication dispenser, folding my laundry, doing the dishes, and many others.

But through a combination of meditation and a commitment to bettering myself, I’ve changed my mindset.

Now I look forward to folding my laundry. It gives me the opportunity to quiet myself, focus on the task at hand, and thank my items for being mine and dressing me. Filling my meds has become a zen moment to thank my meds for keeping me out of the worst of my depression and make a conscious commitment to my health and well being. Doing the dishes is a little harder, but I see it as a gift to my roommate and honoring the kitchen that, while too small, helps me nourish my body with tasty foods.

This mindset shift has been marked. It’s led me to ask questions like “Why do I dislike this?” “Does disliking this task keep me from doing it?” “How can I learn to appreciate it instead?”

I think that asking ourselves these questions can keep us honest with ourselves and help us focus on the positives of everyday chores. It’s certainly helped me be more productive and willing to put in the work to keep my environment tidy, while helping me be more mindful.

What tasks do you want to be better at doing?

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Mix your aesthetics.

Listen to The Killers or Queen or Foo Fighters whilst annotating Shakespeare. Drink coco-cola out of a wine glass. Wear those black spikey punk heels to an art gallery. Wear smudged eyeliner and red lipstick but keep your hands perfectly manicured. Rock out to classical composers whilst you spead along the coast.

Mix your aesthetics. We don’t have to be one thing. We contain multitudes.

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On Finding Love

I have been using OkCupid on and off for many years. It’s a good platform for finding like-minded people to talk to and maybe date. I’ve had a lot of great experiences and some less-great ones. I’ve been using it a lot lately. Some people are easy to talk to and have great conversations.

Then there’s T. He seems nice enough, but asks a lot of almost gate-keeper-y questions about nerd culture. I thought nothing of it, attributing his awkwardness to his likely lack of experience. All of a sudden, this morning he said “I love you” and immediately back tracked and said “I didn’t mean to say that” or something to that effect. Ok, red flag, but not the end of the world.

Suddenly, he asks for my bra size. I express how inappropriate that is and then block him. That’s 100% not ok. I don’t feel bad. He’s a grown adult and should know better. He did apologize, but I’m not going to give him another chance to make me uncomfortable again.

On the other hand, S has been a delight to talk to. He asks questions about my perfect day, what season I love the most, and what values I look for in a partner. And he answers them in kind. He makes me think in a more poetic way, which is my favorite way to look at the world. We talked about sunsets and how dusk is a beautiful time of day.

Online dating is very much a mixed bag. You get some Skittles with the M&Ms. (I hate Skittles) But it’s worth keeping at it. I always say “You get out of it what you put into it”.

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On Kindness

Today has been a good day. I got my anxiety medication filled, my parents gave me precooked bacon (which I forgot to take out of my purse and I hope to god it hasn’t been ruined), and I did some grocery shopping.

I complained to my roommate that I was going to get a Dr. Pepper from the cooler at the front of the store, but they weren’t cold (they were probably just filled) and I wanted a drink real bad. He put on his shoes, grabbed his mask, and went to QT in the rain to get me two Dr. Peppers and some Juul pods. (I don’t like it, but the nicotine in my Juul helps manage the bits of anxiety that my medication can’t quite reach)

When he came back and handed me the bag, I started to cry. Ugly cry. He showed me such selfless kindness out of his love and friendship for me, that I just broke down. I talk a lot about how this journey of self love and tidiness has been so good for me, but I rarely talk about how hard it has been.

Committing to loving yourself is hard work. You have to show up for yourself every time. I’m working on emotional processing and a lot has come up that I haven’t dealt with, even though it’s been a year. And cleaning my space was hard. I struggle with depression, which is made even worse by my Borderline Personality Disorder. It makes my lows much more low than ordinary depression. I had to push and push and keep reminding myself of what I was aiming for.

I did it. I’m doing it. But it’s so hard. And being shown kindness in my struggle today made all the difference.

