reminaofthedust

[reminaofthedust]

One more time before I go

Rating: E (nsfw)

Word count: 800+

Warnings: SMUT. Minors Do Not Interact.

Tags: mutual masturbation, slight jealousy, friends with benefits situation.

a/n: just a short smut.

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He pushed you back first into his bed.

Sweat beading his forehead, he pumped his cock with newfound vigour, this new angle giving him full view of your spread-out cunt.

"Fuck—" he gave out a choked grunt as he watched you run your fingers between your slick folds. His knees hit the edge of the bed, watching you closely as you moved farther back into the mattress to give him an even better view. He groaned watching you adjust your hips to spread yourself eagle in front of him. 

His hooded eyes fell to your face, scrunched up in ecstasy. He could watch your expressions all day long, but he didn't have much time. Both of you had patrol today, you in the evening and him right now; not much time in between, but he wanted to put his hands on you anyways. A quickie would have to do. You both knew if you let him take you the way you both wanted, he would both be extremely late. So you settled on this.

"Shit... god- you're—" He was out of breath, caving his hands tighter around himself as he watched you pleasure yourself with rapt attention, eyes fixed on your finger sliding slowly in. 

The sound was so sinful; the wet sounds of your hand working yourself up mixed with both of your moans. He was fighting his eyes from rolling back, wanting to not look away from where your finger entered your tight hole. He wanted to push that hand back, slot himself between your thighs, and feel your eager pussy welcome him in. 

"Can you... fuck... can you get o-one more in?" He watched unblinking, pupils blown out to take it all in as you inserted one more finger and picked up your pace. You looked so beautiful. All for him. Just for him.

He climbed one knee up on the bed, using it to spread your legs further. He felt his balls tightening as your moans got louder, the squelching sound rapid, his bedsheet pooling beneath you with your spent. God, he wanted to come inside you. Push your hand away and show you how only he can fuck you the way you like and get you there as many times as your body allows. But he had to be patient; he didn't want to scare you away by being too demanding. This was new. Whatever this arrangement between the two of you was. A stress relief, he had initially thought. 

Until he saw you laughing way too hard at a joke some idiot made. He felt his heart clench with an unfamiliar emotion. And anger, and it found a way to leave his system that night as he put you through the mattress, both of your clothes still on, too impatient to lay claim on you again. You liked it a lot, apparently, you teased him about his passionate outburst the next day.

That's why he didn't feel comfortable leaving you out and about without having had you at least once. Mark you up with his cum. If nothing else, it would calm that unfamiliar beast inside him that wanted to tear any man 2 feet from you, limb to limb. Of course, you didn't have to know all that; just enjoy him.

He felt himself close; climbing both knees up now, he took his rightful spot between your thighs. Still towering over you, he motioned for you to sit up on your elbows. 

"Tits," was all he said, and you obediently lifted your breasts up at him, squeezing them closer. When you looked up at him, all innocent, he lost it. Giving himself a last few more pumps, he came. His thick ropes of load coat your chest and your neck. You watched them run down your belly with fascination.

When he finally found himself calm down, he tucked himself back in. "I'll get you a rag."

"No need." You flopped down on your back again, your tits bouncing deliciously with you. He found his eyes fixed on them again. White coating your nipples, he wanted nothing more than to put his mouth on them. But he had his duty, and so did you; his more urgent right now than yours.

"I gotta go," he said despite himself. 

"Can I crash here for a few hours? I need to take a bath first."

"Sure, whatever you want." He said too quickly. You could take his damn house for all he cared. 

You smiled at him from his bed, with his cum all over you. "Don't get yourself in too much trouble." You yawned as you stretched yourself on his bed like a satisfied cat, "Got a few more things I want to try."

He smirked, picking up his bag and coat. "I'll see ya tonight." The sentence is no longer a question but a statement of what was to come later. He will see you again and again and again until you grow sick of him.

[reminaofthedust]

We meet again. (p4)

Jackson!Joel x Reader

Rating: sfw

word count: 3.8k+

Summary: Jackson softened his edges and he knew it.

pt.1/ p1.2/ pt.3/ pt.4(end)

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Joel Miller walks the long way home. The one he's sure he'll see you in. This he can admit to himself. Almost a year here, he knows you'll be at the poultry. And you are.

Your face brightens when you see him, hands waving enthusiastically over your head. You yell, "Mornin' Joel!" He offers a small wave. 

For the first time in a long time, Joel feels at peace. When he first arrived here in Jackson, he was sceptical. Slept with a gun near his head, didn't let Ellie out of his sight for long. Now she decided she wanted to move out, a big girl now. He missed her a lot and tried to take time out to sit and talk to her always, even though he couldn't contribute to the conversation much. She teased him for being so overprotective, but he couldn't help it; it was in his nature to worry. 

In such a short time he felt himself slipping into ease; a full stomach and warm bed will do that to a man. Although he was still kind of bad with people. He tried his best, still, it felt as though something about him immediately made people want to stay a few feet away. He wasn't the best at talking either, which didn't help his case. Even the people he worked with on the daily thought twice before striking up a conversation with him. 

"It's that scowl you have on your face." You had told him once.

"No idea what you're talkin' about," he said, taking a swig of his beer, aware that he was scowling right now.

You tapped the area between your brows. "Right here," you scrunched your face, mirroring him. "You do this all the time, even when you deliver good news."

He wondered why you even wanted to be around him in the first place. You went out of your way to welcome him here, dropping by when he and Ellie lived together. After Ellie left the house, he assumed you would frequent him less, but you knocked on his door, same time, same day, your day off, and spent it with him, talking over fire. He didn't mind your company. You would talk about your life in Boston, asking him all sorts of questions; sometimes, a few drinks in, he even indulged you. Told you about the good, the bad, and the ugly. You listened with rapt attention as if listening to a bedtime story.

One time he found you digging in his front porch, planting something.

"what the—" He'd walk out of the door, ready to yell at you.

You would look up, face dirty, "Leftover sapling, you'd like 'em, blooms in the morning."

And he did. Weeks later, when he walked back home from patrol and noticed the flower welcoming him back.

You would sometimes join him hunting. He learnt quickly that you were good with makeshift bows and arrows. That's what you did; you had told him, even back in the QZ. He learnt to relax a little knowing you were capable of looking after yourself. You promised to teach Ellie too, and he offered to join.

He had been off-putting to you the first few months of being here; he knew he scared you, and a sick part of him enjoyed watching you squirm under his gaze. Now you would just call him out for his behaviour, making him confront that part of him that he built as a self-defense years of living in this new world. 

But Joel came with a heavy burden to bear; he felt that he had lived too long. Seen too much. And he surely didn't deserve this kindness bestowed on him—a safe place, a bed to lie on, a shoulder to rely on. But he was grateful, and so he held on to his blessings tight. That's why he didn't push you away either; the selfish part of him didn't want to deny himself your kindness.

