remy3136

[remy3136]

“I FIND MYSELF”

I find myself staying up waiting for a reply even tho she replies fast I stay up just to make sure she doesn’t need anything before she goes to sleep or she wakes up and needs something or she can’t sleep

I find myself staying up talking to her when I’m really sleepy cuz “what’s a few hours gone of sleep if it’s spent with her?” I tell myself

I find myself thinking of her even when my mind is full but she always finds a way into my head and I can’t get her out I think of her in domestic environments like me coming home to her or her coming home to me or even just cuddling I think of what she’s doing right that second and if she’s thinking of me I think “does she even like me or is she just playing with me?”

I find myself kicking my feet thinking of her and I feel my heart well up like a balloon about to pop she has all my heart and doesn’t even know it

I find myself dropping anything the second she responds and thinking “i would literally do anything for this girl?” Is that bad?

I find myself questioning everything when it comes to her and it’s not big things just things like “does she like me” “does she love me” “is it too early to say i love you” “would i scare her by saying that?” “Does she actually think I’m beautiful?” “Is this love reciprocating or am i just destined to fail” i don’t know why she has this effect on me but it has me stumped and questioning “does she act the same or is it just me?” “Do i have the same effect on her?”

I find myself daydreaming about the future and in all of them she’s there right next to me i daydream about kissing her “are her lips soft? How do you even kiss?” I dream about waking up next to her “would she be grossed out by bad breath or messy hair? Or would she find it cute?”

I find myself thinking “this has to be love because what else could make my heart skip beats my sleep skip hours and my mind skip a mile a minute of thoughts I’ve never had, if this isn’t love what is it?”

I find myself in a tangled mess in my mind and heart and i don’t even think i care as long as it’s her i can map out that mess and it’s a beautiful maze but deep down I’m thinking “is this love or lust? Is this love or desire? Is this love or loneliness? Is this love or just platonic” that mess i can’t untangle just yet but soon i will, soon I find myself

I found myself looking at her story something about someone owning her heart for the past couple months but when I asked her how long we’ve been talking she says “idk a week? 2 weeks? Why?” And my heart breaks slightly and I respond “just curious ☺️” when she just gave me the answer of all my questions, all my overthinking and to all them my answer was “no she doesn’t feel the same”

I lost myself that day a small piece of me I’ve given to her I didn’t get back I don’t think I’ll ever get it back till I get a definitive answer not a “detective Remy” answer but the worst part is I don’t think I want that piece back I feel like it’s not mine anymore

I lost myself in my head of thoughts I had the answer too all them but I still kept thinking and thinking and it felt the longer I thought the more I lost myself and the deeper I fell ,not in love anymore; just in a dark cave where I was too short and dark to escape

I lost myself, but I found myself too I lost a piece of me I didn’t need anymore but I found a piece I did and I thank her for the lesson just wish I didn’t learn it from her but someone else