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On Tidying My Life, Emotions

I’m on a journey of tidying my whole life and learning self-love. This is directly at odds with my tendency to fall into patterns of self-loathing and cluttered living. I’ve done the physical work of cleaning my home, and now I move on to the emotional work of de-cluttering my emotions.

Yesterday I had a revelation. Due to being pressured to enter a relationship a mere hours after ending the previous one, I was not given the time to properly process the breakup. I cried for sure. But I didn’t give myself space to experience all the emotions associated with it and let them go in a healthy way.

I got all clogged up from the new relationship and feeling pressured to be happy, when I wasn’t, at all. I got messed up from a miscarriage that left me just destroyed inside. So all the emotions I’ve kept at bay are now a proverbial minefield I’ve been avoiding. But self-love and ascendancy are on the other side of the minefield, and now it’s time to progress.

I’m not entirely sure where to start. Chronologically? Whatever feels the most painful? I’m not sure. It’s a mess. For now, I’ll work on the sadness of the relationship ending. At the time, I felt I had lost the love of my life. I had never felt that way about anyone before. Finding him incapable of emotional intimacy with me was a blow that deeply affected me.

He pushed me away, avoiding ever talking about his emotions, especially surrounding the death of a dear friend. (Whom I had no idea even existed because my ex wouldn’t let me into his life, but that’s another story) He pretended to be fine and outright told me to drop it when I gently brought it up. I finally couldn’t take it and for that reason, plus a bunch of other ones and the hormones of early pregnancy, I broke up with him.

He lashed out at me. He accused me of abandoning him when he needed me most, which is just not fair. He never let me in, he wouldn’t let me support him or help him. He accused me of being a narcissist (which I emphatically am not) and of cheating the whole time we were together. He berated me, trying to tear me down. Finally he started begging. He pleaded with me to come back, talk it out, go to couples therapy with him. He promised to seek help for his mental health. He found out about my fears of being pregnant (caused by an incomplete miscarriage) and assured me he would take care of me and the baby.

This push and pull tormented me. Of course I wanted him back. I loved him! But I couldn’t go back after the cruel things he said to me and about me. I was heartbroken all over again. Finally he stopped emailing me. I don’t know about him now. I hope he’s ok and getting the help he needs.

I want to let myself mourn the loss of a relationship I loved. I want to cry about it, to let myself feel the pain, and then to release it into the universe. Let it educate me and prepare me for who I am meant to be with, if anyone. But this will take time. I am committed to giving myself time to process this and heal from it.

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Another reason I really like Marie Kondo is that in other cleaning shows the host will looked shocked at the mess and the camera will flash to different piles with dramatic music stings. When Marie sees a draw filled with clutter she smiles from ear to ear and goes “I love mess, I love tidying”. Its just so wholesome and you can see the clients are relieved that she didn’t have a bad reaction.

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On Tidying My Life, Day 3

Today’s goals were to clean the bathroom and get some real groceries. I was armed with a list for both tasks. I got up and had my tea, I did my morning meditation, and I had absolutely zero motivation.

I dragged myself into my room and got dressed. I watched a few videos, procrastinating. Finally I worked up the motivation to clean. I put on my tunes and set to work. First step was to organize the cupboards and drawers. I put loose, tall items into a topless bin. Then I set to work going through my makeup. I let go of several pallets that I loved but never used. It weighed heavily on my heart, as I love makeup.

Makeup items purged, I placed them into a clear box with a lid, carefully making sure everything fit nicely. Next I went through my various Ipsy bags and their contents. I placed the ones I wanted to keep into another clear box and closed it. I tucked them away under the sink. Then I purged my drawers and organized them. So much more space!

I got out some other clean bins and put all my menstrual supplies in one and some assorted items in another. I put them in amongst the toilet paper boxes so they all fit neatly.

Then I cleaned the mirror, wiped down the counter, and cleaned the toilet inside and out. I felt so satisfied with the bathroom and snapped a few pictures. This feeling is addictive and I want to keep it up. I never want to get messy again.