Tommy sat down with him once. "So," he grinned. 

"So?" He raised his eyebrows; he didn't like his brother's cheeky smile. 

"You and her huh—?" He motioned at you, working the bar with his head. 

Joel frowned. "ain't nothin' like that." 

"C'mon! Even Maria can tell." He nudged at him, "So? She come to your house often?"

Joel put down his drink abruptly and glared at his brother. He didn't like what he was insinuating. He didn't like you being talked about that way.

"Alright, alright," he said, raising his hand in the air. "Just teasin' ya old man."

Did he think about you? Yes. It felt strange to him, making him feel like a teenage boy when he brushed his teeth in the morning, and the first thought that struck his mind was how cold you would be since it had started snowing. He would chop up some wood for you, was his next immediate thought. 

He would drop by the bar on the days you worked, drinking, sometimes alone, sometimes with Tommy and Maria. Sometimes Ellie dropped by with her friend. He would watch you from tables across as you talked to the people around you, getting them drinks and food. You would smile sometimes when you caught his gaze. Embarrassed, he would try not to look at you again but fail. You glowed to him. 

What was stranger still was that sometimes it felt as though you did the same. Your gaze falling on him when you thought he was unaware. But he felt it all the same. 

-

You sat on the floor of your small living space, hands hugging your folded knees. You gazed at the fire crackling in front of you. 

Joel had so thoughtfully left it in your yard a few weeks ago. It was so sweet, but you couldn't make yourself appreciate the gesture even if you tried. It was so him to do that—leave it at your doorstep without a word, without waiting for you to express your gratitude, without waiting for you to say anything. It was like all he knew—to give and give and give. It wouldn't have mattered to you much except maybe guilt if it was anyone else but with Joel? You wanted him to know. You wanted him to know that you liked being looked out for by him.

Yes, you liked him. Not in a good samaritan/neighborly way; you liked him as in you wanted to be around him always. You wanted to hold his hand, reach out and touch his face, and kiss him. 

Somedays it felt as though that was also what he wanted—the way he would go out of his way to do things for you, the way he would look at you. It was like looking into the mirror. You would walk back to your house at night and smile at the thought of him, giggling like a schoolgirl as you got yourself ready for bed. 

But then morning would come, and you would be back to square one, him— monosyllabic, you— hovering around him like a bee to a flower. It used to hurt you before, but you tried to get over it, tried. 

He made sure he never left your mind; a gentle touch on the shoulder as he walked by you at the square, a smile from the table across the bar, a lingering look from across would pull you back to him like moth to a flame, unable to deny its nature. 

You hovered around him. Samuel teased you for it, already aware of your crush on him.

"Can't believe it, out of all the people here... Joel Miller?"

"Will you hush?" You looked around frantically, no sign of Ellie or Joel.

"I thought you were scared of him," he pushed on.

"Can you not make this a big deal?" you relaxed once realising no one was within earshot. "It just happened, okay?"

"Does he know?" Million-dollar question.

Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Whatever the answer was, it pissed you off regardless. If he did and he was leading you on, it felt mean, so unlike him.

If he didn't. Well, then for a man who was the designated 'leave it to me' guy, he was very stupid.

Although you didn't say it out explicitly, it felt like people close to you already knew. Even Maria. Who, although still wary of him, didn't feel it was too crazy of news. "I kind of knew, I mean, you two look at each other like one of you is gonna get swallowed by the earth any second."

You had decided weeks ago that pursuing something more with Joel was not in your cards. He cared for you, sure, but not in the way you did. Maybe he thought of you as someone to take care of. You wished you hadn't met him before; maybe that's why he felt the need to look out for you the way he did. But distancing yourself from Joel seemed impossible in the small town of Jackson. You seemed to run into him every day. He was polite, but you? You were burning inside. He would be out and about, carrying his toolbox, shirt folded up, hair slicked back, sweat glistening on his neck, and all you could think about was how handsome he looked. Your only hope now was to smile, keep up a front, and pray the feelings away. How can you be rude to someone who restocks your firewood?

Joel sat in his usual spot at Tipsy Bison where he could nurse his drink uninterrupted when you entered the bar. He wondered why you were here on your day off when you sat down and ordered a drink. He imagined for a moment if you would look around, spot him and join him. Or he would join you. 

Suddenly he sees you turn your head sharply as if someone called for you. And someone did. Across from the counter stood a guy, Joel had seen him once or twice in patrol. Ray. He walked over to you, leaning across the drink bar with a smug look on his face. He leaned down and whispered something in your ear.

Joel had seen this play out before. You were a pretty girl; no doubt many guys tried to ask you out before and did. You would gently turn them down, excusing yourself with a reminder of work or something else. Joel never liked those guys anyway, but he never had to worry about you going home with any of them. Not until now. 

You smiled shyly, and you straightened your back, your entire attention on the guy in front of you. He sat down beside you, and your body seemed to lean into him as you listened carefully to every word that came out of that idiot's mouth.

The drink tasted bitter in his mouth as he watched you two. His head swirling with a million questions. What the hell was happening? Did you suddenly find that imbecile something worth wasting your time on? 

He put down his drink with a thump. No, he didn't like what he was unfolding before his eyes; what would unfold if he didn't do anything about it now. He marched up to where you sat. With a loud creak, he slid into the stool next to you, making his presence known.

Your body quickly followed your head as you turned to realise who had taken the empty seat. 

"Joel," Your face was flushed, he would have appreciated it more if the thought of what made your cheeks that way made him angry all over. "Hey, I was just getting a drink myself." You smile, ever so politely. He could not even return you the courtesy as his eyes remained fixed on the guy next to you. 

"Joel." The guy nodded and considered it the end of his part of the interaction as he opened his mouth to get your attention again, but your body had now turned fully to him. He smirked at the guy as his words fell from his lips unnoticed.

"Your table looks lonely." You looked over his shoulder at the corner which he usually occupies. 

"Felt like a change." He said, eyes back on you as he adjusted himself on the seat. He hated barstools.

After a few seconds of silence, you spoke again, clearly a little uncomfortable with the two guys next to you staring at each other.

"You know Ray, Joel, I had a shift with him this morning and let me tell you, it was horrible." you joked. But his eyes snapped to you regardless, eyebrows scrunched. Anybody else would think he was angry but you knew that's the face he made when he was worried. You waved your hands dismissively. "I meant horrible as in—"

"She slipped on the stirrup," Ray joined in, smiling at you. "Fell back first into the stream." 

You laughed along, ears turning red again but Joel did not seem to find that funny.

He looked at the other guy straight in the eye, "So what did you do? just stood there and laughed?"

Now it was Ray's turn to be flustered. "Wha— of course not, I mean, I helped of course—" He waited for Joel to nod or say something to dismiss it but when nothing came from him, you quickly jumped in, confused as to what even was happening. 

