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Please someone prove me wrong.
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Bosh to Use Max Contract to Resurrect Family Home.
July 11, 2014.
Houston, Texas.
The deal is done. Chris Bosh is headed back to the lone-star state.
Just recently there was confirmation of the blockbuster deal that will send the ex-Miami Heat center to Houston, where he will join forces with the Beard...
and the Bitch...
The deal is reportedly for four years and is worth around 88 million dollars, making Bosh the highest paid dinosaur since Little Foot from The Land Before Time, who reportedly made nine figures (converted to today’s dollar amounts and adjusted for inflation since the movies were made in 1988), for his role in the hit films.
“I’m ecstatic, really excited to be a Rocket,” said Bosh in an exclusive interview. “I’ve been looking forward to the time when I would finally be able to return home and pay homage to my family.”
It was all but a done deal when LeBron James bolted for Cleveland. Leaping from the sinking ship that is the Miami Heat, and following James’ lead by returning to his respective birth state, Bosh has big plans for his old new home.
“I was born in Texas, so it always has a place in my heart of hearts,” pined Bosh. “I can’t wait to get to work rebuilding what was lost so many years ago.”
After some in-depth research I was able to find documentation of Bosh’s birth. It turns out that he was born at 50 S R L Thornton Freeway, Dallas, Texas, the current site of the Dallas Zoo. At the time of Bosh’s birth, the plot of land was largely uninhabited, only by Bosh’s family and friends.
After surviving the mass dinosaur extinction, Bosh used basketball as a coping mechanism. He would practice by himself every day and devoted himself to the sport as a way to deal with the loss of his family and friends. With his unnaturally long arms he was unlike any raptor the basketball world had ever seen, and immediately garnered interest from large division one schools, and subsequently the NBA.
“The theme park they built on my family’s land, and then the subsequent meteor attack – it was devastating,” said a teary-eyed Bosh, his arms perched by his sides. “I thought I was making amends by working hard and playing for the Raptors, but as the years passed I only felt more disconnected from my kind. It was time to go home.”
Bosh has come to an agreement with the Dallas Zoo to build a 5-acre memorial to his family as a vehicle for people to gain a better understanding of raptor culture and to attempt to shed some of the negative stereotypes swirling around his family.
"The portrayal of my brother and sister with the children int he kitchen was way overblown," screeched Bosh, becoming increasingly agitated, his yellow eyes seemingly piercing my soul. "I hope this project will allow me to tell their side of the story and hopefully absolve them of the horribly unfair image associated with our family name."
When I spoke with Rocket’s coach Kevin McHale about his blockbuster signing of a prehistoric creature, he derided me for being discriminatory and said that he "doesn’t care what species you are, as long as you’re mediocre at basketball.”
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Recently Hearing- Enabled Man Rescinds Auditory Gift on Account of Horribly Misguided Soccer Commentator.
July 11, 2014.
Charlottesville, Virginia.
Jeremey Swisher, a 31-year-old deaf man, has recently given back his new found gift of hearing because one of the first person he heard speak… was Alexi Lalas.
Jeremey has been deaf his entire life, and the cause of his deafness remains undetermined. There is no history in his family, and there were no complications during his birth. He has an older brother and sister, neither of which are deaf.
“It was tough on all of us when Jeremey was younger,” remarked his mother Ramona. “We all had to learn sign language and teach him how to communicate how he was feeling either through his hands or writing. We were so thankful when he was invited to play for the local soccer team.”
According to Jeremey’s parents, he was always a rabid soccer fan. From a young age they could tell that Jeremey was taken by the beautiful game, preferring to use his feet instead of his hands, and demonstratively flopping in apparent near-death agony each and every time he was touched. He developed into one of the top players in the city, possessing the unique ability to perform at his best in crowded stadiums, seemingly able to drown out the opposing fans.
“It was remarkable,” said a rival high-schooler. “He was always totally unphased.”
Upon graduating from high-school, Jeremy went on to be a soccer star for Gallaudet University, a federally chartered private university for the deaf and hard of hearing located in Washington, DC. During his four year career at Gallaudet, Jeremey set records for goals, assists, and games played – records that still stand to this day.
At the beginning of June, via a large anonymous donation from a wealthy Gallaudet alum, Jeremey underwent surgery for cochlear implants: electronic devices to stimulate his auditory nerve. The surgery would allow him to hear for the first time in his life, and just in time for the World Cup.
I was on-hand with Jeremey’s family when he came out of surgery. Teary-eyed, his mother approached him to say hello, and for the first time in his life he heard her voice. The excitement was palpable, and after experience the timbre of his family’s voices for the first time in 31 years, Jeremey switched on ESPN to watch the U.S. open their World Cup against Ghana.
“It was the shrillness that got to me. That, and the stupidity,” signed Jeremey. Granted, I don’t know sign language so I’m not entirely sure what he was saying. “I couldn’t stand to listen to Alexi Lalas for another minute and realized that hearing nothing was better than being subjected to the volcano of mindless, uneducated bullshit being emitted from the sloppy ginger.”
Again, my sign language is rusty, but he was pretty worked up.
Jeremey ordered doctors to remove his implants immediately and has since become one of the nation’s strongest and most vocal advocates, along with Ann Coulter, for the eradication of soccer in America, calling it “communist kickball”.
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You can stop pretending you like soccer now.
Happy 4th fellow 'Mericans!
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Guide to getting out of work to watch USA vs. Belgium - 100% guaranteed to work. Unless it doesn't.
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Sometimes you just trip and fall... and bite the shit out of a couple people on your way down. Happens to the best of us.
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USA vs. Portugal was the most watched soccer game in U.S. soccer history, and for good reason: the stark contrast between the two teams and the direction that their respective World Cup's are taking made for must-see TV.
The under-appreciated and semi-discombobulated Americans had the chance to advance to the knock-out round with a win over one of the most overrated teams European soccer has seen. The steel, grit, and toughness of the red, white, and blue was primed to eliminate the world's best and most swoon-inducing player, leaving the pundits to guess as to whether it was U.S. ingenuity or the sheer weight of his ego that slowed him down.
As 18.2 million people tuned in, it was game on.
Kickoff.
5 minutes in.
jesus, Geoff Cameron...
Do my eyes deceive me? Jermaine Jones!?
and then
Demsey in the 81st!
Done and dusted.
I mean... how much damage can Ronaldo do with 5 seconds left?
Oh...
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Kickoff.
34 seconds in.
Most of the game.
Ghana scores.
John Brooks to the rescue!
Full time.
In your face Ghana.
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May 15, 2014
The end of his sentence
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