Then I went to the store and bought my groceries. I listened to music while making my selections. I bought more produce than usual, and considered each meal I would make with the items. This made my trip much more productive. It became less about quick solutions (though I have a lot of those, still) and more about mindfully plotting out meals I want to make in the future.

Next week, I plan to make my favorite soup (white chicken chili) and I want to just eat more mindfully and purposefully. Then I came home and made space in my pantry, discarding trash and items that were either expired or I just didn’t like. With the new space, I put away my groceries. I breathed a sign of relief. Thanks to state assistance, I won’t go hungry or exclusively eat ramen. I am beyond grateful.

Then I went to my parents’ house for dinner. I took an impromptu nap on the club chair while waiting for dinner. Then my dear friend and unofficial big sister and her girlfriend stopped by to drop off her shower curtain and bath mat that I’m taking off her hands. She’s going to be living out of her van and traveling for the next 6 months, so she doesn’t need most of her possessions.

After a delicious dinner, I went home. I set the bath mat to wash (it’s covered in her dog’s fur) and settled in to relax.

I feel good about today. I was really struggling with my depression, but I was able to rally and get done what I wanted to do. I’m very proud of myself today.

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On Giving Yourself Time

Today I didn’t clean. I had my therapy appointment and was feeling very sleepy, so I took a nap. After my alarm went off, I turned it off and rolled over. Bad habit. A little while later, a friend (we’ll call her A) called me to ask if I wanted to meet her and the little one (we’ll call her C) at the mall instead of just going to dinner. I agreed. We hung up. I lingered, stretching in my comfy bed.

Reluctantly, I hauled myself up and got dressed. My outfit was CUTE and I felt POWERFUL. I put on some makeup and spritzed on my favorite perfume. I put on jewelry (which is something I haven’t done in a long time) and tied on my shoes. Such a comfort that I don’t have to dig through a pile to find my shoes anymore!

I went to the mall and waited for them to arrive. I played some Tetris, then read in my book. I just reached the epilogue and I’m so sad because it’s a fantastic book. (From Here To Eternity by Caitlin Doughty) They arrived. The little one handed me a small Hy-Vee bag. “Just a little something from us, since you’re struggling right now” said A. I opened the bag to find a card with a sun flower wearing sunglasses, which instantly cheered me. Inside was a note in a child’s handwriting (she’s getting so good at reading and writing!) and a gift card to Hy-Vee (my favorite grocery store). I nearly broke down in tears right there.

Then we wandered the mall and ended up in Spencer’s. We laughed at the shirts and mugs, and A bought me a mug that says “I (donut) care” with a picture of a donut and a lanyard that’s witchy and says “burn blunts not witches”. Then we went to get dinner. I had an amazing time with these unbelievably sweet young ladies. I am so blessed to have them in my life. A has a big heart and C is the funniest, cleverest young girl. I’m teaching her how to make soap!

Then I stopped for Starbucks (I had an old gift card) and checked the mail. My food assistance card came in! So I went home and activated it. Then I made a comprehensive grocery list and a list of the meals I want to make and options if I feel stumped. I almost cried. I was so emotional about being able to afford to feed myself on my own accord (partially).

It was an emotional day, but a very good one. I wasn’t productive, but I rested and had a wonderful time with people I care deeply for.

Sometimes life is about resting and connecting, and not productivity.

Tomorrow I will start reorganizing the bathroom. Tomorrow. For the first time in more than a year, I look to tomorrow with hope and excitement.

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On Tidying My Life, Day 2

This morning I had difficulty waking up on time. I hit the snooze button once, and ten minutes later I just turned my alarm off and fell back asleep. After what felt like five minutes, I got up and noticed it had been an hour. So I was up an hour late, but I’m not going to gripe at myself about it. I slept so well and needed the rest.