"No I was fine, it was just funny how I fell, thas all." You laughed, and Ray quickly joined you. 

"You should always check your stirrup as well as your saddle before leavin'." Joel said seriously.

Ray nudged you with his elbow, "That's what I said to her. She's so forgetful, I knew Maria would be on my ass. Lucky for me, she doesn't complain much otherwise I was considering bribing her, got her stuck with me for the whole week." You chuckled shaking your head.

"Then maybe you should've checked it for her instead of sittin' here and flirtin'." Joel said, his cold gaze cutting through the other guy's laugh. 

"Joel!" you exclaimed still unsure what the hell he was doing. "He wasn't—"

"Maybe I will next time," Ray said suddenly, his friendly facade dropping. "and about the flirting, yeah, so what if I was? she didn't seem to mind when I—" 

Joel stood up suddenly, hands clenched beside him, daring him to say the next words.

"ENOUGH!" you banged your hand on the counter as you also stood up making the people around you look at you curiously. "Joel, come with me." You didn't wait for his answer as you grabbed his hand and pulled him outside.

-

"What the hell are you doing? Are you drunk?" You yelled once you two were outside in a corner out of earshot, exasperated. 

"No." 

"Then what was that?"

He stared at you, his gaze unreadable again. You groaned, grabbing a bulk of your hair. 

"He was comin' on to you." he said quietly.

Your head snapped back to him "So?" you blinked a few times, "What? That makes it alright for you to speak to him that way?"

"He clearly wants to sleep with you, and trust me, heard of him enough to know that's all he wants." Now he was the one sounding frustrated, he had to make you see what mistake you were making.

"So what?"

He became still for a moment, his stoic expression cracking a bit. "You wanted him?" his voice dropped as he stepped closer to you.

You sighed, turning away from his gaze. Suddenly he grabbed your chin. "Look at me," he said, his tone icy, but his eyes burned. "Did you want him to take you to bed?"

"This is what I hate about you Joel," you looked like you were about to cry. "This exact thing you do." You pushed his hands away. "You act like you care about me just to get my hopes up, then you leave me in the dust."

"Who said I don't care about you?" he hissed.

You scoffed. Was he seriously mad at you? "Oh you do? alright, I want to get laid tonight. I'm going inside and maybe I will take up Ray on that offer you kindly relayed to me." Maybe it was the drunken confidence you suddenly possessed or the way your body felt the heat from Joel's gaze, but you stormed inside, determined. You made it a few steps to the entrance when you felt a hand pull at you harshly. You gasped loudly as Joel grabbed the meat of your arm, dragging you away. 

"I act like I care?" He barked out, looking straight ahead as he dragged you forward. He pushed you at the now empty barn, closing the door with a bang behind him. "I ain't the one smilin' sweetly, followin' me around everywhere. Every damn place I look there's you—" He pushed your back to the wall edges, cornering you. Your breath grew shallow and fast, your gaze dropping to his lips, then to his eyes with quickness. He noticed that and chuckled. "And I surely ain't the one wanting to get fucked by some worthless piece of shit I don't even know."

"I know him—"

He grabbed your chin quickly and tsked. "Always focused on the wrong part. Been like this always, hmm? Even back in Boston." You gasped slightly at the mention of your shared city. He stared at your parted lips, something akin to want clear in his eyes. He smirked, watching your eyes doing the same. "You like me like this don't you." he leaned in closer, "always askin' me about the good ol' days."  He tilted his head observing your reactions now. "Always wantin' to know how I hurt all those people."

The little dignity you had left in you tried to shake its head weakly. He clicked his tongue in disapproval. "Quit lyin'" He pulled his head back slightly and your body reacted faster in following him. 

"I know you. I know you better than any imbecile who hopes to take you to bed every night." He said darkly, his voice dropping low. "I know you better than that idiot at the bar, waiting there right now, hoping you walk into the bar again and join him." He sounds more like he's trying to convince himself, but you know it's true. Joel knows you, he knows you want him. And so do you, his eyes would betray anything he would say otherwise broken off of this jealous haze. You did not want to let him go now.

His hands slide up your arm, huge arms covering the curve of your neck as he thumbs your lower lip. You realise he's waiting for your consent. Consent to continue on whatever this was, consent for what he wanted to do to you. Your hand quickly reached for the nape of his neck, sliding up curling around his hair as you pulled him closer. Joel jumped at the assent, he eagerly let himself be pulled, his lips engulfing yours. His tongue didn't need much proding as you let him in with fervor.

You felt your whole body warm up to his touch, reciprocating everything he gave you with the same passion. You felt giddy with happiness, of finally having Joel in your arms so much so that you whined pathetically when he pulled away.

"I want you." He whispered across your lip as you followed it pitifully, eyes begging for him to close the distance. He smiled softly, his hands letting go of your hair. "But not like this, not when you're drunk."

"Joel I'm not drunk," you tried again to reach out to him, pull him closer, but he shook his head. The man had made up his mind and you knew how stubborn Joel was. You frowned, but he gently took your hand and kissed them. It was only when he whispered into them a gentle "not now, not here," that you calmed down, a promise of this not turning out like other times. You seeked his eyes and they were sincere and you felt yourself relaxing into him, only now realising that you were shaking, a familiar drunken chill passing through you.

"Can I walk you home?" He whispered into your hair. 

"You would anyways." You sighed into his chest.

He chuckled, "You know me too well." 

-

He stood there patiently as you fumbled with getting your key in. You managed to open the door and suddenly all you wanted to do was fall into the warmth of your bed. But you didn't want to pass this opportunity; you turned around and did your best seductive voice. 

"You sure you don't wanna come in? It's cold out here."

He shook his head smiling. "Goodnight, sweetheart." You watched as he walked down the little porch step. But before you could close the door, he paused midway, turning around, he walked up to you again and pressed a gentle kiss on your lips. "I'll see you tomorrow." He said reassuringly. You nodded and wondered if sleep would even come to you tonight.

-

You slept pretty well, a smile plastered on your face as you did your morning routine. You decided you would drop by Joel's today. Maybe beg Samuel for some flowers from his greenhouse. Oh, and tell everything Sam about yesterday. 

Or maybe you could invite Joel here? 

A soft knock on the door breaks your thought. Ray was here, thank god, you wanted to apologize to him for earlier. Less awkward for both of you on your journey ahead. 

To your surprise, the man who stood before you was not your unfortunate partner but the man you were just thinking about.

"Joel."

He nodded, "Mornin'" 

You looked around, "where's Ray?"

"I shifted us around. You're with me."

You blinked at him, confused. "You can do that?" 

"Had to ask my little brother a favor." He said, a small smile tugging at his face at your face visibly brightening up. You looked away now, suddenly shy.

"Hmm... I did want to apologize to him." you mumbled, as the both of you made your way to the stables. 

"No need for that. you did nothin' to go apologizin' for. Especially to him."

You smiled playfully, "You still hung up on yesterday?"

"No." You rolled your eyes at his answer. "Then maybe I should go apologize to him right now." You lengthened your strides but squealed when Joel grabbed your jacket with quickness, pulling you to him.

"Where do you think you're going?" He smiled as you pretended to be offended by him. He turned you around in his arms and leaned in carefully, giving you time to pull away but you quickly closed the distance before he could change his mind. None of you deepened the kiss, both aware you two had a tiringly long patrol ahead of you. "Wanna grab a drink later?"

"I have half a mind to tell you no." You huffed, remembering all those times he turned you down.

He kissed your cheeks. "How about I make it up to you tonight then?"

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a/n: fought the urge to include smut :p maybe some other day in some other fic. I will stick to writing one-shots omg the urge to extend and extend and extend is so strong.

Thank you for reading <33

[reminaofthedust]

We meet again. (p3)

Joel Miller x Reader

Rating: sfw

word count: 2.7k+

Summary: You meet Joel for the first time in Boston under unfortunate circumstances. And then you meet him again 6 years later in the last place you wanted him to be.

A new start for you and Joel.

pt.1/ p1.2/ pt.3/ pt.4 (soon)

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The line ahead at the grocery store was long. The grains didn't come on time, so you shared the line with those who previously missed. It didn't matter to you; you had endless patience. Not really, but you had time today. They shifted your patrol routine, so for a week or so you had been waking up at your own leisure. You even whistled an old tune you heard somewhere as you played with the rock between your feet.

You heard your name being called from somewhere behind you, you smiled seeing the approaching figure of Ellie.

"What's that?" she asked, hearing you continue whistling your song. 

"Dunno. Stuck in my head," you shrugged. "Probably an old tune."

"Take on me," a voice added, joining the conversation. It was Tommy, and he brought his brother along. "The song. I forgot the lyrics though," he smiled, looking at a confused Ellie. She smiled back, shooting Joel a teasing look. 

"He would know; he's old as hell," she giggled. Joel crossed his arms across his chest and gave a disapproving hmph, although the corner of his lips curved a little. You looked between the two of them. You had underestimated how close they were. It felt strange seeing Joel in this light. You tried to slide back out of the conversation, but Ellie spoke up. 

"Can I join the patrol with her then?" she said, pleading. It felt like a conversation that had already happened before between them. You looked between the three of them, trying to figure out what was going on. 

"Ellie, I told you, you're too young for that. In a couple of years maybe-"

"But I know my way around! I already—" she paused, glancing quickly at Joel, who did not miss her slip. He shook his head slowly and Ellie stopped complaining.

Working out the situation you added, "I'm telling you it's no fun. Ruins your sleep. Miles and miles of the same view, it gets boring after a few months."

Ellie huffed but didn't add anything else. You felt Joel's eyes on you and a familiar itch behind your ears. You glanced at him but he just stared on.

"Hey so speaking of boring patrols," Tommy cut in, to your relief. "I have fixed yours; you're in the rotation again champ." he patted down your back good naturedly "Get ready for fucked up sleeping schedules again." 

You groaned, slumping your shoulders. “Knew it won't last forever." You could imagine the mornings again. And suddenly Joel's gaze seemed less heavy than the problems ahead.

"Oh yeah and I've shifted your runs together. He needs someone to run him down on what to do. Bout time he makes himself useful." Tommy joked, hooking a hand on his brother's shoulder. 

You would've found this display of brotherhood cute if it hadn't been that you were rendered speechless. You blinked a few times looking at them both. 

"...I know you don't need a guide... yeah, we get it You're a lone wolf... joking, joking... tomorrow...riverside..." conversation registering you in pieces, you felt yourself sweat again, your hand going behind your ear to itch that spot. You broke out of the spell when Maria called for the younger brother. "I'll be right back," he said, as he left the two of you standing alone in the line for grains. 

Joel cleared his throat, his eyes looking at one spot in your face, you self-consciously ran a hand across your chin. 

"I can ask Tommy to change my shift if you want." You said, remembering only now that he did ask you to stay away from him.

"Uh, no, it's fine." He added quickly, "Need to do my part too."

You nodded, unsure what else to say. A few moments pass and it becomes uncomfortably quiet without Tommy or Ellie to chime in.

"My line—" 

"Ration—" 

Both of you begin at the same time. You laugh nervously at the coincidence. Joel points his thumb over his shoulder, "My line is at the back." 

You nod and point vaguely to the line at front. "Alright." is all you manage to say as he leaves and you stand quietly in line, the rock you were playing with gone.

｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ｡ﾟ

You think about the next morning throughout your day. Your friend at the farm asks you what's wrong, "You're all fidgety today. Everything okay?"

"No, I'm fine, thanks Portia." 

You tap your feet unconsciously while Samuel talks to you at the bar.

"Stop it." He says, pausing his rant.

You look at him absentmindedly, "Hmm? oh okay." You pause, but soon you're tapping them again. 

He bangs on the table softly with his knuckles. "You're still thinking about tomorrow?"

You huff out admitting "Yes."

"What's the deal with you and him anyways? Yeah, he's a criminal, and so are half the people here."

"It's not that. It's just—that's Joel Miller. Remember, we were so scared of him."

"Pff... you maybe, not me," he scoffed.

You raise your eyebrow, smirking. "Oh yeah? We won't tell anyone what we saw here! We just wanna go back home~" You mimicked his pleas from 6 years ago although exaggerating it a little.

Sam rolled his eyes, smiling. "Yeah, yeah, make fun of me all you want, but it was cause of me we even made it out of that mess; you freeze all the time."

You grabbed your heart dramatically "Oh, what will I ever do without you? Prince Samuel!" You proclaimed out loud, the beer getting to your system.

You two laughed some more, remembering old times. Soon, you two decided to end the night; you didn't want to show up to patrol shitfaced. Especially in front of Joel.

You walked up to your house just as you saw someone come down the foyer. 

Joel's mouth opens slightly, registering his surprise, "Thought no one was home." he shook the container you gave him in his hands, looking good as new.

You nodded in acknowledgement but the movement caused you pain between your brows. 

"Thanks." You walked on ahead to the door, without taking the container. He looked back at you confused. "Come on in." you held the door wide open after struggling to unlock it for some time, the booze making you a bit woozier than you assumed.

He looked around unsure.

"Wanna see my house? Fully furnished." You tried to give a joking smile, but you could feel it getting lopsided. You hoped he couldn't tell you were a little drunk.

You could hear him step in, floorboards creaking under his weight as you removed your boots as well. 

By furnished you really meant the old carpet and few scraps of things you had picked up along the way or on your patrol to make your house more personal. Otherwise, all of the houses here looked exactly the same.

You sat down on the stool by the kitchen counter and motioned for him to join you. He didn’t, but took a few steps towards you. Standing, he placed the ceramic on the table and you smiled. 

"Did you like it?"