I had my tea and made a great breakfast of scrambled eggs and sausage. My favorite maple-flavored sausage! I caught up with social media, avoided the news because my mental state couldn’t take it. I did a brief meditation that didn’t help me become more centered like yesterday’s. I won’t be doing that one again.

Then I got dressed and went to my parents’ house to pick up a few things. My lovely mother ordered the jewelry box I put on my Amazon wishlist and it had arrived! I also took some hangars off their hands. Gonna need to hang up some clothes that won’t find homes in my packed drawers. Then I headed to QT and Price Chopper and then home.

Today’s focus was on my desk and the floor. I emptied out my desk of most of my makeup and stored what I was keeping in a plastic box to keep in the bathroom with the rest of my makeup. I can’t wait to do more creative looks with what I found! I placed my Xbox 360 in a drawer with video games, CDs, and cords. I went through some boxes that were just out and cluttering things up and put them in the closet to consolidate later on.

Everything in my vinyl shelving nonsense went to new homes either in my closet or in my desk. Then I moved the shelves to the hallway outside to be discarded. I hate that thing. It’s ugly and flimsy and just doesn’t serve me anymore. It allows me to be messy and just toss things into it, rather than purposefully folding and putting things away efficiently. I feel so relieved. It also made my room feel smaller and more cramped.

Now that it’s gone, there’s so much more space. I arranged my shoes in the space and got everything I could up off the floor. Next I cleared off the top of my desk. I hung all my bras on a hangar in the closet and took everything else off and into their proper homes.

My TV went back on the desk after probably over a week away, and I plugged my PS4 into it and moved the desk back up against the wall. It’s so much easier to move now that it’s almost empty!

And with that, my room is now mostly complete. There are a few detail things I want to do, but I don’t have the necessary bandwidth to do them today. I need to transfer my jewelry to the new box and consolidate stuff in my closet into clear plastic bins that I have waiting. I need to wash my bedding. I also need to thoroughly vacuum and dust, and my window needs washing.

I have reached a good place and feel so much more welcome in my room. I’m so excited for it! Now I can focus on other areas of the apartment, like the bathroom. I told my roomie room about my plans to organize the bathroom to the best of my abilities and he got very excited. It’s a mess in there! Then I can clean and get caught up on the chores my Sweepy app keeps harping on me to do.

Despite being very tired, I am satisfied and fulfilled. I am proud of the progress I have made and the big change for me. I’m a naturally messy person, both in my living environment and personal life. By structuring my days and tidying up my living spaces, I can ease some of the strain of everything being such a mess all the time.

And for the first time in a long time, I can feel good about what’s coming.

Bonus: I found a bunch of old pictures but didn’t go through them, due to not being in the best mental place. But I’m sure I’ll look at them soon.

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On Tidying My Life, Day 1, Continued

I wasn’t expecting this to be an emotional journey. Looking at it logically, why wouldn’t it be? Going through one’s belongings, trying to make a welcoming space, is inherently emotional. My emotions started me on this journey and will keep me on it.

I am striving to be more connected to my emotional state. I tend to stomp things down and avoid them. Emotions and feelings have historically been unstable and overwhelming for me. But I am becoming more and more cognizant that recognizing and feeling them is absolutely crucial to my well-being. To live a more fulfilled, joyful life, I must know myself and my emotions. I know myself well and am very self-aware, but I am woefully unequipped to handle my emotional core.

After today’s efforts, I am emotional. I find myself wanting to cry, to release. It’s been so hard. The last few years have been difficult for me, which caused me to build up such a mess. It’s hard to maintain tidiness when you’re under stress and coping with depression, BPD (which makes depression WORSE), and a myriad of other issues. I’ve lagged behind, I’ve let things pile up.

On this journey, I anticipate many emotional hurdles. God willing, I’ll find the strength and determination to overcome them. And I’m pleased to take you, dear reader, with me.

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On Tidying My Life, Day 1

I woke up this morning, had my tea and a muffin, meditated, and got dressed. The perfect start to a difficult day.