"What?"

"Oh right— I forgot, you didn't eat em" Your face fell but you waved a hand in front of your face. "I didn't make it anyways so it's fine." You didn't realise he didn't say anything.

You tapped the countertop with your fingers, looking up at him. He looked... normal. Didn't look scary, didn't look mean like you made it up in your head all your life, just an old guy. A handsome old guy, your brain kindly added. You looked at the permanent frown lines between his brows, his long long sexy nose, his moustache peppered with white hair, snow kissed. You chuckled when the word popped in your head. His eyes did his own scanning. You felt hot suddenly. Tingles up your spine at being observed by him. You drew in deeper breaths, drawing his eyes to your lips. How nice he looked today, shirt rolled up to his elbows.

"You know—"

"You're drunk." He said, matter of factly.

"No 'm not" you chuckled.

"I can smell it in your breath. And I saw you at the bar."

You covered your mouth instantly.

He sighed, hands on his hips. He was hot, you realised. “Get some sleep, we leave early tomorrow."

His sternness sobered you up quick. "Yes," you nodded too fast. Suddenly you felt the world was spinning; you grabbed the counter for support as Joel rushed to your side. 

"How many did you have?"

"Huh?"

"Beer."

"I don't know. How will I know?"

He gave a disapproving sigh and slung your arm over his shoulder as he guided your slouching figure to your room.

｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ｡ﾟ

You were making yourself a fresh pot of coffee when someone knocked at your door. You sort of guessed who it was. 

"Hey," You greeted the man standing outside your door. Joel with his floppy curls, jacket zipped to the top. He raised an eyebrow looking at you.

"You alright?"

"Ahh yes, after you left, I woke up and vomited the worst of it." You scolded yourself internally for giving out too many unnecessary details. But he didn't seem to mind; he just nodded. He looked like he wanted to say something more, but he didn't. Readjusting the rifle strap on his shoulder, he made a motion to head out. You nodded locking the door behind you.

It was cold today, both of you with your hands tucked in your jacket pocket walked side by side to the stable. You thought of bringing up your atrocious behaviour yesterday and apologizing for it. For a minute there yesterday, it felt like you had verbalized all your inappropriate observations out loud but you weren't so far gone out to do that. And you didn't think you had it in you to say it out to Joel Miller of all people. Strangely enough, yesterday night did ease your anxiety at heading out for patrol with him. Like demystifying the creature under your bed by finding him attractive. The analogy made you smile, maybe you were still not all right in the head yet.

-

Past few months there had been no reports of any sightings. That made your job now relatively easier as you only had to check the sewage pipelines on the outskirts. You told Joel about the mechanics of how everything worked and he seemed more interested in that than whatever else you were spewing before just to fill the silence. Unlike you, Joel seemed unbothered by the quiet while it made you fidgety.

"So how are you liking Jackson?" you said after you two had gone quiet for an uncomfortably long period. He turned his head halfway as if to say something but didn't. It was a minute after which he said, "peaceful." You nodded along. That was true, first thing you thought of when you set foot in this town. No FEDRA trucks pulling in an out, no constant radio transmissions, no sudden house checks. If you could even afford one.

He looked at you, his face in a perpetual scowl, you realised long ago that's just how he normally prefers to look. "You coping here alright?"

You tried not to let surprise show, he was asking you how you were doing. "Yeah," you squeaked out. Clearing your throat, you attempted again, "it's great. Nothing can beat a hot shower." He agreed too.

-

The rest of the patrol went by talking about life here in Jackson. Well, it was just you who talked mostly but he would sometime chime in, asking questions about infrastructure here and there. You wondered what him and his brother even talked about since he was so interested in knowing if your pipes back home worked well. You learned that he and his brother used to work in construction in the old world, you picked up bits and pieces between conversation and also the fact that Tommy was good in fixing around houses.

Soon it was time to head back. You felt like you learnt nothing about the man except his exceptional construction knowledge.

He and his horse walked ahead of you, the hooves making a crunching sound you liked. You willed your horse faster, right next to his. 

He looked at you, a little startled, like you had broken his chain of thoughts. You smiled before turning back to the road. Joel cleared his throat before doing the same.

-

You had been thinking of something, something since you realised Joel was here and he, like you, didn't plan on leaving. You thought it over and over and yesterday came to a decisive conclusion.

So as the two of you unmounted your horses on the stable you turned to him, hands on your hips, mimicking his confidence when you felt anything but.

He saw it too, as he narrowed his eyes at you, closing the half door behind him.

"Somethin' on your mind?"

"Yeah, yes." you looked down at your dirty boots, fiddling with a pebble under your foot. When you looked back up at him, your eyes had a determined glint in them. "Would you like to, maybe..." you shrugged, puckered your lower lip, feigning nonchalance, "y'know, get drinks sometimes. You like to drink, me too so I thought y'know... why not? Old times sake."

Joel was quiet for a moment, his gaze on you intense again. He folded his arms across his chest. 

"No."

You felt your ears heating up.

What were you thinking? Of course, Joel Miller would not like to spend time with you. You were still the same brat he had to pull back by your collars. God knows what expression you had on your face but Joel just stared at you, like he was enjoying watching you squirm. 

He added then slowly, taking his time. "I have work, shift at the greenhouse." A small smile crept up on his face you would have appreciated if you weren't absolutely frozen in your spot. A nod was all you managed, wanting the earth to swallow you whole right at this moment.

Now it was his turn to turn awkward, he scratched his nose, looking away from you. "Thought you could help me with that as well, 'preciate what you did back there. The pipes. well, Tommy did a worse job explainin'"

You blinked a few times as the words registered. Right, you thought, today was Thursday. You smiled so wide you thought you pulled a muscle. 

"Of course, of course. Anything, no worries." 

He didn't want to get drinks with you, he was never a man who liked wasting time having fun, of course. You could appreciate that. He wanted to help around. He wanted to help you. Suddenly him turning you down didn't feel too bad. You watched the man turn and leave, rejuvenated, you also went back to your work.

｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ｡ﾟ

"The stream is up ahead but this side is reserved for the mill. Crushing grains, watering, all the good stuff." You explained to Joel who nodded, following you along. "We have a separate reservoir for the green house." His gaze never left you, as if he would forget whatever you said the moment you shut your mouth. It made you nervous but at the same time you felt something... you couldn't explain it even to yourself, excited? 

"Sam is working the field along with others now otherwise he's mostly in charge of this place. We also probably have to move out the next time but for now I thought I'll show you around." It had been a month since Joel arrived here but it was his first time setting foot in here. Always volunteering for work outside.

"He did good." He observed the potted plants in front of him and you observed him from where he stood. He looked out of place like a bull in a China shop. But he was surprisingly gentle. Even as he worked with the delicate stems, careful not to bend them turn them too much. You two worked silently next to each other. He showed you a star shaped rock he found, twisting it between his fingers then pocketed it, "For Ellie," he said.

Your felt something pull at your heart. The light of the greenhouse falling gently on his face, you wondered why you were ever scared of him in the first place. You worked alongside him quietly, your thoughts still on him. Back in Boston, you did what you had to do survive and so did he. 

"You know..." You began.

He looked up from his work.

"My offer for drink is still up, after we're done here of course."

He scoffed, shaking his head but he said, "alright." 

You smiled wide again. Before you could help yourself, you stretched out your ungloved hand. A gesture, you thought, for a new beginning.

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

a/n- I'll end it next update, thank you for reading ♥

[reminaofthedust]

We meet again. (p2)

Joel Miller x Reader

Rating: sfw

word count: 2.5k+

Summary: You meet Joel for the first time in Boston under unfortunate circumstances. And then you meet him again 6 years later in the last place you wanted him to be.

You attempt at holding out an olive branch.

pt 1 / pt 2 / pt3

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

He saw you at the chicken farm, running after chickens.

He saw you again at the gardens, running in and out of the greenhouse. What Tommy said was mostly true; you worked hard here. 

"Two of them, from the qz up north." He had said. "My friend up there knows them, sent them here with the stuff we needed at that time, decided they wanted to stay back."

He knew that was not true because you were never in the QZ up north. You were from Boston the last time he saw you.

He waited for the right time to confront you—no, talk to you. It was after all none of his business what you did to get here. How did you even find out about this place? It was a mystery to him.

He waited outside the stable one day; you were tending to the horses. Seeing you were alone, he thought it was the right moment.

When he entered the stable, as soon as you two locked eyes, he felt as though yours were about to pop out. He stilled, unsure if he made the right decision. You too were still, but your body language was not of surprise but of something more familiar. Something he was used to back in Boston. Fear.

He heard you mutter something to yourself before you fixed your expression into a neutrality he wasn't sure he was a fan of. 

"Joel," you began, scrubbing off your dirty gloves. "What umm- what are you doing here?"

"need to talk." 

He felt you take a sharp inhale, still you nodded. Eyes scanning around, you motioned to the area where the hay was stacked.

He put his hands on his hips, then crossed across his chest, unsure himself now where to put them. "You need to tell me what you and that boy are doing here." 

He saw a flicker of emotion in your neutral expression. 

"Respectfully, Joel, it's none of your business." You said it in a hurry, as if the bravado will fade the slower your words spilled out. "I could ask you the same thing."

He frowned, and it answered your question.

"You lied to him. My brother. So that makes it my business." He knew he was pushing you into a corner; what he felt he might gain out of it he didn't know. But he didn't like the idea of you causing his brother any harm. He didn't think you were capable of it. But you had made it here all the way from Boston even though you didn't have the experience with the outside world as he did. Someone like that, someone hungry for a better life, was certainly capable of doing anything to keep it that way, and he didn't want to take any chances.

You fidgeted around as his stern gaze refused to leave you. You had talked to Sam the morning he arrived.

"What should we do?" you said after telling him everything.

He sighed, petting the horse as the two of you stood alone in the stable. "Maybe we should tell him."

"Are you crazy?! They will kick us out." You said, a little too loud. He quickly scanned the area to ensure no one heard you. 

"Can you lower your voice? geez..." He rubbed his neck frustrated. "It's better than lying straight up; he'll know soon enough."

"I don't want to leave Jackson." You muttered softly. But you also realised this was the only way—to come clean.

So now you looked up at the man before you with determination. "yes. It's true, we came to Jackson under false pretenses." He looked at you expecting you to continue, and you did. "Me and Sam, we left Boston 3 years ago, took a year to get here."

You narrated the small part of your life to him—how you two stumbled blindly out in the new world, death always at your door. 

Eventually you met the travellers from up north along the way. 

You stopped, hesitant at this part now.

He tilted his head, waiting for you to continue, but then he stilled too. 

"Did you kill 'em?" 

"No!" You said it hurriedly. "No, we..." You looked away ashamed; you felt his scrutinizing gaze on you. "FEDRA took them away." 

"Why'd they leave you?"

You didn't say anything; instead, you stared at his shoes. It gave you deja vu of the rainy day in Boston 6 years ago.

"You ratted 'em out?" he said, his voice carrying a hint of amusement.

You squeezed your eyes shut and shook your head before looking up to meet his again. "It was their patrol truck that saw the four of us. We were interrogated separately, but the guy who was in charge of me was a junkie I knew from his run-ins in Boston. I told him I had the thing that he wanted with me, out there in the place the four of us camped. He jumped at the offer. Made an excuse to the other one, said he was taking me out back to... I begged him to let the others out, he refused. But he let Sam go, he knew he too had a stash somewhere, but he kept the other two as hostages if we dared to trick him."

You didn't need to explain further; Joel understood that the two of you ran.

"Did you kill him?" he asked suddenly, cutting you off. You blinked a few times, you thought he meant the hostages and you frowned but then it clicked what he actually meant,

"The guard?" he nodded. Your frown left your face as you answered. "Yes." You didn't regret killing him, but the thought that what must have happened afterwards to the other two kept you up at night. It was the thing which ate at you from the inside, preventing you from enjoying anything for too long. Strangely, confessing to Joel here in the cold stable made you feel lighter. You waited for his reaction, his verdict that determined the fate of you and your friend. 

He scanned your face for signs of deception. "Alright. I believe you."

"Will you tell this to Tommy?"

He pretended to think about it but he had long before made up his mind, "No." he said and you couldn't help let go the breathe you held.

You licked your dry lips, hands swinging beside you with a nervous twitch. "thank you." That's all you managed to say. 

He didn't say anything but turned around and left you alone with your thoughts.

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

You rarely saw Joel out and about again; on the contrary, Ellie, his daughter? you didn't know for sure, seemed to be around you quite often, asking you questions about the way of the farms, cultivation rituals, and things of such nature. You were more than happy to indulge her. You told her about seasons and cropping patterns, animal behaviors, and she in turn told you about her life in Boston; some names were familiar to you, but you tried not to let it show. 

She talked about Joel affectionately and their arduous journey here. She swore a lot, although it did catch you by surprise at first. Now it felt seamless, like how most of the things felt in Jackson.

"He can be an asshole sure," she said one day as the two of you were weeding the fields. "He means well. He's just old and grumpy." You laughed, also thinking of Maria, who still wasn't really fond of him.

You thought about him as you two proceeded to remove the weeds. You were grateful to Joel for keeping true to his words. You should try to be more nice to him instead of running away the little you saw of him like you always did. Next time, you thought, next time I see him, I'll say hi.

After all you two were not strangers.

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

It was Saturday again, and you saw the man at one of the tables of Tipsy Bison. You worked the bar, but handing it over to Maria's care, you rushed to his table.

He sat there alone, nursing his drink. 