Then I tackled my room. First step: Clothes.

I didn’t make a GIANT pile like on Marie Kondo’s show, because I know myself well enough to know that I would get overwhelmed. So I made several large-ish piles, a couple shelves or drawers at a time. I didn’t even make a pile for my closet items. I kept what sparked joy, and thanked and donated what did not. Or what didn’t fit. 

I also tore down my strings of lights. Half of it was already hanging down from the cat’s antics and it was a terrible distraction. I haven’t decided if I will put them back up.

Then came the task of folding, which I am notoriously bad at. I followed Marie Kondo’s advice, meticulously folding each item as mindfully as I could. I was fearful that the items I didn’t hang up weren’t going to fit in my drawers. And if I followed my old folding method, they wouldn’t. But with her method of folding and stacking, they all fit! It was a Tuesday miracle!

I had to take a break to go to an appointment across town. Afterward, I dropped off my donations. Then I came home to have lunch and recharge before restarting.

Now it was time for socks and undies. I had two small-ish bins that my mom helped me get and planned to use those. I folded everything, and placed them, upright, in the bins. Then I placed those bins in the leftover space (!) in my drawers. The spares I kind of piled on top or around things. So even within my tidy stacking, there is some messy me poking through. Nevertheless, I was satisfied.

Next step: Dresser

I decided to focus on my top dresser drawer, which has functioned as a catch-all for junk I don’t know what to do with. I cleaned out the garbage, pulled out donatables, and kept some stuff inside. I gathered all pill bottles or miscellaneous medications and placed them in a separate container. I’d love to say I fit that container in the drawer, but it’s too tall. I was able to also clean off the top of my dresser, which has been a recurring nightmare of a task. I placed a lot of that miscellany in the now much more roomy drawer.

It’s remarkable the things you find when you’re cleaning. I found a bunch of necklaces I loved. I also found a hopeless tangle of necklaces that I just don’t have the patience to untangle, so it went in the trash. 20 years ago, I would have spent hours untangling it. People change. 

At this point, my dresser is complete. I feel released. I feel lighter. I feel more grounded. Tomorrow I will tackle my desk and the floor. So far, the energy hasn’t dissipated like it so often does. I feel determined.

I’m ready for a tidy life.

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New Blog

Hello.

I have created this blog to start fresh. My old blog is still active, but this is the one I’ll be using for the majority of my posting.

I set my intention with this blog to meet new friends and have positive discourse. I will be open and honest, I will allow myself to be truly myself here. I will post what sparks joy.

If you’re here, welcome.

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Marie Kondo: Organize the World: Design Your Life to Spark Joy | SXSW 2017

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Hace unos dias vi una serie de gifs de Marie Kondo explicando que a la hora de ordenar nuestra ropa debemos elegir la que nos produce felicidad, y para no sentirnos mal por la ropa que queremos botar, agradecer el tiempo que estuvo esa prenda estuvo con nosotros y dejarla ir..

Esto me llamo la atención y luego en Netflix descubri que habia una serie de ella, donde va a casas de personas y las ayuda a organizar. Me gusto su método y quise compartir algunos de sus consejos con ustedes. Quien sabe. Siempre se aprende algo 😉

Some users translated my words, because in the comments were asking for it, so here I shared one that I considered the most exactly. Thank you so much everybody! 🤗and specially @streptomycinn. If you wanna see more post about Marie Kondo and her Konmari method of tidying up please check my tumblr 😉🌷👩🏻‍💼

“A few days ago, I saw a series of gifs of Marie Kondo explaining that, when we’re organizing our clothes, we should choose those that spark joy, and in order to not feel bad about the clothes we have to throw away, we should thank the clothes for the time that they were with us and then let them go.

This caught my attention, and I found on Netflix that she had her own series, where she goes to people’s houses and helps them to organize. I like her method and I want to share some of her advice with you. Who knows. You can always learn something 😉