You put on your best friendly smile, "Hey Joel," he looked up slowly, realising it was you; his eyes widened for a moment, surprised by your cheeriness. "Anything I can get you?" you asked. He gruffed a low "no." and turned again to his drink, back to himself. 

You pushed on, determined to set a friendly foot forward. "There's more drinks if you like; last year's grape wine that we-"

"I said no," he said roughly now without looking up. You were thankful because if he did he would have seen you jump back a little, your face twisted in fright. You hurried your way back to the bar. It wasn't that you weren't used to rude customers, but Joel scared you. You noted that you shouldn't take his kidness for an offer at knowing him better. Still you thought it would be good to maintain a friendly distance.

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

The next time you decided to walk on the borders of your 'friendly distance' was when you were allowed to take home some leftover food from the bar. You warmed them up in your house and walked across to the one at the back where Ellie and Joel lived. You figured if not Joel, Ellie would like what you had with you. 

You knocked softly; you knew they were home. You hoped that Ellie would open the door

Unfortunately for you, a tall broad figure stood in front of you, the door opened to the limits of his body. "What are you doing here?" He looked annoyed; his frown deepened when he saw what you were holding. "The hell is this?"

You tried not to let your tremors show, so you shoved the container at him, "Last night's meat rolls."

He looked down at the box you were holding out, "I don't want it."

"Then it's for Ellie." You cursed yourself for the word you used, then it's for Ellie, like Ellie was the second choice. He raised his eyebrows but took the container all the same. You turned to walk back home, but he stopped you by calling your name. 

You froze, turning slowly. Hearing your name out of his mouth was so strange, so alien, you felt as though you had hallucinated it. But he was talking to you.

"Ya don't need to do this." He said seriously, "Didn't tell Tommy cause I know you're telling the truth, not out of kindness of my heart. Think y'should leave me alone now." 

Your face fell despite your attempt at concealing it. He caught it but slammed the door shut anyways. You stood at the door for a moment before slowly turning your back and this time seriously went back home.

-

Joel watched your figure leave, you walked slowly, your shoulders bent down, none of the vigor you usually displayed when you did your work around the town. He felt bad now. He had noticed you trying to be friendly to him, talk to him when you saw him sitting by alone, wave at him good morning or good night when he passed by the gardens  or the poultry. He felt what he did although rude, but necessary to make you see he wasn't the guy you thought he was. He was baffled when you even attempted to be kind to him. I mean, out of everyone in Jackson, you knew who he was. You really knew who he was. He shook his head, heading to the kitchen to keep the food you gave him on the counter. Ellie was still asleep, proably snuck out at night by the looks of it. Atleast here it was safe enough that he didn't worry so much about that. But he will have a talk with her, he thought.

He sat down at the table and stared at the ceramic container in front of him. He could've been a little kinder with his words. He knew he terrified you, and it was within reasons. He didn't help the case either. He took out the contents of the box in a bowl and washed it, making a mental note to return it to you. 

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Later that evening, he decided to drop by the bar. Out of many other comforts Jackson offered, the bar was his favorite. He realised that it was thursday, and not tuesday or saturday so you won't be there. He frowned at this. A habit he was learning slowly, recognizing your work pattern. But he couldn't help it, you worked everywhere and if he were to avoid you, it was good that he knew your routine by heart. This conclusion comforted him. 

Thursday, greenhouse. He knew that, still, he put his head down and took the road to the bar via the gardens. And just as he predicted you walked out of the the plastic house with buckets of... manure, by the smell of it. When you saw him you opened your mouth to say something but stopped, and went back inside the house. 

He tried to justify the pang of disappointment he felt. He was feeling bad. yes, that was it, for being rude to you earlier. Obviously he didn't want any animosity with you, just... distance. He said to himself and satisfied, walked on to the tipsy bison.

-

"What are you doing?" Sam said, in the middle of his digging looking up at you back inside.

You stood there, bucket of manure in each hand, staring at your friend. 

Sam chided, "Don't tell me you backtracked because you saw Joel." 

You nodded slowly. 

"You can't do this forever you know. I mean, what's so different. Wasn't like we were best friends before." Joel clearly didn't bother Sam like he did you, atleast in your thoughts. He stood up and took a peek behind you, "He's gone, and you should also get back to work." He pushed you outside. You scolded him for soiling your top and he just laughed. "I'll get you a new one when you grow a pair."

"Shut up." you grumbled and set to work on the fields. As you begin your long evening of fertilizing the fields, your thoughts still lingered on Joel. Will it be like this forever with you two. Sam didn't seem to care about him so it was only the matter of you and the older Miller. You hoped it didn't. You liked this town, you wanted to be yourself here, think about things you couldn't afford to before, like making friends, thinking about pigs and chicken and cows. Having Joel here was like a dark spot in your new life. A corner of your old life seeping through there. Joel was right, you thought, it was better if you never made any other contact with each other furthur. 

But a part of you. A part that was always fascinated with him. Fascinated with the big scary guy everyone talked about back in QZ, the stanger from whom your friends procured for your mother painkillers on the last moments of her life. That part of you wanted to know him better. But you were scared of annoying him furthur.

Sam was right, you needed to grow a pair.

[reminaofthedust]

We meet again. (p1)

Joel miller x reader

Rating: sfw

word count: 1.8k

Summary: You meet Joel for the first time in Boston under unfortunate circumstances. And then you meet him again 6 years later in the last place you wanted him to be.

pt 1 / pt 2 / pt 3

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

Out of all the people in this bizzare world, Joel Miller was the last person you thought you'd see again.

You wiped and rewiped the glasses in a near-empty Tipsy Bison; they didn't need cleaning in the first place, but you had to see it to believe it. 

Sitting on a table across with Tommy, a little girl by his side—

Joel Miller.

In flesh and blood once again.

Last time you saw him, the only time you saw him was back in the QZ. That seemed like lifetimes ago.

You had moved to Jackson 2 years ago. Moved... well, not really the word you should use in your case, but that's how you preferred to begin your story.

You had heard of Joel Miller back in Boston. He and his partner Tess ran most of the illegal business in that zone. You had heard of him because you were familiar with the people he dealt with, people who had excess to things most people in the qz didn't. There you had decided you needed to find a way out of boston. To a place you had only heard being talked in vague terms. A place too good to be true The place you now know as Jackson.

The only encounter you had with Joel was when he caught you and your friend Samuel trying to escape. Grabbed you two by the collars and dragged you back; apparently the day of your jailbreak coincided with one of his shipment days. He didn't want any complications, so with a threat of violence, he sent the two of you your way. Apparently he was in his better moods; as your friend said, he was not shy of getting his hands bloody to get what he wanted and thankfully you two had came out of that encounter unscathed. Although that incident did set you back 5 years to get enough resources to attempt your escape again. With only a few things to your name and a pocket full of naive hope young people often possess, you and your friend Samuel set off to find El Dorado. and you struck gold.

Anyways, you made a third round of drying off all the mugs as you tried to listen in. You chided yourself for being snoopy but somepart of you had to know what he was doing here. You didn't get much, all of them leaning in the table made it hard to even read their lips. But you tried anyways. Joel's back to you, you scanned Tommy's face to gauge his reaction, the movement of his lips. 

As though suddenly aware that he was being watched, Tommy looked up from his brother and you two locked eyes. With a smile he called out your name, he was familiar with you, as most of the townsfolk were. You worked at the bar, you worked at the stable, anything to make yourself useful. So people knew you. 

You returned the smile and set to grab them coffee as he requested from the table. As you approached the table, you suddenly felt nervous. Setting the coffee down you turned to get back to your station but Tommy stopped you. 

"My brother Joel."

You felt four pair of eyes on you. 

"And this is Ellie."

You set your eyes on the girl, suddenly scared to meet the other one's. Because as soon as you did—you were 19 again, running away in the rain, a large hand on your back, a towering man before you with his jeans tucked in his rainboots—you stared at them the whole time he barked, threatening to hand you two over to FEDRA. 

You felt as though even now, if you looked at him in the eye, he would yell at you and send you back to Boston. It was silly.

Your nervousness must have translated on your face as Tommy began to speak in a reassuring tone, "They are good people." Joel scoffed at that, setting his eyes back on Tommy. You let go of your breath. Unconciously, you wiped the sweat off your forehead and tried to pass it off as heat that was bothering you. With a smile, you welcomed the two of them to Jackson.

"I work here Tuesdays and Fridays." You addressed mainly the girl named Ellie. "Come by; I usually have fresh seasonal extras left at the end of my shift."

Ellie instantly warmed up to that, "Cool." She turned to Joel like one would to her father, asking for permission. He gave an exasperated sigh and looked up at you. You froze, it felt as though your offer had caused him great discomfort and was now accusing you with his eyes. But he just shrugged after a moment and said, "Sure." The back of your ears started to itch again, as it often did when you were in an uncomfortable situation. You made a motion to get back to your work, and Tommy nodded.

As you went back to your work, you heard Tommy and Ellie discuss the mechanics of seasonal juicemaking, but the feeling of a set of eyes on you never left.

-

That evening you met Ellie again through Maria and learned quickly that the older women didn't quite like the man who accompanied the child. You didn't pry, nor did you say anything about having known Joel. You were already pretty terrified of him; even back in Boston before he caught you and Samuel, he had a real bad reputation, and you didn't think it would calm Maria down at all.

You gave Ellie freshly made orange juice and gauged her reaction as she drank quickly with both her hands on the glass, as if someone would steal it. Almost exactly how you also had reacted when you first took a sip. It endeared her to you.

"So?" you grinned.

"Pretty fucking fantastic!" she smiled, although her swearing did catch you off guard.

Maria looked over your shoulder. "Here they are..." she sighed. "You know what, I think I'll stay here with Ellie, help her with the way around here, you tend to the bar and the new arrival." she said the last two words with annoyance. You guessed who she was talking about.

The Miller brothers had a lot to catch up on, apparently. After the 4th round, even the older brother began to contribute to the conversation. You silently refilled their drinks, eyes scanning Joel whenever you could afford a glimpse. Which you didn't much, out of fear. childish fear, you scolded yourself. You are a grown woman acting this way, you're not that kid anymore. You repeated it whenever you felt Joel's gaze land on you, which happened more frequently now under the influence of alcohol. 

It felt strange. You were someone who liked to categorize things neatly, even in your head. Your life in the Boston QZ and life here in Jackson were two completely different phases, one you didn't like to mix up. Matter of fact, you hadn't thought about Boston at all since arriving here. It was as though for the first time you felt the borders of your neatly shelved life blur. You didn't like the feeling. You didn't want anyone to know of your life before.

You were so much in your head that you didn't even realize that the conversation had suddenly shifted to you. Your head jerked up as you heard your name—"...and with her friend Sam... two years ago... from, well, I think from the qz up north... hard worker, both of 'em." 

You pretended to be busy again when you realised Joel's eyes were on you as Tommy talked about you and Samuel, and gradually shifted to other close people in Jackson. Still his gaze persisted and you felt that familiar itch in the back of your ear.

Soon the bar emptied out. Maria did not return to the bar instead went to the kitchen via the backdoors. Your eyes scanned the room for Ellie. Gone, you noted. 

The two men finally made the move to settle in for the night, you felt your chest lighten insantly as they both made their way to the door, not before Tommy giving you a polite nod goodnight. Joel however moved straight ahead to the door much to your relief. 

Before closing up you went back to check in on Maria. She was untying her apron when she noticed your presence "I'll close up don't worry. Sorry for giving you the heavier work today. I still don't know how to feel about that guy." You nodded understandingly but still offered to close up with her and walk back home together. She protested but soon gave up when she realised you wouldn't budge. 

You returned to the bar to grab your stuff but as soon as your eyes lifted off the floor you gasped— "GOD-" you clutched your heart, now beating like a drum at the sight of the man standing across the counter. Your reaction was mainly of being caught off guard but upon registering who the man was it did not help your case and you hoped it did not show on your face.

If Joel took offense at your reaction he didn't show it. Instead he grabbed the jacket on the barstool he sat on earlier with his brother. "Forgot it." He said before turning to the door.

You blinked a few times, unsure if you should move now. 

He stopped mid-track. He shook his head before he turned around again, as though the action disappointed him greatly. He marched back to the counter and looked at you straight in the eye. You felt like a deer in the headlights, unable to look away. 

"I know you," he said, low. Like a secret shared between the two of you. 

Your jaw tightened as you gulped, mouth suddenly dry. 

"'least, I think I do." He said now, looking away, as if ashamed of the surety he claimed earlier.

It didn't take him too long to connect the dots. He was old, but he was not stupid. 

"Boston." That's all he said, and you felt the ground shake beneath you. You managed a nod; no point hiding it now.

His frown deepened as he looked you up and down. Your hands grabbed the edges of your shirt, twisting it nervously as you saw him, actually saw him. 

Joel Miller. Oh how scared you were of his name. How scared everyone was of him. You wished samuel was here to share your fears with, but he was out on daylong patrol.

"You told Tommy you're from up north." He recalled his brother's words.

"Yes, me and sam—"

"So you lied." He cut you off, and you felt your heart rate spike.

"I didn't- we were vague yes but—" you tried to defend yourself despite every part of your brain telling you to shut the fuck up. The backdoor behind you slammed open as Maria came into view.

"What's going on?" She asked, looking back and forth between you and Joel.

"Forgot my jacket." Joel grumbled, suddenly remembering what he was here for in the first place. Giving you a quick glance, he turned back and went out into the night.

Maria shook her head as his figure disappeared. "He bothers you, you come straight to me."

 You wished for morning to come. You had to see Sam now.